Okay, maybe it's a dumb question and I'm pretty sure I know my own answer but this is really wearing on me - feel like the A has been going on too long (18m+), WS moved out in May and as the days grow shorter I am getting more lonely (some SAD too), I need the love and companionship that is missing. And though I spend time with friends it obviously isn't the same. I need a hug (besides DD.)

love_left

Why not get a divorce?

Is a duck's butt waterproof?

Are you in plan B?

Do you know the difference between loneliness and soli2de?

I like soli2de.

-ol' 2long

Oh wait a minute, I don't think he is even married. So yes, you are perfectly free to date if you are not married.

If that's the case, I concur.

-ol' 2long

well loveleft....

My opinion is that the plans AND dating do not work...in fact they completely wipe eachother out....

what is your goal with plan A..

to stop the affair
get back with Significant Other
and
get married...??

If that is your goal then you can not and should not date during any of them..be it plan A OR plan B...

you are free though to stop all contact with your WS and date....

dating and planning don't work..
it will back fire
blow up in your face
be used as weapon
and nails in the coffin to seal the relationship as dead..

it will undo all she has done...and come to rest fully on you....

splat!!!

ARK

Yeah, I know, my opinion too.

I'm struggling and feeling low and lonely and starting to feel like I am out of sight out of mind for WS.

I think it is loneliness. I've always liked/needed some solitude (which WS was happy to exaggerate and throw in my face in this) and still like *some* even now but this is beyond solitude.

It is an 8 year relationship with stated commitment to each other which was renewed after having our daughter. Does being a common-law marriage make it any less of a betrayal? Would M have made any difference? OM is married - what does that say about the value of M to OM or WS? Though at one point WS thought she was going to jump straight into M with OM (seems like fog talk.)

I don't think it would undo anything she has done. But I would have to be at the point where I no longer believed R was the best thing or was willing to give up on it and had finalized all the details of the S and custody. Otherwise it wouldn't make me any better.

Still running on empty and low on hope,
love_left

loveleft, of course it is a betrayal, but since there is no marriage committment here, you are perfectly within your rights [morally and legally] to date or do whatever you choose.

IMHO, only you can decide if it is morally acceptable for you to date other people. You know what your committments were and a piece of paper does not in any way validate those feelings. So, go with what your heart tells you. If you feel as though you would be breaking a vow that you made... don't date... if you are okay with it... feel free to date.

I guess what I am meaning to say is that there is NO WAY to betray someone morally. So decide for yourself if you are betraying her in any way.

Legally yes, morally I'm not so sure. Isn't the fundamental of a commitment a statement of ones moral values?

love_left

yes

LL your post struck a cord so I decided to get the history, way to familar.

Read my story, I am going to add the history before the A here. As I tell it take it for what it is worth to you.

The history that the A story does not tell:

Dated on again off again forever, faded first time, he started dating this girl, I did not know about it, we lived a distance apart, I was devestated when I found out, we maintained contact, I dated others, even became engaged once, had more than one opportunity to marry someone who genuinely cherished and loved me for me, never could go there was very honest with them about where my heart was, just could not break the attachment to my now H, several years into the relationship, during one of our periods of being on again we were surprised by a pregnancy, it threw both of us for a loop, but he really went off the edge, he started leaning on the female side of a couple he was friends with, the couple was having problems, he leaned on her she leaned on him, it was horrible, all up in my face, he denied anything intimate, but then I left, moved out of state to get away, the relationship went full blown the weekend after I left, only brief, she was seeing both men, got pregnancy, and went back to her fiance.

Now here I am 10 years into my marriage, he freaks out again, and has a full blown affair. The others situations were painful. Now some may argue that the other situations where affairs. However, I have to own up to the fact that we were not in a committed relationship from 12 months -- year 4. I also dated other people.

I share this to say this. I would not change my path. As painful as it has been. As I look back on the other loves in my life they would have been much easier relationships, however, the love was not there. Each had habits that I could not get past in the dating period so what might surface if the relationshp goes further. Some might say my H was the one I couldn't have. Then yet, I could have been the one he couldn't break. When we got married I cannot say I was ignorant and did not know what I was getting myself into. His mom even said the day before my wedding -- "Now you know what your getting yourself into......." The you can't whine that you didn't know, you can still change your mind speech. (Don't be caught off guard I am truly blessed with an awesome mother-in-law). I have only one regret...that I did not hold to the MC before the wedding.

Given the story you have told. You may be in for a rough ride. Then again, it may not be a rough ride. It may be worth it to you .... as it was too me. Then it may not. Only you can answer that for yourself. I think the important thing to ask yourself is are you willing to continue if ride is rough. Are you willing to take this relationship further given the possibility that an A might occur again? It can happen in any relationship?

I wish you the very best. This is a tough place to be. Very tough.

Blessed_Angel,

Ouch - very tough.

Just to clarify, before this A (18m+ now) we had been living together over 6 years. During that time there was no A. And despite the topic of this post I have never looked outside of our relationship in the 8 years since we got together.

I would expect if (and it seems a big if right now) WS ends the A and maintains NC and if she finds her way back (even bigger if) that we resolve the underlying issue that opened the vulnerability in the first place (I think amount of time together is one of the biggest parts but even that needs to be figured out from both sides, understanding each other's EN) and then continue to work to maintain the relationship to prevent another A.

As far as I can see it is a rough ride any way but the potential upside to R together far exceeds that of going separate ways (as far as parents who work in the same building can go separate ways). But that potential most likely is not visible in WS's fog.

love_left

Guess I should explain beyond loneliness, pain and frustration where my comment came from.

A few months ago post-D but pre-MB and while I was mostly plan A without knowing it as such I kept accidentally (on my part anyway) running into someone and chatting. It seems we share several interests (though have never met doing them) and actually she seemed quite interested in me. As I realized that I also knew I was still committed to my family and avoided the situation.

In fact we first met years ago, just a few months after WS and I first got together. Maybe I recognized something at that time as I only talked to her once and then stayed away.

Just the other day I ran into her again and we talked briefly but I think her interest is gone (assuming it was not just my wishful thinking ego in the first place.) And that was when I posted this.

Possibly this woman's interest could be revived but my feeling is that it wouldn't be fair to her or me to try unless I felt ready to pursue it whole-heartedly (the difference between me and OM?) Guess for me that is true of any relationship so the fact that I'm even entertaining such thoughts has me questioning how much longer I can sustain the current situation without some change, however small, in WS. I'm not quite there yet but...

love_left

this is mearly your "Taker" trying to keep you happy

make your "Taker" happy by doing something else that makes you feel special ... brainstorm about what that might be

Pep

PS ... I say this because you are much too emotionally traumatized to be considered relationship ready at this time

do something else good for yourself ... don't use other humans as self-medicating your hurt & grief

take care

Pep

Well, I've already bought new clothes, a new (expensive) toy and am thinking about another, taken a vacation and started working on a car restoration project...

Apparently my Taker is not easily appeased!

love_left

well there's part of it..what's the fun of new toys if no one to admire and enjoy them with you...

join Habitat for Humanity...

put a hammer in your hands.....

and start creating something...with all different types of people....

I am serious....

ARK

Hello,

I have not followed your story but I certainly hope that you have contacted the OM's wife and let her know what has been going on. This is absolutely essential.

Hello LoveLeft,

it seems to me you have to make a decision at some point.
Either a) you are in plan A/B and you intend to get back on track with your SO and the mother of your child.
Or b) you have come to the decision that it's time to put an end to that relationship and move on.

If a) it's pretty clear that dating is not a good idea. It will tell your SO that you have moved on, too, no matter if she says "it doesn't matter" or "she doesn't care if you do" (that is just talk). And also, it's not a very nice thing to do to some woman - dating her while you're still trying to get back with your SO? What does that make her - a temp ? What if she really likes you, and you get involved, and then your SO tells you she wants to get back together with you ?

If b).. Pep is right, you shouldn't use others to self-medicate your feelings of loneliness etc. They're not crutches. It might be nice at the beginning, but it's not a way to build a solid relationship.
And you're likely to not be very picky - any woman passing along that is pretty, nice and friendly will tweek those lonely heart cords. Even is she really isn't right for you (or you for her).

Just looking for someone to fill your needs is the M.O. of people who have A's. And look where that got them.

So you do the right thing - take care of yourself and learn how to be the best possible partner, not some needy soul looking for a quick fix.

Btw - I know VERY WELL that it isn't easy.
But it does pay off.