UPDATE AT END OF THREAD: PLEASE HELP...

My WH left Sept 11th. I gave him the legal separation papers yesterday, and he should be signing this week. He has moved in with the OW, and I have recently found out who she is, etc.
Should I expose? Should I try to talk to her? Her parents? Any MB'ers ever get sued for defamation over exposure? (Lawyer suggested that it might not be such a smart idea)
If you read my previous posts, you will get a better idea of what I'm up against:

Here
and
Here

I have been Plan B-ing as much as is possible with kids and financial considerations. I have not written a Plan B letter, though I'm considering it. I want to wait until he signs to expose, butI need some guidance here. I'm scared, confused, and worried that it might just be a pointless exercise. I think he's too far gone (fog/alcohol).
Any advice?

Expose to everyone at once, do not pull any punches, do not talk to OW, Do expose to their work, family, friends everyone. Defamation must be proved, you are telling the truth so what's to worry? Expect them to be very angry, they'll get over it. Do not worry about careers etc...Just expose and do not look back. Good Luck!

Do you have anything to lose? Are you wanting to reconcile/save your marriage? Do you want your kids to be exposed to his A?

Of course he is in a fog, all WS's are. My WW moved out 3 weeks ago, and I sense has been miserable ever since. I can't control her actions, but can control my own and protect our children.

I believe that you should expose. How are you defaming their character? Don't let fear guide your decisions. He will make lots of threats. Remember, you are not the one having an A. He needs to face the consequences of what he is doing.

Nope, at this point, nothing to lose. I am crazy, I know, but I do want my H back. There will be a lot of work involved, on both sides. I guess I just want to be able to say I did everything I could to save my marriage. My kids already know about the affair.
My concern over the defamation stems from the fact that the lawyer said that there is no 'proof'. They can just say that they're friends, and that I'm crazy. He's living with her.
I can't expose to his work...I suspect that his boss knows and doesn't care.

A couple of things. First off, part of exposure is the mental aspect of them having to face people. Whether his work does anything or not, it is the fact that he has to face the people (and the shame involved) when they know what he is doing. I contacted my WW's work. They totally swept it under the rug. However, she still has/had to deal with the shame of her boss knowing. She really respects and looks up to him. Don't know if it still affects her, but the seed is there nonetheless.

Also, how many married men move in with other women? Of course he is having an affair. You need to do some snooping to try to prove it. Check e-mails, cell phone records, phone bills, etc. Gather as much as you can to be able to prove your suspicions.

You are right, you need to be able to say that you did everything you could to save your marriage. You are not crazy! I am still fighting for my marriage, and my WW is actively involved in her A. Like I said, I can't control her. All I can do is try to make myself as appealing as possible, be strong for the kids, and work on me. These are all things that you need to do to.

Okay?

I'm doing those things, bgtg1. I am keeping it together for the kids, and with the help of the I-diet, I'm looking better and better each week! As far as working on myself, I'm going to Al-Anon, and seeing a counsellor. You guys are the only ones who understand why I want him back. Everyone else is telling me to move on.
I have proof. No email, cell or phone records (he got smart after the last A). I *know* he's having an affair...I guess I just meant that she can tell her parents that they're just friends (roommates?).
I'm considering exposing to the higher-up boss, but I *am* concerned about him losing his job- if he does, there goes any possibilty of financial support etc.

Thanks for your support. It means a lot.

Any good reason I shouldn't talk to OW?
I doubt she knows the truth of the situation- but will she care? Is it worth taking the chance?

You should talk to OW'sH!!! And EXPOSE to anyone who can influence his actions. Ignore your lawyer. You wouldn't get legal advice from a MC, don't take marriage advice from a lawyer - he just wants a nice easy quick uncomplicated divorce. Expose. No one's been sued yet for exposing.

Thanks bigk.
The OW is single, no OWH. I am gathering my strength to expose. Can anyone help with a 'script'- I'm sure if I go it on my own, I will forget what I need to say...links?
If I do call/see the OW, I want her to know that we weren't separated when he met her, that I want my marriage (ie. I wasn't the one that threw him out, he left), and also his history re. drinking/affairs etc. He wants a 'clean slate', so I'm sure he's told her all kinds of bullsh!t to make himself look good. Bad idea?
How do I explain when asked 'why are you telling me this?' by his boss, her parents, etc? I guess I just think I'm going to end up seeming bitter and vindictive.

I sent him an email earlier re. some of his questions re. the sep. agreement, here's his response:


translation please? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

You tell them that your husband is having a sleazy adulterous affair with OW. You want to save your marriage and that you need their help to convince your husband to return to his home wife and children.

OK Translation?

I'm having lots of fun screwing OW and my kids and you will have to live with it and accept it so I can continue to do this and can destroy my family without remorse or regret

The translation is that he is displacing his guilt onto you. I am not very experienced at this, but it sounds a lot like what my WW has said to me. Don't listen to his words. He is being extremely selfish and really doesn't care right now about the kids or you.

I don't think that speaking with the OW will accomplish anything. I don't think that she will listen to you because she is selfish as well. Think about it. Any decent woman would not get involved with a married man, let alone move in with them. Even if he is separated. A decent woman would have told him that she would not date a married man, and would have told him to take a hike a long time ago.

Expose to everybody who will have an impact. Her family should know. Hopefully they are not like my in-laws and condone the A. Remember, a major portion of exposure is psychological warfare. It is having to deal with the embarassment and guilt. Just the fact that her family knows may be enough to get her to think about what she is doing. Don't worry about what the family's response may be. That is letting fear dictate what you do.

Remember the marriage is over if you do nothing. At least doing this gives you a fighting chance.

Don't allow him to place the blame on you. He is trying to justify this in his mind, and the only way he can do that is to try to place the blame on you.

Thanks you guys, I feel calmer about going ahead with it now. You're right about OW bigK, I just thought that maybe if he no longer had his fantasy 'clean slate', it might fall apart.

b3d,
I'm sorry that your situation finds you in these circumstances! So far the advice you have been given is right on target. You need to do a swift and complete exposure. Don't tell you WH that you are doing so or planning to do so... just do it. I did a lot of my exposing via email so feel free to check out my thread (a little long, but some say a good read) because I posted the exact email I used... if you have some "joke emails" from Husband and friends, you will probably have a nice collection of addresses of those close to him that you can send communication about the affair to....

The main points of your message needs to be that you "Still love your husband and will do anything you can to keep your family together and have a great marriage"

AFTER YOU DO THIS WITH EVERYONE THAT MAY HAVE INFLUENCE on your wayward husband.... expect to hear some of the following:

"I will never trust you again"
"Any chance that we had of getting back together has been destroyed by what you have done"
"How could you do this to me"
"You have gone way overboard. You've crossed the line!"

JOB ONE IS TO "bust up the affair"

Good luck...
You aren't alone.
Heartsore

Well, a strange thing just happened. I was talking to WS re the separation agreement, (I know, I know- nice plan B...) and he asked why I hadn't replied to his email (above). I said that it seemed that he was pretty clear on what he wants, that he knows what I want, and there isn't much more to be said.
He brought up the 'I feel like now you are trying to change everything and all I can think is that it will just go straight back to the way that things were.' again, and I asked him why he felt this way. He said he just 'knows it will...' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I asked him what he was afraid of, and he didn't reply...

I mentioned counselling, and the fact that as far as I'm concerned, we haven't 'tried' anything prior to this A to 'fix' what was wrong with our relationship. He says he doesn't want to go to counselling. That he doesn't want to be with me. Then why does he bring it up? Should I try to explain how things could change for the better? (I'm not sure I know how) I guess I feel like he's fishing for some hope, or maybe he's just trying again to justify his WS behaviour. We are major conflict avoiders, so I find it really hard to communicate with him without him getting defensive and upset. I just want him to see that there are so many avenues for help in this situation (AA, IC, MC, Church, POJA, meeting EN's, etc) and to really see that while he thinks we're at the end of the road, we're only really stuck in the middle.

Also, I'll be finalizing the details of my new job tomorrow, and he's dying to know where it is, what I'll be doing, etc etc. I'm wondering if he thinks I might run into OW, or that they might inadvertantly run into me (it's possible). I asked him if this was the case, and he said 'Why do you think everything is about her?' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> I was planning to tell him after tomorrow, but I don't feel like he has a right to know. Does he? Am I being petty? He won't give me details of his life, so why should I? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
Thoughts?

b3d,

Screw with his head, go completely dark in a large plan B way. Make him wonder, make him eat his words. Nope he has no rights, he gave them up when he moved in with OW. Send a Plan B letter today and go very very dark as soon as you put it in the mailbox.

You can't reason with a WS.

Amen on that one Eagle. Do as suggested, it will send him reeling.

My WH was exposed when he and OW were asked to resign from their jobs. WH is also a minister, and he talked w/ the church last week, and they basically said "He who is without sin cast the first stone." So, it's almost as if WH doesn't care about the exposure--he's even getting pats on the back for "coming forward!" It drives me CRAZY!!!

I'm a WW. The exposure was the hardest thing after telling the truth. I didn't want people to see me the way I saw myself. I felt like a dirty w***e. I still feel that way. It was the best thing for me. I can't go anywhere where they don't know what I did. It makes you think about what you did. If I am so embarrassed why on earth would I do it in the first place.

So I would go ahead and expose your WH. You have nothing to be embarrasses about. Stand tall and shout what a crappy thing he did to you.

Just a few more days and I will be dark, dark, dark. I already changed my numbers, and am communicating mostly via email. He calls the kids to 'say goodnight', and I guess we will be 'seeing' each other when he visits the kids, though probably only when I get home from work. He will take over from the babysitter when he arrives.
wasvashesgirl2, I'm happy to hear that the exposure had a big impact on you. I doubt very much that it will affect him very much- I truly believe he is entirely without a conscience. However, I am hoping that the OW will reconsider her position once her parents find out, and she knows what she's dealing with...
Thanks for all your support. It really means a lot.

b3d, why are you going dark and changing your numbers and cutting back on communication?