I've experienced so much pain these last 8 years of my 10 year marriage, that I'm really beginning to question if God is real. Is this whole Christianity thing just a figment of my imagination and does God really care about my situation. I've tried to hang in there; keep the faith; be strong, etc., but I can't take this pain anymore. I think part of the problem is that I married a guy who didn't have a solid, stable work history or a solid career path established, when I met him. He was in school getting his MBA at 37 years old while working at a call center. I on the other hand had graduated college & was working as a bank manager for 3 years. As a single person, I had my career established; my own car which was paid off; my own apartment & planning to purhcase a house; excellent credit; and money saved in the bank.

How is it that I get married and things begin to deteriorate? I lost my excellent credit when I let this guy use my cards to fund various businesses ventures...big mistake. Also, other things surfaced two years after the marriage that I wasn't aware of. 1) I find out that he is a recovering alcoholic, 2) I find out after two years of marriage that he is a porn and sex addict, and 3) while he's studying abroad for his MBA program, I find that he had a female colleague in his bed at the hotel and he tells me that nothing happened...right! Also, at this time, I was 5 months pregnant. There's so much more, but I'll stop here.

He does go to his SA meetings weekly, but I guess, I'm just so upset with myself because after almost 10 years of marriage our finances are still pathetic. I am self-employed, but not making enough to make ends meet. He has tried many businesses and now is a mortgage banker for 3 months, but no real success as yet. I guess I realize that because I married someone who didn't really have an established, stable work background or career established that I continue to deal with financial challenges. I guess I married him because I felt he had "potential"..another mistake. It's even more difficult because we have a very bright 7 1/2 year old who doesn't have the fun things a little boy should have and we have a difficult time just meeting our basic needs. There are other issues, but the financial problem is most critical.

It's so difficult to deal with the fact that since I've been married I have lost so much. I'm trying to hang in there for my son, because he loves both of us dearly and tells us a lot. I just don't want to become selfish and leave and not think of how it would hurt him. I just don't know how much more I can take. I thought things would get better with his new job, but it doesn't seem to be. What should I do? I don't know how much more I can take...it's been too much already. If I didn't have a child, I would've left two years after the marriage when all the nonsense began.

Blindwillsee,

thank you for your reponse, but I can assure you that money is not what drives me. If it were, I would not have hung in as long as I have. I would've looked elsewhere to have my needs met. I was believing, hoping and trusting God that things would get better, but honestly, I'm just tired in my spirit. Yes, I was raised to take care of my business and be a responsible person and pay my obligations and that is what I strive to. I also strive to be a good example to our son. You are right when you say "what you see is what you get". I was vulnerable during the time I met my hubby, because on the day I met him, I had just relocated from PA to GA alone, and I found out that I met this same guy 7 years prior back in PA...we lived in the same neighborhood.

So, for the record, this is not all about money. We are currently enrolled in DAve Ramsey's Financial Peace Univeristy, so I know that my finances will get back on track. There are other issues like parenting, discipline, etc that hubby isn't performing as a dad, which is equally frustrating. As a child growing up, my parents were disciplinarians. However, he tells me that his parents beat him for anything, therefore, he has a hard time discipling our son. Ok, but there are classes he can attend to help him in this area. This is a huge problem in our home as well. Our 7 1/2 year old son pits us against each other. I simply can't continue enduring this for the next 11 years. When I communicate my concerns & frustrations, he tells me that I have an anger problem...actually it is called frustration, and feeling like a single parent. I feel like I am the only parent, so I am strongly considering a seperaton or divorce. This way I am only responsible for my son and myself. Hubby can raise his son however he wants, when he is with him, but when our son is at my house, he must abide by my rules.

We are currently in marrige counseling, but I don't honestly see any changes. I am self employed and I have 2 businesses that I currently work to bring in extra income. I get up at 5:30 am each morning and begin work, so I am certainly doing my best to manage my finances.

I am also the disciplinarian in the household and hubby does not support me. I pay all the bills; I am the educator, the cook, the chauffer, etc, etc., and I'm just burned out. I guess I didn't know that hubby wouldn't pull his share of parenting, so I feel like I'm doing his parental job as well. Nor did I expect my finances to go awry since I got married. So, yeah, I would probably say that I am frustrated and I have resentment and anger with myself for not "looking deep" into this person's life to see what challenges I would be up against. So now I must decide what I need to do to have peace and contentment.

redhead, in so many ways I understand what you are saying. God is there for you, He always is. Stay still long enough to feel his presence.

Now, your hubby is in a 12 step program for SA? What about you? Are you in a program? If you have not already get the book "Every Heart Restored" by Arterburn and Stoeker and the book "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Both very helpful for women with SA's in their lives.

One more thing I wanted to point out in your questioning God in all this, remember you made the choices you made. God gave us free will. If you read this quote again you will see what I mean. Ok, so it is too late to change the past but not too late to have a better now and a great future. One day at a time ok?

redhead,

Have you been able to attend a church anywhere together? Or sit down humbly and with an eager heart and pray about these things side-by-side before God? That will be the greatest factor, I believe, in the healing of your marriage. If that can happen, I believe, you will see a true change in your lives.

Sounds like your husband may not be so willing. Do you suspect he is having an affair? My wife did, and yes, it makes no sense, but God didn't have her do it.

All I know is that God is real, more real than every problem we may have in life. Not without pain, life is a gift nonetheless. Instead of wondering if God exists, go toward Him instead. Test Him that way. Appeal to His grace and mercy on your life and see what changes come about.

Prayer is one of the most important events of the day and will go a long way toward getting your marriage back on the right path. If your husband won't participate, do it anyway. I'll be praying for you as well.

I feel your pain, but instread of questioning, run to Him. really, I mean that. I have also had a lot of crappy things happen lately, but without my faith I have no clue where I'd be. See, it wasn't God who did these things to you--it was your WS, and even deeper, it was sin.

This statement helped me a lot--Apart from God we are capable of ANYTHING! (and that anything ain't good).

When I start to ask why? I have started to change my questiong to What? What can God do through this? I'll be divorced as of next week, but i am sure God will still use me somehow.

There's a verse in Habakuk that I fell in love with in college--the jist of it--no matter what, I'll praise the Lord. I cling to that.

I work and live with families who have seriously ill and terminally ill children. I see horrible things all the time, yet I'll still praise Him because He is still good despite all the yuck in this world.

I'll be praying for you as well, and I really mean that. I know how tough and discouraging this road can be. But don't give up on God--He's got your back even if it doesn't seem like it.

Intexas

Having married my spiritual role model, my H completely shocked me when I discovered his A. He was our Bible study leader, a youth leader and active in our church's men ministry. In the eyes of our friends, my H was the "perfect" Christian man. The discovery of my H's affair cut through my heart like a knife. My WH disobeyed God. Instead of questioning God, I leaned on Him more than ever. Although I can't thank my WH for betraying and deceiving me, I can thank him for bringing me to the path of Christ. My WH left me but I was fortunate enough to have our church community to rely on during my moments of darkness and heartache. Since d-day, I have strengthened my relationship with the Lord in ways I never imagined. Allow Him to heal your broken heart. Ask God for His hand during the most painful times of your life.

I will be praying for you.

God is watching and weeping for those that are being hurt. But he also knows the outcome, so he isn't worried...

Red,

Did I get this right: you said your husband is working (for the past 3 months), yet you are paying all the bills? Was this overstatement? Does he agree there is a financial problem?

While its not the major issue in my marriage, it turns out that I'm over-functioning (highly responsible) and my wife is under-functioning. You sound more responsible than I am. Maybe you need to let some things go and let your husband assume some responsibility. It would probably be better for you long term if he did some things (paying bills, disciplining) badly at first -- without criticism from you -- than if he does nothing. (He can learn to get good -- get him doing.) Some spouses just give up when criticized a lot and let the other person take charge. He thinks you get angry, do you think you criticize?

BTW, is infidelity a current issue in your marriage?

Congrats for dealing with your emotions in a constructive way (e.g., talking to husband, marriage counselor, MarriageBuilders). Please hang in there. God does care for you.

If not your spouse, who supports you? Any close family, friends, church?

- WG

Dear Redhead111,

I think WoundedGentleman gave you some good practical advice.

I'd like to add that I think God created free will so we could explore it.
Which means we will make mistakes and get the chance to learn from them.
God doesn't snatch your life from your fingers and says "Here, I'll fix it, because you don't seem to be able to."
He gives us the chance to learn and grow stronger.

From where I'm standing, I see that
- your son's health and yours is fine
- you are intelligent and able to make money
- you are finding ways/taking steps to heal.

It might just be that it will take more time than you'd like to get things on the right track again.

The way I see it, we can only hear God's voice when we are silent, not when we are full of protest because things aren't working out the way we want them to.

God's voice will help you make the right decision in your life NOW.

And from my own experience..
Don't be afraid or too proud to ask for help.
You need to ASK and you shall be given.

Red

My oldest daughter gave me this quote yesterday from Phillip Yancey's "The Jesus I Never Knew"

"The Bible, from Genesis 3 to Revelation 22 tells the story of a God reckless with desire to get His family back."

It helped me see that God will continue to pursue my WH even when I have no idea what's going on with him. I've been able to find comfort in that.

redhead111 - hmmm...I don't know. Where to YOU think God has been?

How much of this situation do you think is God's fault and how much of it is "our fault?"

Your questions are normal and have been asked many times before. Are you just expressing your pain, or are you really looking for some direct answers to those questions?

Know this, if it helps, God is still "there" where He has always been. But He NEVER forces Himself on someone against their will. He STANDS ready to help anytime someone WANTS His help and stands ready to listen to Him and to obey Him, for Christ's sake.

God bless.

God is real and He sent his Son to die for you and for me. Don't let Satan deceive you. God is still on the throne. The pain and suffering in this world is because of sin and our sinful natures. And maybe you are trying too hard to be strong and handle this yourself. Give it over to God and let Him comfort you and carry you through this. It will not be easy, but I don't remember ever reading any promises about life being all roses and candy in this world. I look to the Lord and I am so thankful that I know that my ultimate destination is in Heaven with Him. We all have free will. And we all have sinned. Salvation through Christ is the only way we get out of our sin debt.

The Christianity thing? Not for sure what you mean by that. Do you have a personal relationship with God? Do you remember a specific time when you acknowledged your sin and asked God to come into your heart and forgive you and help you to live the rest of your life for Him? If so, stand on the promises HE made. If not, do it now.

I know your pain is intense and real and often sometimes when it is almost too much for me to bear, I remember God controls the timer and the temperature to this fiery furnance I am in right now. Heat is used to refine impurities out of gold. Likewise, we will only be in the furnance as long as needed.....to remove the impurities in us.........or as necessary for the person for whom we are standing in the gap for. Take it one day at a time and lean on God.

I know just how you feel as I have felt the same, you want to escape the pain. Just trust in God. As a BS that only discovered 2 alleged OC, ages 15 & 9, the day after my 19th wedding anniversary, I am sure you can see where I can identify with your pain. But God will not put any burden on me that I will not be able to bear. And when the load is heavy, I cast it upon Him and he takes care of it, as He promised.

God Bless You and I will be remembering you in prayer,
Ann