Hi all, I could really use some advice. I have been married to H for 11 years, we just had our first child last year. I recently discovered evidence that he might be cheating. Not an affair exactly, but I think he has been seeing "escorts". I don't know what to do about it. The evidence so far includes some emails that he wrote to see if a girl was available, and trips on the EZPass (electronic tolls) in places he shouldn't be, as well as lots of time spent on certain internet sites. The worst part is, I suspect that this may have been going on for years.

I have been struggling with depression since the baby was born, and now this has me so miserable that I can't think straight. Should I call him on it? I have not mentioned anything about it, I really have no hard evidence that he actually met up with anyone, so he could just lie about everything. And then he would know to cover his tracks better.

I just don't understand. It hurts in the worst way, and I feel like I am losing my mind, so any advice or suggestions would be welcome.

Thank you,
Cat

lostcat, I would suggest finding out what is really going on before you confront him. If you confront him without hard evidence he will just do a better job of hiding the truth. If you confront him with irrefutable evidence, you will know the truth and he will have a harder time denying it. Of course, if you have this all wrong and he is innocent, your snooping will CLEAR HIM! So, it will be beneficial no matter the outcome.

Try putting a keylogger on his computer for a few days until you know EXACTLY what he is doing. One that I know of is actmon home edition. Be sure and pay for it online so you aren't using the trial version. Intall it in invisible mode and then run your anti-virus and anti-spyware to see if they pick it up. If they pick it up, then program them to ignore it. You can also have the reports emailed to another email account so you can read them elsewhere. The URL is www.actmon.com

That will be the first step. Find out what is really going on and then come back here and tell us. We can help you from that point.

Lostcat:

Follow Melody Lane's advice, she is the FBI, MI6 and Secret Service all wrapped into one.

You may find out that your H is into some awful stuff as well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Are you ready to find out? Be prepared for the fight.

After 11 years and then having a 1 year old, alot of M fall into ruts. Read elsewhere on this site regarding EN's, and see how much yours have changed since the babies arrival.

THe next two months are going to be a crazy, but keep posting as there is great advice here to follow.

Thank you for the replies. I know things are different now that we have the baby, and I realized after reading through the stuff on ENs that I have not been the best wife I can be, and I am going to work on that.

He started erasing the browser history the last few weeks, so obviously there is something he doesn't want me to see. So I did install monitoring software this past weekend, it captures the web history and also has a keylogger. He sent an email to an escort yesterday. I have his password, so I can look for replies. I hate snooping like this though, it seems to be almost as seedy and disgusting as what he may be doing.

We are also having money problems, and I never really understood where all the money went, but this would explain it. There are lots of cash withdrawals, not huge, but they add up.

I found one other thing too, after snooping with his passwords. On one website, I found a review of an escort that was written under his username. This was done in 2004. So I am fairly sure that something is happening, and even if he is not actually getting together with anyone, he is still spending too much time online. So, how can I find out if something physical is going on?

Thanks for any advice, it helps to get feedback from you all.

Cat

From Penalty Kill

Escort = prostitute. Given that your H wrote a "review" of one in 2004, and you are missing $, I would be very concerned about STDs if I were you. *Very* concerned. I'm kind of surprised that no one has brought it up.

Maybe you hesitate to call it an affair, since there is probably not a relationship, but these escorts do more than escorting, call it what you will. And if your H was just looking back in 2004, I should think he's gone a bit farther since then.

I have a family member who recently discovered that her H's trips to Vegas, to which she could turn a blind eye (cushioned by a lot of $) were just the tip of the iceberg. You don't want to find out the way she did, believe me.

Good luck.

Yes, I have thought of stds. That is why I feel I need evidence of something physical, not just online. I don't want to be intimate if there is a chance it's true, ya know? But I don't know how long I can pretend to have a headache or whatever before he starts wondering what's up.

If it weren't for the baby, I would have taken some time off to go visit family, alone. I need time to think, but I feel like I don't have time, I feel a bit panicky.
Thanks,
Cat

Lostcat --

I feel for you. It saddens me to hear of a man doing such things to his wife and new child.

BUT.....

You have the evidence.

You now have to act on it.

Everything is there -- you have to be willing to admit to yourself that your husband is cheating on you, stealing from you and endangering you and your baby.

STDs such as HPV are impossible to detect in men and hard to catch in women but can cause serious long term problems.

YOU MUST GET YOURSELF TESTED.

You may never find "physical" evidence, but I'm curious as to what you mean or would qualify as physical evidence.

Regardless of what "evidence" you have, he has explaining to do. You must screw up enough courage to confront him and hold his feet to the fire until he provides truthful and satisfactory answers for his web-surfing habits, disappearance of money and infidelity.

I wish you strength and courage.

OMG, now I am really panicking. He just called me at work, from home, and says he doesn't feel good and will probably take the afternoon off. OK, I have had a cold too. But when I said "Do you want me to come home early so I can take care of you?" he said "yes, when can you get here?". This does not sound good at all. He would not ask me to leave work unless it was something serious.

Please pray for me that this will all work out with a happy ending.

Cat

You need to pull yourself together. He doesn't need pampering, he needs t/d some explaining. That will come when u r ready to handle it.

For now, go hear what he has to say. If he isn't feeling well, give him instructions on how to take care of himself or send him to the doctor.

Go take care of yourself. Go read Surviving an Affair, read the concepts section above, take the EN quesionnaire (once as you and 2nd as him), call Steve H @ MB and setup some phone counseling.

Get to a doctor and get checked for STDs. Refrain from any sexual intimacy with your H (now WS) until he comes clean. He needs to get checked also.

Expect him to deny and babble. Remind him of AIDs and other sexually transmitted diseases are prevalent with prostitutes. Escort services are another word for those hoars. Sounds legit but up to the same crappy business.

L.

Thank you everyone for your advice. As it turns out WH found this website and found my posts (recognized himself) and that's why he asked me to come home early. He confessed, said he needs help, and is sorry. No fighting, no denial, just the beginnings of some communication. It is going to be a long road, but he says he is willing to do what it takes. I want to believe him, but he will have to earn my trust again.

We will be going to counseling, and I asked him to read the materials on MB. Wish us luck.

Cat

lostcat:
This is really good news. He found MB on his own, he's reaching out to you, he wants to stop.

You may be shocked when he reveals his hidden self to you. Try to hang on and not let your feelings skew your perspective. The reality is that your husband loves you, this is NOT YOUR FAULT, and your relationship can overcome this.

You're not alone in your feelings and this forum can help you both. Would your husband be willing to post here too? There are many guys here that understand first-hand what he's experiencing.

Best wishes and lots of luck to you both. Keep posting.

Dear Lostcat,

Very happy for you. My SO of almost 8 years was visiting escorts/prostitutes/hookers/massage parlors (whatever you call them)...all the same, after I found out, it was devastating, until this day, it’s been exactly 1 year what I believe was his last visit to an escort. You are very lucky that your husband is willing to work it out with you, I had to deal with it the hard way, and it was not easy…especially after I confronted him, he was still paying visits.

Hope your husband is completely open and honest, not sure where you are located at, but where we live (Bay Area), there are some very popular websites that provide men in this hobby guide lines on how to keep it a secret from their SO, including buying a pay-as-you go phone just for calling hookers, because there are no records, and no bills. My SO too wrote a review for one specific escort, and I am sure you probably had the same reaction or feeling I did, I heard and felt my heart pumping so hard, I thought I had a heart attack. The emotions and feelings you will encounter with this kind of cheating is very similar to regular affairs, at least for me…yet, you feel that you are alone, because most husbands who cheat are not with another SW (Sex Worker), I am finally healing after more than a year of discovery, and it wasn’t easy, but it did get easier after SO started to become remorseful, and wanted to work things out between us. Good luck, and feel free to ask me anything if you need help or guidance. I am sure you will be able to recover, especially seeing how your husband has already initiated his problem.

SweetyBB

Lostcat --

This is great news. But tighten your seatbelt.

Your husband will most likely suffer withdrawal from all of this. It most likely provided him a "thrill" and adrenaline rush to fantasize about the _whores_ and hookers. It will take time for him to learn to redirect those energies.

You both must agree on some strategies to help him. I forget who summarized the prayer as such, but it is accurate:

"Lord, where I have the opportunity to sin, take away the desire. Where I have the desire to sin, take away the opportunity."

In essence, you both need to agree to concrete, constructive ways to deny your husband both the desire and opportunity to continue to contact these _whores_.

He will have to do much of the "desire" removal, but you can help with the MB concepts (meeting ENs, no LBs, etc).

The opportunity part can involve a purposed and detailed accountability for money. You may decide he doesn't get an ATM card or card he can take cash out with. Run a credit check to ensure that he doesn't have other credit cards you don't know about he might be using for cash. These _whores_ aren't going to turn tricks for free. Discuss computer usage and monitoring. There are software packages that will help block access to websites. While he might work around them, it would be an intentional violation of your agreement and not an "accident".

You are on a good track. He is remorseful and wants to make the marriage work. You both have to strap in and do the hard work now.

Blessings.

This certainly good news but earning back that trust will take time. Make sure you both give it enough time. I recommend you both work with Steve (via phone counseling) or a good local MC familar with MB principals.

While his words sound good now, you s/b cautious. Pray for a clear mind calm heart and lots of patience while he learns to dig himself out of the mess he has created. Remember you can't do it all for him so realize where you can help and when you can't.

ID your bondaries and work on enforcing them. Learn to recognize babble vs truth.

L.