I had an affair 2 years ago for a few months with a man. It has been over and done for good 2 years now. Sometimes I feel guilty and when I speak to a friend they tell me I need to tell my husband so my marriage can be "honest" and
grow. Otherwise they say my keeping it quiet is a fraud and will cause the marriage to fail possibly.
I heard that men most often will divorce their wives if they find out. I do not want my husband to divorce me.
My church therapist tells me God wants me to confess. Why can't I confess to another christian instead of my husband?

I do not know who is right . What should I do ?

Welcome, Bellerose...

What do you envison marriage to be? Where heart meets heart...true intimacy? Do you think withholding information concerning your marriage from your husband will build that intimacy? Your emotions are signalling through guilt that you have a barrier to connecting with your H.

That barrier grows over time...creates distance from deception...I think you've experienced that...and it helps to discount loving connection from your H..."I love you" he might say and you think, "You wouldn't if you knew."

So your love deposits get halved in your bank from your H...and he doesn't know. You may hear him say how heart breaking it is when you both hear about a friend or acquaintance's divorce...and there was infidelity, and he says how blessed he is that you are faithful...how much it means to him...and you know you weren't.

You allowed a third party into your union...and that does break marriages...they are built for two humans...and your guilt from that third party is taking the form, solidifying, the longer you don't share this very important act...

And until you do, you will not know how much you are loved, can be loved...what forgiveness means or that you cannot control another human being...not within your power...except through continuing to deceive...which you are. We can't heal when we daily reinflict the wound...and your DH doesn't even know about the wound...though he might have suspected, felt he was inadequate, unloved himself during your A...and fear it those feelings coming back...or he may still have them.

You won't know until you confirm reality to your partner...and you won't live freely in it...until you do.

You've locked out real intimacy and connection. How can a marriage grow without it?

LA

I do not agree with your opinion. I think it will hurt him beyond repair. I can confess to God and work through it with
a neutral person.
All the talk about nthings not being able to develop in a positive way unless I tell him is an opinion.

In fact most men divorce their wives when they find out whereas women do not.

I respect you don't agree...then why are you here, if you believe telling him the truth is damaging him beyond repair?

Would you consider the damage isn't in telling him the truth, but what you did?

You are talking to a serial cheater...I cheated several times...and kept my BH aware of all of them, except one. That one hurts him the most.

There's a poster here "Intention" whose wife told him ten years after the fact...same devastation...no divorce. He says it was the lying for ten years which was hardest to comprehend, did the most pain...because she disrespected him by NOT giving him the choice on which to act...held him hostage through lies for ten years...they felt cumulative to him...it felt he LOST that decade. Wasn't real. All a lie.

Many husbands do not choose to divorce...but to work through, understand...and their marriages go from crippled to thriving...and others do not. Husbands who instantly divorce do not normally post here...they aren't looking for advice on how to save their marriage.

Another poster, "WeNeedHelp" didn't divorce...nor Hurtingless...or Nagrom67...lots more...my brain isn't focused right now...

None of these husbands loved their wives more than yours does you...affairs aren't about love...nor is betrayal...it is about being cut out of your life, you having secrets with someone else...that lock out of knowledge and the deception which kills inside...that's why coming clean, not controlling your BH through lying by omission...is what heals...heals you, him and the marriage.

You'll remain wounded for as long as you don't tell...no chance at healing a hidden injury...and you will continue to live a manipulative life, with or without your BH, because you believe in controlling others through withholding information...you don't respect them enough to allow them to decide...which means you have a disrespectful marriage where you look down on your H...and did before your A.

You already hurt your BH more deeply than he thought possible...you did that two years ago...he just doesn't know it yet.

You are forgiven by God and yourself...and you will never have your BH's forgiveness as long as you are not asking for it directly from him.

You matter. You're worth living an honest life full of freedom, standing in truth, embracing how God made you...with no control over others except through this one way...lying by omission does not give your BH a choice....and being responsible only for you, your stuff...not his...I bet he is braver, stronger, deeply loving and forgiving than you belittle him for...thinking him weak, can't take deep pain...which is what your hiding truth tells him...all of that...that you're willing to lie to protect yourself from the consequences of your choices...

Scary partner to be married to...if you believe we are limited by our gender instead of all children of God...then you'll experience that in life.

What you choose...how to perceive reality, is how you'll experience it.

Good luck...MB is all about Radical Honesty, Rule of Time, Care and Protection...for pure and true intimacy for life.

It works.

I'm living proof...so is my marriage.

LA

Bellerose,

I can’t speak for “most men”, just for one…

I know you think you don’t want to tell your H(usband) about you’re A(ffair) so as not to hurt him. The pain was already inflicted, long ago when you chose to have the A. It just hasn’t reached him yet. The truth will hurt him more than you can imagine, but the real pain will be from the lies that he has believed all these years. He will lose all trust, not just in you, but he will also no longer trust himself. He will not be certain of any decision for a long time to come.

But I think that you are more afraid of what he will think of you, than the pain it will cause him. You say that you fear he will ask for a divorce. He might do so, and biblically, he might have just cause to do so.

But consider this, written by Hiker45 this very morning:

“Here is an interesting quote from Dr. Frank Pittman that I found in Psychology Today magazine:
Quote:
________________________________________

Out of 7,000 cases in 39 years, "I've seen only five established first marriages ending in divorce without somebody being unfaithful. Every year I think I've seen the sixth, but I wait and sure enough the other man or woman surfaces even though they deny and deny and deny. I saw nine cases of infidelity just today, kind of a typical day."
________________________________________


Coupled with the fact that Pittman says it's the cheating spouse who most often files for divorce…”

I’d like to tell you a little of my story. W had multiple As over a period of 10 years. She felt remorse, began going to church, “repented” and became a model wife. It was ten years later that I found out by accident, not confession. I was blown away completely, but because of where we were and what was going on in our lives at the time, I decided to stay. We became leaders in the church and both even taught Sunday school, sang on Sunday mornings, etc, etc. I even preached for 3 years when the pastor died and we were looking to hire another one. Together, we were asked to speak in other churches. We had a “perfect” marriage.

But when ever I tried to bring up anything about what had occurred, W said she wanted to “go forward and forget the past”. As a result, we neither learned anything from what had happened. I didn’t learn what part I might have played in causing her to be vulnerable and she never learned what led her to decide that her vows were null and void.

Fast forward ten more years… DD comes home, single and pregnant. DS, comes home from school in FL (Go Gators!) to be near his GF (lasted two months after that). Work is a mess, (for both of us), finances take a [email]cr@p.[/email] Let’s just say, life was not a lot of fun for either of us. A few times I even thought to myself, “What would have happened if I’d divorced her years ago?”

Then came discovery of her EA with a neighbor of her step mother’s (Did I mention that her mom left her dad for the piano teacher when W was in her early teens?). W admitted “attraction”, OM’s W became a stalker/crazy person and I rallied to my W’s side. NC (no contact) was by certified letter that I mailed. A year later, I could see the signs and began to snoop. Confrontation was painful for both of us and it was W who asked for a divorce. I stopped eating, sleeping and threw up a lot. (Did lose over 15 pounds, though I’d recommend other weight loss methods) Three weeks later, she agreed to NC and working on saving our M. Today, we are getting along well, going forward and neither one of us is certain if we’ll be together a year from now, but it won’t be from lack of trying.

My point is this; the harm was caused by the affair. It was compounded by lies that covered it up. And now you are suggesting that it may be God’s will that you continue to lie about it, leave the wall between you and your H and pretend that it never happened (for his own good, of course).

He may leave you, but not because you revealed the truth. It will be for years of lies that have shaken his faith and his belief in anything he once thought to be reality. Or he may decide to stay and try to fix your M. He has likely been wondering what has caused the division between you for a long time now. Your confession may just be an “Ah-ha!”

He may be stronger than you think, and he may love you more than what you feel you deserve.

Let me ask you this; what if he finds out in some other way 25 years from now? What will his reaction be then?

“…work it out with a neutral party…” WT*?

Better start praying now. You’re gonna need a lot of it.

Sorry if you feel I’m being unkind. My tolerance of entitlement-not my fault-I’m beyond all that-fog speak is not what it once was and I’m too old to fall for those lies again.

I am sure you believe you are correct. I am also sure their are people out there who feel it was a mistake to confess.
Who is to say they will find out. The bible says to confess your sins, not necessarily to your spouse. Jesus knew adultery would trigger divorce. Not telling a spouse is not lying.
If he did leave it would not be b/c he was mad that I kept it from him. It would be b/c of what I did. So, he will leave if I tell him or I don't tell him. What he does not know is not going to hurt him.
I became anxious b/c someone put the idea in my head that
telling him was necessary.

The bible also says to "confess your sins, one to another".
It also says that a man shall leave his father and mother and a woman leave her home and the two shall become "one flesh". It fails to mention anything about "until something better comes along".

What he doesn't know can and will hurt him. It already has. Your marriage changed the day you broke your vows.

If you have cancer, and don't know it, will it hurt you? I ask that you look long and hard at what you feel, deep down. Isn't there already a rift between the two of you? Don't you already get defensive when the topic of fidelity comes up? You say you want to confess to someone else besides your husband. You also say people (not just here) are telling you that you need to confess to your husband.

Your desire to confess comes from guilt. You are looking for an easy way out, one without personal pain. You assume he will leave you, and that is clouded by your own past actions. You are assuming that he holds your marraige in no higher regard than you did when you had your A, and I suggest, you still do, based on your disregard for telling the truth.The truth must be spoken to have any meaning. If it isn't spoken, it has no value. Knowing the truth and not speaking it IS lying.

I'd bet that, in your mind, you still blame your husband in some way for your affair. He wasn't this, or didn't do that, or was never there when I needed him.....

Is that other man still in your life or your H's life in any form or fashion?

I will back up the call by the others to confess. The longer you wait, the worse it will be when he does find out. And he will, if not from you, then from someone else - the OM perhaps. And when he does, every single moment that he spent with you from the time the A started until the time you confessed will appear as a lie.

Yes, he may divorce you, but that would be as a consequence of your choice to engage in the A and subsequently be dishonest with him up until the time he learnt the truth from you, not because of your choice to be honest and confess.