Please help me keep this in perspective if I'm out of line with this.

H has history of inappropriate behavior. At least one EA not sure about PA

Anyway he is going to college and he is one of the older ones there. Met a group that he is working with and they have had several classes together.

I noticed that this one girl kept touching him. Like pushing on his arm or kind of hitting his arm, or just touching him while she talked to him and she didn't do it to the other guy there. I did have some uncomfortable moments while we were with her. Not sure if I should be concerned or not. He doesn't seem to talk about her as much as some of the other people.

Am I making to much out of this?

No you are not. What does he have to say about this touchie youngster? Is she calling him dad or honey?

L.

I don't think you are making too much out of this, either.
If she displays this sort of behavior even with you (his wife) around, she seems to have little sense of boundaries.
I'm sure SHE would be uncomfortable if you would be doing the same thing to her boyfriend (if she has/had one).
Or that your H would be uncomfortable if a man would pay you the same sort of attention, even with him around.

Have you talked to your H about boundaries?

He doesn't say much of anything about her. I haven't asked him about the touchy stuff yet because he will become defensive about it. She didn't call him anything not even his first name. We were in a very loud place so I wasn't able to hear what they said but I was watching their body language. Hers seemed more comfortable than his but he may of thought I was watching.

I might see them together this weekend but I don't know yet. What should I do or say if anything? If I say something to him about her touching so much he is going to say he can't control what she does? She is married too. However when I asked questions about her h she seemed to become sad. When I asked my h about that later he said he didn't have a clue. Help.

Yes I have talked to him about boundaries, he then tends to go way the other way and is not even friendly with women. It seems like he doesn't know how to put out an unavailable sign. The last person he was her mentor, brother I think it was.

Any suggestions on how to approach this without making him defensive?

I guess the basic rule is to start from your own feelings and be diplomatic.
As in "Honey, I feel uncomfortable when a woman..."
Rather than "Why do you let her do that?"
And think of strategies together to help prevent it.

Also "Would you feel uncomfortable if a man would do that to me in front of you?" = asking a question.
Rather than "Wouldn't you feel uncomfortable if..." = suggesting this is the only possible feeling.

Thanks for both of your input.

I need to find a creative way to put this to him. I think he was expecting me to say something the night of and even the next day about this. However I haven't.

Brownhair:
He knows I am uncomfortable with this type of behavior. We have talked about it till we are both blue in the face. I have told him that I can't handle a third time of inappropriate/EA behavior, he said one of his fears is that I'll mistake something I see. So he knows how this makes me feel. I have also tried the if another man were doing this to me and he admits it would make him uncomfortable with it.

Any creative ways of telling him what kind of message she may be sending him? When a married female is doing this to a married male does it mean they are closer than just student student relationship? I guess what does it say about their friendship/relationship?

jtd,

This is my sniff test when it comes to a spouses behavior.

Would he mind the behavior if it was completely and totally him in your shoes?

What I am reading into what you are saying is she is flirting with him. I think everyone else here can see it too. That is not acceptable in an M.

He can do something about it. He can not accept it comfortably.

See if he seemed uncomfortable with it she would probably stop.

My FWW was the same way. What can I do if a man is flirting with me. I gave her a good answer. The same thing I do when a women is flirting with me. I start talking about my wife and my children. I tell her how much I love you. That pretty much stops it.

One time I was on a reward trip and that didn't work so I took the girl and said come here. I walked over to a friend that was single. I said "he is single and I am not, have a good night". Wow she stopped flirting with me. Go figure.

The other thing is that he has had EA's. How did they start? Probably a little like what is happening now. So his expectation is for you to trust him not to do it again. I will trust you not to do it again when I see a consistent pattern of behavior that makes me believe that. You accepting this flirting does not make me believe that.

What does your H suggest YOU should do if a man starts flirting with you ?

Good post, Hurtingless.
Maybe jtd could show it to her H.
Maybe her H thinks it's "cool" to get female attention..

He has said that he trusts me implicitely and knows that I would not let down my boundaries.



Thank you I wanted to make sure I wasn't making something more than what was there. I tend to doubt myself now.



That's just it they both seemed comfortable about it. This was even done in front of my teenage daughter. The only uncomfortable time was when we were at a table and he sat beside her, however he knew at that point I was probably watching because when we went to the function and the two sat close because of the way the chairs were he wasn't uncomfortable at all.

Your above statement is what we have talked about before. I have discussed with him warning signals from other women, and that touch is one of them. Has he forgotten so soon?



I will suggest this to him.



He wouldn't do this because he doesn't want to hurt her.



They were work related. I see where he has raised his awareness at work and holds the women at work at bay. I don't think he has applied this at school now.



Thank you for putting this into words this is some of what I need.

How do I approach him without putting him in the defensive mode because he will be as soon as I tell him I was uncomfortable with it.

I am sorry to say I did do this before to see what his reaction in. It was none. He says he trusts me implicitely and knows that I keep my boundaries up and keep guys at arms length.

I said completely in your shoes. IE you had the EA.

My FWW was a flirt before the A and I hated it. When I was given details of the first night of the A my FWW told me the minute they got into the car he was all over her. I wonder why. Could it be she flirted and gave him the wrong/right signal? Yes.

So now her flirting did double duty. Harmed my ego and gave me a trigger. When we discussed it guess what she got defensive.

So finally I made it about me and only me.

Use "I" statments. "I" feel humiliated when you allow her to do that. "I" feel hurt when you allow her to do that.

Whip out a guide to flirting. I did and showed it to the FWW. Point out all of her actions that are in the guide. I think mine was in one of her womens magazines. Lean in close, make phsical contact etc. HMM

Then just tell him you really don't appreciate being treated like that. Not about him but about you.

Now as far as you thinking he would be ok with it you might be suprised. My FWW got into it quite a bit. She always said it wouldn't bother her. One night we went out and I showed interest in this women. She was very toned, more like a man then a women, I wanted to know her work out routine. No attraction at all. I personally don't like the muscular women. Boy my FWW called and end to the night and made me take her home. She was hurt and humiliated. LOL. Think I tried to say that about 50 times before. She did it after that too and that was when I finally gave up being nice and just said if you want to act single get single.

Been a while since she has done that.

Orchid: The fact that he would get defensive is his own self-incrimination. Her 'comfortable' body language shows she either is an 'easy' mark or there's been a lot of 'comfort' going on.

Do you realize the OW is trying to egg you on so you will give the WS a reason to leave? They (WS/OPs) go through elaborate schemes to make the BS think they are crazy. Just to justify the A.


Orchid: Ok since you asked I gotta tell you my idea. Not MB like but hey....she's an OW and deserves this one. LOL!!

If she's such an easy mark then maybe she'd like a bunch of other guys who like t/b touchie. Yep....go get a friend and submit her phone # to some 'place' where the OW will be kept busy (i.e # on bathroom wall 'for a good time call: 123-EASY) . <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Well I talked with him last night. I took all the suggestions and mixed them in there.

I asked him how he thought his interaction with several females in his class was. All about the same.

When we got down to the meat and bones he never noticed how she touched him. I just don't get that. He said he would pay attention during class the next time. Says that they all work in close proximity that that may be why he was so comfortable being so close to her.

One of the strange things he said was he asked why I asked about another person. Told him I was asking about all of them I wanted to see if he noticed a difference in how he interacted or they interacted with him.

He then said if he notices her touching him he will sit clear across the room. I said ok.

Hurtingless I also used the two things that you do. Then we were watching a movie and this girl comes on to this guy and she says her name to him. Well the guy said "Hi I'm married." I said yea like that.

Anyway he thanked me for coming to him and for talking to him. Guess I'm still feeling uneasy in all of this it was almost to easy.

jtd,

Good for you and good for him.

Sounds like he is willing to work with you.

That is a really good sign.

Hurtingless,

Thank you for the encouragement.

Last night he had class and we had agreed that he would be aware of her behavior and then we would talk about it when he got home and he would approach me about it instead of me asking him.

However when he got home he appeared to be very distant, got his stuff ready for work, sat down and started working on other homework. He never said a word.

He does have class again tonight with her, the classes are five hours long.

Any suggestion on what to do next?

jtd,

Sorry I missed this I went awol yesterday.


I would suggest you ask him. LOL.

If he doesn't divulge and you don't ask then what?

Just remind him he would discuss the class with you. If he gets upset then say I am sorry I just thought you would want me to remind you. I didnt' want to get upset because I know you are a man of your word and you probably just forgot. LOL.

See how that works out.

Works sometimes on my FWW.