In the TKO thread you wrote this: "If you can end the affair and follow the MB program, you will end up crazy about each other again. Or maybe that's just crazy."

Can you or anyone else elaborate on the "MB program" in terms of "recovery". My W and I are recovering but not really following any program other than our plans for meeting each others needs. We did some counselling sessions with SteveH but stopped at some point after a long vacation and some busy weeks (I guess I let it slide and didn't schedule another session) Things do seem to be going well though.

I sometimes wonder if there is more we should be doing. Plan A and Plan B are very well explained but what are we supposed to do in Recovery? I trust her more but its because I am verifying (spying) though it is less and less. I wonder if we should be talking about things more but its hard to avoid stirring up very bad feelings; any time we get near the past stuff, she gets pretty upset.

What are the essential parts of the MB "recovery" program?

Hi normalguy -

Big Kahuna will (I'm quite sure) answer this, but he's on the other side of the world from the US, so it's nighttime where he is (and a day ahead).

One of the things that is outlined in SAA is the 4 rules of marriage:

1. The rule of protection. Do everything you can to not be the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.
2. The rule of care. Meet your spouse's most importan emotional needs.
3. The rule of time. Give your spouse your undivided attention (at least 15 hours/week).
4. The rule of honesty. Be completely honest with your spouse.
Recovery After an Affair

All this takes place after withdrawal is complete.

One thing to bear in mind is that, IMO, you will have to discuss things that are painful in order to understand wher you both went wrong, and how to avoid doing that in the future. It will not be enjoyable, and it may cause some tension, but it will be worth it.

In my (fairly limited) experience, I'm willing to take the occasional periods of conflict, because it's better than withdrawal (where the spouse's withdraw from each other) and sets the ground for rebuilding intimacy.

You might want to limit relationship talk to a short time frame once/week. When you do engage in relationship talk, do so in a safe environment.

Both of you need to be able to say what is on your mind in a safe and loving atmosphere. That means being both comfortable with speaking your mind, and hearing what is on your spouse's mind. Own what is yours, let your spouse own what is theirs.

My wife and I are still in the early stages of recovery. These things take time...a lot of time. BK has told me several times that recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. View it as a verb - it is something that you do. Just like love. Recovered is a state of existence that recovering will get you too.

I hope this helps.

Thanks! Things have been gowing absolutely great in terms of us both trying to meet each others needs and avoid LBs I think. But I feel the need to start talking about some of these concepts (especially protection and POJA) at some point.

I think I am afraid of totally letting my guard down because I'm afraid it could happen again some day. I've also had several disturbing dreams recently in which I cheat on her. I want us to get to the point where we feel like we can talk to each other about anything too.

Should we get back into counselling? Should I try to show her this stuff and study it and discuss it together? I guess I should try and if we run into problems then go back to counselling.

Hi Normalguy.

What HealingBird has posted to you is pretty much what I would have posted.

Protection is infact avoiding LoveBusters. POJA is a method of negotiation in marriage.

MrsKahuna and I purchased the Marriage Builders Home Study Audio Course. It's very good and leads you through the whole Marriage Builders program. As Bird said, we are in Australia otherwise we would have counselled with the Harleys. That course is the next best thing.

I totally get where you are coming from with regards to letting your guard down again. Trusting again takes time and consistency. You should never blindly trust again though ever.

Does your wife post here on MB? It helped my wife a lot interacting with other FWW's. Is she familiar with the Harley philosophy? Have you printed out the articles and FAQ's? Harley makes a lot of stuff available here totally free. Has she read any Harley books?

Lots of resources available.

If we had a MB counsellor on d-day we would have used him/her. We were counselled by our local church pastor - pretty useless. MB took us where we needed and wanted to go.

I hope this helps you.