Acting out of fear.

I have been through this myself and wanted to share some thoughts about fear that I have been pondering for some time.

Being a FBS, I fully understand the fearfulness that occupies the mind of someone that has been betrayed with a completeness that I would probably sooner not have ever known.

It is SO difficult for someone that has been recently betrayed to put aside the fearfulness and move on toward the issues of self respect, dignity, and personal betterment.

Fear of not knowing the completeness of the details, the durations involved, the amount of partners; in general not knowing how deep the rabbit hole goes is a huge obstacle in recovery.

In hind sight, the sooner a BS can take control over their own lives and their emotions the better off they will be.

This is one of the reasons why the “details” are so important to a BS, along with the realization that by divulging them a FWS will be demonstrating trust in the relationship again.

Our women contributors time and again site that accommodating men are seen as wimpy and undesirable partners, particularly to a WW.

You have to determine in your mind what is the worst case. You have to get to a point where you have the ability to limit the amount of fear that you allow into your mind.

I know this may sound like Plank’s Psycho Babble hour, but it’s really the truth.

What you can do is control what you can control. Control yourself.

You can not control your WS or FWS for that matter.

For me playing out the “what if’s” and the possible consequences in my mind; over and over were liberating due to the fact that I saw how my own reactions would influence our relationship.

I realized that I had to become a better person to find any solace in our situation.

I had to realize that I was in fact half of the relationship.

This means that how you react or what you allow to go on in your M unchecked over the course of years plays a determining factor in the fluidity of your relationship.

We do actually train each other on how to behave.

Just my thoughts, if you have some diff’rnt let me know.

Plank

The question I asked myself which was most useful was " What would you do if you weren't afraid?".

The answers, if honestly determined, are usually very telling.

That's what a WS wants the BSH to think. The sane Wives would love an accmodating man. The one's who are always challenging, make life unbearable. I'd much rather have someone I can share time with instead of fight with.

L.

Bob,

After you told me that phrase, a long time ago, I asked myself that over and over.

Here’s what I came up with for about 8 months…

I was afraid that my W would do this [censored] to me all over again.

*She hasn’t.

I was afraid that my W was an antisocial psychopath incapable of a legitimate M.

*She's not. We both have issues, but they are workable.

I was afraid that she would dupe me and continue with dishonesty in general.

*I set boundaries with clear results that she hasn’t crossed yet.

I was afraid that she stayed for all the convenient and wrong reasons.

*There are a lot easier ways for her to secure a future that don’t include putting up with a basket case BH and enduring the consequences of having an A.

I was afraid that no matter how much I knew OM was a stinking turd, that he was a better choice for her than I was.

*Now I know, yup, he’s a stinking turd. But he could have been anyone with those morals and the results would have been the same.

I felt as if I was throwing myself off of a burning building and the person holding the net to catch me was her; and she was looking at all the guys arses as they walked by and I would surely die from head trauma and a neck twisted like a plated turkey’s.

But you can’t stay in a burning building.

So I said “F* it”. I loved her once for a reason.

And I jumped.

That’s a whole lot to be paranoid about.

So, it may be a little late, but thanks for those words. They helped me.

My FWW went through various stages here...After her PA (that I was unaware of) she wanted the accomodating husband and all we did was fight...When I finally became more accomodating and tried to save my marriage I got the "its too late"...and I became even more desperate and accomodating...and yet we still ended up divorced....

I believe that the WS can manipulate any situation into what they need....is a wimpy spouse an issue? Sure...but like many other situations it's convenient to blame it on that...I want to puke thinking about how I begged and pleaded for another chance......YAKKKK.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

What I feel impassioned to convey to new BS is that almos NOTHING they can do will make the situation worse. Their loved spouse is banging an OP and has convinced themselves they hat eyou. How can doing righteous MB things possibly make that worse ?

Fear stalls us. Binds us. The good news is that when we overcome our fear, the pride we feel is salve to our battered self esteem. Just IME of course.

Wow Plank. I posted on my thread that I was scared... and here are all the reasons why. I couldn't verbalize them as well as you have. It really helps me to know that other people have felt the same way, but it worked out for them.

Thanks so much for writing this out.

SaturnRising,

I’m happy that my words may have helped you.

I’ll be frank in the telling of my mind set at the time of awareness to betrayal.

At the time, there was absolute shock. I was INCAPABLE of expressing even the simplest emotions with accuracy of any sort.

I’ve referred to this first 8 weeks (guessing) as the time of great inaction on my part.

I wasn’t able to make decisions with a clear mind and true fear hadn’t really set in by that point.

I just knew that I would have rather sawed my left arm off with a spoon than go through what I was going through at the time.

All those things that I specified as being afraid of, in hindsight, were very real to me even though I couldn’t have conveyed my sentiments about them as well at the time too.

This has taken well over a year for me to make any sense out of them at all really.

There was one point that I realized that I had to condition my mind, spirit, and body to combat anything that the world was going to throw at me for me to be ok and achieve the ultimate Plankness.

I started back into martial arts, abandoned myself to the Lord, and started emotional conditioning with an IC’r.

I personally believe that to grow as a person you have to grow all three of those areas simultaneously and this has worked for me.

But I’ll tell you what I’d tell anyone; a BS standing up for all that is good and fighting for their M is the bravest act that I have ever been through or that I been witness to.

It is simply because the fear of the unknown and of the known in this situation are so oppressing.

If adultery were to rear it’s ugly head in my M again, it would not be met with the same Plank that it was met with in the past. Honestly, I don’t think it would be as devastating to me as it was before, but needless to say it would be the last occurrence period.

Sooo.. what if they're NOT "banging" the other person, and they dont hate you.. they just want to be with the other person more than you?

techie

So even in the case you cite, how can taking proven actions against their affair EA or PA) make the situations worse ?

IME the fear of a BS of an EA WS is that their actions will drive thieir WS to a PA.

In truth if a PA is going to happen it will happen anyway. In many cases in fact is has already happened. WS don;t usually tell the truth about this.

Studying MB, researching cases on these boards, investing in yourself, exposure - all these actions are still the right ones to help end the affair IMO.

all blessings

We beg and do desparte things because we see our lives slipping or being stolen before our very eyes. It is a normal reaction to try and protect our families.

However, what the WS really need is a swift kick with plan B or the like. That's hard for most BS'.

What the WS can't say is the BS didn't try because the efforts of most BS go waaay beyond what it normal. That instinct to protect your family (love) is stronger than any A. Even if the M ends in a D, the love for one's family lasts longer. No A can destroy that love. We move on but the love for our families is still there. That is why later, the anger turns toward the traitor of the family (WS).....in most cases.

That's where the BS needs to learn how to deal with it.

JMHO,
L.

The truth is most do not snap out of it until they realize the BS is ready to move on without them.

Those that stop their affair upon discovery by the BS seem to do so because they know that the BS is not going to accept it.

Those that do not stop their affair upon discovery seem to know that their BS is going to allow for some waffling, and so the games begin.

The difference in these two scenarios I believe is the fear the BS feels. And how they had behaved during their mariage before the affair seems to play a role in their level of fear.

It is why the BS really needs to examine his role in the marriage and determine how long and if any at all Plan A is needed. Most need to do a Plan A if the affair doesn't end upon discovery because there probably are some areas they could have done better and need to show a loving, attentive side to WS before the slap of Plan B (as Orchid puts it).

I agree with you Plank, fear is an awful noose to the BS but it is very likely and natural to have this fear. Very important to have a plan so the fear can be set backseat in order for it not to become disabling and doormating.

A plan (and goals) are the best antidote for the fear.

Excellent post Weaver. I love the clarity and the strength of it. Keep up the good work! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Weaver,

It’s ironic that I began to start getting better and felt like there might be some hope when I felt these words you typed:

[color:"blue"]“The truth is most do not snap out of it until they realize the BS is ready to move on without them."[/color]

*I* didn’t snap out of it until I thought I was ready to move on without her. I wasn’t “ready” for it, but I knew that I would be ok either way the mop flopped.

I’ll never really know if my W took notice that I was changing my outlook and if that affected her.

Well, unless she tells me.

As time wore on and I thought that my W would never change her rotten parts of our relationship and the things that were inside of her that needed to be worked on I started to visualize myself without her more and more.

The constant verbalizing of an A that seemed to always result with me being the “cause” did nothing to erase the fear that I thought I was burning the days of my life up for no good reason and that she would never try to see things for what really happened and why.

If you visualize something enough, it almost takes on a life of it’s own.

I kept this to myself, because at the time I was certain that our M had suffered enough negativity, but I’m sure it showed through.

Don’t get me wrong, I wanted my M more than I could describe!

But I was also ready to hit the eject button if any of the aforementioned list of fears came to pass as realities.

Unfortunately I’m not as strong as some of the strongest souls on these pages, and frankly I knew that I had a point of no return that once crossed would result in certain finality.

Fear driven responses to a situation that I did not want to be in and didn’t feel like I leveled on my own life had me very unbalanced for many months.

Things are better now in a lot of ways.

All of that sounds so damn manic now. What a neurotic stooge I must have looked like. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Nobody was more pathetic than I, and for 5 years too in a very hurtful R I didn't want to be in and was not even legally married to.

What really snapped me out of it was something Shattered Dreams said to me, I still remember it and he said it at the same time to both GrayCloud and me -

"Why don't you both picture the people you want to be and the life you want to have a year from now"

The power of visulization is very, very powerful because it was at that moment I decided to do just what SD said to do...and a year later I am well on the way to being that person, and my life is even starting to look like I wantd it to look.

Aerosmith's song "Amazing" comes to mind as well -

"It's amazing, the moment you know you will be okay."

I stopped being afraid when I realized I was in charge of everything that happens to me. When I realized we are manifesting exactly what we want to experience...but I'm not going to go getting all metaphysical on you. LOL

We are afraid when we think we have no control, and this couldn't be further from the truth, as we are the ones who have all the control over our lives.

And the WS usually wants to jump back on board when they see some of that confidence, and if not...well by then as you said you have had a lightbulb moment and have realized that you are ready for something different, something better, be it with your spouse or not.

I do not fear that. I am surprised that you think that others would think that; I cant imagine it.
Before my wife moved out, I was indeed worried that her EA would lead to a PA. However, I never thought it would happen "because of my actions". Rather, I thought it would happen if I just did nothing about it. It's why I eventually went crazy with worry, and nagging, and various things.
However, the core of this thread is, what does fear STOP you from doing? In contrast, my fear made me DO things I would not otherwise have done.


Now that she has moved out, worry about a PA does not concern me any more.


If I had found MB a month BEFORE my wife moved out, instead of a month AFTER, I think things would never have gotten this bad. But instead... I started reacting in ways that pushed her further and further up the anger/resentment scale, until she finally felt she had to move out.

The final trigger of her moving out, was a specific thing; discovery of her telling him she loved him, and vice versa. However, she was already threatening she "wanted out", days before. Due to my incredibly bad actions towards her. Some just stupid, some plain bad; inconsiderate, emotionally very harmful stuff, over the course of two weeks.

I have already come to terms with the issue that she may have had sex with him once or twice. (AFTER she moved out. I think). I just dont know the truth either way. But I'm not afraid of that. It makes me sick to think about it... but I'm not afraid of it.

my past negative actions, broke through her extremely high barrier of never moving out. never inflicting separation upon our children. I dont want to shatter any other protective barriers she has.

BTW: as far as "proven actions" go, before she moved out:
The only one that "fear" stops a BS from doing, is exposure.

exposure would not have worked, because it was already tried, with her first EA. Her family's attitude was, paraphrasing a bit: "there was no physical sex, so you have nothing to complain about; it was just "flirting"/"having a little fun". You're a nasty controlling man who is emotionally abusing your wife".

techie

Are you saying you don't want to take any action against your WWs affair in case it "shatters her protective barriers" ?

I think you are believing what she, an active ws, tells you. Its drivel. SHE has chosen to destroy your family not YOU. Unless you put a gun to her an frog marched he rout teh house she CHOSE to leave. High barriers my [censored] !

Affairs make WS go potty. And it makes them blame the BS for their bad behaviour.

When I exposed Squid told me she'd be moved out with the kids before I got home, and OM threatened to kill me.

Now OM and Squid are working on recovering their seperate families.

BTW: as far as "proven actions" go, before she moved out:
The only one that "fear" stops a BS from doing, is exposure.

I have seen fear prevent a BS from behaving in a "lov must be tough" manner - opening the door on the marriage for the WS to leave if they wish. I have seen BS gratefully accept crumbs out of fear.

Did I say SEEN 'em ? DONE 'em is a better phrase.


Have you exposed to OMs family or workplace ?

Well, if you say so. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LOL.

Sorry, I couldn't resist. Actually, it sounds pretty reasonable to me. There was a moment when I knew that I would be OK with my XW. The fear dissolved. I still have some issues to work. VOWS are the biggest one.

-AD

weaver,

I liked reading your post; it puts so much in perspective.



When I found out about my FWH's A, I was ready to walk. I told him, that he could "have" her, and I'd file for a divorce. He stopped the A the same day; he called her to tell her "no more contact" and that was it.

I don't think I could have ever done a Plan A, if he would have continued it. I would have never tolerated for him to continue his A. I was not afraid to walk. I was angry, hurt, and in disbelieve, but not afraid.

After reading your post, it made me think. If there is no fear on the part of the BS, it is probably well perceived by the WS. Even though at the time I didn't realize it. I just knew there was no in between for me, and he must have known that too.

I did a lot of "what ifs" in my mind as well, driving myself crazy. In the end though, I believe my decision would have always been the same.

This is really thought provoking. "Fear" on the part of the BS seems to be the major factor. And you are right our marriage sets the stage on how we interact with each other, how to predict reactions. If this is true, can we then influence the outcome after discovery of an affair? In other words, if a WS knows how his/her spouse will most likely react, can the BS bluff their WS into stopping the A immediatly?

I have to think on this a little bit more.