I don't know what I expect here. I'm not sure what I'm even doing. My husband and I have been together 9 years, second marriage for both. We have two kids each, and they've grown up together. There has always been a problem with my partner, and my son - two males in the house. I have many friends that have had the same trouble. But it was always manageable over the years. Now it's just insane. My son is in his teens, and rebelling a bit - nothing major. But my husband over reacts to the point that he is unreasonable. There are now rooms in the house that he says are "his", and myself and my kids cannot go in. He is so critical of my son, that I really feel that I cannot leave the house without my kids, because he will create a huge battle. I'm talking about little things like leaving a glass on a table once in a while - not anything serious. This is enough that my husband demands that I am not respecting his right to have control over "his" house (we both pay 50/50). We have tried counselling and they tell me he is controlling and critical, but he will not change. I HAVE to accept that I cannot change this man. The whole situation is hurting me, and my kids. He also has taken to drinking a lot, pretty regularly, and is very belligerent and verbally mean when he drinks. Every day that I come home from work the past few months, I am stressed out about what we've done wrong today that he is mad about. He has ruined more holidays than I can remember with this anger at everything. He has even gotten upset that I don't park the right way in the driveway with my car. He always tries to justify it afterwards. It occurred to me yesterday that, even though he says these things in anger to me while insisting he loves me and doesn't want it to end if we'd all just do what he wants us to do, he intentionally LOOKS for things we do wrong. I think I'm going crazy. Does he really want it to end and doesn't have the guts to say so???? He lives a separate life from me most of the time now anyway. He is not a communicator - says he's no good at it, so it is frustrating when I try to talk to him, and want to find a way to make it work. He has nothing to say. Just that he needs my children to do everything he tells them immediately when he speaks to them, and that he has the right to say what is wrong in our house because it is half his. And then he leaves to go out and play some sport, comes home drunk, complains that something we are doing is wrong and he doesn't have to take it. It can even be just someone is "sitting" the wrong way on the couch. I'm losing my mind here. What the ****** is wrong with him?

Is he an alcoholic?

Thanks for responding. I don't know if I would say that - although I guess it's a real possibility. The drinking was always tied to a sport and some team he was hanging out with afterwards. Now it is more often, but of course he blames me. But the critical stuff all the time - you would not believe how ridiculous it is some of the stuff he will get mad about, and will punish me by not talking to me for days. I am going out of my bloody mind with this.

sounds like a problem that will need to be resolved very quickly. I would strongly suggest that you or your H will need to leave the home until his behavior is no longer a danger to your children.
I can tell you... and I am not a doctor... but if you look up BPD (borderline personality disorder) you just described your H.
You need to find a way to take care of your kids and hopefully your H will decide to seek out the help that he desperately needs... not only for the M and family... but for himself too.
What brought you to an infidelity site? Have either of you had an affair?

Sorry- I have been reading all through the forums here and actually posted on one that I guess had very little traffic and didn't get a response for over a month. A couple posts mentioned that GQII was a better place to get feedback. I guess I didn't realize it was directed only at infidelity. I will look up what you suggested. Thanks

He SOUNDS just like an alcoholic with his personality changes and controlling, abusive behavior. He is detached from you just like an alcoholic. That is pretty typical. Just the fact that his drinking was tied to a sport does not mean he isn't an alcholic.

If it were me, I would remove my children from his abuse. Your first priority is to protect those kids, not to make an abusive step father happy. Can your kids go live with their dad or your parents? Teenage boys need some good, solid guidance from a rational male, lest they risk going south. This is a dangerous age for your boy to in an abusive environment. He needs to be protected from this.

no apology necessary... we will be happy to help... just wanted to make sure that stone wasn't unturned.

Well, I don't have family here, and my first husband suffered from bipolar disorder. He doesn't see the kids. I have a pretty solid career, and could manage on my own, but it would mean I make a complete break, and we sell our home. I can't afford to leave and also maintain the house. Also, the community we live in is undergoing some strife that has affected property sales - it will be tough to sell the house right now.

Regardless, I am trying very hard to detach from everything and do what I really think I need to do. Which is leave, not just threaten to do it - but do it. He just came in, after storming out three hours ago because my son was sitting in "his" living room, and wanted to know if I want a cup of tea. What I want is him to leave us alone.

Chryss, I would suggest that your first priority is to protect your son. Can you send him to live with some family and remove him from this situation?

This part caught my eye:

Do you mean with your husband and your son? Or that you had similar problems with other partners before this marriage?

If your husband and your son have always had turf battles in your home, I wonder whether you have elevated your son's status above your husband's in some way.

I hope I'm wrong, but please consider whether this might be true:

Your husband is going to extremes to defend "his" territory - portions of the home - when the whole place should be "his" (and "yours"). It sounds like he feels isolated and disempowered (if that's a word), as if you and your son "gang up on him" and "lay down the law".

I understand that you're frustrated, but I see the same thing on your husband's side. You dismiss the things he's concerned about - "not anything serious". Can you see how you are disrespecting him?

Is this what he believes?
He's reduced to throwing temper tantrums because you don't hear him otherwise. He doesn't matter. Your son is always right.

smidgen, he sounds just like a raging practicing alcoholic to me. He is not throwing temper tantrums because he is not "heard," but is actively looking for grievances and outlets for his anger. He is walking FURY looking for a CAUSE. Regardless of the cause, it does not give him the right to abuse her son.

I have not had other partners than my first husband, who is my children's father, and my current husband. What I meant by my comment, was that my husband has always displayed some resentment of my son's presence. And by resentment, I mean he has always displayed a critical nature toward my son, i.e. when all four kids are eating, he criticizes how my son sits, eats, etc. When all four kids leave a piece of clothing on the floor, or don't pick up after themselves, it is my son that he focusses on. He appears to be blind to any other child's foibles. He appears to take everything my son does as a personal affront. I have read a lot about co-dependency, cross-generational bonding, etc. I have an understanding of what you refer to when you ask if I elevate my son above my husband. And I have to say, that I honestly don't believe I do this. I feel more that my husband forces me to choose between them.

I have many friends and associates who have blended families. For several years, I have discussed the difficulties of blending two families with these people. One common thread seems to be if the woman has a son (or sons), there is generally a great deal of conflict in the home. One very highly educated woman I know, who's two sons are now grown, told me that when her sons were small her husband became convinced that if the boys got up on the night to use the bathroom, that they were doing it intentionally to disturb the husband's sleep. Ultimately, she found out that her boys were so impacted by this oppression that they were secretly urinating in a jar in their bedroom at night so as not to make a sound.

To me this wreaks of a form of child abuse. But also another example of the types of loyalty conflicts that women have to deal with in a second marriage. In my circumstance, my son does not pursue conflict with my husband. My husband will seek out my son, and before there is even a problem, he will create chaos. This happens when my son has friends over (embarassing him), and even when I have had company or family visiting. It is apparent to almost everyone who comes into contact with my family. I am constantly present to run interference. And I am sick of it. Literally.

I bet your son is even MORE sick of it than you since he is the target of the abuse. He is even less able to deal with it than you, since he is a child. He doesn't have any power in this situation and doesn't have the maturity or judgment of an adult to be able to defend himself or deal with this. He is completely at your H's mercy and is sorely in need of your protection, Chryss.

Orchid: You need to show fairness and not allow your H to abuse your family. It is abuse and teaches abuse to those being abused and those watching.

Learn to have prepared responses like:

H: You eat like a pig.

W: Well you seem to be enjoying your pork chops. Now wipe your mouth and pick that spinach from your teeth.

NOTE: Your H does not deserve respect for those kinds of invalid comments. Then take him aside and tell him that while you want to back him up, if he is being a jerk, you have no choice but to let his jerkiness show.


Orchid: Another example -

H: Look at this jacket on the floor. How horrible. (as he steps over the socks, sweatpants and t-shirts from the other children).

W: Son, please go pick up your jacket and the rest of you children, pick up your clothes. I play no favorites when on this subject. Now H, go put your boxers in the hamper like normal people. It isn't exciting to see them on the bathroom floor.

NOTE: Later take your H aside and let him know that each time he chooses to be a stupid parent and pick on a child unnecessarily, he is forcing you to note his inadequadcies.


Why do I tell you this? Because not only did the A did a mental number on my H but my H used to do similar. It took many hard mental slaps to his ego to bring him back to earth and teach him to treat others well. He was ok with those outside the family but to us he was a jerk. Of course he never admitted it until I would bring expose it. Yep exposure can work in many ways.

Sounds like a DJ but remember who you are dealing with. Those kinds need to respect you before you can treat him like a normal person.

I have a low tolerance for stupid people. Especially adults who act like morons with their children and grandchildren.

JMHO,
L.

I would not expose my children to any person who treated them this way for one day let alone years....

nine years is long enough for your son to have live under this tryranny....

I would leave with my children...

see it through your son's eyes...you choose a man over your sons ability to have a peaceful tranquil home...
throughout his most impressionable years now...

the thought of someone hurting my children with plain cruelity for no reason is insanity in my book..

add on to raging and drinking...
I'd be long time gone.....before there was a next time...

ARK