For a WW spouse?? I am having the "what if...." thoughts along with the "what if I can't do this" thoughts.... feeling quite sad and anxious. To make matters worse BH is on a business trip and won't be back until friday night. I was having such a great day yesterday, I started to decorate my home (we moved here at the end of May) and then today I was driving and heard a song............ that's all it took!!

I am not taking AD but every day I am sooooooo close to calling my doctor.

If anyone can give me some hope that this will go away soon... or some words of wisdom today, I could really use them!

Thanks,
B

Hi McBecca - It will go away if you maintain NC. It gets better every day but remember it's a roller coaster. Just stick with it and you will be troubled like this less and less.

Perhaps you should call your doctor to get some help at this point.

I want to FEEL happy again and not just like I am walking around like a zombie!

I feel shortness of breath every time I think of OM now and I am not sure what that means.... I've cried a lot today.... maybe that will help. The sad thing is, I am crying and not even sure WHY!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
B

Yup, what bigkahuna said.

It is a damned rollarcoaster ride. Up one day, down the next...the ride does eventually even out...it just takes time.

In the meantime just know that what you are experiencing is completely NORMAL for WS.

Music is such a trigger. I changed my music genre...I'm listening to jazz for the first time in my life. You've got to keep away from the triggers. Got to!

~ Marsh

Honestly McBecca - it's all OK. Seriously see a doctor for some AD's. Did I mention this is a roller coaster? You had a high level of emotional attachment to OM - it takes time and NC to break that. You are like a crack addict separated from her crack pipe. It's horrible but the feeling and craving will pass if you starve your addiction.

You will feel happy again. Heck - you will BE happy again.

McB...

Not fearing down days...holding the fear and acting anyway...was key to me to STOP being wayward...

Fearing, not liking, dreading them...was a tricky way of giving myself permission to do the exact thing I didn't want...take the drug...so down days are a short part of that cycle due to addiction...knowing you can feel down, it's just for today, and moving on is KEY to breaking out of the fog entirely.

You're ALMOST THERE! Congrats!!!

Each time you think of OM, get rid of it within 10 seconds...faster, better...you will not feel shortness of breath, or any emotional reaction if you do this...biologically, your brain will hand you the image/sound/trigger and then retrieve the emotional/physical information from storage...takes about 20 seconds...hot potato...toss out those triggers and say your TRUTH...

That's not what I want...

Know your own emotions...could be from the stress of withdrawal, changing yourself and your life...oh, no pressure there!! LOL...guilt, shame, routine longing for smooth, carefree life...lots of stuff to uncover in yourself, McB...do it with tender fingers and wide eyes.

LA

Oh yeah, I've been there, done that.

It's part of the ride, Becca.

It's NORMAL.

It will get better.

Know that.

~ Marsh

There are a couple of reasons why.

One of them is withdrawl. You are just going to feel like crap for a few weeks..physically like crap.

Tearfull..nauseated...angry...depressed [this is the zombie part]...confused...what iffy...you name it expect to run the gamut.

There is no magic pill to ward off withdrawl Becca but an AD really might help make it bearable so I guess I don't understand *why* you are resisting or leaving it as a last resort.

One of the reasons is loss pure and simple. You have been very invested in this relationship with this man and walking away from it is loss...walking away permanently and making a decision that whether your marriage makes it or not...your affair is over is going to cause you grief. If you don't make that decision...you will keep OM in your back pocket so to speak and will never be able to fully reinvest in your marriage.

One of the reasons is fear.

You are in brand new territory. It's scary. Your shortness of breath sounds like anxiety to me. Your body having an adrenaline boost...being triggerred.

One of the reasons is boredom...no one is contributing to your love bank or even your day...not your H and not OM so you are alone by yourself and idle thoughts do wander downhill so...getting very busy may be a good plan.

It's important to get off the "what does it mean" train of thought.

Likely what ANYTHING means right now is..you have been addicted and now you are getting unaddicted [as much as it is possible] and your mind/emotions/physical reactions are a bit dodgy as a result.

McBec,

""I want to FEEL happy again and not just like I am walking around like a zombie!""

If by this you mean that taking ADs will make you a walking zombie, then you know not of which you speak!

Taking ADs do not make you walk around in a laudnum induced coma or like an electric shock treatment participant. ADs will take the edge off the anxiety, and help get through the day to day activities. They even out the highs and lows of that rollercoaster.

"" I've cried a lot today.... maybe that will help.""

I am not sure that crying will help. Crying is usually a symptom, not a cure. I know an AD will help!

NOODLE..."idle thoughts do wander downhill" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> AWESOME as usual...never heard that one before.

krk

One of the reasons I am not taking AD already is that I am breastfeeding my daughter, I know there are some "safe" drugs out there and I am going to call my doctor tomorrow and finally ask for them. I NEED to get out of this fog otherwise I don't think we will make it.

I have loved people before, I have LOST people dear to me before and yet for some reason this feels like nothing I've ever experienced!!

Part of me wants to start working full time again so my time alone is limited... but i know that is not really want I want to do (put my DD in daycare) and I will regret it later. I need to do some volunteer work but unfortunately DD is so young yet (3 months) that I can't take her with me. I've signed up for several playgroups, MOPS and stuff like that but of couse these activities don't happen every minute of the day.... I wish they did!!

I have my entire day tomorrow already planned as to not to have much time to "think".... same for friday and then BH will be back.

Gosh... this "addiction" is so powerful! I wish there was a 12-step program for WW spouses!!! :-(

B

I said these exact words!




These too...word for word.



Time, NC, and knowing that the way you feel now is NORMAL but NOT perminent...helps.

Believe it.


~ Marsh

McBecca...

Something else that you may want to consider during all of this is that you may also be suffering from Postpartum Depression...Withdrawal is MISERABLE, no doubt, but add PPD to that and it could mean certain disaster...Here is a link to the Edinburgh Postpartum Depression Scale...Please take that test and go over the results with your doctor...YES, CALL YOUR DOC ASAP...

Hang in there...There is DEFINITELY light at the end of this tunnel...I've gone through both PPD and Withdrawal and I've made it through to the other side...It WILL get better...Hold fast to NC!

Mrs. W

Do NOT take an AD if you are breast feeding without the guidance of a psychiatrist. Exercise a lot if you can... the efficacy is the same of better than AD's. But do not take anything that will go into your baby's milk without first consulting a psych. A general practicioner will not do in this case!
Good luck

McB,

"I have loved people before, I have LOST people dear to me before and yet for some reason this feels like nothing I've ever experienced!!"

Choosing to view your withdrawal in comparison with this may be adding to your pain...

Could you compare it to something more similar?

"I have used meth and cocaine for years. The withdrawal is killer...feels the same as when I quit those."

I believe adjusting that comparison might do well for you.

Just a suggestion.

This withdrawal comes from ceasing a deep habit...including habitual thinking, feeling, believing and perceiving...training you mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually...very much how drugs affect your system, not love, IMO.

LA

Agree with MEDC..

I didn't realize you were breastfeeding...hmmm.

I would suspect that unless it was REALLY interfering with your ability to function most Drs wouldn't be willing to prescribe ADs while you were still nursing.

You could ask if they have any suggestions though.

McBecca...

Call your OB/GYN...When I experienced PPD, that is what I did, and it was a life saver...They referred me to a doc that was an OB/GYN AND a psychiatrist who specialized in PPD...Of course, any psychiatrist could treat you with AD's, be they for getting through "Withdrawal Depression" or the more serious PPD-Obviously tell them that you are breastfeeding...However, if you feel that you are indeed that depressed, TAKE THE AD's...As great as breastfeeding is, your children need a healthy mother MORE than ANYTHING, and switching to formula if that is what is needed, is nothing to be ashamed of...Please take care of YOU!!!

Mrs. W

I answerd those questions and I know I am suffering from depression, not sure if PPD exactly or because of my situation or both but defenitely depression. To make matters worse I am away from family and friends as we just moved to this area so not having someone to go to when I am feeling down or blue, makes it extra tough!! I've been keeping in touch with a few friends that know my situation but not the same as having them nearby to drop by for a cup of coffee or something...

I need BH's comforting right now, so when he gets back friday I will just plan on spending some quality time with him. We have a sitter for the weekend and I Am looking forward to that so much!!!

B

You have the tool in your arms. That daughter of yours. Look into her eyes, and remember, the greatest gift you can give her is to love your husband at all costs.
Another thing you can remember is that you want to work things out. Remember the pain caused to your husband by the affair? Do his feelings matter to you? Would you want him to hurt anymore? I can tell you personally, I would rather die than go through that pain again. I relive that pain every day.
Jesus said(paraphrased) that thinking a sin is the same as committing it. I know it's not as easy as that when feelings are involved.
I am in your same situation, except my wife still is buried in the fog after 2.5 years, and although we live in the same home and have three young children, she still is indifferent to me and my feelings, is seemingly still shopping around, and has "done nothing wrong, I was done".
How I long to be in your husband's shoes. my wife's "support group" supports her in the wrong direction; they do not encourage her to try and clear her head and do what's right, they do the opposite(do what makes you feel good). She is in a place where she is so callous, so self-centered, she believes my description of being a good father includes being a good husband as well is crap. The "total package"(there would be no children to be a good father to if it weren't for her AND I) that I feel for in my heart is the farthest thing from her mind.

McBecca...

I'm so glad to hear that you are going to make that call! Good for you! For me, even knowing that I was going to feel better eventually after I visited the doc made a huge difference! Because AD's take a long time to get into your system, and if you are feeling really depressed and willing to stop breastfeeding because of that, ask the doctor for something that will help you feel better in the short term, meaning something for anxiety...Also, when I was being treated for PPD, in addition to the Anti Depressants, I was prescribed 2.5 milligrams/day of Zyprexa for a 14 day period...That is a VERY low dose, as it is an anti-psychotic drug (sounds much scarier than it is), but that helped in the short term to get me over the intial hump and waiting for the Anti D's to kick in...The doc that I went to had treated PPD with much success by using that drug in a low dose on a short term basis...It helps with obsessive thoughts...applicable to PPD and withdrawal actually...

Anyway, please be sure to let us know what happens when you speak to the doc!

I also understand the feelings of isolation that you are having...I live 750 miles from my hometown and so I know just the way you feel in that sense...Hugs to you! You'll make it through this...Remember, we are all only a post away! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

McBecca,

Have you tried exercise? It's a natural boost to your mental health as well as physical. I had PPD, marital problems, nursing about 9 yrs ago; exercise helped me regain my sense of self. I haven't stopped since and wouldn't have gotten through my current trials as well without it.