I started this new topic becasue I has no response on old thread. I have been Plan A since May 15th or so. Dday May 8th 06. My WW would always stick up for OM telling me that you would like him if not for this sitch. Things like that. I would listen and let it go as FOG. The OM started off by talking to my W about his M and how bad it was. My W told me that she wanted to help him out because he was a friend. My W would tell him to stop making passes at her and to work on his M. Well it turned into a EA for about 8-9 months. Now my wife has not talked to OM for 4-5 weeks and has not seen him for 2 months. My W now sees that OM used her when he was down about his own M. My W is pi$$ed that he did this to her. I'm sure she felt that they had a great, true love and now it was just using her. NO KIDDING DUH!!! My W tells me time and again that it is not OM anymore that it is just her not feeling it with me anymore. So what is my next step? What to do or say or just play it cool? The A is over now I want my wife back.
me 36
WW 33
DS5
DD2
D-day 5-8-06

Plan A since May 15

You better get yourself in to plan B...

right..
isn't that the point of plan A

Plan B....

ARK

It's only been four months. Sounds like she's only now beginning to come out of the fog.

Are you still living together? Just keep on w/ plan A. Focus on improving YOU. No LB's. That means no R talk.

Patience.

I'm not sure who put this list together.But, it's some darned good advice.


DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

~ Marsh

First of all, your wife did this to herself. You said it yourself, "She is pissed because he used her". Doesn't like being used much does she.

I agree with ark, she either gets it during plan A or time to go to plan B. Let her know what it feels like to lose the only one who has shown care and love to her.

And before you say she won't leave, man do I get tired of hearing that, you pack her bags, bring them to her work and drop them off with your plan B letter. No further contact unless she is willing to discuss you demands to repair your marriage.

And my friend, you better belive they are demands, they are not hopes, dreams or desires. She better be ready for I will, not I will try.

Good luck! I wish you well!

Let me add that i talked with Steve Harley last week and he told me to keep doing what I'm doing just maybe back off trying too much to impress her or show too much love. The reason I'm bring this up now is that I never thought about Plan B yet. Dr Harley told me to stay at home as long as I can and keep on Plan A ing. He told me that some things are getting through to her. The question I have here is: Do I pull, push, play it cool and show love only as a H can and wait for her to hit her bottom? She is just now seeing through the fog some and I hope that one day she will see what she has done to our M and herself and I want to be there for her to land softly in a loving home.
thanks for all the input.
M2L

Maybe she's peeking out of the fog and testing the waters- seeing if even when she says these things you still want her back- seeing if it's safe with you.

The fog is thick, M2L, make no mistake. She is still in fogville, and anything she says is suspect. Now she's rationalizing her mistakes- classic WS. You know this, right? It's just hard to see it when you're in the middle, I know. She has to justify what she did, and now that she knows it was just him using her, it hurts- and she now needs to find another reason to justify her screwing up her M and her life so bad.

She just doesnt' get it yet, it does take awhile for us WW's to become FWW's.

Hang in there, it isnt' too late yet.

MrsRob

thanks for the reply. I have never given her reason to think I didn't want her back. I have always told her that I will own up to my end of our M problems, but the EA was her doing and hers alone. I never shoved it down her throat though, just stating my feelings and then moving on. We live each day very well, except that there is no SF (it's getting way too long for that to happen), no ILY, no loving feelings. I try to make love deposits, but nothing is getting through. Now that she sees what the EA was, I wondering what her next faze will be and what to expect. If i know this going into it I will know how to handle it just like I did with Plan A. Maybe she is coming out of withdrawal and back to conflict.
thanks
M2L

* Let her simmer in her own stew for a while longer.

* Remain in Plan A. But with an air of nonchalance and indifference.

* It will take 6 weeks to 6 months for withdrawal.

* Continue any self-improvement projects you are currently working on, with a vengence.

* Try to incorporate her into your life by inviting her to participate in things you did together when you were first courting her, long before your marriage. Favorite place, resort, activities, restaurants. Complete air of indifference if she declines.

* Remember withdrawal is tediously slow. Measure progress by what transpires over a month, not hours, days or weeks.

* LoveBank deposits mean nothing as stand alone events. It is the constant, repetitious, sustained effort to make LB$$ deposits that makes a difference. Like monthly deposites in your 401K.

* If she won't accompany you in the pursuit of fun activities, go alone, or take your kids and do it anyway. She'll wonder what she's missing.

* You'll know the withdrawal is well underway when she can look you directly in the eyes, and you can see the woman your WW used to be...

Best wishes,
SD

thanks for your post.
M2L

Well now WW really has nothing for OM and doesn't know why she did what she did. She still hears that OM and OMW are fighting all the time and OMW just rides his a$$ about the EA. My wife says that it's his problem or their problem and that WE figured out our problems and our M. I ask her "we figured it out becasue you still don't have loving fealings for me" she says "you figured it out and worked on you and we are in a much better place now, then adds that she just needs to work on herself about the feelings." I just listen and let her know that I'm here for her and I'm just being the best me I can with her and the kids. I will wait for her to process her feelings. I don't know if she will have a crash one day or just a soft landing? I'll be there either way, but I'm not projecting a doormat just a loving H.

is this the right wat to handle this?
thanks again,
M2L
me 36
WW33
DS5
DD2
d-day 5-8-6


edited for spelling

Maybe,

I have posted the following thread to many people. It is by a lady who was a WS and recovered her marriage. It offers HER timeline toward recovery. I think you might find it useful for it shows that time it took her to really start to recover feelings for her H. I have met this woman personally, as well as her H. They are wonderful people and last I heard now have a child. Please read it and perhaps show it to your W sometime as she indicates she wants to recover. It may open her eyes, but wait until she has committed to trying to save this marriage. Here it is SKM's Chronicles

God Bless,

JL

Thank you JL,

I'm glad that people like you, the old pros, are still around posting. I have read that post one other time early on for me, but I forgot about it. I'm also glad to hear that SKM and H have a child now. Thanks for the link and you are right about showing my wife at some point, but not right now, I'll just keep on Plan A.

thanks again,
M2L

update:


Over the weekend I told my wife that I would like to take her shopping and to dinner. We have an event coming up that she needs a new dress for so she liked the idea. We had a good time, nice weather and no R talk. Wife really liked my helping her pick out a dress. Dinner comes and I let her pick it. A nice Italian place. Well durning dinner, which felt like a frist date, my wife was just smilling and looking into my eyes and having a great time. No R or M talk. She likes that I have been a "man" in her eyes and not a begging or groveling person. Just about anytime I ask her to go out, she wants to go. Also over the weekend I had cards with the guys one night and a ballgame with the guys another day. Each "guy" outing was for only 3-5 hours each, but I think it showed her that I am a man and I do man things, not always just a H or father. I also let her sleep in on day and I took the kids (2,5) out for breakfest. Yes I can live without her and she knows it. I am trying to be still and let her see me and come to me. Also she wanted SF for the first time in about 5 months. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />
thanks to all that have helped so far. I'll keep posting with questions as they come up.
M2L

* You'll know the withdrawal is well underway when she can look you directly in the eyes, and you can see the woman your WW used to be...

Best wishes,
SD [/quote]
This quote was from Shattered Dreams a few weeks ago. I have started to see "that" look in her eyes now adays. I asked WW this AM if she has been talking to OM? Her reply was "no I have not and I know why you are asking. It is because I seem happier." Months ago I asked WW if she was talking to OM she told me then that if she was talking to OM then she would be happier than she was. So now that she is acting happier I thought one of two things - she is coming out of the FOG a little or she is talking to OM. She doesn't like the OM now that she has had NC for about 2 months. So, am I correct in thinking that WW is coming around some? If so, from what I have read, now is a good time to add the love deposites to her bank. They may now start to stick with WW???

me 36
WW 33
DS5
DD2
Dday 5-8-06
In Plan A

bump for pHB

bump for ChicagoDad