I am just curious how many of your spouses left after changes in appearence such as weight loss?

whose appearance? the one that left or the one that stayed?

I think you should requalify that. How many spouses began an affair AFTER a change in appearance? I think diet and exercise are pretty typical symptoms of people having an affair.

Mine shaved off his prize mustache. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> The one he told everyone he wouldn't shave off unless his W asked him to (which I did and he still didn't). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

However, along comes a stranger OW and whoosh!!! Off came that mustache.....so his face is now my trigger. Imagine that!?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

L.

My WXH was overweight and scruffy before and during the A.

He is even heavier now than he was pre-A.

OW loves him just the way he is. Isn't that lovely. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

My wife got a Nordic Trak during her first affair (the OM helped her find it and get it to our house)...BTW, I took great pleasure in tossing it into the dumpster at the landfill and then tossing large rocks from our yard on top of it.

At the start of 2nd PA, my wife signed up for a gym membership (stopped going after affair exposed) and started other unusual hygeine habits she never did before.

my husband left after his gastric bypass, I also have a friend whos wife did the same thing. These people who have drastic changes in their appearence for the better come to a realization that they had "settled" for their spouse. My husband said that if he were never fat he would have chosen me. It has been very painful. At the very least - I don't despise the little hore as much, because he settled for me for 13 yrs. Nice thing is that he no longer has the little hore and seems quite lonely in his apt all alone w/ no friends or family. He replaced everyone and seems left with no one. He drinks now wich is something he never did in all the time I was w/ him. He now calls me his best friend - and approaches me for sf which I won't do. I am planning a fall trip and he has invited himself. I can't go w/ him, I am to resentful. It is trite I know, but it sure feels good to know that he is feeling loniness and pain.

My WW dropped about 30 pounds and worked out extra hard right before OM came to secretly visit her. She was doing several workout tapes a day and blamed me for forcing her to workout and lose weight and that was part of the reason she was miserable. Once she left me to have "time to think", aka go and live with the OM for a month she regained some of her weight back. Now, however, I'm in Plan B and don't really care one way or another as to what her weightloss goals are. I'm just happy to be moving forward with my own life one day at a time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mine did. I think the changes were motivated by the affair. He grew his hair (pony tail), lost weight, started wearing contacts. Got motor cycle, now has two tattos...

Whatever...

justjulie,

I've read/heard a couple of news pieces recently on a phenomenon that your H may be experiencing. Apparently, some people who have gastric bypass surgery transfer their addictive behavior from food to alcohol.

I don't know whether you're seriously relating with your husband as a friend these days, but if you are, you might suggest that he discuss the matter with his doctor. Short of that, I recommend educating yourself on the signs of alcoholism, watch for those signs in your husband, and protect yourself (and your kids if you have any) however might be appropriate for the situation.

I didn't meet FOM until a couple years after I had lost a bunch of weight. But I think the weight loss created issues in my M. Before the weight loss, my H would mutter about how I needed to lose weight (he thought I didn't hear him but I did). So I worked to lose about 30 pounds, with H trying to sabotage my efforts the whole way by bringing unhealthy food into the house. Go figure.

Was the weight loss a contributing factor to my A? Perhaps, I guess, seeing that the FOM may not have found me attractive with the extra pounds. But I can't blame the A on the weight loss, the A was my stupid, selfish choice after my own failure to recognize and protect against my vulnerabilities.

BTW, I've gained about 10 pounds back. H is delighted; I'm not!

Through her bariatric surgery (LapBand) my WW has lost close to 100 lbs in the last 2 years. Her affair started in Aug 2005 and is still ongoing.

Even though she hasn't said anything to this effect, I strongly suspect that she feels she can "do better" now that she's no longer overweight. And she's probably right...

V

For me I can pinpoint the start of her changed behavior.

It started after breast augmentation and lypo suction.

From that day on I almost knew it was coming.

So the change in her appearence was directly related to her behavior that directly related to her A.

I don't think my FWW thought she could do better I think she wanted to take her new body out on a test drive.

Now she wasn't flat chested she had nice boobs. All the guys paid attention to them and her. Where were these guys when she was an A cup. I guess she never thought about that.

Ugh Orchid, I have the same trigger.

My husband shaved off his much-loved beard and moustache to get a reaction out of the OW. She never even mentioned it; but it was like a kick in the stomach to me. I so loved that beard, and he knew it.

I still think of that often when I look at him. It is probably my most stubborn trigger.

HurtingLess,

It's interesting that you mention the change in behavior. I noticed the same thing with my WW. After the surgery, she became even more outgoing than she already was. The change was so significant that serveral of our friends commented on it.

V

As we all know, not every situation involving change in physical appearence is the same here.

I do know that typically a WS experiences affair-driven changes in appearence when they meet and start-up with the OP. Things like losing weight, grooming habits, change in attire and possibly some cosmetic changes, not to mention all the character changes in personality.

But I also know of several stories here (Good Father's is one of them) where his WW had GB surgery and then a subsequent tummy tuck. After those, she started having affair(s). She went from 5' 250+ lbs to 125 lbs.

Jo

Ver,

Yes I noticed it almost as soon as the scars healed. She went from dressing somewhat conservatively to dressing to accentuate the positives.

She went from being somewhat introverted around men to being out going.

The sad thing is many of her outfits were IMHO not appropriate. I do not believe a mother should go to school with cleavage showing. She did.

She was very critical of the mothers that wore tight shirts and tight skirts. But she wore them.

When a man whistled at her and paid her attention it made her feel great. When we were at a bar or a party if a guy was talking to her she would engage in a conversation. You could see what the guy wanted but she would always say "I am married with two kids what kind of guy would do that" Then she would turn it around on me. So what the only thing guys want from me is SF are you saying I am not interesting. I said have you ever notice how their interest wanes when I come into the picture? They don't seem to want to stick around once I show up. I wonder why that is?

So she came out of her caccoon. It was hard seeing the writing on the wall.

The worse thing is before her trip I voiced my concern. I just had a feeling she was going to have an A. She said why. I said because you are too nice to men they are getting the wrong signal.

Well it happened on that trip almost exactly like I thought it would. Wrong guy at the right time. He had no problem being with a married mother of two.

There are always these bottom feeders.

In retrospect I wish she didn't have the surgery.

I think before someone has a radical change like GB or plastic surgery there should be some serious IC that goes along with it.

Don't give someone a gun that doesn't know how to use it. There are a lot of psychological factors that are involved in drastic change. A lot of people do not know how to deal with it.

There was a show. I don't know if it was the Swan or one of those other extreme makeover shows. Well the Fiancee didn't like the drastic change because he loved her for who she was. They ended up breaking up.

The one thing I will give that show is they did have IC sessions.

So what does it mean when your WH does nothing to improve his appearance during an affair?

I think he was relieved to find someone who accepted him just as he was (overweight, drinking problem, scruffy).

To be perfectly honest, the OW is no oil painting either. She is nearly 6 feet tall, very 'big boned' and masculine. And she wears very tight and revealing clothes - very scary! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I think they find great relief in each other.

What a sour little post! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

In my case my WW had the surgery two years before our marriage (5 years before the affair). Things I didn't pick up on right away about her appearance were:
* buying many more uniforms (nursing scrubs) then she needed
(to show off to guys at work)
* putting on perfume before going to work
* use of chewing gum / breath mints (where formerly she didn't)
* increased use of contacts (which had been unused for years)
* bought new (designer) eyeglasses (needed) and rx sunglasses
(not needed)
* change in undergarments (from cotton, functional) to frilly
Of course, any of these in isolation isn't terribly suspicious.

- WG

It is the strangest feeling. After he had the gastric bypass - he changed, not just physicaly - he changed in everyway. He is not the man I knew and loved for so long. Which explains my feelings. I feel widowed. I almost look to the heavens to talk w/ my old Harold. I miss him so much, the thought breaks my heart over and over. This new skinny Harold... is no one I would ever look twice at. New Harold has thrown his family and life long friends away like we were wkly trash. My old Harold would have never done that. That is what I like to believe - it is most comforting. In reality when he said he settled for me and he never loved me - he meant that this new skinny trite Harold was hiding in the old Harold all these years.

Just wanted to vent

Thanks Julie