It is a slow night and I would like to share stories. I was wondering how many of the betrayed spouses here filed for their divorce vs the WS filing. And if you did file, what was the straw the broke the camels back?

My WH filed and I was served with the paperwork at work! I was blindsighted.

It all happened so quickly- WH gave me "the talk", seeing our pastor then our MC, WH moving out and after I exposed to his boss, he filed. From April to June, it was a whirlwind of events. I didn't even have any time to negotiate with him. But, in M, there shouldn't be any negotiating with the man you love.

It's been the biggest nightmare of my life. WH left our church, stopped leading our Bible study, he stopped socializing with our Christian friends, and joined a new church while worshiping with OW. He was and is the love of my life. He was my spiritual role model and my life has come crashing down. I've experienced so much trauma. I want my H back. Not this WH, but my genuinely selfless H with a big heart.

I'm still in a lot of shock. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The last straw came when SIL called and yelled @ me for looking at phone bill after I caught WH in lies about calls he had been making. I questioned the 10 calls a day to MIL's cell phone when he claimed he hadn't talked to MIL in weeks. (OW is SIL's best friend & was using MIL's cell phone.) WH said he wanted D & I kicked him out of house that day. However, he was in no hurry to file, and still is in no hurry to settle. My lawyer advised that it would be cheaper if WH filed first, so I threated to send paperwork to his job to get him to file.

WH filed. He planned on getting divorced, but still live together as a family. I simply told him I will not live with someone who is actively divorcing me. He moved out 3 months later and filed 2-3 months after that.

I filed.

Partly for financial reasons, but mostly because I knew in my soul that Plan A/Plan B would make no difference whatsoever.

WXH has shown no remorse, regret or second thoughts since he left, and I am no longer expecting it.

I do still wish for it, though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

I filed at a time when it just felt right.After 2 major false "recoveries" and lies,pain and fairly well done Plan A/B's I decided I had enough.I wasn't going to wait in pain anynmore for my WH to decide which woman he wanted to be with so I took myself out of the equation.

I think it's shameful for WS's to do that to their spouses.It's one thing to have an A,but then to continue it during so much agony after it's found out,I find reprehensible.I know Dr.Harley suggests waiting the A out for the 2 years for the A to die but I could not imagine doing that.I was dying a slow, painful death inside.It's not fair,IMO,to ask anyone to wait that long.Even in Plan B it was a very painful time.I agree with many concepts here but not all.

I had to make a decision for ME,not allow my WH to hurt me anymore.Which he did as long as I stood on the sidelines continuing his A as if no one else mattered.I feel good about my decision.I finally felt some relief and I remembered that I am in control of me,no one else is.I knew I couldn't save my marriage on my own and I tried for a long time.

{{{Alph}}},

I am sorry you still feel the need to get some recognition from your ex.In my case,I got a lot of "apologies",but the A was still ongoing,it meant nothing to me.Actions speak louder than words right?

I've just come to realize that people like that,those who have A's and the people who do it with them(OP) don't care about anyone but themselves so getting any remorse or regret would not be true unless they truly repented and would stop the behavior and separate forever to leave families and spouses to recover.

I hope that one day you can take that desire off your list and nurture the other more important things in life.A sick person will not always admit their mistakes and feel true remorse.Sounds like your ex doesn't.Sorry.jmo

My WW filed and it's been "final" for close to two years now. I guess officially for a little less, but we had the agreement in place at the end of 2004, and it took several months for the judge to "make it so."

I would have preferred the chance to work on the real issues, but frankly, financially I'm much better off, I can travel now, take DD places.

XWW is still seeing her long distance affair partner, three years after d-day. I personally believe it's really a fantasy since they live some 400 miles apart, but then if it works for her, who am I to judge.

I personally wouldn't do what she did. Forgiveness is still slow in coming. Somedays I pray that God would make her pay (as vengance is His, not my job) and other days I pray that she is well blessed.

It's certainly a mixed bag of feelings. However, I know I can hold my head up high and say I did everything I could to save it, to be the best husband I could be, to honor my vow, and to divorce fairly.

I don't have to hide from her or her family. Given her actions, she apparently feels the need to hide from me and my family.

I don't think I could live with that, and am glad that I don't have to.

I'd like to file. I have 2 attorneys (1) for the M and (1) for the financial/business part of our M.

Both tell me NOT TO FILE for financial reasons. I don't know why he hasn't filed or why he hasn't moved out. Probably financial, he knows if he moves out he has to pay alimony and whatever else. He's been on and off with (1) OW for about 3 years now and has had many OW besides her. Apparently, he hasn't found (1) worth leaving me or paying me for YET...I do think eventually (1) will convince him to move out and to file for D.

I have moved on emotionally and physically, what "broke the camels back" what would make me file or has cause me to move on??? So many things in the past 3+ years I can't really say it was (1) thing. It took alot of verbal, emotional, physical abuse for me to let go.

He isn't the man I fell in love with anymore, seeing him for who he is now is really whats done it. To know that if I wanted to reconcile I'd not want the M we had. I want more from myself and more than he can give.

I think knowing that he keeps making the same R over and over again isn't something that I'm attracted to and that he's too stupid to see it himself. I hope never to make the same R mistakes again. I've learnt about A's and how they just aren't real. I want the real deal next time...if there is a next time...

WW filed.....within 5 days of moving out to MIL's house. She now has her own place. Parenting agreement is done, now we have to work on "other" things. That could get ugly since I've heard rumors that OM and OP's are still involved in her life.

I have house and all the good "stuff" but it still seems empty. I need to find a life...lol

There were a lot of different reasons why I filed. She had had 3 very serious EA’s in 10 years and would never address the issue. The last EA was awful as she became obsessed with the man and was stalking him and he did not know. What caused me to file is she went on a business trip with him and came back and said the marriage was over. I filed 2 days later. She immediately got into a PA with another man.

I feel for her sometimes… Her father and brother molested her as a child and she never would address it. What a horrible thing for her to live with. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Like Enlightened posted, she also cannot face my family or any of our old friends. She burned bridges with everyone. However, my former MIL still calls me her SIL. She hugs me every time she sees me. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I was a wonderful husband.

It will be 2 years next week since I filed. I have lots of good days now, started seeing a wonderful woman who is so incredibly opposite of my X that it amazes me. I have gotten used to being alone (not that I always like it) but used to it.

50/50 custody is tough when I live and breathe my children. I miss them terribly when they are gone. I miss the structure of a family life, my kids always there, coming home to a wife that I love. Sometimes it feels that part of my soul has been ripped out. However, I am relieved that I no longer have a wife that chases other men. In short, I miss my x-life but not my x-wife.

AM,


No, you're quite right! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> He doesn't care at all - what he's done to me, not even what he's done to the children. He doesn't even see that he has done anything wrong.

I am moving through the stages still... at first I wanted him back so badly... now I don't. I don't need ADs any more. I have gotten over the fact that the OW is part of my children's lives, and even that WXH and OW will probably get married. I just don't want them to be happy is all.

Getting back on topic:



Same here. He made his choice. He said he wanted a D, and then wouldn't file. I was making myself ill, hardly sleeping, waiting for the letter from my atty saying he was divorcing me. So I took matters into my own hands when I realised that he wasn't ever coming back.

Alph.

I filed.

I could no longer wait around while he moves further and further away from me emotionally and physically. He found a new world of friends-- not the kind that a BS would like -- young girls attempting to be models type and single men trying to befriend them.

I would end up hurting more if I didn't put the end to the marriage. I'm not that desperate for a man who has no consideration for me.

I filed.

The straw that broke the camel's back? When after a long conversation in which I was extremley patient and leveled no LBs, WW told me she wished I wasn't my son's father. I wouldn't and won't put up with that kind of talk from anyone.

WW filed....to be with the OM (who was married) and promised that they would be together soon after he divorced his wife. OM kept stalling on his divorce and my EX kept seeing him for approx. 4yrs. I heard she finally broke it off with him a couple of weeks back. We will see how long that lasts.

I did. It was all about limiting exposure.

WW was moving out, did not want to work on our relationship and "wanted to see where this new releationship would take her."

I agreed to cut a deal: I'm the the children's primary custodian. We divided assets. She took it (and immediately began to have second thoughts giving me custodianship). The end result is we will both be involved in our children's lives, and to a large extent each other's lives: Not friends, but friendly.

I have a great amount of relief now. While still hurting, I've accepted she's gone, I can Plan A (for me for REAL and not her), and I've managed to detach where I don't care about WW and OM, though I am worried about WW general welfare.

I filed for financial reasons.

WW let with all the debt and no resources. I really don't want the D, but felt that I had no other choice. H has told me that he wants the D. I was working on Plan B, but with the pending D issues, I responded to him using Plan Am eveb though it could be pointless.

WH filed 18 months ago. He moved in with my former "best friend" and her two boys one day after she kicked out her boyfriend of three years.

Custody of DD has been final for quite a while now. He is dragging his feet on settling the financial part as he doesn't want to give me half of his 401K. The longer he drags his feet the more money goes into his 401K so I guess I'll just keep waiting. This could have been done and over within months of filing but here we are...still waiting.

I filed. The straw was a night I cooked rack of lamb and all the trimmings for dinner for him, and he worked late. He left one office, drove to the other office, and I left 2 messages on his cel phone voicemail. He never called me back. By the time he walked through the door i was steamed. It coincided with my slamming the plate of food on the table and going out the door for a walk.

It had started drizzling and misting, and it was chilly. But I didn't want to go back to get a coat and face him. I just kept walking, and crying and hurting. Finally I found a set of stairs going up a hillside to a house, and I sat there and looked up at the full moon in the sky. Still crying and sobbing. And thinking. I knew he had been on the phone with his "friend."

THe next morning I snooped in his cell phone and sure enough, my messages came in while he was talking to her. Their usual long winded convos.

This followed months of coldness and indifference after the FIRST time I filed and told him I wanted a D. He begged me to reconsider and said he would be better. (First time was Summer before our son's 8th grade year.)

Much more history, but I think it's better to be brief here.

I filed. BW. I filed for financial reasons only. He left with out any contributing any financial support, which may result in the house going to foreclosure. I don't want to divorce him, I just want him to recheck his decisions and come out of the fog.