My FWH had an EA for 4 1/2 years. My d-day was about 4 months ago. There has been no contact with the OW since then. FWH is remorseful, sorry, and shouldering all the blame.

I am still very upset when I think about the affair. And I think about it every day. They spent weekends together, talked to each other on the phone every day, she asked him for expensive gifts (that he gave her), she asked him for thousands of dollars (that he gave her), she even wanted life insurance on him, in case something happened to my H, she would be taken care of (she had not gotten that yet).

What upsets me a lot is, that this woman was cheated on many many years ago herself, by her then husband. She had a revenge A (not with my H) and their marriage ended in divorce. Yet, with all that she had experienced, she had no problem doing this to somebody else.

She is an English teacher at a high school and I thought that maybe her principle, or the school board should know about the ethical and moral values of this teacher. I have been thinking about writing them a letter, but am not sure if this is a good idea.

Should she be exposed? She is forming the minds of young children. I'd like to know what you all think.

Thanks

From reading about other's experiences here, you're not out of the woods yet. Four months off, after 4 years on - that's grown very deep roots.

If both are still working for the same place, it can go off the cliff anytime. It's hard to expose to anyone when it seems over, but at the very least she has to get out of there permanently.
Is she willing to negotiate total unrelenting openness? Can you get her some of the relevant books to read?

Well, there's lots to say here--

one--EA for over four years to include weekends together? Hate to ask the hard question, but why do you think it was not a PA? I just can't see the extent you describe being only EA.

two--does your WH work there as well? Come in contact with her there? I think a better exposure point if he doesn;t work with her is her family, not her job. If the exposure is not meant to break up the affair, then it is more vengeful than anything. Maybe I am wrong here on that part.

three--my stbxh and the OW were both teachers together--and their students KNEW they were having an affair--he lied and told them we were divorced, though. I exposed at the school, in an effort to bust up the affair as I was well-advised here. It did not work, but it for sure gave me the satisfaction knowing I was doing all I could.

four--how is your recovery going? If there is no contact for four months now, I think it is best to leave her alone--no reason to bring up contact again, unless you have doubts?

Keep posting--everyone here is SO very helpful.

Intexas

Hi DMbx and intexas,

According to my FWH the affair was not physical. The OW wasn't going to cross that line. She had told him right from the beginning "no sex" and stuck to it (according to my H). She didn't have a problem with the other aspects of their affair though. My gut tells me that he is being truthful. I hope my gut is right.

My husband doesn't work were she is working. We live in different states (even before d-day). We knew the OW from the past (she was the wife and then XW of my H's former partner). We never had any contact with either of them for the next 10 years, until my H decided to give her a call 4 1/2 years ago. That's how the A started. At that point my H had already started a new business in a different state. Last time I saw her was about 15 years ago.

You're probably right regarding revenge. I would like revenge. This woman is so self-centered - I know, so was my H, I do want her to suffer as well.

My H stopped all contact as soon as I found out. She kept calling a few times yet, leaving messages on his voice mail. I listened to all of her messages; some were gracious, some were angry. In the last one she left, she let him know that she was doing fine. I don't want her to be doing fine. Do you understand what I mean? I am still struggeling with this, my H (in hindsight) is struggeling with it (I know it's his fault), why shouldn't she struggle a little bit?

I understand when you say it's better to leave it alone, but there is a part in me that wants her to suffer.

My H and I are trying to follow Harley's principles. We have been reading his books, we are seeing a counselor, we are doing a lot of talking and soul searching. I have days that are better and days that are not so good. I know I do love my H and want to give our M a chance, especially after 29 years. Some days I am not so sure though if it will work out. But from what I have been reading, what I am going through is not unusual. It truly is a roller coaster ride.

Thank you both for your responses.

I so understand what you mean. The OW in our case was the old girlfriend from HS. I knew her birthday and wanted to send dead roses with a rubber snake in them, but I refrained.

I considered telling her workplace as she is a nurse. The A was physical in our case, and I thought that a nurse would have more sense than to have unprotected sex -haha.

It is better to let it go.

I hope for your sake that he is telling you the truth, yet it seems highly unlikely that there was no physical. Maybe there was no actual intercourse, but some contact if they were spending weekends together.

Suggest you both have an std screen and see his reaction. You can learn a lot that way.

Hang in there

moveforward,

What prevented you from doing it?

Why didn't you expose her?