Is it possible that a wayward husband really did fall in love with the OW. Does that happen. But, they also still love their wife. I guess i am just wandering can you be in love with two people at once

Quite a few think they are in love with the OP. Hence the "infamous" line that is often heard, "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you."

They are most often "cakeeaters" who get SOME of their "needs" met from both "plates." Many are convinced they are in love with the OP, but after recovering their marriage most, if not all, former Wayward Spouses will tell you that what they "thought" was love was infatuation at best, and a "sick fantasy" at worst.

True love is much deeper than glandular responses and the "tinglies." True love is an action verb, a choice, a doing for another in humble submission and love for them, not in anticipation of "what's in it for me."

God bless.

Hey snr <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Glad to see you still here.

How ya doing?

Are issues cropping up again, or are you just wondering?

You are coming up on your 6 month mark from D-day. That is a tough time. It was crazy for me, I remember.

I think they are more in love with the fantasy, the excitement, etc. But yeah in a way it is love, I guess.

How are the little ones?

Are you and Mr. SNR working on recovery together? Are you meeting one another's emotional needs?

Hang in there, SNR. Tomorrow is the 15 month mark for me and it really really does get better.

MF - I really think you need to stop counting.

Yes, it is possible. But is it probable... not really. More likely he is in love with the idea of being in a new "love." Most likely that will fade over time... but there are FWW's on this site that are married to their A partners... and seem to be in love... yuck... so, I guess anything is possible.

Yes it happens. Some are so 'in love' with the OP that they leave their spouse and children for them.

And please note that it isn't just WHs, but WWs, too.

My WXH has been gone for almost 18 months now, living with the OW, and we were divorced in July. He is going to marry her and start a new family as soon as the divorce finances are sorted out, or so I hear.

They are still as 'in love' now as they were when he left.

Alph.

In the long run iIthink definitely no. Look at the film stars who were the first ones to start divorcing first of all they' d to be with a newer younger model and then again and again still not finding whatever it was they were looking for. Now it is not uncommon amongst the rest of us to be up to marriage no 4,5 or even 6 .
Reality defeats the purpose each time. They are running so fast to escape but it always catches up in the end the fallout of trainwreck to the lives of others must eventually break through .
We have friends who were the greatest love story who broke up two families to be together their relationship was kept afloat in a sea of alcohol a very sad picture n'es ce pas ?

Actually, that sounds just like WXH and Omelette! He was a boarderline alcoholic when he left (blamed me, of course) and quite overweight because of it. Now he's even heavier (so is Omelette) so I assume they are still knocking it back.

I am so glad to have his drinking out of the house.

Alph.

Moveforward

For the most part we are doing very well considering. It has been a long road, but the best for me and my family. We can have very in depth conversations now without anger and mad emotions. He has told me that he still has love for her, but he loves me and here is where he wants to be. I understand that because he has known her for a long time even before me. She is how we met. He was supposed to get a vesectomy after our son but she of course talked him out of it. I asked him the other day about it and he said he still needed time to make sure we are going to work. I understand partly but on the other side it hurts. He and our are doing a lot of activities as a family and seperate. I know he is who I want to be I just don't know how long I can take with him not knowing for sure we will work out. He says that most of the time he knows. Is this normal...am i just expecting too much too soon. My children are wonderful...my daughter is almost 20 months and my son is 7 months...Thanks for asking

Well, that depends on what you mean by "fall in love." As ForeverHers pointed out, love is an active, not a passive emotion.

If you feel you are incredibly drawn to someone, that they seem almost impossibly wonderful, that you are helpless to resist the attraction, that you get goosebumps in their presence, that their faults are insignificant or non-existent, then chances are you are in the state that Dr. Pittman calls "in love" and what others often refer to as infatuation.

This is not a lasting love. Real love is an act of will. It relies on an acknowledgment and acceptance of the foibles and faults of another, with a commitment to love that person despite disagreements or conflicts.

Pittman notes that many marriages begin with the "in love" state but eventually mature to real love.

But the "in love" state or infatuation rarely leads to a successful love between affair partners because part of the thrill of the affair is in the secrecy and deception maintained by the cheaters. The foundation of the relationship is fantasy and lies. The fantasy breaks down but the lies remain bringing a feeling of guilt between one or both parties to the affair.

endorsed everything that H45 said.

SNR:

As a FWH, I can say yes, but after 4.5 years, I never left my BS. I thought I loved the OW. She met some of my EN, and my BS met all the others. So the cake tasted good.

Now, my BS is working to meet my EN, and I am trying to meet hers as well. She pops me when I mess up.

But your quote:
"He has told me that he still has love for her, but he loves me and here is where he wants to be. I understand that because he has known her for a long time even before me."

Is very telling. This person existed before your relationship with him. He never married her, did he? He married you. He could "love her" but that is because he did like her, even before you, and he started an A with her. But, he is back. Confirm the NC and work on your M. Show him approval of his positive actions.

No he never married her. He was best friends with her husband in college and that is how he met her. She was my best friend I knew her first and she moved away while her husband was in college. She is actually the one who ignitiated the affair.

snr,

The latest research in neuroscience indicates that "love" goes through predictable stages. First there's "lust" (sexual attraction) which is fueled mainly by testosterone. Then "attraction" (infatuation) which is rooted in the reward system of the brain and releases powerful stimulants....high levels of dopamine and norephenphrine and lowers serotinin (which creates obessession). And finally "attachment" which is hallmarked by the hormones vasopresson and oxytocin (which lower stress and create bonding and comfort). All of these stages have evolutionary links which help promote and nurture procreation and protection.

But back to your questions:


It's entirely possible that your husband was/is "in love" with the OW....but only one particular stage of love. For many people....they define being "in love" as ONLY the attraction phase. Why? Well because that's the phase with the big emotional/chemical "highs". That phase of love actually mirrors mental illness....crazy in love...blinded by fantasy. It's exciting and heady....but not long lasting. The duration is appoximately 18 months to 2 years....so to keep THAT feeling....you'd have to change partners every two years. Many times, after reaching long term attachment with a spouse....it can SEEM as though you've fallen "out" of love with them because you aren't recieving those palm sweating, heart racing stimulants....but it's just a different phase of love. Infatuation not sustainable, and it's not supposed to be. It's designed to blind us.....and at one time....I'm sure your husband felt the same way about you.


One thing that's interesting to note....is that the "attraction" phase of love is very "exclusive". Research seems to support that you are so obsessed with this single person....that you can't feel this way about mulitiple people. However, it's ENTIRELY possible to be in the "attraction" phase with an OP and the "attrachment" phase with your spouse. (Hence the statement..."ILBINILWY") What the fogged spouse CANNOT see during the affair....is the temporary nature of it. That's why so often....when the chemicals finallty fade....they can see the true nature of the affair partner for the first time....more often than not....the spouse looks WAY better!!! Without the chemical influx....the bonds of history, children, family, morality etc....suddenly count infinitely MORE.


So I guess my answer is that you can be in two different phases of love at once....but ultimately it won't last....because it was always designed to be temporary. People in the early stage of infatuation are so obsessed with the OP that they cannot see the flaws through the rose colored glasses produced by this chemical soup we call "attraction". They may still feel at great deal of "attachment" to their spouse and family....but their clouded and fogged by their own obsessive biochemistry. So if you can interupt that chemistry by no contact, or you can "outlast" an affair.....the marriage shines in comparison.

My question to you though is about "you". How are you coping with the idea that your husband was infatuated with someone else? Please know....that you haven't "robbed" him of the ability to experience love. Whatever he felt....love or not....would have had to eventually reach the same stage of attachment that the two of you have already met. Ultimately.....he's better off with his wife and children....because the highs of infatuation are NOT sustainable....the kind of love the two of you share...*IS*. It may take a while before her truly understands that....and when he does....believe me...he will feel like he dodged a real bullet.

It took my husband almost a year to say the words that were the most meaningful to me.....where he realized how much he had risked for so little!! You'll get there!!

((((((((((((((((((snr))))))))))))))))))

Probably 5 months ago when it first happend I would have probably have been more devastated...but now i know he does love me and he is here with me and our family not her. It is just a scary thing when something like this rocks your foundation. Also it hurts worse since the other woman had been my best friend and he was best friends with her husband...we were a lot like family...but now we are rebuilding our own family and at times it is scary.

I know it is!! ((((((((((((((((((snr)))))))))))))))))) He's made his choice. And that's a good thing

bump

Hey SNR,
I saw the bump. How are things going?

Snr,

I'm not clear...do either of you have any contact with OW or OWH?

LA

i am really wondering if my H is in love....real love with OW

maybe she is a better "match" for him.....i can't figure out how this affair has lasted so long so i'm considering this possibility