Just talked to H - for the first time in days - we actually kind of talked about what's going on. Mainly H told me how I am the problem - not him - and he can't fix me and he's ready to quit on me. When I mentioned that maybe we could go to MC, H said he would only go if I went and "fixed" myself first. Towards the end of our very short discussion I asked H if he could promise that he would go to MC with me if I went first by myself and took care of some things. H told me that he won't promise anything. I guess that's my answer. I really don't think H wants me or this marriage anymore. He can't see anything that I've done to try to make this marriage work. All he sees is that the problem in our marriage is me. I don't even know how to feel anymore.


beginning of this thread on emotional needs

Help me out.....who is the WS?

L.

I'm sorry. It's H. I have another thread on emotional needs. Here's waht I had on my other thread.


[Somebody out there - please help me. What do you do when your spouse just refuses to speak to you? What do you do when your spouse absolutely, positively will not resolve problems with you because he thinks it's all your fault and you're the only one who needs "fixing"? I'm desperate and falling apart. H just won't communicate with me anymore and I can't handle it anymore. I can't stand the silence. I try to resolve an argument adn he just gets up and walks away. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help. Please.

Okay. First of all thank you all for responding. Let me go ahead and explain what happpened that led to the last argument/non-speaking episode.

In the past I have been confrontational and sorts with H when asking about something having to do with our relationship. I have gotten counseling, and I have worked really hard on being non-confrontational. What happened was that I had asked H about a conversation that happened between H and my sister's H. They were talking about my brother's girlfriend, and I asked H what all they said about her and how she came up. They have had conversations among themselves before about her, that have led to arguments between my sis and her H. I have always let it go and not even mentioned to my H. There's a whole long history behind this, it involves my brother being unhappy about our H's and their constant checking his girlfriend out and talking about her, etc. Anyhow, I did have a tone this time, without meaning to. H got extremely mad and told me I was childish for even asking. I felt that since it does have to do with my brother, for once I deserve to know whtat they were discussing and how the topic of her even came up. H got mad, mentioned divorce, told me to shut up, & went to bed. End of discussion. Next day, he refused to speak to me. I had to apologize, and still it took the entire day before he would even talk to me about little things. Last night, I took a chance and went to him and asked him why he got so extremely mad. I could see him getting angry, but not so angry (over something so minor in my opinion) that he had to mention divorce. Well, he got very angry the minute I was done asking my question, and said that if I didn't know that I was stupid and got up to walk away (which he always does). I asked him, as calmly as I could, why he was walking away and H said that it was because he didn't want to get so mad at me that he wouldn't be able to stand being around me. That's when I broke and said that how could an argument be fixed if there's no communication and H told me that I'm the one that needs to be fixed, and walked away. All day today he hasn't said anything to me, and I've stopped trying to talk.

[Also, look at what you say when you approach your H. If you approach him with a question that begins with "why" then it kind of puts the other person on the defensive. Learn to make I statements i.e. ]

growth - I've tried this in the past. I've stopped trying this approach, because H would always get angry with me and tell me I needed to stop "feeling" things because they were wrong.

Do we talk about other things? Only what H wants to talk about. My interests are of no interest to him - haven't been for years. I've tried to take interest in the things that he likes, but I've grown to resent the take, take, take, and no give back attitude of H's.

This has been going on for so long, that I jsut can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do or how to approach someone so unapproachable and cold.

[Fourthly, set up a time once a week where the two of you can talk about your relationship for an hour. Just about your relationship; not your house, or job, or kids, or in-laws, or the upcoming vacation. Just talk about your relationship, and how to improve it. Don’t talk about it outside of that hour. ]

ag - I've tried talking to him about our relationship, but he never wants to hear it. He always says that everything is just fine.


To add to all of it, there's been absolutely no affection - kissing, hugging, SF, etc., from H at all, over the last 3 weeks. I've tried, and he's just pulled away.

Right now I do feel desperate and panicky and hopeless. And very, very confused as to what to do next. ]


I could use advice from anyone. I haven't slept or been able to eat. I'm just so confused.

During our discussion, H said something about the fact that I probably feel pretty lonely. Before I could respond to that and tell him that I always feel that way anyway with him, he proceeded to tell me that he's felt taht way over the last 7 yrs. w/me. That's our whole marriage. We've been married for 7 yrs. And now it jsut seems like there's nothing left to it. I don't know how to save our marraige.

LLH3... To clarify Orchid's question: Has there been an affair? Who was the wayward spouse (WS) and who was the betrayed spouse (BS)?

The GQ2 forum, while the most active one here, generally deals with infidelity (that's why it's under the infidelity heading). I'm not sure if the person over at Emotional Needs (EN) who suggested you post it here realizes that.

On the feelings part - where he says you need fixing and shouldn't "feel" a certain way - I can relate. It took some MC for both of us and IC for me to get past that. I learned that yes, I sometimes take things too personally, but H also learned that some of his actions are indeed hurtful. So we're both getting better at stuff, and give each other positive reinforcement.

I personally think this thread fits better on the EN board, unless of course there was an A (affair).

This sounds like there may be someone else in the picture.