We are recovering I hope..He`s been wonderful, doing everything possible,everything right. Still there are questions I need answered, but that, I`m sure will come later maybe years down the road. Lately I`m just so sad, my mind keeps going back to the past when things where bad for years, I don`t tell him. I just can`t get it through my head how one person can be so horrible for years and then make a turn around like nothing had ever happened (fog)?. It seems the nicer he is the more sadder I get . Does any BS have these feelings?

Though you've been going thru recovery longer than I have, I am totally knowing where you are, as I'm in the same place. Some days, I'm so sad, and the whole thing is so sad, that I don't know if I can hit bottom. I don't think I've hit bottom. Our marriage has really been suffering for the past two years, and I had decided that if he was fooling around, I wouldn't care. It did hurt, and I was blown away. So, instead of being somewhere else this morning, I'm home. WH hasn't made a 180 yet, and I hope he understands soon that I need his help in being a better wife.

My prayers for your peace are going up right now.

Please check out my link about the stages of grieving. When recovery hits, often the BS steps what feels like a backward step. It is really a step to try and get more solid footing becasue the BS is still not feeling safe. More on the edge in worry the good will revert to the bad. You know like the WS says the BS changes are temporary? Well the BS thinks the Xws will revert to the WS again.

We have been in recovery for 3 years and I still have those thoughts. What I did do was find a symbolic way for both of us to have closure and find a way for us to communicate better. Please read His Needs/Her Needs and get a call into Steve H if you can. He will give you a recovery plan. I think Steve enjoys helping couples recover. I know I do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

You know orchid you may be right...I can not trust him still, with OW livng so close to us even though I know he is coming straight home from work and not going out nites. I guess it was her phone call to me in May of this year that has me still thinking when OW said, I was at your house 3 years ago. To my knowlegde he was`nt seeing her. She tends to throw in bits and pieces each time we talk. May-06 was the last I heard from her. Orchid I don`t think I will ever feel safe again. Thanks for your prayers orchid

The OW is calling? That's a good sign. WHAT U say? How can that be?

Re: The OW is having to reach into the past to make her future. That's what they do.

So find a way to get your H to help you through these rough times. It is quite normal for you NOT to feel safe. May was not that long ago but 3 years is a long time ago.

Let's role play and assume you get another call in Nov.

OW: Hi Apt, just wanted to remind you that I was in your house 3 years ago.

Aptiva: U said that in May. So it's been 3 years and 5 months. Can't you keep track correctly. My house has been disinfected from your stench and the board of health assures me all your lice and fleas have been removed. Have a nice day!


Howz that? Btw, the OW in my case used to call me whenever she felt she was losing the WS. Once I realized that, I used it to my advantage and put the Xws on notice for helping me throught this mess. After all, this was his doing.

My story is that the OW called one day to tell me to tell the WS to stop calling from our phone. Stupid WS. I told her that was a business phone and that the WS was not here. Of course she didn't really know that was our house # but it was also used as a business phone. LOL!!! So I psych'd her out a bit and left babbling. Then I informed her the WS was not living here and why can't she keep track of the one she claimed was her man. To rub it in further I asked her how come she kept losing him. LOL!!! It felt great. She got real angry so I was able to give her back her anger. She hung up in a huff and didn't call back. Instead the WS got the call. Not my problem. The A was still in swing but it wasn't fun anymore. LOL!!!

See the method? Give 'em back their guilt.

BE prepared. Practice if you need but ask your H to help you feel safe. That's his job.

In time you will.

L.

Yes orchid in May she called me and said she ment to call her doctor anyway she said she wanted to go home(a real jesus freak). I told her not to do that,she stated she was tired of doing everything the lord wanted her to do, that she just wanted to go home. Shes not mentally right I know that. WH told told me she tried to commit suicide one time. But anyway she went on about her EXH, how he cheated on her and that she would`nt do that to another woman(?) and then threw in I was at your home 3 yrs ago for what she did`nt say. What she really wanted I do not know. When H realized who I was talking to he walked outside. I never told him what she said except that she was at our old house 3 years and I wanted to know why, he says ask her why she was there.
He really does`nt like to discuss it. So Im figuring he had seen her and she was coming to tell me yet again to which he denies. I have since found out she is no longer at her home but living with her daughter do to health reasons. Mental? I don`t know. And I am sure I will in time get another call from her in the future. I`m sure she has plenty more to get off her chest.

Aptiva,

I realized the OW was very needy. As strong as she appeared to be (she was a bully at 44 years old (started in 2000), she was basically need and selfish. A bad combination. When she couldn't suck what she needed out of her H or WS, then she turned her attention to me!!??!!? YIKES!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> How creepy is that?!?!?! She even attempted to say she was my friend and wanted to give me MC advice. That she was giving MC advice (in the earth terms it's called divorce but on the mothership it's called MC). Oh yea, that was with links and info to how to do a quickie divorce.

Anyways.....when I realized how the OW was really needy.....way more than me, btw..... I threw it back in her face. In fact, after those incidents, I realized my boundary consisted of 1 major item: The OW must be out of MY LIFE. I realized I could not control nor wanted to control a WS but I could control who I allowed into my life.

After I messed with their 'minds' a bit (caused a few love busters out their way - LOL!!), I also realized a powerful tool. When the OW would get bored or angry with the WS, she would begin to berate me. I would get hang up phone calls, e-mails, voice mail messages and even a few direct calls (she loved to call on our wedding anniversary just to irritate me), etc. It wasn't a lot but 1 was too many so you can see I had no patience for such stupidity.

I think that helped me go to and implement plan B. The OW was in our case relentless on her quest for attention. She reminded me of that creature in the old Star Trek episode where she would morph into a humoid figure after she sucked salt out of their bodies. I was a kid when I saw that show but it is stuck in my brain. When the OW did this, I could easily see her as that horrible creature. LOL!!! Of course that helped me keep her in perspective and when WAT introduced his mothership concept, it fit perfectly. I now even knew what they looked like outside of their humoid configuration. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

That mental picture made it easier NOT to want to communicate with the OW. This meant, there was nothing I needed to tell her (though I kept thinking she c/b reasonable). In our case, she was looney and probably still is. Since I can't change her either, the best thing was to remove myself from the chaos. This is how I was able to truly identify my boundary.

It hasn't changed since. Stil the same. I was and am willing to lose a WS or Xws to an OW in order to keep her OUT of MY LIFE.

That's how I feel, even now and my H knows it.

JMHO,
L.

This woman is not a trouble starter as far as the phone calls are concerned, she would tell me don`t divorce your H, it is a sin to divorce him. She would tell me, she came over my house a few times in the past to tell me and H to go to church,yet for many years she let him come over her house,sleep at her house, work on her house,even bailed him out of jail! All the time stating "we are just friends", knowing my H was in love with her. Don`t make since does it?
I knew the first 5 minutes I talked to her on her front porch
that she was ill,yet I guess for some stupid reason I felt sorry for her. She had even asked me to go to church with her.Odd is`nt it? I don`t know which is worse the looney one that call us BS`s up and start trouble or these types.
Anyway she had said I don`t want your H and never did
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Well excuse me but I hardly think all those years that they were drinking beer and reading the BIBLE. As I said before in time, I know she will call again and tell me more.

She sounds like she still qualifies as a psycho, so u be careful and don't have contact with her.

JMHO,
L.

I really don`t want contact with her orchid, in fact H should be telling me the truth about them, I guess he has lied so much for so many years that he does`nt know the truth from lies. I really want to start asking him questions again but we are doing so well that sometimes Im afraid to bring it up again, but this stuff is on my mind day after day. I think he can sense it, because he will hold me and tell me he loves me and how much he loves me every single day. Funny he used to never tell me that, or if he did, he would say I love you like a rock.javascript:void(0)
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