I just moved from "Just Found Out".

My story is....
My H and I are married for 3 years and I just found out H had an affair with other woman who is his co-worker and one of his soft ball team members. As soon as I found out something was going on between H and somebody else, H admitted he was unfaithful to me and we had a big argument and he left home in the end of Jun. Their physical relationship started in Jun. I am the only one who wants to save our marriage and WH kept telling me that he doesn’t love me any more and he actually do not know what he wants to do, but gradually he started to tell me about a Divorce in directly.
WH said his relationship with the woman is already over and he has nobody now, but according to the telephone bill, they talk on the phone all the time, morning and evening, and nobody can reach my WH during weekend, which means he is with the woman.

I still love him so much and I try to save our marriage, however I can not reach him, I do not know where he lives and whenever he feels like to talk to me, he will call me back only if I left message to him. We had lots of conversation about our current situation and still WH is very stubborn for D. I do not know what to do.

WH tried to come back home twice and we had really uncomfortable time being together and had big argument and now our situation is almost impossible to save our marriage. But I still want to try something to work out for saving our marriage. We still see each other once a week, and talk on the phone sometimes. But WH does not want me to touch him or kiss him. WH treats me as a dirty thing. Fortunately, our parents and family members are very supportive to us and they hope us to save our marriage.

***********************************************************

That was two month ago. Three months has passed since WH has left home and we are still separated. My WH is still contacting OP more than before.

I do not know how Plan A works in our situation. We do not have any children or live together for 3 months. I exposed his infidelity to his family and my family but not to his workplace or his friends. OW is a co-worker but I still do not know if I should expose his infidelity to his workplace, because WH sometimes comes back home to spend time with me (he has never stayed and take some clothes or any other things he needs from our place). I want someone to guide me to good example letter/e-mail to expose it to his workplace in case I really want to do so. Even though I am not ready to do so, because whenever we spoke about our situation, I have never push him or force him to make any big decision, but he always cried when I talk with him honestly. I feel bad for him to let his friends and company know what he did. I tried to control my LB and I am managing my feeling very well so far to make our place to be most confortable and peaceful place for him to come back, I guess…… But I feel like I am a doormat.

Do you think I should expose it to his work place?
I believe he will get so upset and will never speak with me anymore.
He kept telling me that he cannot forgive himself because of what he has done to me and to out marriage that`s why he does not to tray to save our marriage. He denies that he has somebody behind him and OP is a just a friend. I really do not know what to do next.

Who is this OW? Is she married? What do you know about her?

Is he living with the OW? Is that why he won't tell you where he lives?

I know who she is and her cell phone No. and direct No. at work. She is single and has two other roommates. I know her address and name of roommates.

What should I do? Should I call her? or Should I contact to workplace first?

If it were me, I would find out if he is living with her. I would also find out who her parents are. Once I gathered this information, I would expose to her parents and to the workplace AT THE SAME TIME in order to get the maximum effect. Any other exposure targets should be done at the same time.

In informing the workplace, I would suggest sending a letter to human resources informing them of the affair and the dangers of sexual harrassment resulting from workplace affairs. Then ask them this: WHAT DO YOU INTEND ON DOING ABOUT THIS OR DO I NEED TO TAKE THIS FARTHER UP THE LINE?

Address the letter to the head of HR, and cc the CEO, your H and the OW's supervisors. that way no one person can take it upon themselves to deep six your letter.

But first off, find out where he is. I suspect he might be living with the OW.

MelodyLane is right. My only advice is do it sooner rather than later. Expose Expose Expose until the blood stops flowing. Don't worry about any fallout. Your M is first and foremost.

The very first thing I did when I found out about my WW's A was to expose to OM's boss. WW and OM were still out of the country at the time but the boss took swift action. I got OM fired and deported very easily because I took quick action and the company knew I would not tolerate the behavior.

I have not exposed to my WW's friends where we live. At some point, if we do decide to remain together, she needs to be able to have some self-respect. If she continues her affair in the future, I will immediately email everyone in her address list.

If you want to save your M, show no mercy to WH. Everything he has said to you is typical. I was told exactly the same things by my WW. It is disappointing that they can't be more creative.

I would even tell personnel that your H has abandoned you and you need help in getting an address for him or else ask their permission to use his work address for correspondence, subpoenas, process serving, etc. They'll just hate that idea.

MelodyLane,

Thank you for your response.
I do not think WH and OW live together, because yesterday, I found our WH ordered flower to OW and her roommates (I do not know who they are, maybe sisters) for their housewarming. They just moved to new apartment. And WH and OW are always calling each other late night or early in the morning bet 9PM to 1AM. If they live together, they do not need to call each other. Also, when I called him late at night, he answered some times. What do you think?
I still do not know how I can find where he lives.

Karanba, you could follow him or have him followed. Why do you think he would not tell you where he lives? Do you think he rented a place in the hopes the OW would move in with him?

piojitos,
Thinking about exposure makes me feel another pain. But I will make a list to expose at WH`s company. "Expose Expose Expose until the blood stops flowing. Don't worry about any fallout. Your M is first and foremost." You gave me a strength, thank you.
How did you approach to the OM`s boss, when you exposed? WH is working for a big company and I believe that they have a policy on inappropriate relationships. I actually have no proof of their relationships besides Tel bill. Do you think that is enough to expose?

Did you see any good sample letter in someone’s post? I am haveing a hard time to write a formal letter to the workplace.

MelodyLane,
I know the area he lives, but I do not know exact address. Problem is that his place is always sublet. I actually followed him once, and last time I found out his place, he moved out to another place. He has only clothes and lives in furnished apartment. I feel stupid to follow him again.

I keep asking myself if I want to know exactly what is going on. I thought to have PD to find where he is or to get pictures of OW and WH are together. But I think if I know everything, which makes thing worse. I mean I do not know if I can control LB.

Of course, he rented the place to see OW and maybe he is hoping OW to move in someday. I have no doubt.

When I went to see the boss I was very contrite. I explained to him that I had a problem and was not blaming anyone but that one of his employees had used his position to have an A with my wife. I was not wanting to cause anyone any problems but I asked if he would speak to the employee and ensure that he kept distance from my wife. I told him that if the employee continued to approach my wife, I would be forced to file a security complaint. He told me if I did that, it would become very public. I said none of that mattered to me. What his employee was doing was wrong and if he did it with my wife, he would do it with others and it had to stop. The boss was extremely sympathetic and he took measures much further than I had asked. He did not tell me he would fire the guy but he called him in, got a confession and received a resignation. Even so he told me he would keep the guy for a month or longer until he got a replacement but he reassigned the guy very far away. Long story short, one day I ran into the guy who saw the car and was looking for my wife. He had a day off and was where he should not have been. A chase ensued, security captured the guy. I went to file a security complaint. I got calls all night long telling me the guy was terminated, his photo was up in every entrance and they called him in and told him if they ever saw his face again that he would go to jail. He was deported within a week.

I think my attitude in confronting the boss was somewhat calculated, somewhat real but paid off in spades. I never threatened, never raised my voice and never tried to blame him for my problems. He became my best ally in killing the A.

piojitos,

Thank you very much for sharing your experience.
I hope my approach to WH`s boss will work as yours.
My problem is WH and his boss is very close each other and the boss is not in the same states(WH`s company is huge and managing system is very unusual), and HR is also in the different states. I do not know how my approach will work.
I called the company to find out where the HR is and the receptionist told me the address in the different states.

All I have as a proof is telephone bill and one e-mail that WH is asking OP to go on vacation together. Do you think those are enough to expose to his workplace?

My WH canceled his cell phone last Friday and now I can not see his calling record any more. His phone no. is still same, so that I still can reach him though. But he does not answer the phone.

Let me ask a different question. Since WH and OW are co-workers, does either one have an expense account? Do you think they could have ever done any business travel or quiet business meals (an IRS term) or something similar together? In other words, do you think they might have left a paper trail that an accounting audit might reveal? There would be no way to hide it BTW. Accountants know how to find those things.

If you go to his boss or HR, I would request an appointment without explaining why. Don't tip your hand prior to any discussion. Be very calm and reasonable. I don't know the nature of the company or the business but most companies do not like any kind of scandal (i.e. potential lawsuit). If you suspect that they did any business travel together, you might bring that up. I doubt the company is going to be forthcoming in providing you evidence of the affair. They could be sued themselves by the WH and OW.

I would not tell the company you have a weak hand. Be very assertive that you have positive proof of the affair and leave it at that. It is all they need to hear. They are not a judge and it is not a court. Be strong, calm, self-assured and explain to the boss very clearly what your objective is. Do not say "I was hoping you could help bust up the A".

So you need to think about what you want from the boss. What is a reasonable expectation that you could have that he/she could grant? Could it be separate work locations? Transfers? etc. Most companies will go way over and above what you request but it is better if they feel it is their choice rather than a response to a threat from you. Never threaten anything. Keep the boss on your side.

Can you request a video conference meeting with the boss? There are services almost everywhere that can offer this facility at very low cost. I would prefer a video conference to a phone interview. I like eye contact.

My husband has a credit card, which was provided by company for any business expense. As I know, WH is extremely careful for using it but I hope he have left something.

I do not think I would request a videoconference meeting. What I am thinking is sending an e-mail to his boss, a letter to HR and OW`s family. I finally found an address of OW`s family.

I would like to have any opinion about an e-mail to his boss. He is on the business trip most of the time, and when I called his office, his answering machine was on all the time. I did not send it yet, because I have no confidence for it + I am not native. Please give me an advice after reading.


Dear ,

I am (my name), (WH`s name)`s wife and we saw at XXX a couple of years ago.

First of all I have to apologize that I am sending this email to your business address about my private matter but it related to workplace. And this e-mail address is the only way to contact you.
I wish I could see you in person and speak with you in (City name he lives).

My husband has been involving inappropriate relationship with his co-worker whose name is Ms. Xxxxxxxxx at xxx office (Direct No. 123-456-789) and he actually left home a couple of months ago. I am not trying to blame anybody, however their relationship affected to our marriage dramatically and I can not ignore the office affair any more.

(Company`s name) may have policies against inappropriate relationship at workplace or take disciplinary action as most company does, and my expectation from (Company`s name) is that they work at separate workplace.
My husband may deny if you ask about the co-worker, although I have some positive proof of the affair.

Honestly with you, I am caring for my husband’s career. He is a hard worker and I know how much he proud of his job and I am willing to save our marriage, therefore I decided to e-mail you rather than explicit exposure.

I appreciate if I can have any chance to talk with you as soon as possible. I am available to speak with you at 987-654-3210 anytime.

Sincerely,

Pretty good letter. Maybe tweak it a bit, like:



Something that brings out the fact that any tolerance for an A will harm their company's reputation. I would send a copy to the HR department as well. If they are a national company, expect it to have policies in place regarding this kind of situations. This is a big thing for HR depts nowadays.

Be respectful and firm. The boss may want to back down but if you also copy the HR dept, he may do what he needs t/d.

Realize this wil upset the WS and could cost him his job. If you are still ok with it, move forward. If not, find another way to expose. You have to be willing to accept the risks.

L.

Please run this through a good grammar and spell checker. If you have spelling and grammar mistakes, it will hurt your position in the opinion of your audience. the more professionally the email is written, the more professionally it will be received.

Remove the above sentence entirely. This is NOT A PRIVATE MATTER! Workplace affairs are not private matters. Private matters should stay private and you view it as "private" they can too by ignoring your "private matter." They are WORKPLACE MATTERS. There is nothing to apologize about.



Please call it what it is, an AFFAIR, rather than an "inappropriate relationship." Take out the sentence "I am not trying to blame anybody."


Add this sentence: I would like to know what you intend on doing about this or do I need to take this further?


The rest of the letter is good, except for some grammatical errors as piojitos referenced. Good job!

I am not going to disagree but I do recommend you think this through. This is a blatant threat. Most people don't react well to threats. Personally I would not do this. I much prefer to go with the attitude that most bosses are incompetent so that they need their thinking done for them. I mentioned a few posts back that you need to give some serious thought to what you really want this boss to do, what you would find acceptable for him doing and what you will not accept. If I were you, I would tell him what you expect him to do about the situation but that it should be reasonable (as I posted before). I would not make this threat and especially in writing. ML has some other good suggestions for the other parts of the email. I just don't like the threat.

OTOH I don't see anything wrong in saying "if you cannot meet my requirement of xxxxxx, I will have no other recourse but to take it up with the HR deparment." Although it is a threat, it is also a very clear statement of your planned course of action. I would also copy HR on the original email. This is not a shotgun approach but you need some visibility here.

If I were a boss and you sent me what ML wrote, I would dismiss you as a crackpot. It just rings hollow. Sorry ML. JMO. I would also contact IT and have your email address blocked from the company server.

I don't agree it is a threat at all, piojitos, only a signal that this letter should not be thrown in the trash and this all swept under the rug. Which will be the tendency. If she gets no response, then she can send letters higher up the chain. That is not really a threat, but a PROMISE. This will tell them that they have a serious problem here that cannot be swept under the rug. It states clearly her expectation that she is not simply sending this letter as a chatting exercise, but that she expects them to address this in some way.

If I receieved this letter as a boss, [and I have been a hiring manager before] I would not dismiss it at all. I would know that it was to be taken seriously and could not be swept under the rug.

Sorry ML. It is a threat. I can't turn it any other way. It is an angry statement and unprofessional.