My H EA was exposed in May and he ended the A. Shortly after he started saying that we weren't meant for eachother and he wanted to leave. All the while I was pregnant with our fourth child. He actually found his apartment the day before I was scheduled to have a c-section. Anyway he decided a couple weeks later to stay but also wnet to see the OW for her birthday. For which he drove an hour to surprise her at work and take her to lunch. I subsequently came to the realization that the A never stopped. Although he still claims that it did. He dragged me through a lot of pain at the very worst possible time. We were supposed to be enjoying our new baby and instead spent his time telling me I was inadequate. I now feel so lost and confused. Our new baby is now 7 weeks old and I hate him for doing this to me now. Like his EA that lasted the entire duration of my pregnancy wasn't bad enough he had to continue it through the first weeks of my recovery. I can't let this go and yet it's supposedly over. It haunts my thoughts constantly. My self esteem has been crushed and I think the only way to heal is to ask him to leave but I can't seem to make myself do it. We have 4 kids and a history that I had believed was good. I just want my life back. The thing is I feel so much better when he's not around. Some of the things he said and did are unforgivable. Especially when he did them. Is there still hope for us?


Thanks
Mellysue

Melly,

Yes, there is hope. #1 Read His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair and all the stuff on this website. #2 listen to the veterans on this board. #3 Realize that you are not at fault, you are worthy and deserve to have a good relationship.

Recovery will take time; I'm still in the midst of it. You will have up/down days. You probably feel like you have no control over your life right now, that will gradually get better as your self-esteem starts to come back. Don't believe what he said and did during his A (I have to keep reminding myself this too).

My prayers are with you. You are more than adequate.

My H is being so affectionate trying to show me he loves me but it feels like an act. He calls constantly throughout the day because he used to call the OW about 15 times a day when he was telling me he had no time to talk. So now when he calls I'm just reminded of how often he called her and how much time he should have been talking to me. Does anyone have any ideas on to cope?

Melly

Melly, it will take time to heal from this. You are going through all the normal grieving processes. You are looking at 12-18 months of recovery if he works hard to repair the damage he caused. Kicking him out will not help anything unless you decide the marriage is over.

Has he ended ALL contact and sent her a no contact letter?

My H says there is no contact but I'm not convinced as I only recently found out that he still wants to be her "friend". And he refuses to do a no contact letter because he says there is no point to telling her he's not talking to her if he's not talking to her. Although he is willing to meet with her to "breakup" with her. He says that it's unfair to do it any other way. I suggested a phone call but even that seems risky. It only took two weeks of not seeing her to spark going to see her again anyway. This seems like a ploy to be with her. What do you think?

Melly

hmm, I think he is probably not done with his affair. Wanting to meet her to "break up" is only an excuse to go see her. If he wanted to end contact, he wouldn't want to see her at all. TEll him the no contact letter is a good will gesture that will help you HEAL. Of course, if he still wants to be her "friend" then that is an admission he wants to continue the affair. To stay "friends" with her is profoundly disrespectful to you, tell him.

Is she married? They don't work together, do they?

Agree... not done with affair. Not even close.

They did work together but she transferred to another store right before I had the baby. Her boyfriend met a girl online and dumped her. He says that I'm crucifying him for something he thought was innocent. He says I have all the control over how I'm feeling and should just stop because he didn't have ill intent and didn't hurt me on purpose. How do I have control? He has proven he can easily go back and will. Isn't how I feel a result of what he;s done? The last few days have been really hard with him back at work. While he was on leave i found her number in his phone again but it was supposedly just for one time at work for someone else.

Thanks for listening
Melly

huh? he thinks an affair is "innocent?" I would do like I suggested and explain to him your boundaries, namely that he end contact for life. Ask him to show you a good will gesture by sending her a no contact letter. That will be a good demonstration of TRUST BUILDING. What is he willing to do to prove to you that contact has ended completely? What is he willing to do to EARN your trust?


So, the affair is still on? Have you seen his phone bill?

He works for cingular and his bills go directly to the corporate office but I recently found out that he had been talking to her far more than I knew. He used to tell me that he didn't have any time to talk at work but as I've found out that only applied to me. As he was calling her about 10 times a day including xmas eve while he was at work and didn't call us to even say hi. He thinks I should just trust him because his A was an accident. Trust that he doesn't want to talk to her but I heard this when it was first exposed too. The whole thing ended badly with him looking like the biggest fool for trusting her and yet he forgave her and "wished her nothing but good things" within a couple of weeks. He says it's because the they caused me isn't the first thing he thinks of when he thinks about her. Will he ever? I mean if he doesn't now after destroying my pregnancy and recovery with his A how could he?

Melly

Why are you willing to accept this? I don't understand. What boundaries have you set? Have you shown him the Four Rules of Protection? I would show him what has to happen to recover your marriage in addition to asking him to send the no contact letter. That will be a first step. But, in order to rebuild trust, he will have to find some way to prove to you that contact has ended. Trust has to be EARNED, and your marriage cannot recover until he does that. Ask him how he can do that. What is his plan to recover your marriage?

And of course you shouldn't "just trust him." It would be silly to trust an untrustworthy person. Trust has to be earned.

Four Rules of Protection: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

Melly: I agree with everything Melody and noodle have said, but I'd also like to address the fact that you have a 7-week old baby (on top of three other children).

Your recent C-section surgery, interrupted sleep, and likely exhaustion from taking care of children 24/7 may contribute to your worries about your husband's affair.

I would like to emphasize to you that it is important to take care of yourself and your body right now! Please find a way to carve a few hours out for yourself once in a while, and maximize your rest so that your physical health will return. Strong body, strong mind, strong woman.

Yes there is still hope. You've come to the right place.

melly,

I don't know what market area WH works in, but I work for the same company. (Actually, I work for a dealer/agent).
There may be a way to find out what's on his bill, but it would take a bit of "cloak and dagger" work. I can give you a couple of options on how to go about it, but I don't get a lot of time here, so my email is the quickest way to reach me. OTOH, if you are willing to wait till I can answer you, I can discuss it here.

Don't give up hope!

That would be fantastic! I've been advised to do a little detective work but I've had a hard time finding a way to do that. You can email me or post here either way is fine. I've made it very clear that he has a lot of work to do but this way I know he isn't hiding anything. He has a blackberry and I've heard there is a program that can retrieve deleted information do you know where I can get that?

melly

melly,

I see that you are in Illinois. That happens to be the market I work in.

I've added my email to my profile (click on my screen name and it will show up). Send me an email and I'll reply with what I need to pull it up (Don't want to post that here). I can't get current month's info on my system, but can go back about 3 or 4 months.

As long as it isn't a "corporate" account, I should be able to see it.

As for software to intercept the emails t/f the Blackberry, I don't know of any right now, but will Google it.

Does anyone have any suggestions in dealing with the constant memories of WH and OW. In his attempt to prove his innocence he invited me to work while were working together and spent the entire time ignoring the kids and me and overtly flirting with her. Constant touching and giggling. I'm ashamed to say that I stayed and said nothing but of course this along with a year of other "I can't live without her" moments run constant replay. It always feels like I've lost so much. I stupidly believed we were happy. Obvious lack of communication. But still I thought at the very least we needed more time together. Which is minimal in comparison to what is going on now. I feel like I've bacome obsessed with this and it's consuming my thoughts. I'm grieving but can't put my finger on exactly what I'm grieving for. I tend to be exceptionally logical but this seems to defy all logic. Logic suggests I deserve better but I still hold onto the hope that somehow this will all go away. If anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it!

Thanks so much
Melly

Are you angry at yourself for doing nothing to protect yourself? Why do you think you would allow someone to treat you so very shabbily?

You are right-I am angry at myself for not protecting myself and for letting things continue for as long as they did. I was grasping at straws to get WH attention which I of course am ashamed of. All the while he was making a choice. He watched my heartbreaking and still did nothing. I am angry at him as well. I keep thinking I deserve better and I'm not sure he can give that to me. And yet I can't seem to let him go. He has no concept of how deeply he has hurt me or atleast doesn't appear to. Part of me wants him to go to the OW. I feel like I would feel better if he did which I know makes no sense. The only thing I can figure is that I think he deserves to lose us. After all that is what he has taken from me. I had dreams for our future and now I'm too afraid to dream any further than 5 minutes from now. I know it's still early but shouldn't it be easing atleast a little bit? I just can't forget all the I can't live without her and she's the best friend I've ever had or the times when he said he was at an impass-can't let her go but doesn't want to leave me.

Melly

Mellysue,

Try to not let the fog talk get to you. All WSs say things that they think are true, but later won't even remember saying. Just remember, it's the alien that inhabits his body that says those things. Your H is still in there somewhere, but right now doesn't even know he's lost.

BTW, did you get my e-reply this morning?