I haven't posted for a long time. In a nutshell, I am the WS. I had an A a long time ago and then had another one a couple of years ago. The one that was most recent lasted over a year and ended around October. My W found some information and then kept digging and found out most. I came clean with everything and we decided to reconcile. We went to counseling and there was NC with the OW.

I tried to change a lot about me but it never seemed to be enough. Then at the beginning of the year, my company started to suffer majorly and put additional stress on me and my time. I was angry a lot and it never felt like she was on my team. I always felt pressured and pushed and it was always feeling like it was "me against her". She told me some of her needs like praying together and I couldn't do it. I don't know if it was my relationship with God wasn't in check or I wasn't ready to do something as intimate as that with her. The bottom line was that I didn't do it.

Around April when I was angry with just about everything in my life, the OW called me to ask me about something business-related. The conversation started into personal things and we started on the telephone again. It felt good to talk to someone who was supportive. We saw each other twice (no SF). We used phone cards mainly because my W was checking my phone records. She would call me from her cell phone since she said her H didn't check records.

At the beginning of the summer, my dad had a stroke. It was very rough and even made me angrier and more flustered. My W was starting to make changes but it seemed that every other week she was threatening to file for D which pushed me away even further. About six weeks ago or so, I started opening my eyes and realized all the changes she had made. Before, it seemed that the kids were always a nuisance. Now, it seemed she loved her role as mother. Before, she was hard to approach because I always felt judged. Now, it felt like I could talk to her about things that were bothering me more. It was mostly to do with her changes she had made in her personality that I was noticing. I was very happy about that. I was still talking to the OW but I was noticing that I was feeling even more guilty.

Then, two weeks ago, dad had another stroke. I had to go to Atlanta and my W was very supportive about me going.

On Sunday, I told my W that my shoulder was killing me. She offered to rub it down with Icy Hot. When she touched my shoulder, it sent goosebumps through me. It was like nothing I had felt in a long time. I offered to give her a back rub and she accepted. Each rub was like a 20 minute rub. Touching her on her back gave me the same feelings.

The next day I played in a golf tournament. On the way home I tried to call her but she didn't answer. We were supposed to go to Bible Study that night but she told me that she had some things she wanted to talk about and could we go get something to eat. She was very short and I knew something was wrong. When we were at the table, she asked me if there was anything I wanted to tell her. I told her I was worried about dad's upcoming artery surgery and the risks involved. She said was there anything else. I told her that I had been talking to the OW on the phone and had seen her twice. She got up and said she was walking home. She had got this information from the OW's H who had gotten a hold of the cell bill of the OW. She asked me to stay at my other house that night and I did.

The next day it seemed like there was a glimmer of hope. I had to go out of town for my dad's surgery. She said that was ok that she understood that even with all the stuff between us I needed to be there in case something went wrong. So I went. Apparently, the OW's H sent her a copy of all the cell phone bills for the past several months. When she saw how much I had talked to the OW, she decided it was over.

I know I don't deserve any more chances than I have already got. I know that I am an awful person for doing this a second time. I just feel that over the last few weeks, my playing field changed. She changed. Now she is not the person who jumps my case and puts pressure on me. She has become someone who I like to be around. She has become the person I was hoping I would be with. During those backrubs, I felt it. During mealtimes, I feel it. During times after the kids go to bed, I feel it.

I have always tried to be supportive of everything she does and help out with that or around the house as much as I can so that was not the problem. The problem was that I didn't want to talk to her for fear of what might happen and how I might feel about myself afterwards.

Now, she is saying there is no turning back. She wants the D and that is it. I told her that I felt like we needed to be separated for a few months or however long and that then we could see how things were. She says no way. She is out and that is it. She wants to tell the kids (11, 7, and 6) ASAP. She wants to go to the attorney and start some sort of mediation immediately.

I tell her that I feel so different. She says that is just me being cruel. I asked her to ride with me somewhere on Friday on a business trip and she said that was pouring salt in her wounds.

I want to try. I feel different and it is not just about losing the kids. Before, I was afraid of losing them and that is what made me scramble to stay in. I tried to convince myself otherwise but I think honestly that was my motivating reason. Now, since things have changed, I want to stay in it because I want to give our marriage a chance. My feelings are stong. But everytime I try to talk to her about them, she tries to listen but then says all she wants to talk about is how to tell the kids, when to see an attorney, and move on.

What do I do? Is there any hope?

I have prayed that she might see a glimmer of hope and put off seeing the attorney for a while. If any of you feel like it, I would appreciate your prayers as well.

The timing just stinks. Just when I was honestly going to come clean with everything that I had been doing, she got the info from another source.

Any help would be appreciated,
SNT

SNT-

Look at this from her viewpoint. What possible reason does she have to believe that you're truly going to end this behavior? Your word? Harsh, but you know that it doesn't carry a lot of weight with her anymore.

I don't think most of us would trust our spouses after a 'second time around'. I wouldn't. Personally, I think it's very likely that if my wife were to do this again, it would be the end of our marriage too.

Your only hope as I see it is that you need to work on some method to PROVE to your wife that your sincere. NC letter to OW/OWH is a small start. Work out how you can be accountable to your wife in every detail to SHOW her you're being open an honest is a step.

But at this point she's likely going to do what she has to do gaurd her heart from more hurt from you. I hate to say this, but if I were her, you'd have pretty much no chance to recover the marriage. You know her better than any of us...what do YOU see are the things that might get through to her?

Hello again, SNT. I remember you from last year.

It is called a false recovery, SNT. And it is very, very, very difficult for the BW to even want to fix it yet again.

Do something for me. Read your first post (link below) as SNT, and then read again what you wrote above.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2849537

So what do you think has actually changed in you?

You still sound pretty much the same to me.

Not to pick on you, but I see myself in your BW.

My FWW has had at least two affairs in 20 years of M. Perhaps three. One lasted 10 years with two separate D-Days and false recoveries.

I can tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt if I find out she so much as says hello to OM in the hallway at work I am through. There will be no turning around and around any more.

Extraordinary measures are required in her case and, IMO, in your case.

But you haven’t taken very many real measures at all. You are all about feelings, still. Feeling this here. Feeling that there. It still reads like, what’s in it for you.

Your W isn’t about feelings any more, is she. She is taking action. She is enforcing her boundaries. That’s’ good, she is growing now.

You are going to have to work at it for real this time, SNT. Grow up fast and act like a real man. Step up to your responsibilities and be a genuine, committed, no-nonsense husband and father. And damn your useless feelings.

Then you will see some useful results.

Call the MB counseling center.

You may even yet save your family from yourself.

With prayers,

Thanks both of you. It was very good for me to read that old post. I am glad you were able to link to it.

I guess the biggest difference between last time and this time is that our communication is better. The truth is out there so I am not worried about the digging. I was scared more of the digging and such last time. My main focus was not losing my kids befores. This time it is not losing my family as a whole.

I think false recovery is mostly accurate. When we talk along those lines, she blames me for thinking only of myself. It does sound selfish of me to say this but there has got to be some truth to it. Everytime we would get close to what one may call reconciliation or on a path to recovery, something would happen and she would tell me she was filing that week. I felt she was still pointing out my faults. After April, it seemed she tried to start being more appreciative and supportive. That felt great. But even up until two weeks ago, she was threatening divorce. It was hard to ask her to do things like on dates. It was even harder to want to pray with her although I knew it was the right thing to do. I guess since I knew what I was doing behind her back was so wrong, it was hard to go to God in prayer with her knowing I was betraying her. But even in prayer, I felt like I would be judged.

I know that sounds so selfish. It sounds like it is all about me. The truth is in other areas I was always there and helping. If it was problems with the kids, problems with her scheduling around her work, or problems with getting housework done, I was always there to help. Always. I tried to show her in those ways that I wanted to move towards recovery. Maybe it was just out of guilt but I felt I was doing it out of love.

You are right. I have put myself in her shoes and it is not pretty. What would I do? Probably take off and never look back. I do think that if I thought about it and I knew the consequences of jumping into a divorce including the effects on the kids and everything, I would look for an option that wouldn't make me look stupid for giving the WS another chance. I think that option is to separate for weeks or months. Right now she is so incredibly angry that it is the wrong time to make such a life-changing decision. But again, why should she do anything different?

I know I am rambling. It is late and it has been a long 48 hours. I am so sad and scared that my brain just isn't working.

Has anyone been through a false recovery and worked it out?

I am going to think more on this and write more later. We are going to a counselor tomorrow morning to talk about telling the kids. I hope something more comes out of it than that.

Keep me in your prayers,
SNT

SNT - I lived through 4 years of contacts before they finally ended. MANY times during that time I was ready to toss in the towel. It is well nigh impossible to believe anything a WS says if the ONE fundamental requirement is not met (by the CHOICE of the WS, not an "accident). That fundamental requirement is NO contact, none, nada, not for ANY reason, with the OP.

To have contact says that no matter what you SAY, you DO NOT respect your wife and you still consider YOUR feelings and actions ahead of hers. I know that sounds harsh, but I've "lived it" myself. I also know others who if their WS so much as talks to the OP they WILL divorce.

You must remember, you already chose divorce when you cheated. Your wife is now merely "agreeing with you" that you should have the consequences of your behavior and the "choice" you wanted...to live for yourself and your own feelings.

So what can you do if you TRULY want to remain married and "win your wife back?"

Rather than go through a long list of "do's and don'ts" let me ask you some questions for you to think about.

When you became a Christian did you deserve God's forgivenesss?

What DID you do to become a Christian?

Even if your wife decides to exercise her right to a divorce, on the grounds of adultery, the answers to those questions will have a fundamental change, or should have, in you. That change will be for the better, with or without your wife. But you better remember that while a Christian is commanded to forgive a repentant fellow believer, they are NOT commanded to continue a relationship with them in marriage. The ball IS in your wife's court and unless she sees a legitimate reason to play ball with you, the game is over. So who ARE you in Christ, and who do you WANT to be, regardless of what the future may hold?

God bless.

Are you doing the most you can to make things right? (Not because you want to, but because it is the right thing to do.)
If you aren't, why not? Doesn't your BS deserve it?

Give her all the information she wants. Incremental, small disclosures will prolong the pain and make it harder for her to believe you.

Beyond full honesty, what steps can you make to help her? Believe me, this is a question that really deserves your attention.

Would you surrender your cell phone (the one you used to call OW with) or change numbers?

Have you told her repeatedly that you are sorry? Do you feel her pain?

You need to guard yourself against the OP and avoid her like the plague.

Why do you consider separation? Is it to post-pone a divorce? Or for other reasons?

Your BW seems to have worked a lot to try and improve your marriage. If you can convince her you are safe, she may reverse her current feelings and want the M to recover. But now is not the time for half-measures. Do the *most* you can do to make things right.

- WG