I have a happy marriage and wonderful husband of thirty years. I came to this forum over a year ago because a good friend and coworker was having and EA (and eventually and briefly PA) and I wanted to get some ideas to help her realize what a mistake she was making. In spite of IC, MC, this mother of four is now talking to a lawyer about divorce.

At this point it seems evident to me that the patterns of behavior that lead to her affair in the first place may be very different than the patterns that are maintaining it now. Is this possible?

It seems that there is a high level of arousal and an obsessive pre-occupation involved in her inability to end the affair even when confronted with negative or devastating personal and social consequences that are involving a great deal of guilt, confusion, anxiety, and pain.

Can anyone help me understand these affair "maintaining factors" in more detail? If you have experienced anything like this—can you tell me what it feels like and why you would feel this way?

IMO addiction *is* the primary maintaining factor.

WSs behave like addicts...the behavior that you describe is not remotely out of the ordinary...in fact it is rather sadly predictable and formulaic.

Exactly. If you liken her to a heroin addict, you will understand your friend completely.

I've read here about this IMO addiction. What I am seeing is more complex.

pieta, in what way? What you described above, perfectly describes the experience of a substance addict:


This fits the addict's experience to a T.

I don't know. That is what I was hoping to learn. As time passes and this thing unfolds it seems to me that this WW gets more of a "high" from that power that she has over her husband than the A. She says 'jump' and her H basically says, "how high?"

I think she is enjoying the idea that having this other relationship somehow put her in a position where her feelings for her H became a lot less intense.

I know she didn't go looking for this other relationship. It just evolved. I actually watched this happen. I don't think she is really interested in this OM. But the rush, the pleasure, the affirmation she got from the EA has given her hope of finding it with someone else at some point after she figures out a way to legally detach herself from her husband.

I say to her, "You can get this from your husband. Do it for your kids." But I think she has convinced herself that it is not possible with him for some reason.

I think she is afraid to 'invest' herself in him again. He is a hardworking family man. Educated, professional, no addictions, no abuse. So it is not like she is running away from something really awfull. I believe what she perceived as "criticism" began the negative spiral that ruined the R.

pieta,

At this point it seems evident to me that the patterns of behavior that lead to her affair in the first place may be very different than the patterns that are maintaining it now. Is this possible?

It IS possible. How long has the affair been ongoing? From a biochemical standpoint....the hormones and chemicals that feed affairs do change once "attraction" becomes "attachment" but from what you've described your friend is VERY much still in the attachment phase of romance....call it infatuation...or whatever....but the this phase is all about the reward system of the brain....drugs trigger the same reward system and that's why it mirrors addiction.

It seems that there is a high level of arousal

The high level of arousal is created by the powerful stimulants released from the reward system of the brain. Dopamine and norephenphrine are the same chemical released by crack cocaine....they make your heart race, your palms sweat. They create higher levels of testosterone which fuels lust.

and an obsessive pre-occupation

The other thing that marks this phase is low levels of serotonin. You know who else has low levels of serotonin? People with "obsessive compulsion". She may actually respond to an anti depressant that increases serotonin levels.

involved in her inability to end the affair even when confronted with negative or devastating personal and social consequences that are involving a great deal of guilt, confusion, anxiety, and pain.

Okay....THIS is CLASSIC addiction....it's what DEFINES addiction and this is precisely why therapists are now describing affair dynamics as an addiction. If you read this article....this temporary state actually mirrors mental illness as well as addiction:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/hottopics/love/

According to Helen Fisher, who did the research involved....there are other factors that also fuel this attraction stage: special meaning, focussed attention, aggrandizing, intrusive thinking, emotional fire, intense energy, mood swings, yearning for emotional union, changing priorities, dependence, empathy and adversity. Read the book "Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love"...it's a real eye opener.


Can anyone help me understand these affair "maintaining factors" in more detail? If you have experienced anything like this—can you tell me what it feels like and why you would feel this way?

pieta....when you're experiencing this....is just seems like "love"...irresistible and powerful attraction that draws you like a moth to a flame. You know the flame will burn you....but you can't resist it's powerful draw.

Pieta,

Does her H know about the affair? If not why not? I suspect you have been given the major portion of this. But what you are suggesting is that her "perspective" about her life, her family, and her H are messed up. The affair will do this, but what is often seen here is that the perspective was messed up earlier.

You have no doubt read of posters who have tried to be a good spouse, but for some reason the WS does not accept it. H can tell she looks beautiful, but it doesn't count. Some stranger can leer at her, and she thinks this is the greatest compliment ever. It may also be family of origins issues as well.

If she is from a broken home or was abused, her perspective will be off. That is often seen here.

So if you add the addictive nature of the affair, the "power" trip you feel she may be on, and her personal issues, you do get a complex set of behavior patterns.

I would strongly suggest that if her H does NOT know of the affair that he be told. It is probably his ONLY chance to save his family and his marriage.

I would be interested in your thoughts about her FOO issues or other issues she may have brought to the table in this marriage.

God Bless,

JL