Would you really want to stay married to a person that told you this? Just curious? I honestly dont know if I could. Those words would never go away in my mind, and I dont think I (personally could feel like I come 2nd). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I guess it depends on the individual, but in my opinion it would be possible to overcome. I know from my own experience that feelings are not permanent, and feelings of "love" can be especially fickle.

What matters is what we do, not what we say or feel.

SO, My FWH never "said" it to me, but he told her over and over again. For example:

FWH says:
I need a hug from the woman I love.
FWH says:
I will quit telling you I love you if it will help.
OW says:
That is what I assumed.
OW says:
no, it won't.
FWH says:
Then I love you. I need you. You mean the world to me.
FWH says:
I will always love you.
FWH says:
I will continue to love you even if you shut me out of your life.
FWH says:
I will love you even if you do not love me back.
FWH says:
I will love you if you just want me to be a fishing buddy.
FWH says:
I can continue to tell you that I love you or I can love you in silence.
FWH says:
I will love you even if you never let me see you again. It will hurt, a lot, but i will continue to love you.
OW says:
Are you done?
FWH says:
Never. I will love you for life.
OW says:
Enough. You can email me tomorrow, if I feel like I have something to say you can come over then.
FWH says:
OK. Have I remembered to tell you that I love you today? I will email you tonight. I'm going to scan some photos in of the woman I love and send them to you. I won't send them to all the magazines and papers yet. I will need to write the story behind them and I am to tired tonight.
OW says:
ok
FWH says:
Good night. I love you. I need you. Any little bit that you can give me. I'm going to another computer to scan the photos.
OW says:
Good night.


This is one of about 50 IMs that I have seen like this. H is now so very remorseful. He even says that thinking about it all is a nightmare. Go figure. But yes, we are together and doing pretty well most of the time.

He doesn't love her now.

They are only in love with the other person in lust, and ignorance. My exWH said he only loved OW, never loved me, never loved me at the altar, and only wants to be with the OW. Will the OW was nothing special...2nd sexual affair, a lunatic as we all knew. She dumped him...and she is remarried now and the bets are that this marriage will not last either.

Anyways...back to love the OP...sure they said it. Sure they thought they meant it...but in reality...they were thinking through their butt. My EXWH has not been remorseful about the hurtful words to me...we are divorced...and I have moved on. I have met a wonderful man...that he too was betrayed. His wife never was cruel in words, just had an affair and stopped having the affair after he found out. Their marriage didn't make it, cause she didn't know why she was having the affair and just wanted to slip it under the rug.

StartinOver - My wife did that. The day I told her to leave was the day that she told the OM "I want you." Considering I was standing about 3 feet away from the two of them at the time, it was the "coup de grace" of what appeared to be my chances of saving our marriage.

I did want to stay married to her, but only if the affair could be ended. At that point it appeared "hopeless."

I have stayed married and we have now recovered our marriage and she is now in love with me.

Do the words ever go away? No. Words once spoken cannot be "taken back" as if never spoken. But they don't have to define the "here and now." Forgiveness and love cover over a LOT of problems and hurts, but they don't erase them from the memory.

But let's also think about your concluding sentence. Being "2nd" is a normal initial feeling for a Betrayed Spouse. But there is no "2nd" in reality for the Betrayed Spouse who successfully recovers their marriage. Think about it. The OP was "2nd choice always" because you were the "1st choice" for your marriage. Not only does the OP remain the 2nd choice, but they also remain the "loser" in the "winner/loser" battle for the spouse and they are forever the "bad choice"(not even "2nd") once the WS gets out of the Fog and becomes an active participant in the marriage once again.

I understand your struggle with the thoughts and feelings. All I want you to know is that they are "normal" for the stage of the "battle" you currently find yourself in. But NOTHING remains "static." All things change and it's true of a recovered marriage. It changes for the better, and you will both have a much closer love for each other after the "fire" is quenched and the marriage castle is rebuilt, stronger and better than it was before each of you were oblivious to the real threats, temptations, and selfishness that strike individuals. Remember as part of the recovery process that the marriage is a "ONE" unit, not individuals. Focus on each other, rather than self, and the healing of the marriage will accelerate and grow much stronger. I know it's "easy to say that but hard to do," but it IS true nonetheless, and it's something to "hang onto" on the days when you face "struggles and doubts."

God bless.

I just sent my WH an e-mail (he's overseas) asking him to help me sort out some of the stuff he said while he was "out of it." My counselor suggested it. My H gets very defensive at any R talk and assumes it's an attack on him.

I did ask him to be MY knight in shining armor to help me recover and discover where I stood. Some of the things he said were: the day I discovered what was going on I asked him if he'd do it all over again if given the opportunity; he said "I don't know." When I asked (a couple of months later) how I could help him get over his obsession with big-breasted blonds, he looked me in the eye and said "Nothing, you can't do anything to get me over it."

He wonders why my trust isn't returning immediately.