We're dealing with OW in this court thing because she got caught trespassing and slashing my FWH's tires. My lawyer says that I should play smart and not let my emotions lead this. He worries about a lawsuit and us spending good money over bad. He also figures if our goal is to be rid of OW then we should not proceed in further complications and charges.

He does validate me and the harm that has been done, but he believes the best legal advice he can give me is to have some type of agreement with her lawyer and her.

Anyway it just ticks me off. I know that I can't do to her what I would like (jail and throw away the key). So he says it would be counterintuitive to continue with vandalism charges. On some logical level I agree, but it still irritates the he** out of me.

He's also got like an assistant lawyer that is interested in the case. She wanted to review everything that OW has sent us over the last 1 1/2 years. Well so I go through the stuff and send it to her. But here it comes...the anger. It just hit me and then I'm back in a bad place where my FWH is concerned.

Gee I really thought I had that under control. I guess not. I started reading their IMs to eachother and I start to wonder why I'm with a man that would do those things to me. A man that would trash me and tell my deepest personal things to another woman. It got me all riled(sp?)again.

I just don't look at him the same way.

He is trying soooo hard and he seems to be happy.


I know that I shouldn't read those things, but I had to so I could send the assistant what she wanted. I just thought that I had read them so many times early on that they would not hurt any more. NOT.

I know, I have taken a deep breath. It just that this anger is pissing me off! LOL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Hi MicheleG,

you know - in my experience emotional stuff that isn't (completely) dealt with seems to get caught in little time capsules.
All the emotions, memories, up to smells & sounds for some, are stored in the capsule, and don't change over time.
Until because of some trigger the capsule pops and the emotion comes rushing back.

My point is - it's NORMAL.
MB is a great place to vent, isn't ?
And luckily it also helps to really get it out of our system over time (lots of time).

Good luck with the court case.

Thanks brownhair,

Yes MB is a GREAT PLACE!!!

It just gets frustrating...when you think some things are done with...and then ...they're not.

And the court thing is bugging me. What I'd like to do and what the court will do are 2 different things. Our goal is NC with OW and I do think we'll get that, so I have to keep the emotions out of it... I know.

logic logic logic

I'm just so glad that I can post here and someone understands.

I had a wonderful friend who quit practicing law because she's a genuinely happy person who is very invested in seeing other people be happy too - and there was just no way in the legal sense of the word that everyone could be happy - she gave me some of the best advice I've ever received about this kind of offensive behavior...


You know - the person who had harmed us when I went to her for advice - it took ten years for the karma-kind of justice to deliver his consequences. The man made millions of dollars taking advantage of students. He sold his private school last Spring and within 30 days was FIRED by the new owner. Every time during those ten years that he sought to engage us, we said, "Bring it on", knowing that we had more on him than he was comfortable bringing us into court over what he thought he had on us.

We deliberately CHOSE OUT of the conflict, seeking instead the best revenge - to live well.

If you have reported her to the CG and been depositioned, you've probably prepared yourself for the next step - to let her go, and eventually forgive her pathetic-ness.

Vent away Michelle, and when the anger has once again subsided...well, then it will have subsided again. Nothing wrong with feeling strong emotions, we need to feel them in order to heal them.

I rec'd similar advice as Kayla did from an atty friend of mine, regarding some property my ex conned me out of.

Every now and then it sneaks up on me and all that anger comes back, and I know that a year in court fighting over it, in front of a jury might have gotten my property back, or at the very least the money it was worth...

This atty friend of mine said that emotionally the trial would have harmed me much more than what was done already...

Life is unfair, but when we learn to roll with the punches instead of punching back, it gets a little less painful, I think.

Where do these nuts keep coming from anyway? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

KaylaAndy and Weaver,

My attorney also gave me such advice. They must see alot of this and come to realize the energy expended isn't worth it in the end. What do we really gain? My attn'y said keep the emotions out of it and be smart. Look at your goal and what you value.

I've wanted this chapter in my life to be something that I could look back on and be proud of how I handled it, that I didn't stoop low or change my value system. But I find it very difficult to keep the feelings of revenge out of it.

Because this particular situation has gotten a little bit public for the people in this circle, I'm even feeling peer pressure now. I've had 2 people I barely know come up and tell me they support me 100% and to go for it. That's their agenda and it's difficult to maintain my own. Even on our forum we frequent, the OW is being defended, as if she is a victim (the whole truth is not out...someone keeps posting bits of info from the city's govt site). So I'm angered at that. I want the world to know that SHE IS NOT THE VICTIM....but then again I don't want the world to know. It is private. And if all of it got out, my H would suffer in some fashion.

It's all very frustrating.

I think it's my pride getting in the way again I guess.

Weaver how do you let that anger go about your property? Do you still believe the choice of not going to trial was the right one?

I appreciate the input, it really does help me sort this sordid thing out.

Yes, I still feel it was the right one however most people (like in your case) I know would like to see me go after him. Nobody likes to see the bad guy win, but I know as Kayla said that they don't really win.

I think you have the right attitude but in your case it would be very hard because your H played a part in it as well, at least in the past, and he is responsible...you however were the innocent party in all of this, and also the one who must constantly fight an inner battle of a multitude of emotions, not only anger.

The statement you made which was something to the effect of how can I stay with this man who would do this is probably at the core of most of the other emotions.

You stay with him bcause you see the big picture, because you love and forgive, because this is what you want ultimately, to remain married and keep your family intact. Very worthy reasons, and probably the most worthy of all possible reasons for doing anything...for what you see as the greater good, so you let go of the wrongs and keep moving forward.

For me it was a lesson learned. I was involved with a bad person who unknown to me was married when I met him. I had some big lessons to learn. And I did. I should thank him.

For the majority of you on the board, I have an incredibly hard time seeing what lessons it is that you are to learn in your sitch's. It's hard when you see someone who did everything they were supposed to do and still got hurt so terribly.

You are right, it is frustrating, sitch's like yours.

Depak Chopra says the only way to heal is to let the emotions come up, name it, feel it, and then let it go. That's what I try to do.

Weaver I get so tired of all those emotions. I've learned that getting anger out is not easy. I'm not sure I know a proper way to do it. The rest of the emotions come and go. I can handle them for the most part. I've gotten stronger and wiser. It comes down to the anger.

I know I feel it, I know what it is and why it is there, I just don't know HOW to let that go. I've done the yelling thing...I just feel bad afterward. And it isn't gone. I've stuffed it so not to punish him. But then I get angry at myself for not being my own advocate. And then I've just talked about it, calmly. But inside I'm not calm. It almost makes it worse.

It must be the Irish in me.LOL!

And as far as lessons learned...I will always follow my gut instincts. I will never blindly trust. I will not be scared of what the future holds. I will know that true happiness comes from within and I will be ok no matter what.

So I'll try what you do. I'll name it, feel it and send it on it's merry way.

Thanks for letting me bend your ear.