I say before and "during" Plan A because I realize (now) that I'm only in the beginning of Plan A. A true Plan A takes months if not longer, and like a recovering alcoholic, you're always "recovering" and your always "Plan Aing".

I will post a link to photos from before Plan A and "during". I will post them on or about October 1.

My weight was a HUGE problem in my life and in my marriage. It's very important that I continue to realize this and not "fall off the wagon" like I've done so many times. I understand my wife's feelings with this, because, although it may sound shallow, there's alot of baggage that goes along with being fat. Alot of mental issues that harm your self esteem and how you engage in sexual, emotional, and intimate relationships.

I look forward to your reactions...

Hear hear!

I love it when positive stuff gets posted. So how much weight are you going to lose "responsibly" before Oct 1st?

I hope keep up that attitude, its for yourself as much as it is others!

Well, on July 17 when I was told that she wanted a divorce, I was 294. Today, I'm 255. I'd like to be at 250 by October 1st.

WaltW,

You said
I think you will come to realize that if you don't have pride in yourself, then it is hard for other people to have pride in you. There is a need listed by Harley, that has been the cause of huge arguements on this site for years.

It is the need for an attractive spouse. I am sort of chuckling about this only because whenever a woman posts about this because she has "lost her figure" there is a huge cry about how shallow men are that have this need of their W.

I notice that there has been no such huge cry out about your W's having this need. Interesting isn't it?

But, the reality is that this need is real. It goes much deeper than most realize. Let's start with how people choose mates. One of them is based on preceived health. Makes sense doesn't it? We want our off spring well taken care of and healthy and having a spouse that is NOT healthy is not attractive. There is the pride factor. While I did not choose my W because of her beauty, I am proud to be married to her for many reasons including that she takes care of herself. There are many reasons why you should be taking your weight very seriously.

You know of course that your own self-image is not good, and as it improves so will your self-image, and it WILL affect how you relate to people and how they relate to you. But, more importantly you don't want to suffer the diseases that are associated with being very overweight,such a diabetes, and yes heart disease.

Although you may not be aware of this most morbidly overweight people do not die of heart failure. They die of complications of diabetes such as gangrene and infections associated with limbs being amputated. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Not a pretty thought.

I don't know your age nor your height, but even 250 is probably more than you should weight. What is your goal? And what time frame do you have in mind for reaching it? Were you an athlete and heavily muscled? If so, then perhaps 250 is not so bad. But, do this for you, not your W. Make this something you truly want to do.

If this is the motivator for you to have undertaken this transformation, all that you are going through has a silver lining.

Best of luck on recovering your marriage, and continuing with your plan to lose your weight.

God Bless,

JL

JL, you have read my mind. When I read about the need for an "Attractive Spouse", my jaw dropped. I never saw it in black and white and this is a HUUUUGE need of my wife's.

My wife is literally the most beautiful woman I have ever known. When I see other women I find very attractive, my friends always point out that they look like my wife.

She actually said to me the other night that she was thinking "if he's not going to lose the weight, then this is how it's going to have to be", meaning that she's going to be with people she finds attractive to fill the need for an attractive mate and sexual fulfillment.

When we really get into a conversation, it suddly goes back to my "old" appearance. What she tolerated for so long. Plus the fact that I always talked about losing the weight, but never did. It took this for me to get my act together.

My highest was 365 and I was VERY big... maybe not as big as your picturing, but still unattractive even to myself.

I'm a very muscular guy. Always liked weight lifting. I'm 6'3" tall and very broad shouldered. I carry 250 really well, but know that 235 or even 225 would be a great... no, make that FANTASTIC weight for me.

Since making this transformation, I've got my daughter on a food plan and exercise. She's really enjoying how she feels and she's slowly losing some extra pounds. She's not fat by a long shot, but showing the signs of bad eating habits and just started to get "chunky".

The funny thing is, my wife says during MC that she resents the changes I'm making now. I thought that was very interesting. I think she's thinking that maybe there was a better way for her to go about all this without having an affair.

If I got down to 235 I would look dam hot! No doubt about it. As I said, I'm very muscular, so my physique is really starting to stand out. I feel good walking into a room and see people "check me out".

I understand the silver-lining and recognize that it's there. I only hope my wife can get past the images of me in yester-year and feel good about me today.

She has told me in the past that she didn't take me to company parties and on other events claiming its only for employees or it's just the girls because she was embarrassed about my appearance. That hurt, but I know her and understand how she felt. Although the actions hurt, I'm trying to look at her feelings that made her act that way. Yes, it is shallow, but that's how she is. She can fake it all she wants, but if that need exists, then I MUST give it to her for this to work.

I love her and want to tell her all this, but frankly she's tired of hearing it and I don't blame her. I need to speak through my actions with no expectation for something in return. I need to lose 20 more pounds in a healthy way... plain and simple.

Thanks for your insight and understanding.

WaltW,

Ok, a piece of advice. Stay the heck away from that idiocy called the Body Mass Indes, BMI. It is the most stupid piece of data ever concocted perpetrated on human beings. Given what you have said I would think 225-230 would be a good weight for your height. Go for it, and get back in the weight room, but also do cardio work.

The BMI thing is just looney. IF you have played sports and lifted weights you will find that by the BMI that you are obese when in fact your body fat may be 4% or less. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> It was and is a stupid measure of the human condition.

I have a son who is 6' 6" inches tall and played college football. At 275, he could not float in a pool. He just sank to the bottom. By BMI he was obese. He is done playing football, doesn't lift everyday, and is down to 240. He looks "thin". I am sensitive to this because when I was young (a long time ago <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ) I played college football and was 6' 4" 240. I had a 34 inch waist, and the docs would tell me I needed to lose 30 pounds. It was stupid.

So let your mirror and your comfort level be your guide. But, do it for yourself. Your W may or may not come around. IT depends on how strong her need to be "right" is. If it is strong, she will NOT ever admit she was wrong and no matter what you do now, she will always focus on the past.

Her lack of regret for what she did may change or it may not, it depends on how her life goes. So take good care of yourself, and your daughter. It is all you can do.

While I have some issues with Dr. Phil, one thing I do agree with him about, over eating is not about hunger, or the need for food. It is about internal issues and I think you would be well advised to address those internal issues, so that food does not become your crutch ever again.

You may not realize this yet, but this site is not solely about rebuilding marriages. It is about getting through this mess in the best possible way. Sure rebuilding the marriage is the best outcome, but another outcome that is actually not bad is for the marriage to end, and YOU knowing you did all you could, and come out of it a better man for the effort to save it. That is why plan B is often a good thing even if the marriage ultimately fails. It allows the BS time to get themselves together, address their own issues, and still give the marriage its best shot at survival by preserving love for as long as possible.

Hang in there, keep working on the weight, but do see if you can understand why you turned to food as you did.

God Bless,

JL

Oh, I'm SOOO with you on the BMI crap. Being an athletic, even as a fat guy, helps you know what weight is good, etc.

Thanks for the great input...

I'm putting specific goals in writing so that I'm accountable for them.

My weight loss goals:

Current: 256
October 1: 249.9 (want to be under 250)
October 31: 239.9 (want to be under 240)
Thanksgiving: 235
Christmas: 225 (ultimate goal!)

What a great Christmas gift to myself.

I will do it safely, intelligently, and most important... PERMANENTLY.

Go Walt!
When I felt I needed to lose weight I went through Weight Watchers Online. Really worked well for me since I could just eat what I wanted and work out or run as needed to get even better results. Sounds like you are doing great though! Keep at it!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Having a food plan developed for me was the best thing I did. I'm starting double sessions again today. Treadmill in the AM and lifting and treadmill in the PM. I feel like I'm ready for another big PUSH...

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Weight Watchers is a great program, too!

Walt,

Sometimes it is the perception of yourself that leads others to perceive you the same way.

I am vertically challenged. When I met my FWW I was about 155-160. I took a steady climb to almost 200 lbs.

I thought I was the greatest thing since sliced bread even with the exta weight.

I am now between 145 and 150 which is my perfect weight for my frame.

It took me 4-5 months to lose the weight and I am ever vigilent to keep it off.

We met a couple and they came over one time and saw an old family photo. I was probably 175-180 in that picture. They never said anything. Then one day my FWW told them I lost a lot of weight and they were like yeah we didn't ever recognize him in that picture.

I don't think my FWW had the A because of it though because she had the A after I lost the weight.

Now for your FWW's perception I would say it is somewhat shallow. I don't want to be mean and I can understand her point of view. But it doesn't give her the right to have an A.

She had two choices stay or go is she didn't like it. Ask you to change and if you don't then she can leave.

I am sorry but I have expressed to my FWW on so many occasions I want more SF. So far it hasn't happened. That does not give me the right to have an A. It does give me the right to get a D then go get it where I want it. No in between on that one.

Good luck on the big push.

Drink Lots of Water. Find what I call filler foods. For me it was cucumber, tomato, and onion in balsamic viniger. No oil. I could eat a whole bowl of that and it had very little calories. Wait 15 minutes before I eat and I ate what I wanted but I was pretty full. Same thing for snacks filler foods. Filled my belly but very littel calories.

One other note make sure you try to do calorie boost periods. I noticed I would hit a certain weight and get stuck. My body got used to the calories I was giving it. For a two day period I ate whatever I wanted so I could trick my body into thinking it was going to get more calories. Then back to the diet. I usually put on 2-3 pounds during those days but then dropped it and more because I bumped up my metabolism.

hurtingless, thanks for the response.

I've given it alot of thought before admitting to this need of my wife's.

YES it is shallow, NO it did not give her any good excuse to cheat... but if that's the way she feels, that's the way she feels. I can argue with her on it, but the feelings won't change. I'm sure this is the toughest one for people to swallow... it was for me.

Along with being in better shape and looking and smelling better comes a great sense of confidence and self esteem, which I lacked BIG TIME because even I hated the way I looked. It led to alot of problems in our marriage for sure.

It's coming off now, and I can only hope and pray my wife can see me differently than she has for the past several years. If I argue with her about it, she'll just argue back or not speak about it... but the feelings are still there.

If you read my other thread linked in my sig, you'll read about a conversation I had with my wife today where I think we actually understood each other better.

I told her that the only way for me to respond to the things she's telling me about how she felt about me is to work hard on myself. it's my only option and either way, I win.

This could be discussed for hours I'm sure and I'd love to hear other people's opinions on it.

Walt

I did read your other thread. Right after this one.

I understand what you are saying. I am not disagreeing with it. I actually applaud you for taking your FWW's need for an attractive spouse to heart and doing something about it.

You cannot only hope and pray your wife see you differently. She should be actively involved in that. You look great walt. I see the difference and the amount of time and effort you are putting into this. In doing so you are putting time and effort into filling her need!!!!! Good for you.

My sniff test is like this. If my FWW said she had her A because she didn't have an attractive spouse would she feel ok if I did the same? Of course the answer would be NO!

As a matter of fact I would be bashed like someone else said here. HL you are a shallow person. Your W had two children...... what do you expect.

Again she feels that way but do not buy into or validate her justifications. Yes I gained the weight, yes I can see you had a need for an attractive spouse. Validate and empathize. However you do need to make it clear that you do not believe she should have had the A.

I might also say that if one day you were to gain weight would you be accepting of me going outside the M?

I gained my weight because I became very sedintary. Really much of it had to do with not having time to take care of myself.

You have a good attitude that either way you win.

So keep your attitude that you are a winner!!!

I see what you're saying. Thanks.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR UNFAITHFULNESS.

I keep repeating to her that I know I contributed to the vulnerability, that's where it ends for me.

My weight issue didn't just contribute to my physical appearance... it's the whole package. It had a huge effect on how I acted and sometimes even pushing her away when she wanted to be close because I HATED the way I looked.

She not only wanted someone physically attractive to her, she wanted someone who was physically attractive TO THEMSELF.

Sounds vane, but after opening my mind to it... it makes more sense.

Still no excuse, but I'm doing my best to learn and change.

By the way, I will hit my first goal without a problem... getting close already.

I'm excited about my future...

Took a sneak peak at my weight on Saturday morning...

251.5!!!

That's only 1.5 pounds to lose over the next week. I can DO THAT!!!

I'm healthier than I've ever been. Clothes that I bought to replace ones that were too big are not...TOO BIG AGAIN!!!

I'm now fitting in XL very comfortably, but have bought some Larges to have to try on occassionally as I drop the last 20 +/- pounds.

I actually got on and buttoned 34 waist jeans. They were WAAAYYY tight on me of course, but just to compare, I was at a 48" waist at my worst!!!

It's great not being recognized by people I haven't seen in a while...

More to follow...

Walt,

Funny I find people that can lose weight like that are goal oriented.

You have a goal for losing weight. You have chosen a weight that you want to get too and you have a plan on getting there.

Does your FWW know your plan for your M? Is she sharing that common goal? Besides the weight which at this point has been a EN for the FWW are there any other ones you could be working on as well?

Losing the weight seems to be going well. Good for you!!!!

Maybe you can try to find some other needs of the FWW's to fill as well.

I know you will!!

Again good for you.

Funny you should ask...

As a result of losing quite a bit of weight, it's made me realize the far reaching effects on other parts of my life.

Not sure what need this falls under, but I feel more motivated to take care of the lawn, weedwack, and blow the driveway off afterward... something my wife has ALWAYS wanted me to do, but I never really made it a priority. I also feel more comfortable around her family and like the way I look at family functions... another long term problem with us. Maybe I always felt like her family, friends, etc. always looked at me and thought she could do better. (Now, I wonder if they look at me and say the same thing about her!)

The ripple effect is far reaching. I've always been a friendly, outgoing person, but always had my appearance (especially my weight) in the back of my mind dragging me down. Since losing so much, I feel closer to people in my life... probably because I feel happier with myself. (Make sense?)

I've always liked listening to people and getting in their heads to see what makes them tick. I also like helping people when I can... going out of my way with no expectation for anything in return. I got away from that when I got so FAT.

I feel generally closer with my brother. I enjoy church more. I look forward to family and public events. I like to choose flattering clothing. I like to wear cologne (something the wife has ALWAYS wanted me to do). I fix things around the house more quickly and thoroughly. I keep the garage clean. I smile more. I touch people more and like being affectionately touched during a conversation. (My wife wanted public displays of affection, but I always pushed her away saying it wasn't "appropriate" when in reality, I didn't want to draw the attention to myself).

I know she's struggling. She cried last night saying that she wanted it to work out, but didn't know how... she's VERY hormonal right now... PMS. She gets it BAD!!!

She called me last night to pick her up some ice cream at Dairy Queen on my way home. She asked me in that meek little voice that she used to use with me all the time when she wasn't feeling well and needed a "pick me up". I got it for her (and didn't have ONE BITE!) She thanked me, but that was it.

Yesterday I caught her checking me out when I was leaving to pick up my son from her brother's house. I liked it...

Walt,

Good for you.


Yes it does. I find when I am comfortable with myself and happy with myself my whole attitude toward the outside world changes.

Keep doing what you are doing. My perception right now is you are scratching the surface, possibly putting in energy expecting a return you may not get. Not because she doesn't notice what you are doing etc. You may be guessing a little toward what she wants.

Let me put it this way. Our first MC said that sometimes we do things THINKING the other person wants them to or it is important. Lets say buying my FWW flowers. I think I am nice etc.... I think on a scale of one to ten buying flowers is a 5. She thinks it is a one. OOPS. She would rather me massage her feet and I get a ten. So now I decide to expend my energy on her feet instead of running around getting flowers. It is less energy doing her feet anyway and I get a bigger deposit in the LB. Imagine that. They always say work smart not hard.

That is why the EN questionair is important it identifies the needs that if you spend energy filling you will get bigger deposits in the Love Bank.

I hope that makes sense.

Makes perfect sense. I don't know if she's ready or willing to fill out the EN questionaire. But we have been open about what's important to us, and she freaked out when I cleaned the garage, blew the driveway off, etc. She said "it could be too little too late", which tells me that I'm hitting a cord somewhere.

Having the driveway sealed today. Something else she's been wanting me to do.

Glad it makes sense. LOL.

My FWW is/was the same. Rather let me poke around in the dark and try to figure it out. LOL.

While you have some momentum just tell her you want to be the best husband you can be but you need her help. The en quest. can be your road map to doing that.

Good luck and keep up the great work.