I decided to start a new thread because I'm sick of reading my story. As my title says, I'm not feeling any better. What has it been? Almost 2 months since Dday #2?

After Dday #1 I felt motivated to Plan A, and Toolman seemed interested in it as well.

This time, I just can't bring myself to plan A anything.

I go to the grocery store, and think of cool things to cook, but decide against it. Toolman does not deserve homecooked meals. I buy canned and frozen food.

I walk on the beach, and see all the happy loving couples and it makes me want to gag. I'm never going to be happy again. Unless I'm raped, it's unlikely I'll ever get laid again. Seeing happy couples holding hands and kissing makes me cringe in pain.

I look at my children, and want them to be happy. As they giggle and laugh, oblivious to the horrible situation their mother endures, I hope neither of them has to deal with the crushing pain of being betrayed not once, but twice.

When my phone rings, I don't answer. I don't want to explain to my friends and family why I haven't divorced toolman. It's easier to isolate myself and not return calls. I try to change the subject when my parents ask me about the situation. I can hear the disappointment in their voices.

As time passes, and toolman does ~~nice~~ things, it only hurts me more. I just keep thinking, why did you have to cheat on me AGAIN? Why be nice now? It's too late.

Just got the marriage builder's statement in the mail...almost $800 in the past month or so. Add to that the other IC bills of about the same amount. Where does it get me? I wish we could just have that money back and use it for attorney retainers.

Fact is, divorce is going to be agonizing for the kids. Since toolman is making it seem like he is working on the M, I'm going to be the bad guy. So I continue to sit and do nothing.

I wrote my own obituary last week, hoping it would give me some perspective. Instead, it just makes the whole thing seem more pathetic.

There is no joy, no happiness, no excitement, no lust, no desire, no motivation in my life. Nothing I do makes me feel any better. I'm just an empty shell, existing for the sake of my children.

I'm so trapped, and I don't know what to do, so I bury my head in the sand, and live an empty existence.

Sorry this is so pathetic. Feel free to ignore. I just needed to vent.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Wow, stonecold. I feel your pain. I am in a similar situation (aren't we all), but I guess what I'm saying is that I'm at the same stage in the journey. (DDay #2)
I wish I had the words to make you feel better. It sounds to me like you might be depressed- have you thought about AD's? Writing your obituary sounds like a pretty tough thing to put yourself through.
My parents are also supportive, though obviously in favor of me leaving him in the dust. I just wish it were that easy- I think I'd leave tomorrow. I just don't know if I can handle the pain of waiting for him to one day realize what a mistake he has made, and/or him deciding that he does want to be a part of his kids' lives (he says he doesn't right now, he'll 'let us go'), and keep me trapped here forever.
Hang in there, and I'm sure someone much wiser will post and give you a path to follow.
Be strong, I'll be thinking of you.

B3D

So, does Steve Harley think it's right for you to be in this situation indefinitely? Are you supposed to suck it up, so that TM can do whatever he wants? I guess I don't understand.

I'm really against divorce for the most part, but there are times when it's necessary. If you could have hope of some semblance of recovery -- meaing that TM would be able to fulfill your needs -- meaning affection, admiration and SF -- then it would be different. The way he's treated you since you had his babies is pretty telling.

You deserve to eat decent meals. Your kids deserve to eat decent meals. You deserve to be treated with love and care. Can TM ever do that? Divorce is hard for kids, but having a mother so depressed is terrible too and having parents who can't show an example of a loving relationship sets children up for dysfunctional relationships when they grow up.

What's TM doing for for you, to make up for the crap of the last several years (pre A too), to show you any reason you should give him a chance? What's Harley's plan for TM? What's the plan for your M?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry that you feel trapped. You need some outside perspective. From what we've seen of TM on this forum, he's such a manipulator and he makes you second guess yourself. Is he back home again? Is there anyway that you can separate for a while, so that you can have some time on your own to heal a bit and get your bearings?

I've thought a little more about your situation. And you know, if you were my family member or my friend, I'd be so upset that you are trying to do this alone without support. I'd want to help. It wouldn't matter whether I agreed with what you were doing, I'd just want to be part of your life and support system.

You need your family and friends right now. You don't need to be isolated. And I'm willing to bet, that they really want to be with you. If they knew how you're suffering and how you're shutting them out, they'd probably be really upset. Please let them help and be a comfort to you. You can't keep going like this. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. Have some fun, let people be in your life. Don't let TM take everything away from you. It's ok to be sad, but you can't let this destroy you.

You don't have to make any major decisions right now. You can always change course later. Just try to get yourself to a point where you can have some joy in life again. To do that, you're going to have to open yourself to your friends and family. If they try to advise you or they don't like what you're doing, tell them that you're not ready to talk about it and you'll let them know when you are. But, please let them know how depressed you are and how much you need them. Don't let TM's games with the bipolar nonsense cost you your support system. Who wouldn't be depressed dealing his infidelity and his games? No rational person is going to buy his nonsense. Do what you have to do to document that you are a stable person and a good mother. But, no one is going to think you're unstable because you're down when you've lived in such a horrible situation. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong.

Your emotional well being is going to have to take precedence right now. Make sure that you let your family and friends help.

Please take care of yourself. You deserve to have a happy life, but if you can't force yourself to get some support for yourself, you have to do it for your kids. They need their mother and you've got to get some help.

Post deleted by Detached_Care

Hi StoneCold-
I went back and read your old threads, including the one from last year when your husband was posting too.

I see how much pain you're in. You've been talking about divorce for almost a year, but you haven't gone through with it.

Your husband appears to be doing the right things: ending the affair, attending marriage counseling, telling you he wants to save the marriage.

Maybe he's changing, and you're scared to believe it? You've been in conflict for so long that you've forgotten how to reconnect?

I'm reading between the lines here, but I think you still love him. And I think he still loves you. You both love your children. Is there any way you can consider reconciling with him?

SC,

Please go visit your doctor ASAP! Need to get you thinking with a clear mind and calm heart.

Hugz,
L.