I’m new to all this and always thought my H was the last one to have an A. The joke's on me.


I found out my H was having an affair with his friends W in Feb. 06. I was so devastated that he could do this to me I went into shock and attempted suicide. I should add that I’m not suicidal now, just angry, numb and confused. He started lying to me right away saying they were just friends.


My H has never been a romantic or intimate person. The most intimate gift he ever gave me was some kind of cooking appliance. At 3:00 one morning I found a receipt for a very personal engraved gift he gave her for Valentine’s Day. (I’ve never received any kind of gift or card for V-Day in 32 yrs of marriage.) I then looked at the cell phone records and there were 100’s of calls.


My husband is the only man I’ve ever been with and the summer of 2005 I got an STD. I asked him if anything was going on. He assured me there wasn’t. It never occurred to him that I could have gotten it from the OW. H and I were both cured of the STD but he says he never told the OW about it. I kept getting the STD back but it still didn’t register in his head that I was getting it from him and OW. (He thought I was having an affair and that was where I was getting it from.) This was dangerous to me because my immune system was being suppressed because of a chronic illness.


We went into MC but I think our MC was doing more harm then good. We can’t get in to see another MC for another 4-6 weeks so I’m hoping both my H and I can get some support here because we are not doing so well at all.


H has been coming clean slowly. I told him the lies are worse than the A. I need to know how long the A went on. First he said it was only 6 weeks, then it was after he found out about my STD. He stuck with this lie until only a couple of days ago. Now he says I did get the STD from OW and that secret was killing him. I don’t understand why he would lie about this since I already knew!!!


I still don’t believe him because he says he can’t even remember the month the A started. I would like to hear from other WS because I think I would remember the exact date I destroyed my marriage.


Can anyone help? I’m having trouble dealing with all this!

troubled-water, welcome to MB. Click on the link in my sig line and read, read, read

Go get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley. Next at the top of the screen is a link to counseling with the Harley's. If your MC is doing more harm than good (not a surprise BTW) then call and make an appt with Harley. It will be the best money spent.

Now, is the A over? Does the OWH know about the A? NC (no contact) for life is a must. Your H will not be able to continue his friendship (yeah right some friend) with the H of the OW or with her.

I am very sorry for your pain. Many here have walked in your shoes and you will find a lot of good advice and support. God bless you.

TW,

Welcome to MB. Sorry you have to be here and with an STD to boot.

Ok, now the best thing is to help you get over the shock and get into a plan.

Please read the concepts section above and go get 3 books:

Surviving an Affair - Harley
His Needs/Her Needs - Harley
Love must be Tough - Dobson

There are other good ones but this is a start. You need a plan to help you recover 1st (plan A), then if he is still a WS (even in spirit only), learn and implement plan B.

That's enough for you to get started today. We can talk about the rest of our suggestions later (i.e. creating your personal support group, securing finances, exposure, etc.). Take things in a way you can handle them. Don't do all at once.

You have more support and tools to fight this than you realize. We will help you see where they are and how to use them.

I have to run to the office this morning.

take care,
L.

The lies do more damage than the acutal A in my opinion. He may not remember the exact date, it can get very confusing when you are the WS. I can remember certain events surrounding the start of the physical part of my A but could not tell you the exact moment. Mostly what he is doing is protecting himself by not telling you the truth. Add some shame on top of that and the foggy brain of a WS will lie, lie and lie some more.

Thank you for your replies "faithful follower", and "Orchid"!

The A is over but I'm still cautious. OW always said "she always gets what she wants". But my H is now starting to see her for what she really is.

I told the OW's H the night I found out. When I later went to talk to him and ask OW what I ever did to deserve her working for over a year to get my H in an affair. She denied the A and said I'm crazy. When I gave OW specific details that only her H could know, she came at me and started choking me until her H pulled her off me. Then her H slammed me up against their front door and told me to "get out of his house".

I have been reading on MB for about a month but had trouble logging on. I've printed out almost everything Dr. Harley has.


I forgot to mention that when I found out about the A, we were 2 weeks from having our home and business reposessed. I've been adding up what this A has cost us and I'm up to $16,000 so far. I'm so numb I can't even go to work. (My job requires a very sharp and quick mind.)

Your exposure was dangerous. NO more contact with OW's H, unless you have a police escort (called civil standby - like to deliver an RO if needed). You can't get one yet because you went to them. When was the exposure?

No more asking OW for info. Your H was just as guilty as OW if not more, so deal with his issue not her's. Her's will be her H's probem.

L.

Aside from the starter advice already given here are a few things to remember for yourself.

1) EAT enough healthy foods
2) DRINK enough water
3) REST

After DDAY most folks are in shock and forget or refuse to take care of the physical needs. Taking care of yourself might seem low on the priority list, but it really should be at the very top.

And I agree, cease all contact with OW and OWH. Sounds very dangerous physically.

Now remember that there is no way for anyone to resolve all the issues that get dumped in the open in the aftermath of exposure in a short time.

Also becareful what you ask as far as details. Think if knowing some detail is worth the memory of it.

I promise there are some details that will be hard to live with.

The good news is that if you are up for it and listen to the veterans around here you have a chance to save your marriage if you want to.

The ladies that have already answered your post will almost for sure be a very good source of information and support.

It has been 2 years since my nightmare started and I can finally say that my marriage is stronger now that it ever has been. Even after all the lies and hatefulness that would make an outsiders head spin.

I hope the best for you and remember to please listen to what the veterans have to say. Doing so will not erase the pain but it will make the burden just a little easier to bare.

At the time, I just wanted the OW to know that I know. I thought I was safe with her H there since her H, my H and I were very good friends for 13 yrs. It was something I felt I had to do and never thought he would be the one to blame me.


Through the conversations my H and I have had, we have since found out that she has a very dark past. She even told my H that "she's gone through great lengths to hide her past." She is very good at getting everyone around her to think she is a very hard worker and a sweet person. She had me fooled and it's hard to fool me. She is VERY good at this!


OW H is a prominent business man and she likes the status and the money. She hates her H but only stays with him because of this.


Both my H and I will avoid the OW at all costs because we are finding out how sick the OW is. We now think she is capable of anything.

Thank you greergan for your insight. I haven't been eating very well. All I really want to know is the length of time the A went on so I can come to terms with it and try to start healing.

I hate lies and had told him when we started MC in March 06 that I won't start over with a marriage based on a lie. If he ever did this to me again I'm gone. He agreed.

My H seems very remorseful and is starting to see what his A has done to me.


I just want to get everything out in the open ASAP so I can do my crying and start to heal. I want to get the OW out of our marriage once and for all but I can't do that until he is honest. The more he lies the more I will mistrust him when he does finally tell the truth.

Should my WS post here as well to get "both sides of the story" or is it better to post separately?

There's a letter around here, called Joseph's letter, I think. I'll try to find a link, and maybe one of the pros has it handy.

Anyway, it's a great illustration to give to a WS about why they need to give the BS the truth. I'd have your H read that, if possible.

There are a few other married "teams" who post on here. If you don't mind each other reading your posts, then it would probably be easier for everyone to follow, and be able to comment, if you both post on the same thread. But if you have things that are very separate or need totaly diferent viewpoints, then separate threads might work better.

Aside from not having contact with the OW ever again, what steps have you and your H taken to move forward? If you've been reading, then you know the 4 rules, and about POJA, radical honesty, etc. Have you discussed any of this with your H? Is he willing to listen?

Having no contact with the OW is a huge, huge start. You're in great shape. Listen to the pro's, they will help.

-AmI.

I will disagree, and recommend that you and your husband NOT comment on each other's threads. Others have tried this and it nearly always devolves into a public fight between the two of them.

Much better for each of you to start your own separate thread. You may read the other's thread but not post to it.

Good luck and welcome to MB.
Mulan

I'd take Mulan's suggestion .... she has more experience than I do! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

-AmI.

Thank you AmIok and Mulan. After some thinking, I feel I'm not ready for my WH to even read my posts. This is very difficult for me as it is, but I may not be able to express my feelings knowing my H will be reading it. At least for now.

I haven't been on here for a couple of days. I followed Orchid's advice and had my H get the books she recommended. We have been reading "After The Affair" together for the past 2 days. Wow, is that a good book!

I've been so depressed, I haven't been able to go to work or even go outside for 2 weeks. I don't know if I'll have a job much longer if I can't at least get to a point where I can function.

I feel like I did die in Feb. 06 and I'm just the leftover empty shell going through the motions of life.

I need some opinions on something that bothers me.

My WH had given the OW a gift with her name on the front and the words "I want to take care of you" engraved on the back. To me, those words are just one step emotionally from the words "I Love You" but my WH disagrees.

What do you think?

Dear Troubled_Water,

please know that people who have A's don't think straight.
They have a warped way of thinking, called "fog" here on the MB discussion forum.
In this "fog" their logical, normal thinking doesn't work.
They will say and do things that are weird, and actually resemble someone on drugs.

One theory on "why" this is, is that an A releases very nice hormones in the brain, and like a drug addict, the WS will do anything to keep those hormones flowing.

Another theory is that a normally decent and caring person, who does something he/she bloody well KNOWS is wrong and hurtful.. has to find a way around that.. to not feel totally guilty and lousy.
So the mind provides a way out by DENIAL... rewriting history.. finding (stupid) ways to "blame" the BS... lying.. minimising... whatever it takes to not hear the voice of their conscience.

I'll give you an example.
My WH made it very clear to OW that he was only in it for sex & fun and had no romantic ideas about their A.
Yet OW convinced herself there was much more..
That she loved my H...
That she could love both her BH and my H...
Because she didn't want to feel like a wh*re...
And she was quite shocked when she came out of her fog and realised it HAD been all about sex, never about love.
She was my best friend !
Yet she thought, all through the A of 1 year+, that "it wasn't wrong because it felt so good" (yuck).

So don't take anything your WH did or said during his A too seriously.
It's foggy rambling.
If he really had loved OW that much...
Why is he still with you ?
Because you're his #1.

OW got what she wanted - she got your H at his worst: lying and cheating.
Not much of a catch.

You will get the best your H can be - a man who wants to do the right thing and stand by your side.

Call your doctor and let him know how you are feeling. You may need some AD's to help you. Practice deep cleansing breathes and take walks. Pray for a clear mind and calm heart. These little things help in a big way.

Please read my sig link about the stages of grieving. You will find where you are and what might be ahead for you. Then you can prepare yourself better. Know that some of this will have to run it's course. While you may feel bad now, the strength you will gain from a good plan A will empower you to move forward. As BH just posted, the OW got your H at his worst. You really don't want a WS in your home. You want your good H or an even better one back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

brownhair, I guess it's hard for me to understand this "fog" stuff. I've read Dr. Harley's "Why Women Leave Men" and nearly 100% of it pertained to what I was feeling. According to that, I'm the one who should have had an A but I didn't.

My H says he had an A because he thought I was having one. I went to work and was home every night.

Orchid, I did go to the doctor and I am on ADs. My H went to the Dr. today because he is depressed also. He's not home yet so I don't know how that turned out.

As far as what stage I'm in, I'm going through Denial, Anger, Bargaining and Depression depending on the hour.