Ugh. NC broken. By WH. He admitted it, no prompting from me as I had no idea.
Checked his cell/txt log today as it was finally available online and he only called OW the night he said he did. WH had been out that evening with friends, drinking was involved, I was with DD for a birthday sleepover at a hotel. They spoke for 45 minutes. Ouch.

WH told me he called OW, told me it was stupid and he was drunk, told me OW tried to txt a few times after and he ignored them. WH told me how sorry he was and that it will not happen again. This all gells with the call logs. Great, so nice that WH is being honest. Whatever. I am PI$$ED. I am angry and upset and just generally TIRED of this #$%^. I mean, am i supposed to be supportive that WH is telling me this and being honest?? I just dont know anymore. To make matters worse, OW is still attempting contact via txt as recently as 9/21!! The 'drunk dials' were back on 9/10.

I have not been so tempted until now to call OW and tell her though i know WH called she needs to stop the continued attempts right NOW...but that is not a good idea, is it?? OW would tell WH immediatly anyway...but I so want to call her...ugh.

well, as far as her contacting him... how about he just changes his phone number. Real simple and effective.

As far as his breaking NC when he was drunk... and obviously feeling emotional... I would be VERY worried about that... even if he was honest. That to me is a major red flag. And what is your H... a grown man... doing getting drunk!? You have a child... he's an adult.. he has no business out in a bar getting drunk with his friends! JMHO

I asked if he would elect to block her #'s from his cell and he said that he does have some self control...lol. I mentioned that he didn't have any the night he was out and he agreed but repeated that it was stupid of him and that he wouldn't do it again. He was honest about the 9/21 txts, told me that OW had attempted contact again and that he ignored...(call log substantiates)
As far as going out and drinking --- a very very rare occurance for WH - he never really goes out. Not that that means its ok to get drunk, but I don't even remember the last time WH went out with friends. Still, an idiotic move.

Good morning! I would suggest another NC letter. Also, I would thank FWH for his honest. I understand that you are upset and YES, it was studip for him to do, but it is trying to be honest adn not hide his actions.

It seems to me that he is willing to accept the consqences for his actions.

MPELE- He "owned" it! That's a lot more that I can say for some OWH's I've seen!

Try to calm down...you are still moving in the right direction!

Thanks Rinderella, i always appreciate your advice...and will take it!
Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in breathe out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you very much! You do your best to have a wonderful day!

And give FWH a hug, he's trying to make up! Maybe a big kiss too! LOL

MP:

Sorry I don't know your situation but I will share this very important information with you.

In order for there to be TRUE RECOVERY, all means of contact with the OP has to be blocked.

Your WH most definitely has to change his cell phone number or she will definitely call him and he will call or text or whatever her. This is not at all surprising.

Your WH will remain ADDICTED to the OW FOR LIFE as clearly stated by Dr. Harley in SAA.

So along with the NC LETTER all means of contact have to be blocked.

You can help your WH with this. If this is early recovery for you, he is an EMOTIONAL WRECK and remains FOGGY and highly tempted to contact her. HE DOES NOT HAVE SELF-CONTROL just like an ALCOHOLIC cannot have SELF-CONTROL at a bar. It would be helpful if he can understand this about himself as the reason for his inability to stop contacting her.

This is an absolute insult to you! He is refusing to do what is necessary to STOP her from even having the ability to contact him... because he still wants contact. If he didn't, HE would have suggested changing his number... he would have never called her...the number needs to be changed immediately.
And your H should not be out drinking with his friends right now. He has shown himself to not be trustworthy enough to be in a situation where his already suspect judgement is impaired by alcohol. Sorry, but IMHO, that is just not acceptable and you are giving him too much rope at this point.... and he diefinitely has not earned it.

I ABSOLUTELY AGREE WITH THIS!!

I would only add that this is NOT AT ALL SURPRISING.

If this is not nipped in the bud, IMMEDIATELY, the A will be back in full swing, MP... and this will be a FALSE RECOVERY for you. Well, actually, it is FALSE RECOVERY...until your marriage is FULLY PROTECTED....



And also during recovery, there should be no nights out for him as indicated by MK. All of your RECREATIONAL TIME should be spent together.

Have you read the RULES OF RECOVERY? These should be followed to a T.

MPELE-Please use your gut feeling. You know your WH better than anyone.

I can tell you this...I allowed my FWH to go out. I knew who he was with (friends of our M), and I would call to check on him. We are doing very good now!

Rin:

I hear that you mean well but MP's WH doesn't need to be GIFTED with going out with friends at this point.

He has owned up to breaking No Contact.

I feel so seriously about this because I don't want you to make the mistakes I made...

Living through at least TWO FALSE RECOVERIES was sooo painful. The biggest mistake that I made was not being INSISTENT about blocking all means of contact. Even at the beginning of this last TRUE RECOVERY, my H, who was extremely addicted to the OW, tried to maintain some means of contact. I changed the CELL PHONE NUMBER MYSELF..that very day....

I hate to even recall those times... YUCK!!!!

Well, Good Morning, mimi! I hope that you are well!

I completely understand your POV and if it were not for MBers like yourself I would not be where I am today. However, I do feel that not allowing him to go out and blocking cell phone number, changing the number is not giving him the opportunity to prove himself. That's why I suggest MPELE using her own judgement with our suggestions, her gut feeling knowing her H.

Was it okay for you if your H went out drinking? Was it okay with you if your H got drunk? Just because you think that your H was to be trusted and you never caught him doing anything he shouldn't have been doing while out with his friends... does not mean that it is a good idea for her H to be out in a situation where he has already proven himself to be untrustworthy. It is a recipe for disaster.

My gut feeling re: the going out is that it didn't bother me..why? Because FWH truly never does it; he did go and meet some friends that evening, but now it will be a good 6+ months before he may go anywhere again...and before and after that FWH and i have gone out together, just the two of us, or with friends...so we are spending quality time together. i think what bothers me the most and is something many of you would echo, is that the one time he DID go out, he had contact with OW. So now i am put in the position to wonder if there will be contact in the future...No, i am not put in that position, HE put me in the position. But its up to me to get some ba^^s, set some boundaries, and make it so that there is no chance of contact, ever again, PERIOD.

You really must be joking about this. You feel that changing numbers or blocking her calls is the wrong move because it allows an opportunity for her H who just broke NC to prove himself? Please tell me you are kidding.

Oh, and one more thing to add - FWH is currently home, looking for a new job, as his office closed end of Aug.

Now, that seems like a recipe for disaster in additional C with OW, right? FWH home most of the day, bored sometimes, thinking about things, etc etc.

I installed a keylogger and have been monitoring daily when i can get on our home PC --- since installation (FWH has NO idea it's on there) there has been no evidence of any contact via the home PC with OW.

I agree with MK that this is a "recipe for disaster".

A FWS early in recovery needs to PROVE HIMSELF by showing a primary commitment to the marriage and to NO CONTACT. This takes MAJOR EFFORT and WORK. It did for my FWH. When he was serious, really serious about RECOVERY, he began spending most if not all of this time with ME and on showing that he was SORRY about what he did. He knew that he had to WORK REAL HARD at NO CONTACT. The OW will be doing everything in her power to get to your H, MP. It will take you two working together to combat her EVIL POWER..it's what I call it..over your H.

Rin, you seem to be BLESSED by a special situation....

MP's H seems to be hollering out for her help with this.

I think MP should stand firm about not putting up with any contact and speaking to her wish for her H to make WORKING ON THE MARRIAGE his PRIMARY FOCUS right now.

He may be trying to medicate his WITHDRAWAL with the alcohol..when that doesn't work he medicates with CONTACT...again I say, this leads him right back into the AFFAIR.

My biggest mistake... ENABLING the AFFAIR by not standing up against it.....

FIGHT FOR YOUR HUSBAND..FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!!!

"You feel that changing numbers or blocking her calls is the wrong move because it allows an opportunity for her H who just broke NC to prove himself? "

I did not say wrong. Furthurmore, each of our situation are different, that is why I suggested she use HER own judgement.

I respect your opinion and understand that your sitch is different from that of my own. I also feel that people's personal definition of drunk can be different.

Of course, this is just my honest opinion.

As a former cop... I will tell you that there is no "personal" definition of drunk! That is just a childish defense used by the idiots that act out when they have had too much to drink.

MPELE- What did you mean my drunk?

MEDC- When I think drunk, I think stumbling and falling over, incoherent speech. When I think tippies, I think the person just had one or two drink, still impaired to drive.