My story
Saw WS this morning. He was supposed to be here at 9, arrived 9.30. He stayed until 10.45, hung out with the kids a little, read DD a story, then said 'oh, so busy at work, gotta go.'
I called his work at 1 to ask him a question re. the separation agreement. Not there, called @ 2.30, not there- supposed to be in at 3. Call at 3.10- was in and left, will be back at 4. How can he do this to his kids? I suggested he take them to the park and then to lunch, with or without me, and he said, 'no, too busy, they're happy here.'
He was supposed to come by yesterday to take them to the park, but didn't show up, so after 1/2 an hour, I called his friend who I thought could reach him and left a message. We went to the park without him. He called an hour and a half after he was supposed to pick up the kids, and said he'd overslept, and should he come now? I said no, just see them tomorrow (they were done at the park by then)
How can he choose her over them? Me, I understand (somewhat), but to not want to see his own kids, it's so sad, and so hard on them. He says that the affair is 'not a long term thing', but he's obviously still seeing her. It's all I can do to stop myself from trying to find out who she is (I know nothing), but I know that's not a good idea.
I'm supposed to be getting the separation agreement arranged this week, and I'm planning to ask for visitation at my discretion. I (per Pep) will be plan B-ing him after he signs. I just don't know if it's worth it. He just seems to have made up his mind that there's nothing to work on, and he just doesn't want anything to do with any of us. He has said that he would give up primary custody to me, but I'm struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel...
Also, is there any point in asking him to tell me his side of the 'story'? I am just having such a hard time figuring out what he's been thinking and feeling all these years. I want to start to heal, to work on myself, but I just don't really know how. I just wish that he could have told me what was so wrong. I am reading 'Women Who Love Too Much', which could have been written *about* me, so I know that side of things. We were happy, it can't have all been a lie. Is it all just WS babble? Or him just finally coming clean after years of unhappiness?
Any success stories for me with someone this 'far gone'?

Thanks again for listening.

B3D

Also, someone please tell me something to say to him re. not spending time with the kids that isn't a LB and/or doesn't sound desperate and needy. It just makes me sick to think of him with her, spending *our* money while his kids miss him so much. Ugh.

B3D,

Sorry you are here. I know what you are going through. There is a thread on this site that talks about surviving an affair. I really recommend that you read it. It talks about the mindset of a WS, and gives good insight.

How long has the affair been going on? Have you followed any of the steps to expose it? You need to find out who she is so that you can do everything that you can to bring this thing out of fantasy and into reality.

The fact of the matter is that your WH is not who you married. He is driven by an extremely selfish need right now. Many of the statements that he has made were also made by my WW. Do you really believe that he plans to jump from one meaningless relationship to another? It is motivated by his feelings of lust and infatuation. Also, most WS's try to return to the BS because they realize what they gave up, and they need the confirmation of love.

You can't go down without a fight. You obviously still love him, and want what is best for your children. The choice to fight for your marriage is a very tough one. The path is very difficult, and you will be on an emotional roller coaster. Focus on yourself and your children. I am at the point of getting back into life. This is difficult, but ultimately will make you a better person.

Don't worry about getting his side of the story. You won't get the truth. He will try to rationalize and make it all your fault to try to justify his actions. Accept responsibility for your role in this situation (no more than that though), but you did not make him do what he has done. Fact of the matter is that this is not about you. He did not tell you that he was feeling this way (neither did my WW), but you can't change that.

Take advantage of this site and the knowledgeable people who will give you good advice (not necessarily me). Read the thread about surviving an affair. It should give you some good insights. You won't be sorry that you did.

Thanks bgtg1,
The affair began about a month ago. We moved here 8 weeks ago, to a great new city, a new job for him. He met her at a bar, and he says he just wants to be alone. Some kind of alone...he says it's not serious, and this is just what he needs right now. He said that he is tired of living in the past because of the mistakes he's made, and he wants a clean slate. He says he's just selfish, and I agree. Why couldn't he have done this the right way and freed me to live my life before he hurt us like this?
I have no way of finding out who she is, short of following him home from work (late) and seeing her, but that still doesn't tell me *who* she is. Any other ideas? No cell phone records, no email records. He changed his hotmail password, so I can't access that either.
I have exposed to his parents, my parents, and several of his co-workers (who are covering for him, so it is of no use) I'm sure his boss knows, because he is currently living in company housing. H emay have just told him that we're separating. I guess he's made me out to be a nutcase to the people he works with, because (before this happened), I would call him at work several (3-4) times a day.
I do need to do what's best for me and the kids. I do still love him, though I'm not sure why- perhaps for the glimpses of the man he 'could be'? The irony of this is, we're going to spend next weekend at his parents house, his brother is getting married. He just plan b'd ME. He said we shouldn't talk for a couple of days, and then we could talk about everything next weekend. He asked me when I wanted him to call me, and I said that it was up to him (trying not to be controlling). I said call me when you feel like talking to me- could be never...
He also told me that he doesn't love me, that he has no desire to 'fix' what went wrong. I asked him how he would explain the situation to someone else, and he said that it began around 4 years ago- he began a new job, started partying with people at work, and essentially began a separate life. He says at that time, he just started to see 'what was out there', not sexually, but I guess he saw 'other people having fun', and thought that he couldn't have that with me. We moved in 2003, I was pregnant, and I thought it was a new beginning, but it didn't take long for it all to spiral downhill. He had a ONS 3 months after our daughter was born, and another affair last year in April. Now, DD2(3?), and he's the one to walk away. I know I have been controlling, I just wanted to hang on to what we had. He was, I thought, struggling with alcoholism, and I hoped he'd get the help he needed. I thought that I was being there for him when things were rough, but I guess he felt differently. I have some work to do. Plan B here I come...

I am so sorry you are struggling.

Can you not figure out his password by using the lost password clue and figuring out the right answer?

Are you sure it is not a workplace affair? If it is then you should expose to his bosses. If not, you might still expose to them since he lives in company housing. Maybe you could ask if they knew that by allowing him to lkive in company housing, they were enabling him to have an affair and in doing so were contributing to the demise of a family.

Is he still drinking or is he in recovery for that?

Thanks moveforward. I need to take some advice from your name!

I don't know the answer. I guess I could ask his brother/mom, but it would seem like a pretty strange question (first car). I know it's not a workplace thing. At least I think I do...he says it isn't, and I can't think of anyone it could be.
I guess I'm afraid that his boss already knows and doesn't care. He's in his late 30's and single. He's kinda 'one of the boys', rather than a superior. I will consider it. Don't know if I'd rather have him there, or the alternative- with her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> Should I go higher up the chain to the General Manager?
He's still drinking, though much less than in past weeks. I'm sure he's trying to prove to everyone that he's not an alcoholic, but that I am so awful I drove him to drink. He says he's happy. Good for him.

Hi b3d,

Sorry you find yourself here hon.

What will help us support you better would be to add your stats to your signature tag line.

Info like:

[color:"blue"]BS 35 (me)
WS 40
Married 16 yrs, Together 19
2 kids, D4 S8
D-day 06-01-06 (PA/EA)
Workplace Affair, started 05/06
OW 24 single (D2)
Exposure 07-25-06[/color]

Thanks Resilient,
Doing it now.

B3D

Go into a search engine on the internet and download a keylogger. You can find them for free. I was able to download "Elite Keylogger". Unfortunately it didn't help me because it was just after D-Day and she stopped using the home computer. The free trial is good for 6 or 7 days. It is totally invisible, and is password protected, so you can set it up and he'll never know it. It will tell you what his keystrokes are so you can get his password. Then you can go in and read his messages. It will take screen shots as well. This should give you someplace to start.

Sorry about the 3 D-days. I have mixed feelings about what you should do. I struggle with believing that he will change given such a destructive pattern of behavior. I'm new to this though, so count on the experts on that one.

Hope this helps.

bgtg1,
I'm in the same boat. He has moved out (9-11). I can't use a keylogger b/c even when he's here to see the kids he wouldn't use the computer.
I'm beginning to have mixed feelings too. I guess I'll plan B, see what happens, and hopefully at the end of it I'll have my two beautiful kids and be living somewhere far away from him and his stupid *****

Thanks for your support.

bump