Hi all,

Last time I posted I told you I was filing for D. WH and I met after talking for 4 hrs. we decided that we neither one really wanted a D. I guess I wanted to take the easy way out but not anymore. I don't know what will happen in the furture but I do know whatever happens I will be able to say I did all I can do. When we were talking we decided taht the MC/IC that we had been talking to was not the right person for many reason and when I told SH the things she had said to me he said she should lose her license.

Yesterday I talked to SH he was great. He told me he would like to speak to WH. So I asked WH if he would and he said yes.

So my question to all of you that have had a WS speak to SH. Did it help your WS? How long did it take for your WS to come around?

Ok next subject. A friend of mine has two free nights at hotel/spa that she wants to give to me I want to go but I don't want to go by myself. Should I ask WH to go with me?

When we were dating we went to the same place so we have nice memories of the place. I just don't want him to think I'm wanting more than he can give.

I need input HELP.

Huh? Wanting more than he can give?

Going from a very short Plan B back into a Plan A...

followed by feeling the need to tiptoe around him.

I don't know, but this has all the makings of a revolving door policy.

Be clear about what it is you want... basing what you want on your husbands ability to rise to the occasion seems a little backwards to me and a surfire way to have a false recovery.

And yes, from reading here SH has a talent for getting to the heart of the matter with a WS...so it is good that your WH is willing to talk to him I think.

Oh Mar, it just occured to me that maybe I misinterpreted your post.

Did you mean that asking him to come along on a weekend where such close intimacy may be expected may be too much for him at this early point in your recovery?

You sound so much better than you did last time you posted. I am glad for that.

I think asking him to go would be a good thing.

Is he still leaving away from home?

Have you told your sons?

Weaver- Yes that is what I met. I'm not sure that I would use the R word yet. I just want to go have fun with him.

Moveforward- I am felling alot better. It was like I'm a new person and i have a goal (to fight for my marriage not the old marriage the new one that will be a GREAT MARRIGE) I have no doubt that it will happen.

Yes, he is still leaving away from home. But he is calling our home, home again.

No I have not told the boys. SH didn't say I should so I am going to follow what ever he says to do.

Over the last week WH and I have spent alot of time together and its been nice. Last night was open house for YS we went together it was good.

I have a meeting so I will be back later.

Peace be with you

Then I have no doubt either!

Good for you, and go have fun. Building upon fun times would be a great place to start, I would only suggest that you keep it fun and light, not expecting anything more at this point then.

I need some help trying to figure out what my WH is thinking/doing.

Early last week i asked WH if he would be off on Sunday (10/1) he told me he had to work. On Friday I asked him if he wanted to do something Saturday he said maybe but wanted to see how he felt after he was done working I said ok.

So Saturday I went to his work to go shopping as soon as I walked in he came right upto to me and kind of wisked me futher into the store. Then he told me that he had been sick to his stomach Friday night. I said I guess that means that we won't be going out he said maybe we can still go that he would call me later. So I did my shopping and he talked to me off and on while I shopped. When he left he gave me a kiss. All good right?

He never called Saturday. So I called him when I was going to bed I got his voice mail so I left a message telling him I hope he was felling better and that I would talk to him later.

Sunday on the way to church YS asked if his Dad ould be at church I sai no that he had to work. So then YS asked if his Dad was coming over I said I didn't know so he used my cell to call WH he didn't answer so then YS called WH work and they said that he was not working. It really made me mad that he told me that he was working when he was not. So I called MIL and asked if he was at home with her and she told me that he had told he that he was playing golf on Sunday.

Why did he lie if he wanted to play golf he could have told me that.

Ok so he never returned my call or YS call.

So this morning I called him again he didn't answer. So I left a message that said " I know you lied about working yesterday and I wish you would stop lying that when you do it makes thing worse" then i hung up that was 2 hrs. ago and he still hasn't called back.

Whats wrong with him?

I know I was rambling but I needed to vent. I do fell better now that I have.

Marflow,

This is why bouncing back and forth from one plan to another is simply no plan at all.

I have to agree with Cymanca, Marflow. I find myself going back to my original impression of your sitch.

Plan A is all about you, and I am getting a feeling of obsession from you with your latest post...this will not bring your husband back it will keep you both stuck in a pretty bad place. Distance/Pursuit comes to mind, as well as a revolving door policy.

Can you list your objectives of your Plan A? And hopefully that will give you as well as us a clearer picture and how we can help you achieve these objectives.

Plan A is about becoming strong as well as attractive, and changing some possibly unattractive behaviors you may have developed over the years...it is good to have fun with your WH as you said you wanted to, but this takes a certain very strong frame of mind to be able to accomplish without getting sucked into an unhealthy pattern.

Better to step back and take this time to work on you, and let him come to you as it doesn't appear that he was quite ready for recovery. Which brings up the question of why the Plan B was dropped in the first place.

Weaver- I'm going to start with your last question. I should have never started plan b I was not in the right frame of mind. Thats why I have talk to SH I'm going to do whatever he tells me to do. But he wants to talk to my WH and then he will tell me what to do.

Your right it has been a revolving door policy he says all the right things I think ok his got it. Then he will not call and the strange thing is it will happen after thing seems to be going pretty good.

My H has a history of avoiding.

Ok my plan A has been to stop all demands.

I have turned my focus to myself and my boys.

With all the weight I have lost I've bought clothes like I use to wear. I wear make-up again. I don't fell like just a mom and wife I fell like a women again.

I do stuff for me I had stopped doing that I focused on my family and not on myself but I've changed that.

The hardest part of plan A is giving up control. I am a control freak. I hope I answered the question.

Maybe he gets scared that things have not changed and will go back to the way they were. I'm not saying this has any bearing whatsoever or truth, or that things were bad...just trying to rack my brain as to what could be driving his come here/ go away actions.

I am trying hard to think of the name of a poster who reconciled with her husband after he moved out. It took a long time but she really worked hard to change her behavior and basically enticed him back, very, very slowlee.

She started out by showing him she had a life without him, even though a lot of it was for show...she would pretend to have a date but really just go somewhere in her car alone for the night, etc.

She did not have SF with him at first but started out slowlee in that dept too with light flirting, making out, etc.

She wouldn't let him stay over-night.

I'll try to remember her name and look for her story so you can read it.

weaver- You are right on the money. He says that he thinks that he will never chage even if he says he will he said that it might take months even years but he know that he will let me down again.

Ok latest he caals me this afternoon. first thing he says is go ahead and yell at me. I told him I didn't want to yell I said I didn't understand why he didn't tell me the truth about his Sunday off. He said he didn't know That is want he always says (I don't know) taht is the answer to every question.

So then I asked him about talking to SH he said he needed to ask me a question about Steve. He asked if Steve was part of the website I go on I told him yes then he said he didn't want to talk to him. That it won't make any difference. Then he said that he thought we should divorce
I said that if thats want he wants then he will have to file. And that I don't want a D.

What i'm i to do?

Ask him why being "part of that website" is bad.
Ask him why, if he's serious about looking into marriage counselilng, why he wouldnt want to see the *most effective counsellor you can find*?

Tell him if he can find a MC with a better track record of actual marriage recovery than SH, then you would love to go to his choice of MC; otherwise, to go with your choice of MC.

Marflow - I'm jumping in without knowing your history but my gut feeling is he is still in contact. Do you trust your MIL 100% not to cover for her son? Or, is it possible he would lie to his mother so that she can 'back up his story' about playing golf?

He does not sound like a man ready to recommit to his marriage. His continued lies and deceit tell me he is definitely hiding something more from you than a game of golf. TT

techie- He says he won't see Steve because he will never change and that he dosn't want to keep hurting me. I guess he figures D won't hurt me. H is deep in the fog.

TT- I'm sure your right about him still having contact.

His Mom wouldn't lie for him about want he is doing, but he would lie to her about his where abouts. The only thing is OW is married so they can't se each other on the weekends.

He told me that no one understands his fellings he thinks he is the only one that has ever felt this way. He says everything is all his fault and that i'm a good wife but he is a horrible husband and that our whole marriage has been him making one mistake after another.

I told him yesterday that if the marriage was as bad as he says doesn't he think I would want out of it to.

What is SH advising you? Besides to drop the Plan B?

Quote: "He told me that no one understands his feelings he thinks he is the only one that has ever felt this way."

Marflow - this just made me laugh. They really all spew the same old lines. My husband told me he wouldn't go for counselling cos "nobody could possibly understand how I feel".
He also repeatedly told his parents that none of this was my (TT) fault. He was to blame for everything.

Mind you. I didn't think it was my fault either!

"He says he won't see Steve because he will never change"

errr.. then it isnt about steve, it's about "he doesnt want to do counselling, PERIOD."

<ybe he thinks counselling is solely about "getting HIM to change (because its all his fault, etc)".

Which it isnt, of course; good MC seems to be about discussing things together, and seeing where the two of you would like to go together.

sigh. i'm in the same boat. my wife "isnt ready" for joint counselling, although she went to a single individual session with Steve. She thought that Steve was "a nice guy".

Maybe your husband would feel less threatened about going to see an MC individually at first, also. Offer it as a test that your husband gives. See if the counsellor really has any understanding of his position or not.

techie-My WH has been in IC for 5 months. She basically told him that everything he did was ok.

I asked him to talk to Steve himself first and let Steve guide us. But as soon as he found out who Steve was he said he would not speak with him.

Weaver- I have not talked to Steve to tell him want has happened. But I revised my plan b letter from before and will be giving it to him soon.

I'm done reacting its time to act.

MF-

Hi, I was just checking on you. Did the planets realign or something? LMAO

We've got some pretty wierd WS! LOL

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It all works out the way it's suppose too! I have faith in you!