Would you really want to stay married to a person that told you this? Just curious? I honestly dont know if I could. Those words would never go away in my mind, and I dont think I (personally could feel like I come 2nd).
StartinOver - My wife did that. The day I told her to leave was the day that she told the OM "I want you." Considering I was standing about 3 feet away from the two of them at the time, it was the "coup de grace" of what appeared to be my chances of saving our marriage.
I did want to stay married to her, but only if the affair could be ended. At that point it appeared "hopeless."
I have stayed married and we have now recovered our marriage and she is now in love with me.
Do the words ever go away? No. Words once spoken cannot be "taken back" as if never spoken. But they don't have to define the "here and now." Forgiveness and love cover over a LOT of problems and hurts, but they don't erase them from the memory.
But let's also think about your concluding sentence. Being "2nd" is a normal initial feeling for a Betrayed Spouse. But there is no "2nd" in reality for the Betrayed Spouse who successfully recovers their marriage. Think about it. The OP was "2nd choice always" because you were the "1st choice" for your marriage. Not only does the OP remain the 2nd choice, but they also remain the "loser" in the "winner/loser" battle for the spouse and they are forever the "bad choice"(not even "2nd") once the WS gets out of the Fog and becomes an active participant in the marriage once again.
I understand your struggle with the thoughts and feelings. All I want you to know is that they are "normal" for the stage of the "battle" you currently find yourself in. But NOTHING remains "static." All things change and it's true of a recovered marriage. It changes for the better, and you will both have a much closer love for each other after the "fire" is quenched and the marriage castle is rebuilt, stronger and better than it was before each of you were oblivious to the real threats, temptations, and selfishness that strike individuals. Remember as part of the recovery process that the marriage is a "ONE" unit, not individuals. Focus on each other, rather than self, and the healing of the marriage will accelerate and grow much stronger. I know it's "easy to say that but hard to do," but it IS true nonetheless, and it's something to "hang onto" on the days when you face "struggles and doubts."
God bless.