[color:"red"] The Six Deadly Symptoms

A young couple I know, Jim and Helen, have been together for just over a year. Helen, a professor of literature at a community college, has huge brown eyes and a broad, perfect smile. She was introduced to Jim at a party, and Jim seemed delightful. Tall and soft-spoken, he's a successful songwriter. The couple share a great affection for each other. However, for Helen the ease of being with Jim has been draining away. In fact, their relationship has progressed through the six stages of emotional blackmail.

To give you a clear idea of what the six emotional blackmail symptoms look and feel like, let's walk through a simplified version of a conflict that came up between Jim and Helen. You'll notice that some of the symptoms describe Jim's behavior, and some focus on Helen's.

1: A demand. Jim wants something from Helen. He suggests to her that they've been spending so much time with each other, they might as well move in together. "I practically live here already," he tells her. "Let's just make it official." Her apartment is huge, and half his things are there, he adds, so it'll be a simple transition.

Sometimes blackmailers don't verbalize what they want as clearly as Jim did, but instead make us figure it out. Jim might make his point indirectly, perhaps sulking after a friend's wedding, then letting Helen extract from him, "I wish we could be closer; I get so lonely sometimes," and eventually saying that he'd like to move in.

At first blush, Jim's suggestion sounds loving, and not like a demand at all, but it soon becomes clear that he is set in his course of action and is not willing to discuss or change it.

2: Resistance. Helen feels uncomfortable about Jim's moving in and expresses her unwillingness by telling him that she's not ready for that kind of change in the relationship. She cares deeply for him, but she wants him to have his own place.

If she were a less direct person, Helen might resist in other ways. She could withdraw and become less affectionate, or tell him that she's decided to repaint and he'll have to take his things home until the job is done. However she expresses her resistance, the message is clear. The answer is no.

3: Pressure. When he sees that Helen isn't giving him the response he wants, Jim does not try to understand her feelings. Rather, he pushes her to change her mind. At first he acts as if he's willing to talk over the issue with her, but the discussion becomes one-sided and turns into a lecture. He transforms Helen's statement of resistance into a statement of her deficiencies, and he casts his own desires and demands in the most positive terms: "I only want what's best for us. I only want to give to you. When two people love each other, they should want to share their lives. Why don't you want to share yourself with me? If you weren't so self-centered, you could open up your life a little."

Then he turns on the charm and asks, "Don't you love me enough to want me here all the time?" Another blackmailer might turn up the pressure by adamantly insisting that his moving in would improve the relationship and bring them closer. Whatever the style, pressure will come into play, though it may be cloaked in benevolent terms--for example, Jim's letting Helen know how much her reluctance is paining him.

4: Threats. As Jim continues to hit a wall of resistance, he lets Helen know there will be consequences if she doesn't give him what he wants. Blackmailers may threaten to cause us pain or unhappiness. They may let us know how much we're making them suffer. They may also try to tantalize us with promises of what they'll give us, or how much they'll love us, if we go along with them. Jim works on Helen with veiled threats: "If you can't make this kind of commitment to me after all we've meant to each other, maybe it's time for us to see other people." He doesn't directly threaten to end the relationship, but the implication is impossible for Helen to miss.

5: Compliance. Helen doesn't want to lose Jim, and tells herself that perhaps she's been wrong to say he can't move in, despite her continuing uneasy feelings. She and Jim only talk superficially about her concerns, and Jim makes no attempt to allay them. A couple of months later, Helen stops resisting, and Jim moves in.

6: Repetition. Jim's victory ushers in a quiescent period. Now that he's gotten his way, he removes the pressure, and the relationship appears to stabilize. Helen is still uncomfortable about how things have turned out, but she's also relieved to have the pressure off and to regain Jim's love and approval. Jim has seen that pressuring Helen and making her feel guilty is a sure way to get what he wants. And Helen has seen that the fastest way to end Jim's pressure tactics is to give in. The groundwork is laid for a pattern of demands, pressure and capitulation.

These six characteristics are at the heart of the emotional blackmail syndrome, and we will be returning to them and exploring them more deeply throughout this book. [/color]

The author is Susan Forward.... has anyone read this one?

Pep

No I haven't Pep, but years ago I read 'My Mother, Myself' by the same author. It was a good book from my memory, which isn't that good nowadays <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

This book sounds interesting though.....

Edited to say it WASN'T this author it was Nancy Friday... My Mother Myself....ok never mind, but I know I've read something from this author, just can't remember....
Debi

I am hoping that anyone who has been pressured into OC contact
and will read this book

Pep

emotional blackmail and POJA are polar opposites of marriage dynamics

[color:"red"] The Policy of Joint Agreement


Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement
between you and your spouse
[/color]

Issue Resolved.

Ohhh, I've got you now Peppperband.

Actually it's a great book for anyone in our 'little club' who feels blackmailed into ANY decision after the A is discovered and an oc is on the way or already here, don't you think?

POJA is a great way to recovery as long as both parties are completely honest with each other.

Sadly, often times there are lots of 'Helens' who acquiesce to their spouses ideas before any real thought is given to the issue at hand, causing many years of agony and fear to ask for a change.

This ought to be another great book for overcoming marriage problems and to help with recovery in any affair situation~

Debi

It also helps if BOTH parties are willing to abide by this rule. It cuts both ways!

TH

[color:"red"] EGG ZAK LEE [/color]

and truth be told ... this sort of decision must not be made under duress or in a big old hurry

to demand a hurried decision is most disrespectful

and is bullying behavior

Pep

Issue Resolved.

my opinions are not your business

I have had a high regard for you for how you have tried to help people, including me.

TH

PS

I was unaware of the ladies agreement about reaching out to MrsTH.

Pepperband more often than not the decisions on how to handle things are made directly after d-day when feelings and emotions are all over the place for the BS.

Well before nurturing the offended spouse.

Having been there almost 6 years ago, I remember being dizzy with requests I wasn't ready to address, wondering why my H was so foreign to my feelings (AKA- Jim), and at first wanting to do ANYTHING to remain his wife.(AKA- Helen).

With Steve Harleys great counseling and being honest with MYSELF and my H, we pulled through this *together* coming out on the other side relieved we did it.

We've passed our 32nd anniversary and are looking forward to many more years, God willing.

I've recommended this book to a friend who is only 4 mos post d-day (no oc). She's going to pick it up this week. I've 'counseled' her and her H since d-day and think they would benefit from the book. BTW they work w/Steve 1- 3 x's a week~ Another recommendation from me~

So if you have anymore great books, run them by me~

Debi

Th

fair enough

i made an edit to remove reference to you

thanks for pointing that out

Pep