I kinda get the feeling, my wife wants to wait and see if we can ever have fun again, before trying to make things better between us. ie: "what the point in working to repair a marriage that isnt going to be fun?"

Unfortunately, both of us have forgotten how to to have fun together a loong time ago. For about 6 years ago, before we spent all our time chasing after children. And... I think she's going to put all the burden on me to figure out fun stuff to do, and then invite her. Trouble is, I was never very good at being the "fun one" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I'm looking for suggestions on things I could invite her to, that would take a total of about 2 hours tops. (taking place between 8pm and 10pm on a weekday, most likely). This is in the Los Angeles area, so it's urban/suburban.

Best I've thought of so far, is movies, and bowling.
(yeah, i'm mr. fun <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

How about horseback riding? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

techie:

On the d-day anniversary each month, my BS and I try to do something special with each other. This past year, we have been to the movies, (to many issues there) behind a house under construction in her car, that was fun, walking the shops and getting a meal in a place he had not been too since before the kid was born. We have also been on three day weekends at a B&B.

What really works? A plan. What did you do before you were married, before the kids? Recreate some of the activities from one of the fun dates, unless it can create triggers! I know you asked for suggestions, but Mr Fun I ain't either, but if you only have two hours, the options can get limited...

techie,

Depends on your idea of fun.

If you go bowling go to Lucky Strikes it is in Hollywood and highland. It is a really cool environment. Bumping music, a bar etc.

The Santa Monica pier is also pretty cool to go to. Go on some rides take a picture in the booth. Take a walk on the beach or hang out on the third street promenade.

You can also travel to downtown LA to the Standard Hotel. They have an awsome bar on the roof. Again a fun cool place to go.

There are also Boomers fun parks. Nothing better then playing mini golf and racing on the go carts.

I personally like to hop down to PCH and drive until I see something that makes us want to stop. We usually end up in Laguna, Newport.

Oh if you really want a good ride go to San Juan Capistrano. There is a nice restaurant and a wine tasting place that serve flights. Can't do that one in 2 hours but a weekend day if you could get someone to watch the kids.

It really depends on what she likes.

Geez your D Day is my wedding anniversary.

"depends on your idea of fun".

i have no idea. neither does she, I think. that's the problem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the ideas. Keep em coming, folks!

It needs to be really short/easy/non-stress initially, to entice her out, though. No "trips". We havent done anything alone, in many months. Even BEFORE "d-day".
Thats why I thought movie. She used to be big into going to see movies. So I thought I'd treat her to go do something she (used to?) like, with the only catch being that she has to take me along <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Trouble is, it's a lousy season for movies right now, it seems. according to what's showing via "fandango.com" anyways.

PS; we're actually in the central long beach area. "cosmic bowling" down at seal beach bowling could be fun maybe.

Ok Long beach is good.

On the 405 there is a go cart place. Kinda seedy area but they go really fast.

Seal beach is nice as well or just hop a little further down to HB on main street. There is a pool hall there. A walk down the pier then a stop at longboard or one of the other bars/rest.

You can take her to chimayo on the beach it is right under the peer.

There is actually a Lucky Strikes at the block in Orange as well.

Heck take her to Knotts berry farm I know they have a special after 5pm. Go on some rides and try to win her a gizmo.

Then there are the dinner/show places right on beach blvd. Medivel times and there is another one as well.

Oh and there is a boomers in Fountain Valley right off of the 405.

I found this on a singles site, but it's still relevant!

30 Fun Dates (that don't involve dinner or a movie)
Dinner-and-a-movie dates usually top the list of favorite dating activitiess. But after a while, even that can get boring and/or expensive. Here are 30 more original ice breaker dates:

build a snowman together ­

play miniature golf ­

go apple picking ­

feed the ducks in the park ­

take a walk together at twilight ­

dye and decorate Easter eggs together ­

take a springtime hike in a nearby state park ­

bicycle together ­

visit a winery ­

attend a ballroom dancing competition ­

attend a state fair ­

swing on the park or grade school swings ­

visit a pet store ­

stroll through a zoo ­

float leaf boats down a creek ­

toss a Frisbee ­

visit a hands-on science center ­

work a Sunday crossword puzzle together over a large, Starbuck's latte ­

visit a historic cemetery and make gravestone rubbings ­

climb a tree ­

re-create the U.S. income tax system ­

roast marshmallows in the fireplace ­

build a sand castle ­

attend an auction ­

visit some of the smaller, local art galleries ­

act like tourists, and take a local historical tour ­

enjoy a cuppa coffee and listen to free music at a bookstore café ­

wash your cars together ­

go to a flea market ­

make chocolate chip cookies!

And during all these dates, you'll have time to talk and really get to know each other.

Techie-

Something our first MC said that my wife HATED to hear at the time, but now completely sees as the flat out truth.

You can't rebuild the marriage, you can't expect it to get better, if you don't CHOOSE to make it better. You can't ignore the problem and suddenly look around one day and find that everything is better. What you have to do is DECIDE to work on the problem FIRST...THEN things can start to get better.

My wife wanted to do the same thing yours does...she wanted to wait and see if the marriage would get better before she made her choice about staying and work on it or not. Our MC flat out told her it wouldn't work. You can't want a better house and just stand around and suddenly find you've got a new wonderful home. Nope...you have to decide to build the new one, start the planning, lay the foundation, DO THE WORK...and then find yourself standing in what you've made.

At the time, it was the last thing my wife wanted to hear. She was still 'in the fog'...and didn't want to accept the fact that it was HER CHOICE on what she wanted to do from here, just as it was MINE. She didn't want to accept the responsibility of making that decision...because it also meant she had to face what she'd done before things could get better.

But...weeks later, she did exactly that.

Over two years later, we're in recovery.

Hope this gives you some food for thought...if you can find a good way to broach this with your wife in some fashion, maybe she'll get it like mine did.

Thanks for the thoughts, Owl.

She says that she had read through the basic concepts stuff on the main website. based on the feedback from Steve about her one and only session with him, I think she might now accept the possibility that things arent "hopeless" between us, as she was previously claiming. BUT....

Thing is, right now, I think she's not sure that she even wants a husband. She's in a relatively comfy position, (living with her parents, in a roomy house, that is soon going to get even BIGGER), and I think that in many ways, her cautious self is telling her, "It's safe here. it's comfy here. it's with mom and dad in the house I grew up in and feel safe in. Why leave?"

Moving back in to our house, will be a "loss" to her on many fronts:
She losse her free on-site nightly daycare every night.
She loses getting to talk to her mother every night face to face. (she is way overly attached to her mother; one of the major "day 1" problems in our marriage)
She loses a few days rest from our triplet sons every week.
(she'll never admit it: we both love our sons very much, but I'm guessing that in some ways, having a break like this after 5 years, feels good to her)

She thinks the children are "well adjusted" to things at this point. So there is no motivation for her to reconcile "for the children". And in a month, she'll have a steady paycheck, with no rent/mortgage to pay, so there will be no financial motivation to reconcile either.


At this point, I think there is probably a major feeling of, "why should I work incredibly hard, to go back to something that i'm not sure is an actual benefit to me, and I lose out on?"

Sooo... I think I have to try to date her again; build a new, enjoyable relationship between us, that she wants to fight for, instead of against.
If we can build the start of a "casual" positive relationship again, I think that she may then be more willing to work on a "committed" relationship again.

Plus: I think her female side just plain wants to be "courted" again. I think that was one of the major reasons she got involved in her online romances. (I was never particularly romantic)

If so, then the major question becomes: is she going to be willing to let me try?

It's horrible being expected to be a mind-reader. but it fits some of her past expectations of me. She's previously expected me to fix problems between us, without her TELLING me "this is the problem", because that would "defeat the purpose".
Hopefully, I'm doing a better job of mind-reading this time.

If i'm right, and this is the hidden prerequisite for her to start trying again.... then she'll accept my invitation to a movie or something, and see how it goes.
If I'm wrong... well, then, she'll turn me down, and sucks to be me.

Techie,

Here is a 2x4 for you.

There is not such thing as a mind reader. Mind readers use parlor tricks. They are not and cannot really read your mind. Do not give yourself that much credit.

Here is what a FWS or a WS can do to you.

My FWW likes bath's. So I decided to try to give her something she liked. I would clean the tub, light some candles, play some music, draw her a bath with bath crystals etc. One time when the kids were with my mom I stepped it up a notch and bought fresh fruit and sparkling apple cider and served it to her while she was in the bath.

One time we were discussing things and she said I don't do nice things for her why should she do them for me. So I pointed to the baths. Her response "I don't even like that". WHAT! So after the discussion one night she said as soon as I get the kids to bed I am taking a bath. I clean the tub and draw her a bath.

My point here is I know she likes them but instead of validating I am doing it right she would rather say that wasn't it.

I would be careful trying to figure it out.

So you are not particularly romantic. The last two days I have sent my FWW love quotes. I really liked this one.

Love, like a river, will cut a new path
whenever it meets an obstacle.

Now what does she consider romantic?

I don't know and if you don't know you can waste a lot of time and energy.

You absolutely need to know what she wants and expects from you for her to give you a shot. That is only fair.

You can do everything she wants and expects but if she keeps changing them on you then you will never succeed.

You can say I did x,y, z and then she can say but I wanted e,f, g.

Make sure she states what she wants so you are not guessing.

Oh and by the way it is also good for you too. Because if she tells you what she wants and expects you have the right to not do those things if you are opposed. That may make you not want this M.

If my FWW wanted and needed the company of other men to stay married to me I would be opposed. Then there is no sense in staying married. That is a drastic example just to convey my point.

yeah, it's fair, but it's already been rejected, with extreme prejudice. She has already rejected my requests, many times, of "tell me what are the issue that you think are unresolvable between us?"

"fair", wont get me on the road to recovery with my wife.
Recovery itself, has to be fair. But getting there, isnt.



Yes, like I said.. would be nice, but, aint gonna happen right now. To get statements like that, requires that the spouse first be willing to actively participate in the recovery process. We're not at that stage now.


Yeah, I know what you're saying. But getting her to acknowlege "points scored", isnt my goal. Just reminding her that we can have fun together, without our children being the only factor between us, is my goal.

She doesnt have to acknowlege it. She just has to keep coming. (well, and.... come with me the first time, most importantly!)

That's something you might keep in mind for YOUR wife.
She may not have "acknowleged" that she liked the bath. But she still TOOK it, didnt she? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
In some ways, I think that you asking for acknowlegement, withdraws the love units that you deposited in her LB by doing it in the first place.

Techie,


Very good point. It wasn't that I was asking for acknowlegement. I don't need for her to say she appreciates them. I just want to know I am going down the right road.

So you are not there yet.

Then why not wooo her back with all of your might.

You could actually have a little fun with it.

Take a little time to plan doing something just for her. Not together.

There is a place called the body center they do full massages and it is reputable.(sp) and very inexpensive compared to other places.

Pick a day and do a little scavenger hunt type deally for her. (those are technical terms. lol)

Maybe set up a one hour massage. Tell her to go to the address and tell them you sent her. (make sure you pay and tip in advance. When she comes out have some flowers there for her with a card and a note. The note can send her to her next destination. Maybe happy nails for a mani pedi. (they are inexpensive as well. Then from happy nails have her meet you for one drink or a coffee somewhere. No long date. Then thank her for letting you do that for her.

Tell her you don't want or expect anything you just wanted to show her you cared. End the day and tell her you would like to take her out soon if that would be ok with her.

Heh. really cute idea.. thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Unfortunately, I dont think those places (at least, the reputable ones) are open after 8pm <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

what with kids, and her work, and MY work, .... I figure we're locked into the 8pm-10pm weekday slot as a possibility to do anything.

PS: your sig? you look a little "isane" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Wrong. They are.

http://www.bodycentre.com/

Open until 9pm. This is where I go.

Hah.

Oh my friend I will admit yes I do sometimes. LOL.

I will do the same thing over and over until I realize there is no result and try something new.

My quote about love I am sending to my FWW is making a difference already.

So neener neener neener. LOL.

I am just giving suggestions. We are lucky to live in So Cal there is just so much to do.

I haven't really done the same thing over and over what I have done is tried the same thing for a while trying to get the results. If that doesn't work then I will try something new. Gotta give it a chance to stick right.

The bath's are only part of it. LOL.

I give her massages. I know she likes those. I took her to Laguna for brunch and walks. San Juan Capistrano just her and I. Old Town Orange getting a bite and looking at the antiques. Seal Beach for a walk on the Pier. Drives down PCH. I hold her hand and open the door for her.

His and her massages at the place I am recommending. Flowers not so much she doesn't like those.

When I get gifts for occasions they are things I know she likes.

For her B Day she has been shopping on E Bay so we printed up coupons for her to use on E Bay. For Mothers Day gift certificates for Happy Nails and for Starbucks. She likes a coffee before her AA meetings.

I have made an effort to show her I know her. I know what she wants and I can provide that.

Give it a go my friend.

What do you have to lose.

You have to know one thing she likes. Just do it.

I would love to give her a massage. she used to love that from me.
She was complaining about her back for 2 months after she moved out.

wouldnt let me touch her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

PS: you're still "isane". you have a typo in your sig <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Great list, Saturn! Watcha doin' this weekend? Wanna be mah date? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> [color:"blue"] [/color]

well.... sucks to be me.

asked her to a movie.

"I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that. i'll have to think about it".

ie: "NO"


and she backed out of all her previous "hey, schedule something for us (and the kids) and we'll do it".

*sigh*.

Get yourself a bottle of wine, a single red rose, and a little picnic basket, and have a picnic during a hot air balloon ride.

update... maybe it's back on now. she said she "might" have time to join us this sunday at disneyland for a short time. (since I told her I plan to take the kids this week anyway)
It would be nice if she came.

I guess I'll forget about "dating" for now, and try to just work on the family event stuff more.

Have fun at Disney Land!

Good luck is all I can say.