A faithful friend told me you were a good source of encouragement and wisdom. I tried to find your story and found lots of posts but mostly where dealing with other topics.

I think my h had an ltr affair 16+ years. On my d-day, a little over a year ago, both my h and the OW allege she was no more than a ONS. He confessed this ONS a year after it happened but left out the fact the woman claimed her child was his. I was told the woman said come see the child and I will not tell your w. So he did, and then guess what.....6 years later there is another alleged OC. OW refused then and will not allow a DNA test. I did not find out about these children or the fact that my h had secretly visited "the children" for years until the children were 15 & 9 years old. To date, I have not been permitted to meet either child.

My h and I have a COM that is 14 years old. And my h has a d with his ex-w that is married and almost 23 years old and lives in another state.

Our children feel betrayed also.

Please give me any words of wisdom, you may have.

I was not a Christian when I meet my h, but I was saved when I was 4 months pregnant with our d.

Thanks in advance

God Bless You
Ann

I welcome any words of wisdome from anyone here actually and just realized the way my post read it may be interpreted I only wanted to hear from 2long.

Actually, I would love to hear from anyone who has dealt with a ltr affair.

Not that the pain from a ONS is any less.

2 get more responses

go to your first post

hit "edit"

and you can change the title of this thread to something like:

~need help with long term affair~

I don't think 2Long is available to respond

Pep

ok thanks

First off... decide if you really want to remain in this M.
If you do, insist on NC with the OW. Read all about that on this site.
Work out a way for you BOTH to have a relationship with the children that allows for NC to remain in effect.
Tell your H that you want the truth. Since he has lied to you for so many years... there is going to be a lot to learn about the A. You have the right, IMHO, to have him submit to a polygraph exam since he has shown himself to be such a good liar.
A post nuptual agreement is certainly in order too.
It sounds as though your H has been living a completely "other" life. It is time for transparency and for him to begin to make amends.
I would also suggest that you immediately call the Harley's for a road map for your recovery.
I am sorry you are having to deal with this mess.

Thanks

Yes, if there is true repentence. If there isnt any there is any more A, No, I will walk away.
It has been over a year since my d-day and I set the nc boundary since day one. First few months, I didnt commit to anything other than allowing my h to stay in our home---until I decided what I was going to do--if and only if--nc with OW and all child visits were in public or somewhere other than OW's home & all child visits were scheduled in consideration of our 14 y o d. He broke the NC boundary once, and I said move out, firmly. He didnt leave. He stopped all calls to the house and the OW continued to call him at work. I asked do I have to go to a judge to have you physically removed if this c continues. He said what was he supposed to do if she called him at work. I said politely say I am busy, I will call you back from home this evening----in my presence of course. Then at 4 months, he told her I am his w and she can no longer seperate the 2, I now know and it will be different. Since then I am pretty sure there has been nc with the OW.


I have allowed c with the children because they are also innocent injured parties in this mess. The now 16 y o girl has an attitude and her behavior has caused a disruption in our m, I set another boundary---no pysical visits excluding the family--our d and I anymore---I had given a year and no change--in fact more disrespectful behavior out of the 16 y o.


I know I dont have the full truth and I have read that it will come out in bits and pieces over time. I think when I meet the children and they begin to be integrated into our family a lot of the truth will come out then and that may be why my h is using the excuse that he doesnt want to fight with the OW over seeing the kids. She of course, is a nutcase, and demands that I never meet them or my h will never see them again. No DNA, he is not the legal father, so w/o taking her to court she can do whatever she wants and he has already said he would rather not see them at all then go to court and experience that again. I dont want to go to court either and am willing to accept these children into our family without DNA since regardless of the results they have been allowed to believe their entire lives he is their father. So it is a little too late to back out for him now.


I know and I truly thought what in the world was wrong with me and how in the world could I not know. One main reason is that he was home every night and my ILs conspired with him. It was tradition that we always went to their home 1 hour away, every Sunday. About 9 years into our m, in order to keep the peace I stopped going that often because of the comments my MIL would make and she would always try to start a conflict. Little did I know instead of keeping the peace he felt pushed away and I think that is when he renewed PA with the harlot, and for years his visits to her home have been when he was either supposed to be at his parents or out somewhere with his father.

It wasn't so much that he is a good liar, but that I trusted too easily and too much and I once our d was born she was my main focus. I still was a good wife, cook, clean, provide sexual fulfillment, but I did stop being his recreational companion, and we did drift apart emotionally.


Now may be the time for that. I have been to IC, our 14 yo d has been to IC, my h and I MC, several times, and family counseling--all 3 of us a couple of times too.

My h has changed but he is still taking the position of conflict avoidance and things erroneously this will all go away with time.

I am just now at the point that I feel that I have recovered enough that I can establish more boundaries in regard to my step-c.

I can never ask nc with the children because that isnt who I am. However, I am about to say before there is anymore physical c with the 10 y o boy, he will at least be told about me and within the near future we must at a minimum meet in a public setting as the first step to family integration.

The girl, well she is 16, and I will respect her decision if she does not want to meet me, but what I will not tolerate is any attempt by her or anyone, intentionally or unintentionally, to further harm my family.

H says his family is his w--me, and 4 children. My position is then my family is my h and our 4 children.

How is the best way to lay down the boundaries and see to it that he backs up his words with actions, that I do not know.

Thanks for your support and encouragement.

well, in all honesty, when you do not insist on DNA ... you are conflict-avoiding yourownself ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

let me ask you something ... has your H been paying some amount of non-court-ordered child support all these years???

how much $$$ do you estimate has gone out of the family home un-noticed by you?

ADVICE:

make DNA a boundary issue

no DNA = no child support

insist your children's finances will NOT be looted by some OW who "says" your H is the father

your children deserve DNA proof if they are going to be exposed to such a disturbing situation

get DNA for YOUR kid's welfare

$1 says the older OC is your H's, but not the younger ...

good luck

Pep

Have you read this link

[color:"blue"] JOSEPH'S LETTER [/color]

You know, in all community property states it is illegal for one spouse to transfer any marital assets out of the marriage without the other spouse’s consent.

You might consider going after any and all $ WS gave to OW. In fact, claim some figure and let her formally counter.

DNA confirmation or not.

Legally instituted CS can then be decided as required.

With prayers,

PS: Tell your atty he can keep anything he recovers. Turns them into pit bulls.

WB - there is a thread on the Recovery Board by PW1 called "Recovery from LTAs which I have bumped up for you. I haven't read it all personally but perhaps somebody there is going through something similar.

Good luck. TT

holycrap !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Pep

I'm available, but it doesn't look like anything I could offer much help with.

-ol' 2long

Agreed, and not to sound petty, but I have worked hard and have been the primary breadwinner of our family all except the first 5 years of our marriage. I am seeking some legal advice to move some real estate assets into trusts for our 14 yo d (COM) and our 22 y o (my step-d...h's from 1st m, always treated as my own, since she was 2). My h says he never intended to leave anything to these children but people say a lot of things and I just think it would add insult to injury if our marital assets that we have openly toward our 2 d have been willed to them already would ever for any reason not ended up going to them. So I am taking legal measures now. Any assets we acquire since d-day will be another thing. I did buy a house, and it is in my name only because it is our primary residence now and if we d, that is where our d and I will live and my h will leave. In our state, OW can only go back for 3 years of cs since she has known where my h has lived the whole time. Without DNA, there is no inheritance rights. My h has said that they would not take anything of ours, but already the 16 y o girl has asked for my h to give her the antique car that has already been given to our d. I know the girl is only 16 but in effect any dime ever given has been 1/2 marital assets. So OK, it isnt out of the goodness of my heart completely that I havent pushed for DNA, I will admit it, I have some ducks to line up before that. And my h has visited these children in "secret" for years, he says with no routine or pattern but none the less, 16 years and 10 years, a little too late to back out now, I think. I welcome these children into my family because I can seperate the child from the mother. And even if DNA would prove they are not my h's, how will that solve anything. The problem is my h's betrayal, not the children. His betrayal first with the adultery and then second with his deceit and concealment and "secret" visits for years.


Ok they both claim that he has only given money for b-day and Christmas gifts every year and only gave around $300 for school clothes the last several years before d-day. I dont believe that nor do I believe the 2 ONS story either, the first I can believe, the second I cant.


Of my income, zero. Of his income, I dont know. After 5 years into the marriage, my income was used to pay all the bills and my h's was for vacation, private school for our d, luxuries, and I truly did not care. So the OW has not receive a literal dime from my income, but by the same token, he has still diverted marital assets and taken money from me, in that if he were supporting our family, there would not be as much money left for him to give her from his income. And his income as well as mine is still marital assets. I think he started giving her more in 2001 because that is the first I noticed that he didnt have as much for vacation and extras.


I appreciate your advice. While I know you cannot go on looks alone, there is a strong family resemblence in the 10 year old boy and my h's brother. The 16 y o girl, I see no resemblence, and as in my d and my 22 y o step-d, the girl looks just like her mother. My h insisted that he isnt paying her under the table and I think at least since Feb 06 this is probably true based on some other things. I no longer pay all the bills. Since 2 months after d-day my h is required to pay a portion of household living expenses. No more than he would be required to pay to live on his own, but I can no longer NOT require him to support himself. He does still pay for extras for our d in addition to the basic bills I now require him to pay. My h is self-employed, in business with my FIL, and I would not be suprised if FIL isnt paying the OW out of "company funds" that somehow never reach my h's pay. Too much of a cash business to be able to verify or stop under the table payments.

I wish the OW or my h would take this to court and set court ordered cs and visitation, if either do it will guarantee a paternity test in this county given the circumstances.


I agree all children, the OC especially, are entitled to DNA based on the OW and my h's track record with dishonesty and deceit.


$100 that if one doesnt belong to my h, it is the older one, not the younger one, and boy would that not put a very bitter taste for the OW in my h's mouth if it turned out that way, he allowed her to set him up when the 1st wasnt even his. She denied DNA when he said he asked with the 1st one because according to him...."she said it had to be his because of the date". Bear in mind this woman herself claims there never was a r, that she was a ONS, my h broke it off when I found the number, a couple of weeks later, and she only came back to tell him the child was his months later when she found out she was pregnant.....

Regardless of what either say, I think the OW deliberately got pregnant with the 2nd one. You don't need to tell me of what a fool my h has been, lol.

And I often feel like a fool myself nowadays, lol.

Thanks again.

God Bless You
Ann

Thanks Mr. Wonderful and yes I have read the letter. I havent yet given it to my h, but I fully plan to in the near future during a mc session. It is a great letter and gives a wonderful word picture.

Thanks

God Bless You
Ann

Aph

Thanks, anything given to her was no doubt cash and impossible to prove. I did already calculate she owes me $10,000 (the cost of IVF--I had my tubes tied partially because my h only wanted to have one--and I have always felt I have two--and I have always worked FT) for each child and probably another $10,000 that I paid for my new house that I wouldnt have included in the offer if it had not been for my d-day trauma, lol.

thanks tt, been there, read it

2long

I think you have a lot to offer, Faithful told me you have a wonderful outlook and I would love to hear on how you have been able to recover or work toward recovery, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God Bless You
Ann

Since your H and OW both have a long history of being liars...neither of them is a viable source of info on...er...anything.

If one of them told me the sky was blue I would be dubious.

So..my first suggestion is to find a method to gather info that doesn't require honesty from either of them.

I agree, do you have any suggestions?