I continue to struggle with my marriage falling apart. One of the huge issues for me is something my ex husband just flatly denies. After he insisted we split our finances into separate checkbooks, after I gave up on myself and filed for divorce, I had to review his credit card statement. He had spent an inordinate amount of time and money with a single female friend from work who had started working out with him and his friend at the gym about 4 yrs before we split up. He gave her flowers when she had final cancer treatments (nearly $300), he helped her buy a ring for her daughter's birthday ($300) which she paid back about $200 and he forgave her the rest of her debt, he paid for her 2 teenage daughters to go horseback riding (another few hundredd dollars) all of these gifts given and I did not have a clue. I only knew he wasn't coming home at night. Well he claims that he only began seriously dating her the month our divorce became official. However, as soon as he moved out family and friends were quick to tell me she was socializing quite constantly with him. He did say he discussed our marital concerns with her. He was quite impressed as she was so sick from cervical cancer that she took the time to listen to his problems. Listening is surely the thing that attracted him most to her at a time when I had become unwilling and unable to listen. He also purchased a heart shaped diamond necklace on his statement for $1000 that he and his sister testified was a gift to her for her 49th birthday. I have yet to see her wear such a luxurious gift, and I still can't seem to trust that it wasn't given to this woman in his life. I don't want to discount his giving nature. He is generally a very giving person. But these gifts seemed quite inappropriate for him to give and for this co-worker/friend from the gym to accept. So, please tell me how would you feel? Aside from being upset because he began a serious relationship, even as he says it, immediately following our divorce without even appearing to grieve over losing me. I just feel so betrayed and I really don't know how to express it. Obviously she was so sick they didn't have sex, but when should we consider a relationship is too intimate? Perhaps Dr. Harley can help us with this one. I do understand my love busters that led him to his actions of independence, I just want to know if I am crazy for feeling betrayed and feeling like she is and was the "Other Woman"...

In a nutshell, there are different types of affairs - physical, emotional (usually precedes a physical affair), social, etc. In all likelihood your H was having an emotional affair with her. Sometimes they don't even realize it for what it is. Here at MB we call this "the fog". And obviously his co-worker, going through cancer, had a lot of emotional needs herself that needed to be filled. Quite often, both people in the affair relationship have unfulfilled needs....and that's how it escalates.

Your feeling of betrayal is understandable. How long have you been divorced from him?

You're not crazy. I'm sorry you had to find out like that.

No, you aren't crazy. If your husband spent time with this woman and used your family's money to buy her gifts and help her children without your knowledge, then he was definitely hiding a relationship that wasn't appropriate...even in his own mind. If it was innocent, then he had nothing to hide and should have discussed these things with you. My operational definition of an affair -- or at least the slippery slope towards one -- is when the married partner is doing things with another person on the sly.

Mrs. W8ing

So, what is your opinion of his friend? I don't know her but I feel as though she knew she was building a long term and romantic relationship with him. Why else would she borrow such huge sums of money and accept such extravagant gifts? There are men that I work with who are kind and generous and attractive. But personally I would have drawn the line had I been in her shoes. In fact since she knew he was having serious marital problems that line would have been crystal clear. I would have encouraged him to talk things over with his wife and not me. I am too independent to rely on others to borrow money. That is what banks and credit cards are for. I'm just very different perhaps. I try not to judge, but I feel myself judging her. Maybe I am too harsh with her? If I were seriously ill and had a gift to leave for my teenage children I would write them each a poem or a story about their lives, who they are, and how they brighten the world. But, I have not been seriously ill, so perhaps I am wrong and she was doing what she felt best. I just can't seem to resolve it all in my mind.

My Dear,

At the very least, your husband is invovled in a emotional affair (which is an affair!!). There is no doubt at all.

As for her being a "friend". Well, compare her to his other friends, your friends or your mutual friends. Does the friendship feel the same? I didn't think so.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

This is tough stuff you are going through. Most of us here have been through it. Will he go to counseling with you????

You are divorced and you need to move on. He was in the fog and yes he did deceitful things during your marriage. I too was the betrayed. My exH lied about so many things...just the thought of it seems impossible. But they do this, when they are in their deep fog. They spend money...cause it feels good to spend money on someone that listens and cares about them. You too, do the same. We all do. We want to care for those we love intimately...and they do not love you intimitaley anymore. He has found someone else.

This hurts deeply...and I can see by your writing you are distraut. This is though stuff...as far as counseling with him...I really don't see the point. You are divorced. You need to work on yourself and I do think that you need counsleing yourself.

Prayers and Blessings.

It was infidelity, most likely emotional infidelity, but still infidelity.

Your situation has several parts that are eerily like mine was....

My ex had a female coworker friend that he too worked out with. She too went through an emotional trauma just prior to their meeting - her brother died in a car accident. This was the excuse for why she deserved so much of his time on several occasions. She allowed him to do unusual favours for her while we were still married, like helping her buy a new cell phone, and choosing winter tires for her car. In hindsight, she clearly was meeting his needs for admiration and appreciation. For months, I was becoming more and more upset with how close their friendship was. I made the mistake of forming a retalliatory closeness with one of his friends. Then, we separated. The week after we separated, he moved in with her. He and she insist to this day that they were just friends until months after we separated. My gut tells me otherwise.

He even claimed that they were still just friends while he and I were separated. He continued seeing me off and on for nearly 2 years of separation, claiming he wasn't sure what he wanted. About 1.5 years into it, I figured out that he had been seeing both of us for most of that time. I got tired of being one of two women in his life, and filed for divorce.

I also found out later that he and she had been seen in public at a conference holding hands and cuddling in public BEFORE we separated.

Incidentally, they got married last weekend. So, just friends? Hardly. Their marriage reinforces even more that I think they were having an affair, emotional or otherwise during our marriage. He just pushed me into a corner where I believed that my actions caused the marriage to fall apart, so he could be rid of me and be with her.

I, like you, have trouble understanding how she was ever comfortable being so emotionally intimate with a married man, before we separated. I still have trouble with the fact that she thought it was fine to date a married but separated man.

He treated you poorly, was likely involved in at least an emotional affair, and you should be thankful that you are no longer involved with him.

However, that is easier said than done. I still have bitterness and sadness over it all at times. I know I'm better off without him. But I still don't like feeling like I was discarded. I am upset with myself for allowing their "friendship" in the first place. I hate the fact that he is already remarried, and I can't even find myself a boyfriend.

So, it's not an easy road, but I'm glad that I've closed one door to the past so I can hopefully open some new doors to better possibilities in the future.


Jen