First time on the board, been married 11 years, separated almost 1 year, 2 children (6,9), WWF 40, BS 45, she is native of northern Ireland, me Iranian by birth.

My story is very long please bare with me, the first 5 years of marriage was great, I had good job as a manger, comfortable life style, big house etc,etc, unfortunately I got my pink paper when the my line of business went to recession, I got depressed and instead of get up and go I felt sorry for myself, then unfortunately my mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer, I think this is where my marriage stated to go wrong, I was too busy with my own problems which meant I ignored my wife’s pain, we got very distant, I neither gave her emotional support and in return I did not get any from my wife, after one year of being unemployed I got a new job and my mother-in-law recovered , for while our life started to get back to normal, or at least I thought it was normal, but there was no physical side to our marriage, I made the classic mistake of demanding, and when my requests fell on the deaf ear, I abused her emotionally, called her unkind names etc, this went on for anther 4 years, now looking back we were both lived as room mates, i bought her a business because she wanted some financial independence, and this time we wanted to have a back up plan just in case I loose my job, I gradually started to see some change in her you know the classic signs of affair , loosing weight, new music, new outfit, going out with girls, more willing to have sex, I just could not believe my luck, I thought things are looking up, what a fool!!!, one night I went to bed with a headache, she came after while and she woke me up, I lashed out at her, and called her some unkind names, that where everything started to go bad, she lashed back, and she went totally into withdrawal state, we always had rows, but we managed to make up but this time was different, I knew something was wrong, I tried to bring her out form her withdrawal state, with no success, then, one Sunday afternoon I was tiding our bedroom, I heard a a faint noise of cell phone ringing in her bag, I went to get it for her, and you guessed it, it was not her normal mobile phone, my world crashed down , I saw this guys name and number on her cell phone, I took the phone down and I asked her, to explain, she denied everything, normal replies, it is not what you think, we are just friend etc, I would not have any one it, she become very sheepish, since she did not want me to tell her parents, I like a fool said I wont say anything, but I asked her to go counselling, she refused, but I went there by myself, situation got worse, she did not want to be in the same room as me, 2 month after discovery, I could not take it anymore, I wish I would have came across MB then, I moved out to give her space, bad move I know, I told her mum she did not believe me, I tried to reconcile she would not have it, I saw lawyer to see what I can do, I was given bad advise and went for the legal separation, she and I originally agreed how we will split our assets, since I could not afford to pay for our house loan and pay rent at the same time, I thought if she thinks about losing her house she might come to her senses, this did not work quite a opposite she was all for it, anyways, my lawyer told what I agreed with her was too much and I should go back on my agreement with her, I believed him, so I went back on my words she got very angry to cut long story short after the court hearing , the court awarded her what she and I agreed originally, anyway , the house was sold she went to her new place, it was then I started talking to Steve Hartley, he recommend I should try plan A, boy it was hard, but now and again I could see a smile and acknowledgement from her, I thought things are looking up, how wrong I was, one night I was talking to her about the kids, and she was not very happy, I asked her what is wrong and she said nothing and it is her problem, so I left it, i have access to her email, which she did not know, I came across a email about her appointment with an abortion clinic, oh my god, I felt numb, did not know what to do, I phoned her and asked her directly she laughed and denied it, I said I am here to help, she told me I am imagining stuff, I said ok have it your way, and said goodbye, she phoned back in floods of tear, she said yes I was right , she told me it was big mistake, she said she did not want her mother to find out, I said I will help her, she said why do I want to help her I said because I still love her, she shouted me and said I do not want to hear this, anyway, I went to see her that night she was in bits, I begged her not go through with it, she said this does not have anything to do with me, i phoned the OM , he first denied it, and gave me some BS, the cowered did not have a gut to admit it, he must have told her I phoned him, she panicked and asked me to go and see her, she basically did not want me to tell her parents, I foolishly agreed, talking about BS in fog!!! Anyway I made arrangements to picked the kids up when she went to England to have an abortion, before she went I hugged her and said she will be ok, she said she does not need my blessing, etc, I cleaned the house and bought her bunch of flowers, and I welcomed her back, no thanks no nothing, I thought to myself this is break I needed, so tried hard on my plan A, she started talking to me about the kids and how difficult they are to live with , and she said they are very much anti her, I reassured her that this is not the case, I still continued with my plan A , I did it for around 5 months, I was mentally drained, Steve H, suggested to ask her to come to consoling, she refused again she said no point and she want to be with him, I just had enough, I talked over with Steve H . for Plan B, we both agreed the timing was right, so the D-day was 4 weeks ago, I wrote Plan B letter, which copied from various other Plan B letters on the MB, and I told her I will not be helping her with her business and etc, I exposed her to her family, but the knew about the affair anyway , I did not tell them about the abortion, I send the copy of the letter to OM, and also I explained my position to her family, she phoned me and clearly she was not happy, I said I do not wish to talk to her, I said everything in the letter, she sent me email I did not reply, I carried on, then I decided to expose him to his family with all the fact, affair , abortion etc, last Saturday, oh boy the I think I started 3rd world war, they were not happy, OM went mad and came to my house, he wanted to talk, at the time I had my kids with me. I said no and he has to come back when the kids are not here, he said, why I told his parents, I replied why not, anyway, I phoned her told her to call her dog off, she told me I ruined everything, why I am having go at his family it was her who did the affair, I said why not, people are in title of knowing the truth, anyway the OM and I agreed to meet on Sunday, he came she was with him, surprise, surprise, he was very angry, he got me by the throat, and wanted to hit me, she sat in the car and said nothing, I did not hit back, I told him has he come here to talk or fight, I said to him nothing he can do to me that will hurt me anymore, I think he was taken back by my clam response, eventually she called her dog off, she told me is over, no way on this earth she wants to be back, then OM asked me questions, he asked me why I send him the copy of the letter and told his parents, I asked him what he would have done if he was in my position, I told him because I want my family back, he said but she does not want you, I said I know , then he asked my what about the children, I said what about them, what has it got to do with him, he is single man, with no children how on earth he would know, he did not answer, then I told him the reason he is angry, because I hurt his family, I asked him how does that feel, no answer, I said yes it is not nice is it, I told him he is the one I do feel sorry for , he asked me why, I explained my wife to use him to get out the marriage and get back at me, and I equally used him to get back at her, he said we all winners then, stupid man, he never got it, I had to point out him the common factor of being used, he offered to shake my hand, I refused, then something strange happened in me, do not why, up till that moment I thought I hated him, i actually realised I did not , I told him that, he was stunned, I told him, they are both adulteress, he responded and said this is very polite word for it, now I was stunned, I looked across she had her head down when I mentioned it, he tried again to give me advise about my children, I firmly but politely I asked him not lecture me about fatherhood, since he has no children of his own, he never said anything, now I know it is over, my marriage is dead, now I know I do not love her anymore and do not feel the pain as such, my question to the forum is where do I go from here, plan A did not work, Plan B backfired, now what

You didn't plan b at all as far as I can see in your narrative.

Give it a real go and see what happens. Truly NO CONTACT with her or him - get an intermediary to handle the visitation. Get a life, be attractive. But very out of reach.

NorthernIrish,

I think you did the right thing by fully exposing the affair. The reason why it was the right thing is because it was the best avenue available to perhaps save your marriage. Exposure puts tremendous stress on your wife’s affair and that stress is the best possible way to end it. When asked by your wife or the OM why you exposed the best answer was "I did it because I'm trying to save my family".

It is easy to see in your post how you have come to terms with the abusive way that you treated your wife but make no mistake; it was her who elected to have an affair. You can and should feel remorse for your past actions but do not blame yourself for her actions, they belong to her. Regardless of the final outcome you must take this experience and use it to shape your future self.

I sometimes wish that I could tell every couple I know about the things I’ve learned from this website and marriage counseling. This place teaches a person how to love and why to love. They are the things that far to few couples know or understand. You were once in that group. I doubt you will ever be there again. Your separated wife lies outside this body of knowledge. I read in your post that you encouraged her to attend marriage counseling but she would have no part in it. That is not surprising as she views everything you say with great suspicion as, in her eyes you are the enemy trying to deny her happiness. Remember this in your future conversations with her.

One important thing that Plan B is designed to do is to preserve the eroding love of your wife that YOU still maintain. Eventually you too, will fall out of love with your wife. It is the way of things.

You think your Plan B has backfired but it is much too early to make that final conclusion. Plan B is a long-term approach and although it is a “last hope” I encourage you to not fully give up. Some important points to remember in future conversations with your wife:

1. It is not your intention to deny your wife a life of happiness, you are just pursuing your own.
2. She will gain huge benefits from marriage counseling with or without you regardless if the marriage survives. (A third party should suggest this idea).
3. People are NOT chosen by love instead they choose TO love. That is why we ALL own our own decisions. (She might learn this from a skilled marriage counselor but if you propose it to her it will sound self-serving).
4. Let her see only the more knowledgeable you. The person who understands how fragile relationships are and who is learning how to best nurture and care for something so precious.
5. Let her know that she is welcome into your life but there are conditions. The most important is that she not be involved with another man. Other then that, you will treat her at arms length.

I have more to say but I must run. Think about some of the advice given to you by Steve Harley. Explore that advice in this forum with others and some new insights might surface.

I feel for what you are going through but remain vigilant in your objectives.

Mr. G