Hi Everyone! I have been lurking here for awhile now and have made a couple of posts here and there.

My husband and I separated 2 1/2 months ago...and for 2 months my life has been a living ******. About a month ago, we decided to start working on "us" again and give us another chance. Right now we are both going to separate counseling to work on things about ourselves that we know need changing, and then will eventually go to marriage counseling.

Right now, things are kind of uncomfortable and awkward between us. My husband is more uncomfortable than I am. I think he is starting to feel guilty for the way he acted and the way he just left, instead of sitting down with me and trying to work things out together. There were a lot of hurtful things said, things that I never in a million years would have expected him to say to me. A week ago he asked for my forgiveness. We are trying to spend some time together, but right now he wants it to be together with the kids, because of how uncomfortable things are. I, on the other hand, think that it would HELP us to have some alone time and have some real intimate conversation. Our children are very small (3 under 3 yrs old!..one set of twins in there), so it's hard to get any kind of conversation going without interruption! He feels that we need to have the kids with us to help ease the uncomfortable feeling, and then once he is comfortable, we will spend some alone time together. Things DO seem to be getting less awkward, the more time we spend together, but most of our conversations tend to be just friendly B.S. chat. We recently did the questionnaires from this site and gave them to each other to read. I would like to discuss some of the things he wrote in his, but he's not comfortable to sit down and talk like that yet.

My question is, HOW do we rekindle the love that we once had? How do we find that spark again? How do we ease the awkward feelings that we have when we are together now? Any suggestions? Im not looking for anyone to analyze our relationship as it wouldnt be appropriate without all of the important details that I dont feel like typing out right now. There was no cheating, as far as I know. Just a lot of emotional baggage and a lot of arguements. One of the main problems was MY anger problem. I would get mad at him over stupid little things, or take things out on him. Im trying to work on my problems and he is trying to work on his, too. We used to be SOOO close. People used to be jealous of how closely bonded we were and now I dont know how to get that back. Any suggestions??

If you follow the 4 rules on this site - the Harley program - the result will be what you want...

1. The rule of Care - meet each others most important Emotional Needs
2. The rule of protection - Avoid Love Busters
3. The rule of time - 15 hours per week of undivided attention (no kids)
4. The rule of radical honesty

Really, check out Dr Harleys basic concepts.

Nope. No suggestions. It would be inappropriate to "shoot" without seeing a "target" first.

You state you have a problem with "anger." I don't think so. You seem to have a problem with "control." Anger is just one way in which you choose to manifest that control.

The concept of marriage embraces submission to each other. What good is the EN questionairre when someone has little intention of doing what is in the interest of the spouse unless it's to "get" something in return?

Perhaps when you "feel up to" posting some real details we may be able to offer some real suggestions. By the way, do you also NOT tell your IC what's really going on, just doling out the info about your relationship, when, and if, you "feel like it?"

Hiding behind issues like "I have an anger problem" is trying to treat the symptom, not the underlying disease. Sort of like taking cough medicine to treat a cough caused by lung cancer.

Last bit of "suggestion" to consider. All IC does is work on the INDIVIDUAL. While that might be needed, it does NOT work on the individual (one flesh) of marriage. IF you both want to try to save your marriage, you both need to be in joint Marriage Counseling (no secrets from each other, but all in the open as a couple, not as an individual with "my" and "your" problems). They are "OUR" problems.

Good luck!