46XY,

You will hear nothing but the most sincere of support from Ole’ Plank here.

I am certain that you did the right thing.

You will one day be able to say to yourself that even though you made some really bad choices you manned up to it all and were compassionate and caring toward your W.

You do this by doing the same thing that she will have to do.

You do all you can until you can’t do any more. This will either be enough or it won’t; but you can’t give up until you know that there is nothing left inside of you period.

These recovery efforts require that one person (usually) step up and be the leader first. You are that person, and your W will have a much easier time with her personal trials during all of this because you took the initiative to do the right things required of you to demonstrate sincere remorse.

I really wish you two the best.

Keep posting to let us know how you are doing. And for goodness sakes alive DO NOT employ any Lovebusters.

46,
I am a betrayed wife, so I can so understand where she is coming from.

I don't know her, so I am not sure how she is going to react. I know I did not want to talk about it to my friends, but I did have need to talk about it.

Please tell her about MB. If she wants to come here, great. If she would be more comfortable talking via email one on on with another woman, I would be happy to email with her. Just post to me and I will give you my email,ok?

Please purchase her a copy of Surviving an Affair today. Take it to her and ask her to read it. You read your copy. Ask her about seeing a marriage counselor. See if you can get in with Steve Harley for phone counseling. If that won't work, call on Dr. Harley's radio show.

You need a plan for recovery and that includes you taking a lot of inititive to help her heal.

She is not going to be real sure of what she needs to heal at first, so just be available to her.

Can you call her today and ask her to go to dinner with you? I would suggest a picnic. That way there are no oter diners or waiters too close to you.

She needs the opportunity to talk. She needs the opportunity to cry. heck, she needs the opportunity to scream and vent.

My IC said it is like the BS has been through a major trauma and needs to be in ICU. You, the WS are responsible for the trauma and you are responsible for her care.

You can't rush her, either. You have known about the affiar a lot longer than she has and are therefore much further along in your personal recovery that she is. Give her time.


Hang in there.

Here is some non-Harley advice .... based on our experience and our recovery

~~~>LET HER YELL AT YOU <~~~

say *nothing* in your own defense & *nothing* in OW's defense

and when she is finished expressing her rage

softly say

"I am here for you for as long as this takes"

if she stays with you ... say

"Do you need to be held?"

your presence is comforting
your "explainations" will be moot at this point

explainations come ~after~ she's run out of rage

remember

her expressing rage is a good thing
her rage is not limitless (but it will feel like it for you)

however, the more you allow her to spill her rage, the sooner she will move on to the next phase

understand?

best of luck

Pep

Because you took the step and gave her d/d insteaad of her finding out, she will be less tolerent of you but later she will find out that you are both farther along in the healing process than most here.

Let her know, there are some in her shoes you have been talking with. In a place that is safe for her to share her feelings.

Right now, let her know that you will try to understand what she is going through because despite what has happened you love her and know the pain and guilt you must carry is yours not hers. Then let her know that the path communication between H & W needs to be healed together and that you will be reading and researching on the best way to help you both heal. If she says she does't need your help, let her and you go do your reading.

Call Steve H C @ MB for some personal counseling. Later you can bring Steve in for M counseling. He will give you a recovery plan. Personal recovery 1st and M 2nd.

Right now she needs to learn how to deal with her pain. Pray for her love to return and know it will take a long time. Possibly twice as long as the A the time time it took you to tell her. Yep, it will be a long recovery road but worth it because that's your family.

Be prepared for her to tell you to get the D. Just listen and go on doing your recovery. Know she will get very angry with you and want you to get angry in return so she can give you her pain. She doesn not want to carry her pain. You carry what you can, then the 2 of you can find closure together.

Will this end in a D? Could be. But not after you have given it your all. In the meantime, let her know we can be a support group also. If she wants A horror stories, we can tell her some real ones. Tell her there's one about a laundry bag, a walk on the beach, a domestic violence arrest, a call to 911, several false pregancies, accusations of having an A with FIL, being a lesbian, anbusive parent, ruining a business, etc..... oh yea...BTW, those are just some of my stories. Scary huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Ok, the point is show her this site and we will help.

Another point, for myself, our family is in recovery. So despite how d/d goes, recovery is possible. There are many of us who could tell you stories that would make your hair stand on end. But that style may not suit your looks, so we will wait until you both come here and we share, help and cry together.

Your post brought a tear to my eye and I haven't I usually, don't cry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

NOTE: Communicate by e-mail for now. It may hurt too much for her to hear your voice and let her know when she is ready, you would like very much to listen and speak with her.

take care,
L.

I am so proud to know that a wayward spouse can be man enough to tell the truth, and initiate the talk themselves. You are doing the right thing. In the end, your wife will appreciate this so much when she sees your sincerity in saving your marriage. You and your wife will be in my prayers.
God Bless.
KK

By the way, I had to dig and spy to find out the truth about my X. When we made an attempt at recovery, that, along with his other weaknesses, made it impossible to reconcile.
Follow Harley's plan, and you will succeed!!!!

46XY,

How'd things go this weekend?

Thanks for asking wtf. I think things went well. We did a lot of talking and crying. She had questions written down, and I answered all of them truthfully and to the best of my ability. We were both up at 4am this morning because we could not sleep (I was able to stay in the house Sat and Sun). She has a wide range of emotions right now from being sad to very angry. She let me hold her after talking this morning. We know we have a long road ahead of us, and she is willing to give it a try. I'm not holding my breath, but that's how we left it. She wants/needs to talk about this with one of her friends, but she doesn't want them to know. The visions of the affair keep coming back and that's difficult for her. She want's to blame herself for what happened, but I assured her that I was the one to blame, not her. She did not cheat, I did. We talked about counseling a little and where we need to go from here. I keep letting her know that I'll do whatever it takes for us to make it. I have also let her know about MB's website and what it has to offer. We talked about counseling via phone, but she thinks that it would seem impersonal. Any thoughs on that? Hopefully SAA and HNHN will arrive today.

Thanks again. 46xy

You might want to introduce her to this forum now

Pep

I second Pep!

I think that it would be a good idea to bring her here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

She will have a number of "sisters" to converse with here (BTDT). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Your W's emotions will be all over the board for awhile. They may change almost minute to minute. Any number of things may trigger these swings. Try to watch for what they are. Even better would be to ask her what they are and try to protect her from them.

We tend to refer to this time as the "RollerCoaster". Sit down, strap in, & Hang On! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

BTW: Excellent Job this weekend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I have another question - related, but more on a legal note. I keep thinking that the OW, or OWH is going to want revenge. I'm trying not to be paranoid, but it keeps creeping in. I was thinking today, is there any grounds for a lawsuite from the OW or the OWH against me regarding the A? The A took place at the office, but after work hours. I work in one dept, she was a secretary for another dept for a private school. We live in a small town. They still have one teenager in school. Last May her position was cut (nothing to do with A, but I'm guessing she may think so - if that were the case, then I'm sure that I wouldn't be employed there anymore either.) She no longer works there. My wife and I have so much to work on, that I don't want anything to distract from that.

Any thoughts?
Suggestions?
Do I need to tell my employer about the situation?
Should I be looking for a different job?

Thanks again,

46xy

Yes, I agree, and I'm trying. Baby steps. She's not big into using computers or technology. She is more of a "hands-on" person who likes face to face conversation. So, we'll see. I am trying.

Thanks,
46xy

“I keep thinking that the OW, or OWH is going to want revenge. I'm trying not to be paranoid, but it keeps creeping in. I was thinking today, is there any grounds for a lawsuite from the OW or the OWH against me regarding the A? The A took place at the office, but after work hours. I work in one dept, she was a secretary for another dept for a private school. We live in a small town. They still have one teenager in school. Last May her position was cut (nothing to do with A, but I'm guessing she may think so - if that were the case, then I'm sure that I wouldn't be employed there anymore either.) She no longer works there. My wife and I have so much to work on, that I don't want anything to distract from that.

Any thoughts?
Suggestions?
Do I need to tell my employer about the situation?
Should I be looking for a different job?”


Oh, lots of thoughts, you can be sure of that.

46XY, in a genuinely just universe, OW’s BH would trap you in a dark ally every night for as long as your adultery lasted, plus a few additional times for good measure. You may want to pray he is a civilized and forgiving man. A real man.

And yes, in genuinely just universe, he should sue you six ways from Sunday even if he only suspects his WW was let go because of adultery with you. Would not matter if he wins or not. Pray some more, 46XY.

Ethically speaking, you should tell your employer about the situation. They could at least get their legal ducks in a row, just in case.

I think you should look for a different job. A long, long way away from OW.

Consequences bite, huh.

Pray he is a better man than the one who committed adultery with his wife.


BTW, re your user name - are you appealing to your genes?

ed: I mean, I hope you are not thinking the equivalent of chromosome 46 made me do it.

And age? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

46,XY is the chromosome make-up of a male, that's all. No hidden meaning - I'm a male. Female is: 46,XX.

My age - 40

I see your point Aphelion, and I know the horrible thing I did to my W. The OW is married also, and had an A with me, a married man. I'm not making excuses here, but we were both married, and made the same mistake, and both were wrong in what we did. I don't see why I should feel like I'm the only one to be blamed. I did not set out to have an A, it just happened, now I'm trying to heal the pain that I have caused my wife. I do pray everyday for foregiveness of my sins, guidence, healing, and thanks for getting a second chance with my wife.

What I was looking for from the ealier post regarding revenge, was that if anyone had similar experiences they could share, or if someone in the legal field could offer some advice.

Thanks.

From Penalty Kill

I have two things to say here: First, 46xy, of *course* your affair didn't "just happen". You obviously did things, or more likely a series of things, to make it happen. I am a FWW, so I know this. It's a series of bad choices....and they don't "just happen".

My advice would be forget about what OW's H will do to you. If you feel badly, apologize to him for your wrongs. But whatever you do, don't tell him that it "just happened".

Next, Aphelion. So often what you say resonates deeply with me - and I mean that in a good way. IMO, you missed the mark a bit with your last post to 46xy.

I don't think it would be a "just universe" if everyone was able to go around seeking revenge on those that have harmed them. An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind. 46xy's A partner was M'd. Should 46's wife be allowed to corner her in a dark alley? And what of the children, if any, of these couples? Now that someone has hurt their parents, should they, too, be allowed to seek retribution?

I understand what you're saying, but it's not justice. IMO, it's something less wholesome. Why not leave it to divine retribution?

Or perhaps I'm just missing your point? That's always a possibility.

You are very correct, it is a series of very bad choices. I would like to think that it "just happened", but I know it didn't.

Good Morning 46XY.

As for your question about revenge: OWH's is less likely to "seek" revenge the further out from his D-Day he becomes. If he was really going to act out against you / your family he would most likely have done this soon after his D-Day.

At this point I doubt that he is activly seeking "revenge". So I wouldn't be losing any sleep over this. On the other hand I wouldn't try steping back into the picture and reopening old wounds.

OWH is probably hoping that your "dead & buried" in the past. I suggest that you stay that way. Remember what I said about No Contact?

Penaltybox is quite right about it is not "Just" your W that was the injured party in this. Both Families / their extended families / and friends are injured by an A.

Do your best to heal all affected parties; but your #1 job right now is your W.

Stay Strong!

Hi WTF,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Not sure if I liked your choice of words "dead & buried", but I know what you're saying. Yes, I definately remember NO CONTACT.

You mention about not reopening old wounds, and I totally agree, I do NOT want to do that. But, I work in the same school that their teenage child goes to. That can't be good.

What are your thoughts on getting a different job, letting my empoyer know, things like that?

46XY

“I understand what you're saying, but it's not justice. IMO, it's something less wholesome. Why not leave it to divine retribution?

Or perhaps I'm just missing your point? That's always a possibility.”

I think perhaps I may have a different concept of justice. No, it’s not simply retribution. It’s more like receiving in full what you earn, with no interference from anyone.

The WS has earned serious and logical consequences. Why should he/she get to avoid them? Any of them whatsoever?

Perhaps there could be a genuine lesson to remember taught to the WH here, who knows. But this OW’s BH sounds like a better man than Mr. Male-Chromosome-Made-Me-Do-It, or I. I guess we will never know.

The BS can suffer serious stress related physical consequences, caused buy the WS, but heaven forbid any physical consequences upon a WS.

No serious consequences, especially nothing that actually hurts: the everlasting paean of the WS. Even after they get caught. Especially after they get caught.

Maybe I’m just having a bad couple of days, but I feel 46XY is getting off easy compared to the BH he cuckolded. Call it justice, call it revenge, call it whatever you want - IMO, there ought to be closely related consequences!

PS: In the interest of full disclosure, the OM from my W’s VLTA has suffered no consequences whatsoever. None. Neither has FWW actually. Only me.