Even though I've tried I've been a bit slow about sharing my story — 10 months slow –- but here it
is so that you’ll understand. Though he might describe the situation differently – this is the short version through my eyes.

We’ve been together for what seems forever. We are one of those couples who were on again, off again for years, but always led back to one another. Eight years and one 3 year old daughter later we finally tied the knot. Neither of us wanted to get married for the wrong reasons. Like every young couple we had high hopes. I think it would be fair to say he entered the marriage feeling he had made a lot of mistakes and disappointed his parents – and was determined to get is straight. I came into it determined to avoid the rampant divorce I observed in my family. Despite our good intentions we made one mistake after the other.

There is no doubt in my mind that I married him because I genually love him -- it wasn't for the money -- and after 8 years I knew what I was getting. But always had a doubt in the back of my mind if he was going through the motions.

By the time the affair came along we were both miserable. I had time and time again thought of getting out for 8 years. I was miserable because he had extremely high expectations of me to excel in my career; as well as taking care of the home and childrearing. His is the King of messiness and disorder and I the queen of perfection and orderliness. The more he demanded of me the more I felt like a failure. The more I demanded of him the more he felt like he could not do enough for me. Eventually, I just threw my hands up and lay down almost literally. Why bother trying to keep up the house when they are only going to destroy it in a matter of hours? Who does he think he is expects me to be the traditional full-time wife and mother – and a full-time provider – with no help from him on the former! There was a never-ending battle of the wills regarding the distribution of responsibility. He absolutely refused to help around the house or with the children – only doing so on a rare occasion or for brief periods. He’s also carried a lot of resentment for the fact that I have so much student loan debt, but at the same time working with a counseling ministry doesn’t exactly provide an enormous contribution to our financial security. There were also other mistakes that put a lot of strain on our lives and cost a lot of money – often related to caring for other family members -- many of which he blamed me for. Then there was a failed business and bankruptcy. Time and time again he would try to find a way out of the financial hole. Working endlessly leaving me to function basically as a single parent, yet expecting me to fulfill my wifely duties.

By the summer of 2005 his misery had reached a level equal to mine. Looking back I can see that we were both eat up with anger, resentment, and bitterness. He was placing a lot of pressure on me to move my work to full-time. He was in many ways literally crying out – “What does she need from me?” “What do I have to do?” I have been told were the questions he asked of others. He had been working with a friend part-time for about a year. Over the summer the friend’s sibling was in the midst of a divorce and working with her sister. It was at this time that she started flirting with him and making passes at him – which in his words “made me very uncomfortable.”

Then one night we would have a huge fight. One that would start with him waking me up, me not responding enthusiastically, and him pursuing me. Literally following me all over the place and up in my face. Totally out of character I ended up throwing a flowerpot to get him out of my face. At that point he said to !@# with it. A few nights later I was sitting outside and he had come out after taking his shower. He was dressed and said he was going to play pool. I asked him if he wanted me to go with him, he said no I don’t want to keep you up tomorrow is you long day. If felt a bit uneasy – now I know why. That was the end of September, early October.

Over the coming weeks he started working more and more on his part-time, second job. Taking on yet another one. By mid November he started working over night. This is not something that I would normally think much about, because his work often requires him to work overnight and I have often worked with him. But adding to that his increased criticism and decreased interest in sex I became suspicious. He was just not himself and I had a lot of suspicions that he was suicidal. I confronted him the weekend before Thanksgiving. His response was “I have a friend,” which I tried to believe was one of his male co-workers. He basically told me that he couldn’t take anymore and that if he had to spend some time at a friends watching Christian videos to keep his sanity that is what he would do. I was given the ultimatum to get my act together – along with several other ENs.

I had already started working with a counselor, working on the ENs. As I knew that I had not been myself for a couple of years and that my husband was screaming out. I just didn’t think he would do what he detested more than I.

I started maintaining a calendar and collecting documentation the day I confronted him. And continued to do so until I had enough information to confirm my suspicions or disconfirm my insecurities. By the week of Christmas I was absolutely certain. I had the misfortune of meeting her at a Christmas party, in which she did a very good job of covering up so that I left no suspecting her. What I would later find out is that she basically fell apart that night? I had intended to get through the holidays, which I would later find out was also my husband’s intentions; but the night after the party my daughter confronted me and I knew that I could no longer ignore the reality – four days from Christmas or not I was not the one who had made the choice to have an affair. That same night he lied to her about going out Christmas shopping and stayed out the entire night. Up until that day he had been good about making a point to get home before our daughter’s got up. I could not take anymore.

I had only bits and pieces of information; and my daughter’s description of her car. So I with encouragement I decided that I would take a leap and figure out where she lived. By knowing where she lived when he went missing again I would know where to go to confirm that he was with her – and he could no longer argue. With my bits and pieces of information I found her place – but to my horror found his truck there when he was supposed to be at work. I freaked, I was not prepared to confront him.

We made it through the holidays. Then they ran into each other again and ended up having another rendezvous. She accused him of using her for sex, so he would make several short visits to see her that week; each time her fussing at him that he had to leave. That same night all !@#$ would break loose between the two of them. Having figured out he had lied again, I had made arrangements to have the girls stay with my mother, and I was at the house by myself watching television when he came home in tears, asking me to forgive him. That was the end.

We went on our traditional New Year’s Eve date – and in his words to his mother a new start for us. His focus was very much on our marriage and our family. I did not have to make any demands or set strict boundaries because he did it. We set goals, started exercising together, changed our diet, started spending more time together and as a family, planned recreational time with extended family. We also started managing our money together. Without him every reading about ENs, we talked about and focused on meeting one another’s needs. He was helping around the house, cooking, and helping with the girls. For the first time he showed interest in my dreams, my goals. He was going to church with me again. Sex was awesome. We had more energy. We spent time talking every night, too often staying up until 3:00 in the morning, but oddly not that tired when we got up the next morning.

Then about 4 months later a backlog of things that had been neglected for years had to be addressed. He was working more hours and I was working more hours. He went to the races for a weekend, which was a horrible experience for me. He stopped going to church with me, instead working on the house or helping family.

He has continued to maintain good communication in regards to his whereabouts – calls me several times a day and makes a point to get back to me pretty quickly when he cannot talk. Answers my questions – when I ask. Is usually very attentive and affectionate. He tries really hard to comfort me when I let him.

Despite all of the positive things that have happened. I am actually finding it harder to deal with things now that I ever have. I want to be a blessing to him. I want to be close to him. I want to reach out to him. But I don’t as often as I probably should. I have very few triggers related to the affair, but many related to the pre-affair marriage. Any indication of a return to former patterns and I my insides go nuts. I typically respond by having an anxiety attack and withdraw ling. My self-esteem is at an all time low. I often feel like a failure. Often feel like I will never be able to perform well enough to meet up to his standards, or mine. Not everytime, but often when we are having sex or he kisses me I see her face. This isn’t everyday. It’s the rollercoaster full blast – up one day, confident, full of life, then down in the pits of despair the next. Despite the fact that I know most of it is completely irrational and fight the negative barrage of thoughts – I just wish it would go away.

Equally as difficult on me as the affair was the realization and his admittance that all these years he purposefully and spitefully withheld himself and left the responsibility to me. All the while pressuring me to perform like a parent often does their child -- an unhealthy parent of course. Hence another reason why the pre-affair marriage is such a huge, HUGE trigger for me.

I have had so many blessings; it’s hard to find myself down, as if I don’t appreciate my blessings. I am extremely frustrated that I handled things so well during and the months after – but now months later find myself struggling to keep a positive mindset. The fact that it seems it takes most spouses 2 years to heal and recover only frustrates me even more. I have to deal with this for another year. Wondering how long he will be patient with me. Needing him to continuously remind me – “as long as it takes!” The need to know he would fight as hard for me and for us – as I did when the @!# hit the fan and his head was up his exterior.

So that is my story as of ten months post NC.

BA:

My spouse could have wrote your post. I am the FWS. We did grow apart over the years of our relationship, and I did consiously (sp?) stop doing all the things I should have done. My LTA lasted 4.5 Years. Needless to say, there is a lot of wreckage there. But.

We found this site and it changed us completely. We Read HNHN and she read SAA. We even attended one of the MB weekends. This committement to the relationship allowed my BS to see that I was making the required changes to strenghen the M.

So to quote:
"his admittance that all these years he purposefully and spitefully withheld himself and left the responsibility to me. All the while pressuring me to perform like a parent"

I did this. I admitted it. It makes me a horrible person. But, since D-Day, I have not been that person. If your husband has changed, and worked hard, then, your pre-A M no longer exists. Live up to and be the person you want to be.

Your Quote:
"fact that it seems it takes most spouses 2 years to heal and recover only frustrates me even more. I have to deal with this for another year."

Sorry, but it is something you have to deal with for the rest of your life. 2 years is a signpost where you can tell if the M is working. You can check that the changes have really taken. I am 13 months from D-Day. Many Changes have occurred, and I will never go back to the pre-A Marriage. That one was broken. My BS is still on the Roller-coaster, but the hills are alot smaller. Post-A, the M is getting stronger every day.

Finally, your quote:
"We’ve been together for what seems forever. We are one of those couples who were on again, off again for years, but always led back to one another"

You are referring to the "Lost Years" here, where the BS was doing something else and the M wasn't working. You have the chance to repair your M. There can be resentment and regret for this lost time. Stop that. Look forward to the future and what can be.

IMHO

Thanks LG

He won't do MC, read, anything like that. Multiple reasons. Pressure to do so might actually be considered on of my LBs. First tried years ago. Bad experience. Work in large ministry, coworkers, friends ICs MCs so H uncomfortable with it. I begged for years, last request is part of what sent him over the edge. "I thought we were doing great and all of the sudden you bring up MC again.! I finally realized it was saying to him --
'something is wrong with you." So part of my recommitment was to give this to God. I won't ask again.

Although I am convinced that he's getting information somewhere. Because the level of insight that he has just does not come from thin air. Not when you are as stubborn as the two of us are.

Actually the on again off again refers to the earliest years of dating -- quite literally. We'd be together, then fade, together then fade, never once said it is over, or broke up. Dated others along the way, stayed in contact. Then an unexpected pregnancy made us face the fence we had been straddling for years. Either your together or your are not.

Though the marriage might fit that pattern metaphorically. Close, then withdrawel. Close, then withdrawel.

If I could describe our relationship in one word it would be "Passion." And so the saga continues. I couldnt' live without the passion, but gosh it creates some serious intensity -- both a positive and a negative charge.