My DH and I have been married for 11 months and 3 weeks. I'm having a very hard time looking forward to our first anniversary. I knew my husband had selfish tendencies when we married. I knew his mother had done way to much for him as a 30 year old and that he needed to learn to be an adult that handled his own bills and how to work on keeping a home running. I've done most of that knowing he needed time. A year ago April he was injured in a work accident and did not go back for 10 months. For the last 3 months he was in pity party and grew content living off his workers compensation while I worked 2 jobs. Granted one job is only 1 day per week, but that still only gives me 1 day per week to rest and relax. He did little to nothing around the house while he was out. He went back to work after I gave him an ultimatum and told him he wants a parent, not a partner. In February and again about a month ago we have had two very damaging fights that left me raw. Me specicifically because he took other aggravations and ended up being nasty and extrmemly personal with me with his attacks. I still don't get where he came from with most of the stuff he said. The fight in February ended with him saying 2 things to me that he knew in an instant went way beyond too far. I've told him to move out twice until he decides whats more important to him, his needs/his way or working to build a strong marriage. He refuses to move out. After the fight a month or so ago we talked about it and he was told one thing - that if a fight like that ever happened again he would come home to his items on the patio in a box and the locks changed. His verbal attacks on me were that bad, and he agreed with me that he was out of line. I can go into more detail, but it will make this post even longer. If it helps to understand the situation, please let me know and I will elaborate. Another issue has developed after that last fight that is upsetting to me. I'm noticing more and more that he will tell me what he thinks I want to hear and not tell me what he really means/wants. Every time this comes out in the open it is with results that are more hurtful to me than if he had just been honest in the beginning. One instance of this started the last fight which was 2 nights of attacks on me. Best part was I was being monitored for high blood pressure at the time and he didn't remember till I was crying, shaking, and breathing hard. Then he wouldn't leave me alone when I told him to stop speaking to me. In his eyes it was better to try and talk it out, not from my side. I needed to calm down. I am currently 5 months pregnant and I will admit that I am having a dream pregnancy - physically. Emotionally it is beyond a dream, more like a nightmare. I have big issues with depression and am being monitored for that. Oh and the high blood pressure (pregnancy related, I never have blood pressure issues) has resolved and gone to normal levels. After or during the last fight I told Dh that our marriage was a joke and that it doesn't work when only one of us tries. When he went back to work in february he went into a new industry and had some bizarre luck with staying at dealerships ( he went into car sales). He started working at this last dealership 2 months ago I think, I'd need to check that. Due to the reasons he was dismissed for before I do not trust this dealership and DH is aware of that. I understand it's a hard industry, I understand the hours aren't conventional. However I feel more and more that our marriage and soon to be family takes second place to his job. He grew up with a father that always worked, he feels that since he is working hard to make money then it's ok. I disagree. He frequently works late and for a dealership that closes at 8 pm he will get home after 9:30, 10 at night or at least he has for the last 2 or 3 weeks. He tends to call me when he's on his way home. Woooo hoooo - thats a help a 9pm when his day ends at 6 or 7. (yes i tend to be highly sarcarstic when annoyed) Last night I made a post here about possible signs of his having an affair and when he came home we had a conversation about it. I do not belive he is doing this and the conversation was lighthearted. There is more that goes into all of that, but I'm really upset right now and not thinking clearly as well as its about 1am. Tonight my DH pushed me over the edge of what I can tolerate. DH had called me earlier today and made mention about something interesting going on at work, but he couldn't go into detail as "the walls have ears". Ok no biggie, I figured I'd hear all about it this evening. then he called back and started to tell me more and it's fascinating. Unbelievable as well. DH is a car salesman. Apparently one of the demo cars was stolen last night. DH's boss (now ex boss) had DH have the car detailed last night. I thought that was weird as his boss just drives it as a demo car, why does it need to be detailed. I found about this in tonights phone call. Because DH was dealing with the detailing, his prints are all over this car. DH does not have keys to the dealership and it's locked up at night anyway. Plus he is too new for a demo car even though his sales are high. There was no way for DH to take this car. Regardless of the fact that he wouldn't do anything that foolish. All I know now is that DH's boss was fired about a half hour before DH called me, DH is not suspected of involvement and he was concerned that his boss may come here, so I had to keep my eyes open this evening for the stolen car showing up in the driveway.Ok fine, Dh is due home generally about 8:30. He called me again about 7:45 and said he'd be leaving work around 8/8:15. I laid down around 8:30 thinking he'd be home soon and would wake me and tell me the full story. We have caller ID on our TV and I saw that DH called again at 8:30, I was too tired to get the phone in the other room and figured he'd left late and would be home about 9pm. I fell asleep ( my biggest physical pregnancy issue is fatigue) and woke up about 10:20. I noticed he wasnt' home yet and called his cell phone. No answer so I got up and went to the living room to check messages. He left a message at 8:30 that he was on his way home, he left another message at 9:20 that he was out with his coworkers talking about today and would be home soon. I called his cell phone again and he answered and said he was on his way home. I lied back down and watched TV. At about 11pm I was angry because he was not home yet. I fell asleep and woke up again about 12:30. Still not home. Now I am furious. I call him again (nothing like being the nagging wife) and he says he is on his way home. I told him at that point to stay out as long as he liked. He finally got home about 1am. He actually came into the bedroom and asked what was wrong and asked me not to be angry. I told him to give me one good reason that I should not be angry and that it would be in his best interest to not even try to justify his actions. Then he asks me to leave him some money in the morning. He doesn't realize how much he spends and I have taken back his ATM card. I gave him over a year to work on his spending habits and I've asked him many times to tell me what he feels he needs each week and we'll set up a budget. He now wants $20 until friday. I just did the math in my head and that makes $195.00 since last Thursday. Looks like he'll be scrouging for change like I do. Frankly he is off tomorrow what does he need more money for.Bear in mind while reading this that I am very anrgy, tired and I am not a happy pg woman to begin with. If something needs clarification please let me know. Also know that I am not a witch in general. I have had more talks with him that are phrased properly, in a good tone, in a good time, blah, blah, blah. However nothing ever changes. he thinks saying I'm sorry and I love you are enough. Well he's also been told his actions speak louder than words and his actions say that I will always come second to everything and everyone and that he gets to act however he wants and there is nothing wrong with that. I also am not saying I don't make mistakes. However when i do I acknowledge that he has a right to be angry and I work to not repeat whatever I did that was wrong/upsetting. I've told him that I had ways to work on things and have all the forms printed from here. They sit by him. He doesn't even look at them. Should I have to ask and ask? Am I really out of line for thinking if he truly means what he says, and wants to work on our marriage that he should make an attempt? Or do I chalk that up to another instance of him saying what he thinks I want to hear? This ended up more scattered than I planned. My main question was related to the issues that happened today and with DH getting home at 1am.
