I was given the advice to post this here--it's also posted in the "Just Found Out" form.

Hi, everyone--I am so thankful to have found this forum, as every other one I can find has told me to take my kids and run the other way.

My husband started a new job a few months ago. There was a woman working there that I knew he'd have to work with, and, even though our marriage was broken, and since she wasn't attractive, I never thought he would turn to her--but he did. (I know who she is, and she's cheated on her husband before.) WH swears he's telling the truth--he says that working at night with her they got to talk a lot, and they became close. One night, things got sexual, and he swears to me that he couldn't perform because of conviction--he stopped and told her that they had to stop, he couldn't do this to his wife and kids, and she agreed. Well, I could tell something had happened, (and am still having doubts that actual sex didn't take place--but have no proof--we hadn't been intimate for some time prior to the encounter--nightshift ain't too good for the sex life! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) and he confessed a week later. He had no intentions of telling his boss until OW went to a friend of hers, told her what happened, and her friend told OW to leave her husband, that she and my husband could make a go of it. OW went looking for WH, and told him all of this. He told her she was crazy--he was not leaving his family for her. Since he knew that OW's friend was probably NOT going to keep the news to herself, he told his boss, talked w/ OW's husband, and they (he and OW) resigned their positions. Another kink in this--my husband is a part-time minister, so the gossip is hot hot hot right now.

I had decided that when I found out, I would just take my kids and leave. I thought I didn't care anymore, but when it broke my heart, I knew that somewhere I still loved him and had to try and mend our broken marriage.

So now, just eleven days after the confession, I'm still trying to find hope. Of course, I have a hard time trusting him--I had a feeling that he talked to her on the phone yesterday, and when I asked him, he denied it. I had checked his call history, and found no lengthy calls in it, though he had talked on the phone for several minutes. This morning, I checked it again, and he's erased his calls list (which made me FURIOUS). I know I want to confront him, though I also know that I can bide my time til the phone bill comes in. The situation is mushrooming, and he may have talked to her about all of the public scrutiny (it's a small town, and since my husband stands behind a pulpit every week, he's not supposed to sin...). If that's true, then he should be able to tell me. I don't think he's had any other contact w/ her besides yesterday.

Yesterday, I did a great deal of house cleaning--it's a form of therapy for me, but I can't help having in the back of my mind that I'm cleaning it so that when I move out, I won't have to do it then. Though I'm a Christian, I'm a pessimist. I'm so afraid that he's not going to try as hard as I am to save our marriage. I don't think I've ever seen him try hard at anything--like now, it seems he's just waiting for a job to fall in his lap, knowing we have four children to feed (I've been a SAHM for three years). I've been doing some other reading, and I am thinking that he has a personality disorder that, from all accounts, is a hopeless case. I pray that this is not true.

He told me yesterday, after I questioned him about the phone call, that he doesn't want to put his heart and soul in the repair process only to have me say that I can't forget, and separate anyway. He's not putting his heart and soul in this yet--I don't know when he's going to start. Am I selfish for thinking that he should be courting me? I think about all of the things I know he did for OW (flowers for b-day, made CD, bought little gifts), and he's not doing anything like that for me. He seems to think all of our problems can be solved in bed. He has talked to another pastor, and we've arranged to meet w/ him next week.

I'm just lost...and I don't know if I can handle this--I've always run from my problems, but now, I have nowhere to run to. My parents are dead, and I don't have any family that has room or money to help me. So, I'm also wondering if I'm staying because I don't have a choice.

Forgive my lengthiness--I haven't really talked to anyone about this, because I don't have anyone I confide in regularly. Any advice from you would help me tremendously.

BTW--we've been together 17 yrs, married ten, and have four children.

I'm sorry for your pain.

"He told me yesterday, after I questioned him about the phone call, that he doesn't want to put his heart and soul in the repair process only to have me say that I can't forget, and separate anyway. "

That's just an excuse to be a coward. If he is an honest minister, I think you should approach him from a Godly perspective. Tell him that he knows what his duty from God is, and God expects him to do his duty, reguardless of what your reaction is.

"
So, I'm also wondering if I'm staying because I don't have a choice."

You have a better basis for a recovery, than many people who post here. Your situation hurts you terribly. but be conforted by the fact that if you choose to work on it, you will both most likely get through it, and come out stronger on the other side.

and by "most likely", I mean literally, 90% or better actual ly statistically speaking.

The best start is to read, read, read as much as you can. Read the articles here and get the book "Survivng an Affair".

From reading, you'll be able to see what the recovery process looks like, find the specific steps that you and your WH need to take to recover. It sounds like he's willing to try, and that's a HUGE part of the battle around here sometimes, so you have a pretty decent start.

So, first step is start reading. Then keep coming back here and asking all the clarifying questions. There are lots of pros around here who will help guide you!

Hang in there.

-AmI.

You are in the right place.

I know it's topsy turvy right now. The indignity of his affair with the added burden of YOU having to fight for your marriage is tremendous. It's so simple in the movies...the BS kicks them out and they come crawling back. Ain't like that.

You even questioned whether he has a personality disorder. The ALL do. It's called infidelity. Their thinking is that of a crack addict. They are NOT rational and should NOT be trusted. With four kids...YOU are the only rational person in that household right now.

Your husband DID take a few actions inconsistent with a man ready to dump his family for an OW. Exposing himself at work, quitting his job....but the addiction IS very strong. He feels guilty and resposible. As a pastor he is trained to have a sympathetic ear. He's listening and talking to OW because she's the perfect damsel in distress and he feels responsible. However, he is completely unaware of the chemicals that are released in his head everytime he talks to her. He just can't stop...but I think he is at least aware that he should and likely wants too but can't. That's where YOU come in.

A recovery plan you can read about on MB and develope with the input of many herein. I'm guessing with him unemployed you don't have the funds to call the Harley's for counseling...thus, become an expert on the man's materials yourself and get your husband in here.

BTW, my wife and I both post here. Our SHARED email address is below. If you feel comfortable, drop us an email and we'll respond. We just have a private question.

Mr. Wondering

mama4,

The Wonderings are very good people. They helped me when I was at your stage. I have learned alot and it is far from hopeless. The books suggested above are a great place to start, but so is reading here on this site.
M2L

Thank you all for your encouraging words. We're really having a hard time on trying to make things work. We don't even know where to begin--I've read and told him a few things in the MB articles I've printed, and I don't know if they've sunk in or not. I just get so mad when I'm trying to cook supper or something else that requires my full attention, and he yells for me to go there, or if the kids keep coming to me to help them w/ something or resolve a conflict. He's not thinking. He's so wrapped up in losing his job right now. Let me clear something up about that: When he went to his boss, he offered to resign. Boss said, no, we'll work this out. But, boss had planned to let OW go later that week anyway, so, in light of the relationship, boss couldn't let OW go w/out letting WH go. So, he asked for their resignations later that week. Also, WH seems to be getting pats on the back for coming forward and telling about the affair, and people are telling him right and left that it wasn't right for them to be let go. (this is not the first affair to come from this certain jobplace--it's a hotbed for extramarital activity, and most of those folks have kept their jobs.) So, husband just can't say enough how he and OW were wronged by boss' decision, and they should've been able to keep their jobs. That's how all this started, WH was trying to prove that OW was doing a good job, and shouldn't be let go to begin with.

I checked his phone this AM, but no new calls (wondering if he's deleting any). His phone used to ring off the hook, he always had so many people calling, and now it hardly rings at all. I think he feels shunned, of which I am glad, b/c I think he feels above reproach. He was pretty humble the first few days after the confession, but is now falling into old I'm Invincible routine.

I could go on and on, but I've got a day to live...Thanks again for all the encouragement!

M4

That's why I want us to see a Christian counselor, so they can put a Godly perspective on all of this.

I pray that we are in that 90%--I know it can be good again, it's just going to take a lot of work!