I have been married for 12 years and my husband is having an affair. I confronted him about the affair as soon as I suspected, and he admitted but would provide no information. The confrontation occurred 7-9-06, and he immediately left the house. We have 4 children together and since he has been gone, he has spent very little time with them...hours. I just found out that he is not just having one night stands as I had suspected, but there is OW. She is my same age with 1 daughter. Last night, I asked my husband to give us a 90 day trial to see if we can make things work. This is the 2nd time I have asked. He said no the first time but this time said he would think about it. That he had something to lose on the 'other side' by trying. I told him he had more to lose on this side. His kids. I don't know what his decision would be. I have exposed the affair to as many people as I know, but he just doesn't care who knows. He is definitely in the fog!!!! Alien abduction and all. He won't even really talk to me about what went wrong or how he is feeling or anything. The most I ever got out of him was that "all I ever wanted to do was make you happy, but I never could" and that it is all my fault of course! I have done as much of plan a as I think I can. I am pretty sure I need to go to plan B but it seems so scary. But, I guess I have nothing to lose. I am starting to lose hope...he has been gone 3 months and does not seem in the least interested in trying to restore our marriage. What is a normal amount of time to be in this spot? I just am so confused as to what to do.

Vallejo7,

I feel for you like no one but another BS could. I am relatively new to all this too so I may not be too much help but I will say read all you can here. And if you haven’t already, read Surviving an Affair.

Please stay strong and keep your children out of this as much as possible. I am not an advocate of telling any and all. I think a more strategic approach may be better. It was for me anyway, I just failed to tell the one person who should have known, the OMs W.

I never told our children because I didn’t want to make matters worse for them or my W if she stayed in the M. Your situation is a little different though since he moved out. That’s a tough one.

Are you familiar with the Love Bank? Do all you can to make deposits, even right now while he is moved out. Show him you love him. Try to avoid anger and revenge at all cost. That will never get him to come back, it will only drive him further away.

I know your pain. Try to stay strong but also cry when you need to. This is such a sad, long, hard road to go down. But you are not alone, we are here going down that same road. I only wish we could do so much more for you.

God Bless and keep us posted.

2LLP

Then it would seem, that plan B is appropriate. Make sure you protect yourself and your children financially, get a lawyer and communicate with your H only through the lawyer.

Avoiding anger and revenge is good advice.... do plan B and get a lawyer for the purpose of protecting yourself and your children, and with a view to restore your marriage
should that become possible.

Elsewhere on this site I read that there is data to support a preponderance of affairs ending within 6 months. That is consistent with my own experience - it was 20 years ago.... there was no websites or availability of people like this for me, I did plan B almost immediately within 3 weeks of her affairs being discovered. It was 4 months before we got back together. I didn't eliminate all contact, but I cut her off from any of my income and made sure she wasn't going to ruin me financially while she had her "fling".

As far as LB's I have really been trying to hold my tongue...that has always been a problem for me, so it has been my highest priority. I think I have been doing ok for as much time as I see him. I usually don't press about our relationship, I have been very good about being happy and outgoing when he is around. I have not kept his children from seeing him. I have worked on myself and really am overall content and happy, except for him not being home.

The thing that scares me about going to plan B is the reaction...for some reason it seems like that would push him closer to this woman. Who, by the way I met this morning. I had read on this site somewhere that men typically will down grade for their affair...he definitely did, which somehow makes me feel a little better. I spoke with her today, very calmly and said that I just wanted to put a face to the name and let her know that I was praying for her. I told her that I had read a lot of statistics on affairs and that the majority of them don't last, so that I would be praying for her that when this ended that her heart would not be broken. I was overly calm and smiled at her alot. I did not threaten or push anything, in fact I was very kind to her. I don't know why it was so reassuring to see that she was not better looking than me, but it was.

Thank you for the 6 month figure...I feel like I am dying inside sometimes with the waiting. If I can just hold on for a little while longer, I know that the fantasy will start having some reality.

This site has been so helpful in trying to understand the mystery of the WS. There is no rhyme or reason and I am glad to have info that helps me see the commonality of WS's actions and words. Before this site, I thought I was nuts and that it was all my fault.

My situation is also hard for me because my husband and I are Christians (not just marginal, but fully in relationship with God). It is so hard for me to reconcile walking away from an intimate relationship with God for an affair. If there are any Christians out there, please pray for my husband to humble himself before God and come home. I know that God can do that heart transplant in an instant, but I am so tired of waiting.

In order for a christian to have an affair, his relationship with God is most likely already broken before he does it. He is not "walking away". Having the right words to say and the right habits (church attendance, prayer, even ministry) is no real indicator of the inner life of God's fellowship and presence.

A believer who is in fellowship with the indwelling Holy Spirit will get his head torn off at the mere thought of an affair. It takes a long period of having one's "conscience seared by a hot iron" in which the believer has entertained these thoughts over, over, and over again until he finally feels little conviction about them.

cboy52,
This is true and I can see in retrospect that he had not been the priest of our home for about a year. This also confirms what I believe to have helped this situation along...pornography. My husband is truly believing every lie of the enemy. Thank you for the perspective, it helps keep me focused on the real heart of the problem.

Does this fact make it harder or easier or does it have no effect on restoration?

As you know, the "facts" of our pasts are not an obstacle to our Saviour and our God. If we are repentant, His mercy can totally and completely place our sin "under the blood" in an instant of time.

We, as humans, however, typically try to "reserve" areas of our lives, and do not seek the forgiveness of God as we should. We don't always recognize the extent - just how deep our sin goes, either.... what are it's "triggers" - what attitudes tend to support us in continuing it.

Restoration of your marriage is, of course, no less possible because of these "facts" - it is at the complete discretion of your husband, how fast does he want it to reconcile, and how willing he is to do what is required.

That is the part of this that is so hard, it is all in my WH hands to decide. I just want so desperately for him to repent and walk with God...and for God to do whatever it takes to make that happen. Knowing that repentance just takes a second, makes the waiting so much harder.