Congrats to my friend bob pure*

And many thanks to him, the members of idiotville and so many others.

We are a week shy of DDay+2 years. Triggers a plenty for me, to the point of ridiculousness. [color:"green"] But [/color] my wife and I are back in love and building a new marriage (and the triggers are not as bad as last year).

So mr. pure is right:
"Please take heart. This success is not rare."

But it takes a lot of work. All of it has been well worth it thus far.

I would not have thought 2 years ago that I would still be married and have my family next to me every day. But I held on through all the affair induced craziness that was offered to me and made it through.

I honestly do not know where I would be today with out all of the support that I found here at MB. I do know that the ****** I went through would have been much, much worse if I had not found this place.

For all you newbies: Success is not a fordrawn conclusion but life on the other side [color:"green"] IS [/color] made better by the advice and personal stories shared by the veterans around here.

Spud man, just remember to wear your BS ribbons on parade days.

I always knew you'd do it, even when YOU didn't know it.

Congratulations mate.

How could I *not* make it with you to light my way? I took most of my cues from you.

Hey spuddy! Congrats on 2 years post DDAY. If others could only know the dark nights we went through with you and now here you are! All of God's blessings on you and EL

Thanks FF.

Thankfully I only have trace memories of those dark painful nights. Just a ghost of the memories really. Maybe in a couple more years they won't even be that.

Thanks for the post. I am 6 months and one day post d day and it seems to have gotten more difficult lately. Tons of triggers of anger and bitterness towards my WS.

Knowing the success stories helps.

Thanks,

congrats greergan!!!

You will find that success is celebrated here. With techniques that work and positive people, it can be a great big party.

bOb Pure's post is amazing, and one new to this site should take heart that it is possible to survive an A and other blunt force trauma to your M.

Good luck greergan!

BS06
I am 6 months and one day post d day and it seems to have gotten more difficult lately. Tons of triggers of anger and bitterness towards my WS.

Hi mate.

Recovery is called a rollercoaster for a really good reason. I never truly believed that until I rode the loops myself.

What you feel is normal and doesn;t mean your recovery is bad.



I have seen my own recovery, and that of many other BS follow predictable steps. The steps or stages may be similar but the timelines are very different. Also, once the full set has been run through, stages can be selected in seemigly random fashion.


1.- Devastation.
Fear, shock, confusion, existential pain. Loss of hopes, dreams and every assumption about God and man.
D-day and just afterwards. Don't want to go there again, ever.

2.- Appeasement.
OK, I've been dealt a [email]cr@p[/email] hand, but if she will at least stay home SOME of mt life support systems may at least function a bit.

3.- Indignation.
F'k that ! I'm stronger now and i WILL NOT suck up any more pain than I have to. Still scared, but not settling for crumbs.
This is where MB gets SERIOUSLY assimilated and applied. Turns hatred on OM as being to blame for affair.

4.- Gratitude.
The affair is ended, WW sends NC letter, exposure scares OM into darkness. THANK YOU GOD ! LA LA LA LA LA ! Still suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.

5.-"Advising others how to be wonderfully recovered like I am"

We have like SF 3 times a day, and a restored marriage is a decent possibility again and I am so PATHETICALLY grateful to not be in the deepest [email]cr@p[/email] imaginable I am hyper-happy. Yessiree, no recovery problems for me !This is it for ever and it only took us x months ! Secretly suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.

6.-"Ah, theres an elephant in the sitting room"

So day to day life has been OK for a while now. SF, even maybe some ILYs. Kids are happy. Life is ACTUALLY not happier than for years but it is so much better than during the dark times of the affair and withdrawal that it seems that way. But you start to notice the 'elephant' in the sitting room : the enormous baggage of the affair that the BS has been previously too 'fight or flight' or psychotically happy to address. Suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.

7.- "I am angry and I don't need you so whY am I here ?"

BS has operated in a loveless and hurt world for so long is now amost completely self sufficient. Is no longer even slightly desperate. Does not NEED FWW as whole life support mechnanism has HAD to regrow without her while she betrayed and sulked over the months. Feels indignation at both the insult of the affair AND the insult of FWW not contributing HARD to recovery. Feels like an ATM machine and bodyguard and hugely taken for granted. KNOWS FWS still loves OM.

8. - What about MY needs ?

BS has developed a sense of self worth independent of what others think. Has had to. Thinks he deserves MUCH more affection, admiration respect, gratitude. " I didn't put this amount of effort in just to be nagged at all the time, and never be praised. I deserve MORE than that!." The kids happiness at a stable family quells thoughts of rebellion. realises OM was just an amoral scumbag who made the most of an opportunity FWW offered him, 100% of the blame for the A is FWW. This hits hard.

9. - Resignation

The kids are happy, I am not unhappy, FWW is happy, this is just my lot in life. Better get on with it.

10.- make or break drive to get a M the BS deserves.

An effort from BS to challenge the peaceful but unsatisfying status quo in an attempt to get BS needs met.

If you understand this, your feeings at any given time can be understood better.

All blessings

6-8 months seems to be when BS resentment peaks as well. At this stage, the greatest danger to recovery is the BS

I would extend the 6-8 months that the BS is the greatest danger to the marriage. At least until the point that recovery is done and the new building starts.

After 2 years of recovery I am only now just feeling like less of a threat to the longevity of our marriage. There have been plenty of times when my 'taker' has wanted to thrown the towel in and walk away.

I only just now feel like we have started, only scratched the surface of building a new marriage.