Well, things went well for a short time, but all the couceling stopped, now he is working on him muscle build up, so it triggered something to start snooping, guess what, he is up to his old tricks. I have learned alot and some I just want to puke on. I'm so tired of being lied to, but I know I'm the one who puts up with it, but I believe in saving a marriage no matter what. I know men lie alot, there are alot of women also that lie. What is so funny he told me if he ever caught me with another man, all ****** would break loose, why is that when he is talking to other woman and making arrangements to meet, which I will make sure never happens. I'm a faithful loyal wife/mother. I do what I'm supposed to do and take care of them and I get stepped all over. I think it's time for me to step on his toes for a change and give him a taste of his own medicine. I have a friend that is going to help me on this and send emails to me, but nothing will come of it, but he won't know this. Do you think this is a good idea, or bad one? He said he loves me, yea right that's why he talks to these skanks, and that our marriage can be saved. The only way it can be saved, is that he change his cheating ways.

If you want to try to save your marriage, it's a very bad idea.

Trying to provoke jealousy can be dangerous. At the very least it will justify to him that "you are doing it too, so it's okay for me!"

If you want to try to save your marriage there are only 2 real ways to go about it:

1. Plan A, followed by Plan B if Plan A isn't working within 6 months.

2. An ultimatum, you and no one else...period, or you walk.

It you choose option 2, be prepared to carry it out. If you issue an ultimatum and then don't carry through on it if he "tests" you, you will never be able to use it again with any authority.

So, is he worth enduring the long process, or do think you should cut your losses and leave him to his "cheatin ways?"

Either way, here's a hug because I know how much it hurts no matter what....and he'll probably never understand unless someone were to treat him the same way....

(((((brokenheart06)))))

Why would you want to save your M no matter what? That does not sound reasonable.

What are your personal boundaries?

L.

I'm a believer anything can be saved. My daughter was young when her real dad died, she now calls my H dad and loves him very much, and he loves her as his own. On top of that my mother in law will be coming down for Thanksgiving. She has been very ill and so glad that I'm with her son, her words, she was so glad when we got together, now she doesn't have to worry about him because he will be taken care of. He done alot of wrong things, then done the right things, which I believe was to get me to try and trust again, but I never fully did, always on my toes. When I have a gut feeling he is up to something, it is always right. I do want us to work on our marriage, but he has to be the one to work on himself, I'm still going to counceling and reading all I can. I told him last time if I ever caught him again, that we would stay together, but that's just to live together and would have an open marriage, he didn't like that too much. He said no divorce, we could make it work, yeah the way he wants it, but if he is going to continue this and have his secret life, so be it, I will in the sort start living my life without him, but yet remain together, for the children and mother in law. I know that's wrong, but in my eyes, I can't break their hearts, I can handle alot. My life has been alot of pain, and I always get back up.

Marriage builders can not help you with your situation until you believe enough of yourself....

Marriagebuilders is NOT about saving marriages at any cost...especially the cost of ones soul and self worth...

I told him last time if I ever caught him again, that we would stay together, but that's just to live together and would have an open marriage,

to follow marriage builders you need to take this back..

or else nothing will change...

You also need to be willing to relinquish your marriage...and know that a marriage of lies, hurt, and sexual risk is way way way worse than a marriage...

for what you describe and what you are willing to accept is not a marriage at all.....

what exactly are the behaviors he is up to
are you have you exposed to people
what are his reasons for what he does...
is he has he had affair/affairs in the past

why aren't you in plan A heading towards plan B if you are "here' at marraigebuilders...

you deserve better
way way way better

ARK

He has been talking to two other women, one he is supposed to meet saturday, he does not know that I know, but I can tell you, it will never happen. He plans on making some excuse on taking the car, but I'm one step ahead, I need the car. I know I need to take alot back that I have told him, that's exactly what my councelor told me. I'm still going, he isn't. I'm working on trying to find myself, to better myself for me and my children. He is a diabetic, which has had alot of problems with it, but has not stopped him from wanting to be with others. Yes he had an affair that lasted for nine months, but I didn't find out until right before Christmas. The Ow emailed me about it along with their emails. He tried lieing to me and said it only happend once, but when I showed the proof, he changed his story. I know deep in my heart, we will probably get a divorce, but I don't want to give up yet, I have to help myself first before making that decision. I don't want to be depressed for the kids. I want to be able to move on and not let it get me down. Trust me, I'm working on alot of things in my life. I think what really is bothering me is, my first husband died in 99, that was the worst day of my life. Then in 01, I broke my leg very badly, I'm crippled from it, but I can walk, leg just don't want to go. I hate finding out things 5 years down the road which I should of been told from get go. H said, that I would of not given him the time of day if he had told me alot of things, like I told him, that was my choice to make not his. I know I deserve better in my life, I'm trying to find myself to get that. True this all hurts me, but not like it did before, and I think that is a good step for me there knowing he is not inflicting pain on me like he use to. A friend of his told him that I'm looking for the proof I need and it has made him sick, I don't feel sorry for him at all, he done this himself, no one else. Thanks for the words of support, I'm working towards them.

Let me put your situation in more superficial terms - but true to life in the world of my former co-workers at my former employer:

Let's say you work in sales for an employer who pays on a variable scale based on production anywhere from 8% to 15% - the more you work, the better your pay...

Let's say that employer gets greedy - wants more of the total pie - including the piece he's promised to you and your co-workers... eventually though you might be a million dollar producer for him, you will only get paid $60k max per year where before you may have been able to earn 3 times that amount.

Let's say that you're a woman and you find out that secret deals have been cut with some of the men in your department to get them to stay that may be a little bit better than the published comp plan, but you don't have any proof - all you know is that 6 of the top ten producers - all men - threatened to walk out - had a meeting with the guy in the VP office - then decide to stay on board, even though the published comp plan is 1/2 to 1/3 what they used to earn. Two of the remaining top ten producers - women - leave the company for greener pastures and wind up working with my company (That's how I found out this dirt). The other two stay, even though they have taken a significant pay cut to do it, and morale is at an all-time low.

You notice that the leads (opportunities) are becoming lower quality. You see the fulfillment team leaving and unqualified people filling those positions who can be paid less for "training on the job"...

The more confidence a sales rep has, the sooner he or she leaves. They can see the writing on the wall that the company is going to continue to change the compensation plan - every low quality employer does this - they look at the budget they pay out to the sales staff, and think that they can get away with paying less for the same work to the same workers.

What does this employer know about human nature and the men and women who work for them?

They know that people HATE change. They will tolerate less pay - in this case - SIGNIFICANTLY lower pay - down to a third what they used to earn. They will tolerate abuse before they will voluntarily seek out change.

That's what you are doing. You are avoiding change at all costs. You have poorer working conditions in the marriage. You have a man who flaunts his cheating attitude. But you say you're thinking of your daughters and their need for a daddy.

Please don't use that excuse - he's not a quality daddy anymore. Anymore than he's a quality husband.

Would you have those same daughters marry a man who cheats on them like your husband does you? Because that's what you are teaching them to tolerate, just to avoid change.

Step into the process of change - for their sakes every bit as much as for your own. Plan B this jerk - if there is any goodness left in him, it will snap his head around. That's not why you do Plan B, but it's a nice side-effect for those with salvagable marriages. You do Plan B because you KNOW you are worthy of respect and require it in a relationship.

What would have happened to my old employer if the 50 people working in that department had walked out - ALL of them - and said, "Go ahead! Replace us! We can find better opportunities elsewhere!" It's a minimum 1 month learning curve for the naturally talented reps to sell their product. A company losing 3-5million in revenue for that one month down is an extreme Plan B consequence for the cheating employer...

Do you have the courage to require respect? Step into the process of change. Do it for you. Do it for them!

WILL IT EVER CHANGE??????? ... If everything stay the same there is no reason to change and there will never be change.

Just my 2¢.

Last night I told WH I knew about all the emails and he had nothing to say. He went outside and started working around the house. He knows that it's all out now. What is aggrivating is I'm crippled in one of my legs, but can walk but have alot of problems. He tends to care when it comes to that when I have a bad day and I'm in alot of pain, but yet he is playing his single role at the same time. My children know nothing on what is going on with us and I will never let them know. I keep so much inside until it is too much to handle then I go off on him, which I know is wrong, but what he is doing is wrong also. I have started to find myself first though and it feels good. WH and OW have had not got together yet, I'm always one step ahead and put a detour in the plans, but I have been thinking alot that if he is going to continue, and not get back into counceling, there is no hope for the future, not with only me trying to do what is right. I'm a woman that does what she is supposed to do, take care of the home, kids, husband, why do we always get walked all over? I know there are men that would love to be in his shoes, but I will not cross the line with any of them and they know this. They can tell me all they want, but until we are for sure that there will no longer be a marriage, then I will stay faithful to my vows. I turn this over to God and my beliefs that soon there will be some type of resolution and not continue on this path. WH knows I'm tired of his games and will not put up with it any more. I'm just tired of hearing, I'M SORRY IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN, WHICH IT ALWAYS DOES. I did tell him that if I didnt make him happy in the marriage any more, to set me free from all this pain, his reply, it can be saved, just give him time to get his head straight, but how long and many times are you supposed to give them?

Do you realize your keeping it inside is adding to the fun of the A? You are allowing the WS to manipulate you in enabling the A. Because they have not really been together, the fantasy of having a PA is also what is keeping the A going strong.

What to do? Expose. Let your children know you need their help and be their support in return. Who else can you expose to?

Go get yourself some good IC/MC. Call Steve H @ MB for some phone counseling ASAP. Read Surviving an Affair right away.

L.

I talk with my mother in law about things, but not all. I just sent OW an email telling her that she was a skank. I know she will send it to H and I told her that I didn't care if she did. Also, I told her I would bring his clothes and things to her. She thought changing her email address, that I wouldn't get any of them, but her H sends me everything and I have learned alot about a computer, he thinks I just play my card games on here. I made up my mind when I sent her that, I'm through playing his childish games with my heart and children. If that's what he wants, he can go be with her, I'm through fighting for this marriage by myself. Today, I thought about alot of things and my first marriage, which was a very happy one until he passed away, I don't have to put up with anything like this and not be happy and miserable all the time. I will let yall know how things go when she sends him that email. I finally found myself and it feels good. Thanks everyone.

How r u doin ?. This is a coaster, hang in there.

-rh-

I'm doing alot better.. We have been talking more and spending time together. There has been no more emails between them after I sent the one to the OW. I want to thank everyone on here for helping me through all of this. It has been a blessing to me.

I told WH that if he does not get back into counceling, there is no hope for us. I also told him that I was thinking on filing for divorce, I took my rings off and have not put them back on yet, he knows I'm serious this time, which I am. Im not backing down from the options that I gave him. What was really funny was him saying that if any man flirted with me, he would not like that at all, like I told him, I do tell men that I'm married regardless of our problems, but why should he be so upset that other men look at me when he is playing his games. I sorda think when I told him about D and other men talking to me, he started thinking. He emailed these women and told them that he couldn't talk to them any more. He knows I'm a strong woman, might of took me some time to find myself after all this, but he knows I mean what I say now. I take care of my kids and they come first in my life

It's been awhile since I have been on, but I know it's over between us and I told him that I love him, but that isn't enough to save our marriage. He tried telling me he has had no contact with these other women, but guess what, yep, he lied. I know most say to let my children know what's going on, but my daughter is only 10 and she loves him as he does her, I can say he is a good father. He is their step father, but what hurts the most is my daughter losing another father. She asked me one day, I did talk to her somewhat, but didn't let her know it was my marriage I was talking about. She said, Mom, if you left dad, who would take care of him, you knw he needs you and we need him, boy was that hard to swallow when she said that. He is a diabetic and is having problems, but not too bad to contact these other women. I'm thinking that after the holidays, I'm telling him I want a divorce. I atleast want my daughter to be happy over these days and not sad and worried about her dad. He is the one who chose to break this family apart, not me. Maybe one of his bimbos can take care of him. I do everything for him and the children, have started doing for myself now, and it feels great. He knows a difference in me, cold hearted towards him and it's like he wants it to work, but it's a little too late for that for me. Too much hurt and lies have been done to me. I want to thank all for the support given and trust me, I read it all. Thanks everyone for showing me that I'm a person also, not his mat to walk over.