Out of 7,000 cases in 39 years, "I've seen only five established first marriages ending in divorce without somebody being unfaithful. Every year I think I've seen the sixth, but I wait and sure enough the other man or woman surfaces even though they deny and deny and deny. I saw nine cases of infidelity just today, kind of a typical day."

Call it the "divorce assumption." Most people assume that a person stuck in a bad marriage has two choices: stay married and miserable or get a divorce and become happier.1 But now come the findings from the first scholarly study ever to test that assumption, and these findings challenge conventional wisdom. Conducted by a team of leading family scholars headed by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, the study found no evidence that unhappily married adults who divorced were typically any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married.

Even more dramatically, the researchers also found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.

Helen Fisher, in ANATOMY OF LOVE, gives a fascinating neurochemical explanation of how
infidelity causes divorce: infidelity is exciting, causing an excessive production (in men and
women) of testosterone and amphetamine like neurotransmitters, at the expense of comfort
seeking and nesting hormones like oxytocin or happiness and contentment producing hormones
like serotonin. People in affairs are nuts, dependent, desperate, miserable and paranoid, unable
to relax around their familiar mates. They are not necessarily unhappy with their marriage before
the affair, but they are afterwards. Adulterers can’t reestablish intimacy as long as they harbor a
secret or fear their partner’s anger and rage. (See the recent movie UNFAITHFUL for a picture of
what a thoughtless, motiveless affair can do to a serene and cozy marriage.)

Adulterers can’t reestablish intimacy as long as they harbor a secret . . .

even though i didn't believe it....my mother kept telling me that a man never leaves unless he has someone to go to....i guess it's the same for a woman too

Now we want it all—a partner who reflects our taste and status, who sees us for who we are, who loves us for all the “right” reasons, who helps us become the person we want to be. We’ve done away with a rigid social order, adopting instead an even more onerous obligation: the mandate to find a perfect match. Anything short of this ideal prompts us to ask: Is this all there is? Am I as happy as I should be? Could there be somebody out there who’s better for me? As often as not, we answer yes to that last question and fall victim to our own great expectations.

That somebody is, of course, our soul mate, the man or woman who will counter our weaknesses, amplify our strengths and provide the unflagging support and respect that is the essence of a contemporary relationship. The reality is that few marriages or partnerships consistently live up to this ideal. The result is a commitment limbo, in which we care deeply for our partner but keep one stealthy foot out the door of our hearts. In so doing, we subject the relationship to constant review: Would I be happier, smarter, a better person with someone else? It’s a painful modern quandary.

“Nothing has produced more unhappiness than the concept of the soul mate,” says Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman.

Dear Dr. Frank:

My husband is essentially a good man, a good provider, and a good father. But I am not in love anymore. I believe it's a mistake to stay married for the children's sake. What do you think?

Signed: Not-In-Love

Dear Not-In-Love:

I don't think it is sufficient to stay married for the children's sake; parents have a responsibility to stay happily married for the children's sake. If you are married to a good man and still don't find it easy to be happy or loving, perhaps there is something wrong with you. You could be afflicted with anything from schizophrenia to romanticism.

Most likely, you are one of those romantic women who expects a man to make her happy. Men are useful for many things, but they are not generally kept around for their entertainment value. I've known women in your predicament who brought meaning and stability to their lives through such diverse activities as square dancing, fly fishing, and organic farming.

For your children's sake, if not for your own, find the things that will make you happy without having to run frustratingly through a variety of men, each of whom is sure to let to you down.

If you want variety in your life, try cable television.

I believe now in the choice of who you love. It's a choice. I choose to love him.

78 percent of the couples who remain married despite an affair later describe the marriage as unhappy or empty.