Hello all,
Well, I'll try to make this brief. My wife, of 4 years tomorrow, was recently involved in an affiar that lasted about 3 months. She has had no contact with him for about 4 weeks now although I found out about the relationship about 2 months ago. Since the day the affair was revealed things have been strange (of course). She hasnt once said that she loves me, she has yet to give any physical affection and for the most part she avoids any conversation about the issue or talk of steps in moving forward. I have been level headed and loving to her during this whole ordeal. For the most part we have functioned well, but we havent made any progress. Her last acknowledgement about the issue she stated to me that, "Physically things are over between them but that the emotional feelings are still strong" and that she has moments when she breaks down and cries because she doesn't know what to do. She has told me that she knows we will always been married and has made other remarks about being committed to our marriage but has yet to make that a strong statement.

Let me get to my questions. I have been reading a book by James Dobson called, "Love must be tough" which Dobson stresses confronting the affair firmly with love and following up by lifting the cage door on the wayward spouse and in essence letting them go to make their own decision. Much like Harley's Plan B - It made perfect sense in that my wife has had all the power up to this point. I have been appeasing to her and trying show her that I can get past this and even taking alot of blame for setting the table for this to happen. The result of those actions, to this point, has taken my wife off the hook. After giving this some thought I found a moment and basically confronted her be telling her that I wanted to own my mistakes but that she had to do the same if we were going to move forward. Also that if she wanted to leave she was free to go and that if this marriage was going to work it would only happen through mutual agreement, just as we did when we entered into marriage. Since then I went dark and have been reserved in talking to her and have slept in the guest bedroom for the past few nights. She has been very curious about the change in behavior and has even accused me of being mean. I dont want to come accross as being mean but I do want to be firm in my stance. So my question to the wise is: What are some other steps I can make to "lift the cage?" Is sleeping in the other room a good idea? Our 4th anniversary is tomorrow, how should I handle that?

Thanks for all your help [color:"black"] [/color]

Your wounds are so fresh and so little time has past since d-day, I dont know if there is any right answer to this.

If you beleive at this point you are still willing to reconcile, I would probably set the whole thing aside for a day and enjoy time together on your anniversary.

But you cant put it off forever and you it will have to be faced eventually.

Something that stuck with me from a book called "When Your Lover is A Liar"


1. You will survive this.
2. You are entitld to your feelings
3. You don't have to make any decision until you are ready.

Those are good things to remember for the long term, but you are wondering what to do in the short term, tommorrow.

Had the affair never happened, what would you have planned to do tommorrow? And in knowing how you have contributed to the health of the marriage in the past, what would you do differently?

Find the answers to those questions and just do it. Forgiveness is letting go of the compensation you deserve for a wrong. You are not there yet, it is too soon and her actions havent helped any either. But try, since you want to reconcile, to set everything aside for a day and celebtate your anniversary.

jonmc1,

I would ask my WW "I would like to celebrate the occasion of our wedding anniversary with you. If you do not want to celebrate with me, please tell me so that I can make other arrangements"

Tough Love is an EXCELLENT choice as an early book for your understanding of what has occurred. May I also recomend Surving an Affair and Dr Frank Pittman's Private Lies.

I'd like to ask if they work together? Has firm No Contact been established? Are you sure there has been NC for 4 weeks because I very much doubt it from your description of her behaviour.

jon, here is the big problem with detaching as you are doing. Right now one of your biggest problems is that your W is ALREADY detached. That is why she was able to get involved with another man. Certain needs were not being met at home and the OM attracted her by meeting those needs. This caused FURTHER detachment.

So, when you behave in a way that causes even more detachment, she reacts with some RELIEF [thank God I don't have to endure him anymore!] and some anger. She feels like you are punishing her. All of this serves to undermine your chances at interfering with the affair and attracting her back.

As she withdraws from the OM, provided the affair is REALLY OVER, she will draw TO YOU as long as you are a warm, inviting place. You are NOT warm and inviting and forgiving if you are sleeping apart and giving her the cold shoulder.

Instead, I would suggest that you work to OVERCOME this detachment that is destroying your marriage instead of enhancing the detachment. Show her, instead, that you CAN meet her needs and be an attractive marriage partner. In other words, GIVE HER SOME HOPE in the future of your marriage.

THEN, if she does continue her affair, your Plan B will have some REAL MEANING when you do detach because will have something TO MISS.

But, you must first make sure her affair is over and that ALL CONTACT [we mean ALL] is ended. Once that happens, you can begin a program of recovery that is patterned on the Four Rules of Protection, link attached: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

An update:
First of all thank you all for your help and advice.
Last night my wife and I talked. I just told her that we needed to draw some things out and discuss where we were at. She revealed to me a lot more details about her relationship with this other guy. She was very open and honest with me. She said she is trying to close the door in her mind with this guy, but is having a hard time doing so. In her words, "I am over him physically but not mentally/emotionally". She said they hadnt talked since the time she promised NC...ironically until yesterday. He happened to call her work to correct an issue with his account and she was the one to answer the phone (she works at a bank, where they met - she handeled his mortgage). She said that she deflected the call to another person. I told her again that the only demand I was going to make of her is that she could not have any contact with him. She still seems to believe that with time they could just be friends and that she is having a hard time being "mean" to him. Another revelation she made to me was that, "I wish he would just do something stupid or crazy so I could have something against him". Wow? Is this normal WS Fog?

Another bomb that was dropped was when she said that she "Hates Sex". That sex has been ingrained in her to be an ugly/evil thing since she was a child and her upbringing. This all came out after she assured me that she did not have sex with this OM. She has always seemed a little distant when it came to sex even though I always brought her to climax. Very rarely in our marriage did she initiate sex but I never knew her feelings about it until this revelation.

Any advice?

jonmc,



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Sorry to say but that statement put in the context of thousands of posts here on MB is almost always proven to be a lie