Hi All - haven't been here in awhile. A little update on my sitch - WH seems to be out of the fog, NC since 8/22/06, had a wonderful vacation together...attempting some recovery.
So, my subject. How to handle 'friends' who are telling me things like 'you are so blind' 'you deserve better' 'everyone is talking about how stupid you are' when attempting to explain why you have decided to work on your M and not get a D. This friend in particular introduced H and I years ago and now says how sorry she is that she did.
How do you handle this??

Thanks
M

Give em all a copy of "Surviving An Affair"
Then tell them your not working on your marriage, your dating a new man and starting a new marriage.
After all he is a new man, right?

Good Luck to you and congratulations on getting ww husband back.

JS

Thanks, JS! That's a great suggestion. I just get so angry at that type of response from people...who judge so harshly and have never been in a situation like this. I think to how I would react if a friend of mine were dealing with this (and yes, even if it was A #2) and I would certainly never tell them how stupid they were. Sheesh. Maybe it's time to look for some new friends to go with the new marriage!

I like to have fun with people so if it were me, I would make up some crazy story that was so long and so confusing that the naysayers would be sorry they asked.
I would make up all kinds of crap to convince them I was totally nuts.....then you get NEW friends.
Thats just me though.

Don't try to rationalise your desicions with other people who don't know about affairs: IE: how they start etc.
The only person you need to please is yourself (and your husband) and if your happy than great.

Just another thought in my wacked out brain.

JS

I suggest that you evaluate whether or not this are true friends to your M...I have something in my sitch that caused me to stop being friends with the P across the street...

She was not a friend to my M and I haave a tough decision to make...finally decising that it was best not to associate with them. My M is much healthier, I think, without the added pressure.

I don't know what's really going on but I'm just suggesting that you look at that, perhaps even say "if you are not going to be a friend to my M, perhaps I'm better off with you as a friend." Or something alongs those lines.

Just my 2 cents! Wishing you the best!

That's kind of where i am at, Rinderella - are these really friends anyway?
Funny thing too, that the naysayers are all either not married or married but never dealt with an A...so what gives them the right to call ME stupid?? Grrrr.
I suppose all I can do is continue to work on my M and as it succeeds, they will see that.

I can tell you that it was not an easy decision. I was in fact hearing things like I would have left him the moment I found out. What they seem not to realize is that it's your life, your decision, what YOU think is best for YOU?

You have history with this man, and I don't like to use the work mistake for an A, perhap a bad choice would be best. But from time to time we may bad choices, and I strongly feel that it's what we learn and how we grow from those bad choices that matter.

I few years from now, I'm sure I will be able to look back and say that I have a strong bond with my FWH because we were able to make it through this.

See my HN (Horrible neighbor) was messy, in my eyes, she was not a friend to my M, and I feel that he had some feelings for my H. I feel like she was trying to pull us apart, althought she was "claiming trying to help."

She came over, spoke her piece, would NOT hear what I had to say, disrespected me in my own home, so I booted her out. I felt that she didn't face me as a friend that day but an enemie, and like your title...who needs them?

I have faith that you will make the right decision...however difficult it maybe.

MPELE - Their response is very normal and typical for someone who has never had to face the reality of infidelity in THEIR life. For many of us, we also made statements, at one time, along the lines of "if you ever cheat on me, I'm outta here!" Then reality hits and we have to choose HOW we will actually respond.

Why not ask them how they feel about their own marriage vows. Everything is fairly simple when it's always the "good" part of the marriage vows, i.e, healthy, wealthy, better, etc. But what about the other half of the vows? "For better OR for worse, for richer OR for poorer, in sickness(mental or physical) and in health, until death do us part."

Help them to think about the REALITY of marriage, not just the "fanasty" and "fun," but the really hard work, forgiveness, love in spite of "bad things," etc.

You don't have to "defend" your choices. Your choices are YOURS. But perhaps they might gain some understanding by thinking about their own vows and whether or not they really meant them.

God bless.

P.S., You DO deserve better. And it would seem that your husband thinks so too as he has ended his affair and is attempting to recover a better, more loving, marriage with you.

Our friends celebrated our recovery ....

meet new people

Pep

Great advice, all of you! It is interesting the 'true colors' that can come from people when you are going thru a traumatic time such as this.
One of my best friends claims that she cannot deal with this because she would have to defend me from others saying i was stupid for staying with H...and that she can't defend me b/c she is beginning to agree with them. Nice 'friend'. And when did I ever ask her to defend me?! Why would she have to?? Why is my M everyone elses business?

I guess I just get worked up about the thought of being talked about by people who don't have a clue as to what was going on in our M. And that some of them who DO know still see it as such a black and white issue..as one said to me - 'he cheated - what else is there to say?' Well, alot, actually!

An interesting note though, the friend who 'can't defend me' - - H and I were out this past weekend having lunch and this friends H happened to be at the same place (the four of us have been friends for years)... he sat down with us for an hour, had a couple beers, was nice as could be... after he left and H and I looked at eachother and said "she hasn't told him anything'...this 'friend' who is being so awful to me is hiding this from her own H. Hm, kind of telling if you ask me.

MPELE,

Remeber until it actually happens to you, you don't really know how you will react to an A in your life. Most of my friends would have bet the farm that my FWW would be kicked to the curb by now. The few that know understand why I have fought so hard for our M. A few that have guessed and are about 50-50, stay and fight or kick her to the curb. You and your S are the only ones who know and knew the right thing for both of you. New friends might be in order though and only friends to the M.

I agree with Eagle. It's been a hard lesson to learn for me.

Ok another dumb idea......by the way, I don't expect you to use any of these......it's just the way I am.

Tell them that it's now your life goal to keep him around and see to it that the rest of his life is a living He!!
LOL
These people are so "uneducated" [read dumb] re. affairs that nothing you can say will matter anyway.

Best to get new friends as others here have advised.

JS

P.S. I only hope that someday I'm explaining this to my friends, if my ww comes back to the marriage.
Then we'll see who our true friends are. Many have told me to through her to the curb but i have unfinished business with that little ww lady.

JS - thanks, i like the last idea the best, and believe me it is tempting to tell them all that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hope your WW comes back to the M; as difficult as recovery is and has been for my H and I, i truly believe it will be worth it in the end. I am a child of D, and that experience messed me up so badly...i carry the scars even now. i am going to work on this M so that my DD never has to go through that. I see you have kids and hope you and WW can work this out...

MPELE...

I warn you this could be viewed as a bit twisted and morose, but it is along the same vein as what JSLost is telling you, and might leave the naysayers with their mouths agape, while conveying the message, "mind your own business"...Anyway it is a spin off of what I tell people when they ask me why I moved from Atlanta to Detroit...Tell them that you found out that you only have 6 months to live and you figured it would seem longer if you stayed married! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Evil, but shocking and funny...at least to Mr. W and I...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Hugs to you! Ignore them, live your life and find friends that are friends to your marriage...Only those are TRUE friends anyway!

Mrs. W