Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 574
C
Member
Member
C Offline
Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 574
My H is now home with us and things are really good except for one thing he is having some sexual disfunction. He is a man who never had a problem with this before. He says he is very attracted to me and it's not me. He is very aroused at the begining but loses it after while. He hasn't been feeling well the past month or so and is taking alot of motrin ect but I don't think the motrin would cause this. He is under alot of stress right now. The OW won't accept the fact that it's over and is calling him all of the time. His affair has really cost us alot of money and I know he has tremendouse guilt. His sexual difficulty bothers him way more than me but I feel so bad because it's just one more thing we have to contend with. <BR>He is turning 40 soon and I've read that this is fairly common when men reach their 40's. Has this happened to any of you or do you know anything about this? Any feedback would be great. Sorry for the personal nature of this post.

Joined: May 1999
Posts: 1,965
F
Member
Member
F Offline
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 1,965
OK...not a guy. From what I can remember, before and during the affair, my H had problems in this dept. to the point that I was wondering if he should consider Viagra, but didn't want to bring it up, pardon the pun, because he is so anti-drug. Although it was at it's worse then, things have been less predictable for some time, just not as markedly.<P>Now it is better and when it is best it is wonderful, but still there are times and it does not seem to be dependent on intensity of desire...like it has a little mind of its own. Fatigue does play a big role.<P>Kind of sad, I've come to the conclusion that a 40 year old man is not a 20 year old man anymore...and I think I'm much more responsive than ever.<P>Hope it improves for you.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 406
Y
Member
Member
Y Offline
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 406
I'm 31 so sometimes it's still poping up even when I don't want it to. I suppose that's not very helpful.

Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 10
S
Junior Member
Junior Member
S Offline
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 10
I'm not a doctor but I am also nearing 40 and occasionally have the same problem particularly when I take pain killers or anti-inflamation medications. Also a key point is that if he thinks the meds are part of the problem they are. One more point telling him that his erection is not that important or doesn't matter won't make him feel better. It's a catch 22. If you ignore it he will feel irrelevant. If you emphasize taking action to correct it he will feel pressured. Just realize that many men go through periods where the little fellow is not as responsive as he was when we were teenagers.(Thank God!)Just make sure he knows you love him and enjoy just being with him by sharing his life and interests in other ways as well.<p>[This message has been edited by Sick_inside (edited October 05, 1999).]

Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 574
C
Member
Member
C Offline
Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 574
Thanks for your input. I figured this was fairly normal but I guess I'm still just really insecure right now. <P>Jill

Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 10
S
Junior Member
Junior Member
S Offline
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 10
The one thing I really meant to say I forgot to say in the previous post and that is "Don't take it personally". Trust me its not you. If it is not a physical problem it will come around.

Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 726
A
Member
Member
A Offline
Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 726
CoW --<P>99% of the time, these kinds of things are mental. I'd be willing to bet that the OW is still bothering him somehow. The fact that she still calls, etc. might be on his mind.<P>I haven't had the problem... yet. But I can sometimes feel something similar. I have desire at the beginning, but it starts to wane. The only way I can describe it is that I feel somewhat guilty because I don't love my wife. Or that she loves me so much more than I love her... or whatever. Something like that. Anyway, that's my experience.<P>--andy

Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 1,637
D
Member
Member
D Offline
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 1,637
My H is 44, and yes, this happens to him sometimes. He's also a smoker, which doesn't help. But it seems to be worse when he's under stress at work or tired, which is most of the time. These days we are pretty much limited to Saturday nights, as that's the only time he's had enough sleep and isn't winding down for Monday AM. It's only once a week. I would prefer more, but I'd rather have it be GREAT once a week than have that feeling of failure 2 or 3 times, because Little Willy won't stay at attention.<P>When that's happened, I don't say anything...I just snuggle him for a while. Sometimes Little Willy responds, sometimes not...but at least H feels loved.<P>Then I try to calm my nerve endings down so I can sleep. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 1,189
N
Member
Member
N Offline
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 1,189
Sorry, I'm not a man but I thought I'd reply anyway.<P>Maybe your H is so driven by guilt plus with the OW calling all the time, it keeps reminding him of his mistake.<P>It's just like some of us who when we are making love to our spouses, we get a mental image of our betraying spouses with the OP and then get sickened by it.<P>I really don't know what the problem could be, but maybe this could be it??

Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 2,580
R
RWD Offline
Member
Member
R Offline
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 2,580
I'm almost 44 and haven't had that problem (yet). I would think the stress from the affair is the problem.<BR>I would think that it will just take time for him to totally forget ow and will be able to be there for you alone.

Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 10
S
Junior Member
Junior Member
S Offline
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 10
Of course this is just my opinion, but I feel we are assuming the OW is far more powerful than she really is by thinking that her attempts to stay in his life are so powerful that it could affect his ability to perform. Just for the record, men are simple, we don't think about much other than sex when we involved in the act.

Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 574
C
Member
Member
C Offline
Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 574
H went to the Dr. today. Dr told him that it is probably a combination of stress, fatigue, his 45 lb wt loss and all of the ibuprofin and anti ulcer medication he is taking. I'm sure guilt does play apart in it. As far as the affair goes I know for sure it's over for him. He didn't know I was home this AM and he answered the phone. ( He had just come in to get something and I had the car in the back) anyway the way he talked to her was anything but nice. He has showed me nothing but remorse and being happy to be home with me and our kids again.<BR>FYI- The Dr also told us that almost all men go through this sometime in their lives and that once it happens a few times most men panic and then really do have problems because of the stress they put on themselves. He offered us some ideas so at least I feel better now. Thanks to all for your input.

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 394
K
Member
Member
K Offline
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 394
Dear Crazy or what:<BR>I had the same problem and I suppose this is ONE of the reasons why we did not have sex for 2 years. Unfortunelty, my h was the same way and I focused so much on it as to why and then getting upset because I thought it was me. It got to a point where even the thought of going to bed with me, his penis would be the focus and negatively. So, I guess alittle too late, I realized not to even mention it and give him compliments on other things he would be doing. Eventually that got better but other things didn't. So, I am saying that, whatever you do, don't put such a focus on it. If any at all, ignore it and give him lots andlots of compliments on other things that he does sexually. Even it it's not great, it will definetly bring up his self-esteem and bring a positive attitude about going to bed with you. As for the other woman, keep making things better with him. Don't focus on the ow, which will only make him focus on her. Make things fun together, enjoy nights and days together...laugh, "play"...all good things take time. Patience is a virtue.

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 394
K
Member
Member
K Offline
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 394
PS. Your husband's mind may be wandering big time during sex. This is what my H use to tell me when I asked. He would say that he had alot on his mind and would be thinking about those things. I guess what our part would be to make him forget those things at that particular time. Take a nice hot shower, give him a massage...make him forget all the problems and worries and focus on you.

Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 207
C
Member
Member
C Offline
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 207
1st H had that problem. It wasn't physical, it was definitely guilt. He was 30.<P>2nd H never has this problem. Guilt has never entered his being.


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (Adia, 1 invisible), 852 guests, and 77 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
apefruityouth, litchming, scrushe, Carolina Wilson, Lokire
72,032 Registered Users
Latest Posts
Three Times A Charm
by Vallation - 07/24/25 11:54 PM
How important is it to get the whole story?
by still seeking - 07/24/25 01:29 AM
Annulment reconsideration help
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:05 PM
Help: I Don't Like Being Around My Wife
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:01 PM
Following Ex-Wifes Nursing Schedule?
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:21 AM
My wife wants a separation
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:20 AM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,032
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2025, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 8.0.0