H left in Feb never to return - did some pretty crippling hurtful things. Tried MB - got tired of the constant rejection. I am human being, the mother of his children, I in no way deserve or am willing to except treatment like that.

I would have however given a limb to have him back. Oh how I loved him - I would have walked the world bare foot for him.

He has comeback w/ a "I want to try to fix us". I am giving it a try and to my shock one minute I want to and for the most part I am just not interested. I can't forget the pain. I can forgive, but that pain haunts me.

How can I get the feeling of wanting to put my family back together again????

Julie

I am no MB expert so I may say it a bit wrong....

Hurt and Pain those are feeling feelings are abstract's they only have context if you allow them or make it so. You sometimes have to override those feelings with your brain and use logic, logic would be to make a rash decision on what is the best solution for you. May not be the easiest descession, but feeling rarely point us to hard decision.

Right now you have to choose to put your family back together and work on it everyday, its the same rollercoaster that you felt loosing him its the same rollercoaster your going to feel getting him back.

He needs to learn that too, he can not operate off of emotions

U can't. That's his job. Let him do it. Can you call Steve to help you get a plan? Remember the object is not to give you more work. The WS must put in the muscle to earn his family's love back. He betrayed you all. It is now his turn. If he displays an attitude, you put your standards up not down. You don't need a WS in your life do you?

L.

I talked w/ him today he swears he will commite and never cheat. He does not believe and EA is being unfaithful, he knows it is wrong but refuses to ackowledge it is cheating. He knows he has alot of work to do building not only my trust and respect but more importantly w/ our girls. viking is right if I want to put my family back together then I have to start using my head and put my heart on the back burner until I can get rid of some resentment.

God I hope he means it

Julie

So in other words: he feels he never cheated on you while having an EA. He feels it's not wrong, and he would have no problem having another EA, since it's not being unfaithful in his eyes.

And you wonder why you are having trouble getting over this? The man is not even to the point of understanding what he did, and he's also willing to do it again. He's not back with you because he saw the error of his ways, he's back because things fell through with the other woman.

I'm not saying you should kick him out of your life, but he needs to learn some new beliefs along the road of recovery with you.

I figured he would be back. They usually do come back, sooner or later.

I would be in no hurry to make any decisions right now. Give it some time. Spend time with him doing fun things, and see how it goes.

Will he write a no contact letter to the other woman? Or do they still work together?

jj,

JMHO. If you take him back as is you are taking back WS. He has to have NC w/ OW and ammend you. Otherwise he will be back again w/ OW plus you will drained your LB$ for him. H is unrepentant WS.
-rh-

Julie - I forgot that she runs the barn. Will they be having NC?

JustJulie,

You said something I thought I would comment on for your benefit and your H's. You said
I am not trying to convince you an EA is an affair, but let's consider what to ask him, so that perhaps HE can see that it is an affair.

1. In this relationship with her was his focus on me (that would be you) or the OW?

2. In this emotional relationship was I getting your full time and attention? If not, I was cheated of what you promised when we married, right?

3. You may think that ONLY a physical relationship is cheating, but I think that leaving me and our kids is physically leaving and is therefore cheating all of us, your family, especially when this leaving had a great deal to do with the relationship you had with OW.

4. IF you want to work this out, you had better come to understand that I am as deeply hurt by what you did as you would be if I slept with another man. If you don't understand this, you have no idea what it is going to take to heal this marriage.

5. Are you aware that I have doubts about my willingness to rebuild this marriage with you? If you don't think your relationship was an affair, ask yourself why I feel this way.

Just some thoughts that might spur him to consider what is going on from your end of the telescope. Looking from his end things may seem small, but from your end things seem very large.

You also said:


I will start with my response by offering you my favorite quote about resentment.
Your resentment will hurt YOU more than him, so address it. Figure out why you resent certain things, and then address them with a plan to lower the resentment. Here is where a professional can really help you, please consider getting one, the Harley's are good, but others are as well.

Your H is right he has a lot of work to do, but do him a huge favor. Ask him if he wants to work really hard and fail. If he does, just blindly doing things to please you and "make up" for things will guarentee that he will fail. He needs to make a plan, and the first part is to understand where you are coming from, what you need to have addressed, and how he should do it, so that YOU recognize his efforts and they have the desired affect on you. IN short he needs to see a counselor, and at the very least consider reading the material on this sight on in some of the Harley books. Neither of you want him to waste is time.

Odd isn't it? The best way for him to help you, is to NOT waste his time. In short here is where you must help him, and then he needs to carry the load. Otherwise you both lose after all of the effort.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you all so much for all of the greatly appreiciated advice.

We are taking all of the horses to go penning today. His are still at the barn - he does not talk w/ the OW. He has said once his new friends and OW find out that he is reconsiling w/ me it will be difficult for him and uncomfortable w/ horse events that they are at. These people and especialy OW did not give a rats [censored] about our family. These people and OW despise me over exposure. Boy did I expose! They are people who want to give the OW knee pads. He will be more than likly asked to get the horses out of that barn. It is difficult for him to find a place to board them because the barn they are at is known for contagious equine diseases. What bothers me the most is he is begining to put our relationship first - but why in the ****** does he care what these people think? Is he willing to let his friends dictate wether or not he goes back to his family? All of my friends involved w/ horses are more than happy to welcome him. He has said his friends will never talk w/ him again. My D and I spent the last 2 nights at his apt as he is not ready to come back to the house. He wants to work on the house, sell it and then buy a farm.

I need to learn to address him on things but know the difference between needing to address and resentment.

I will let you know how today goes.

Julie

how is it going JJ ?. is he willing to see marriage counselor ?

-rh-

I threw in the towel - I wasn't seeing any changes in him that I needed too. I caught him in several lies, and couldn't even bring myself to confront him. I guess I just don't care anymore. I told him I need to get my oil tank filled and furnace cleaned - he said he would help me w// this. I said it would be $600.00 to fill the tank and he said "I won't give you $600.00". He does not know that I know he cashed in his life insurance. He has not paid but 3 wks of support in all the time he has been gone either. He was buying things for his apartment when he supposedly wanted to reconsile. Does this sound like a man who wants his family back??? Gastric bypass sure does change people. I don't even recongnize him when I look in his eyes anymore. His drinking is a bit much for me to take. He did not drink in all of our years of marriage - now he can't go a day w/ out it. He seems depressed - I can't help him, and I really don't want to. He told me he cried for an hour! I said to him to try wks. I am moving forward w/ the divorce as I can't forget the pain. How do all of you forgive and forget the pain?

Julie

Julie,

When the lies stop and your WS starts working on recovery, it becomes possible to look past the pain and forgive. I don't know if you ever forget.