If you work with the OM you need to quit your job immediately and find other employment.

If there is any chance he will show up at your work, I would take steps to ensure that you do not cross paths. EVER. Why would he ever be at your workplace? It won't be good enough to just tell your H about contact, it is important to take every step to ensure it NEVER happens in the first place.

I don't work with OM. Thank you for your advise. I would quit if he worked with me. I am a bartender so there is a slight chance that he could come in. I am 99% he will not.

Have you considered finding a new line of work given your problems with alcohol?

Okay I don't have a problem with alcohol. I do not drink at work. I know that having an affair while drunk seems like a problem with alcohol to some.

So in short I maybe a lot of things a liar a cheater but not an alcohlic.

Thank you for your advise. I may sound a little ****** about this but I grew up in a alcoholic home and will not let my kids do the same.

wasvash, I am an alcoholic and I can tell you that acting in ways under the influence that you would never do while sober is a sign of SERIOUS trouble. If alcohol causes you so much trouble that you have to "swear it off" then oyu have a PROBLEM. Normal drinkers do not have to "swear it off." Even you have admitted that you can't handle your liquor and are staying away from it.


You can't very well "swear off alcohol" if you spend your evenings in a bar, serving it. That is just ASKING for trouble.

This is true. Most people would have a hard time working around alcohol. It is not a social bar it is a resturant with a bar in it. I am a bartender 2 nights a week and a food server 3 nights.

I am swearing off alcohol for now not for life. My H isn't a big drinker either. It just seems like the right thing to do. I haven't gotten into trouble because of drinking before. I don't know why I did what I did. I am not using alcohol as an excuss. There isn't one for what I did. I am deeply sorry for the choise I made that night.

Thanks again.

Well, I see that you did use alcohol as an excuse. "But god help me I was drunk and don't know why I DID IT."

You claimed to be drunk and not in your right mind. That is a HUGE PROBLEM. It matters not how often or how much but WHAT HAPPENS while drinking that determines whether a person has a problem or not. And if you are fooling around with men when you drink, you have a serious problem. Like I said before, NORMAL drinkers do not have to "swear off" booze. And if you have a problem today, it will not magically be cured sometime in the future. Working in a BAR will not help this problem but will leave you vulnerable to it. That is not taking steps to protect your marriage, wv, that is just ASKING FOR IT.

I disagree with you. I did not use alcohol as an excuss. My H was asking questions I didn't remember the answers to because I was drunk. I have admitted to an attraction to the OM and he was a friend who I had a very flirtaous relationship with. We ALL thought we where safe. It was a mistake. I made a bad chose that night.

The word normal is bugging me a little. Who had the right to say who is a nornmal drinker and who isn't. People act all kinds of ways while drunk and use it as an excuss. I AM NOT ONE OF THEM. I am taking responceability for my actions that night in every way.

So, you are admitting that you would have done this if you were STONE SOBER?

No. I would never have done it while sober. I would never have done it if I had only 2 drinks. I said I was not using it as an excuss. I take full responsiblity for what I did.

Did the fact that I was drunk make it easier for me. Yes. I did it while I was drunk not because I was drunk. I wouldn't do it again and I will not do it sober. I could go into all kinds of reasons why the alcohol affected me this night and not others but then I think it would be an excuss.

I have great respect for those of you who are willing to help in giving advise. It has helped me to feel a little better. For those of you who have gone threw this and come out the other side stronger and better. Wheather it is in or out of the marriage.

I don't have a problem with drinking I had a problem while I drank two seperate issues. I think that I've definded myself enough for one day. Ididn't come here for that. I came for help eith my marriage. So thank you for your concerns.

ok, wv, you want us to believe that you would never do this sober, but on the other hand you want us to believe you are not using the alcohol as an excuse. You can't have it both ways. That is not convincing or rational.

Only you can decide if you have a problem or not, though. But take it from someone who has been there, done that. People who do not have problems with their drinking DO NOT need to "swear it off," nor do they do things under the influence that are morally repugnant to them. That is a serious sign of trouble.

Even if you won't take it seriously, I would just suggest to your H that he is probably not safe if you continue to tend bar. Since drinking, admittedly, caused this affair, then it might be wise to remove yourself from an environment that promotes drinking.

Okay so I am sitting here getting very angry with you. Is it because you are saying things I don't want to hear. Ofcourse.

I'll say it again I had the affair while drunk. I would never do something like this sober. You don't have to beleive me. I don't have a drinking problem. I came to this website for help with my marriage not help with my drinking. I have worked at this job for 6 years and have never been drunk or drank at work. I was at the job before this one same situation for 13 years and again never drank at work. I'm sure it is hard for someone with a "drinking problem" to understand.

When I say I'm not using being drunk as an excuss I mean I am not asking for forgiveness based on the fact that I was drunk. I am not saying that what I did was the fault of drinking. I did it not Captin Morgan......

If i where to misplace something because I was drinking Iwould have NO problem saying "Gosh honey I would never leave my jacket some where sober, must have been the last 3 drinks". That is what I mean by not using acohol as an excuss. If you think I am that is your right. Maybe I have the wrong meaning for excuss.

So reading all of this I have to refer back to my first post...

MelodyLane, I understand your position. I have been around recovering alcoholics my whole life. I know that if I told you about my drinking habbits, you would consider me an alcoholic. I like to stick wit hthe old adage of "I am not an alcoholic, I am a drunk, Alcoholics go to meeting..." j/k.

Anyway, this is my main problem with "help" forums. There is 2 pages now about an argument that does not exisit. Though I didn't think to defend my wife, she does NOT have a problem with alcohol. She does not have problems at work...

You see, this is part of the problem. She is one of the most moralistic people I have ever met. As I said in my OP, that was part of my attraction. She drinks herself silly maybe 3 times a year, and 2 of them are in the privacy of our home. I would never allow something this epic to be trivialized by a few drinks...

Again, you don't really know me, or her. All you know is a situation that we have tried to lay out here. This situation does not define either of us. Alcoholism does not define you. If you think it does then there are other problems that you have and should not be giving the kind of advise I appreciated from you before the Alcoholic break out. This is not to say that I don't appreciate or respect your words, I do. I just don't believe in a human definition based off of words typed on a forum.

@ others here, thank you for your kind words. Let me clear up a couple things here...

I still believe she is being dishonest about 2 things.
1. About what happened in general, I think she is leaving things out.. ommition as a lie
2. There was a phone call from her to him that lasted 14 minutes the day after(I checked her bill) that she claims was a Voice Mail.

Him, I talked to him the day after and he claimed to want to be friends still and that he blacked out blah blah blah, if ANYONE in this situation has problems with drinking, its him. I very politley, but very pointedly explained to him what he did to my family, and that he and I were not going to be friends any more. I also called all of our other friends and told them that I was not going to be hanging around them much anymore as I would never force them to choose between he and I.

1 week to the very minute that I actually walked in (230am) I sent him a page that read "Happy 1 week anniversary, I hope your sleeping better than me." Thats about the meanest thing I have done or said to either one of them.

I am not sure I will ever move on from this. Time will tell. I know that I love her, and that she loves me. I also know that our childeren need both of us... I just don't want to look at her 5 years from now and hate her guts, or regret my choice to stay... for now, I am taking all the time I want and need to make a better choice for the future.

Again thank you all.

Vash, whatever you may think of these forums many of us are here offering a hand because of the help we got when we hurting. This forum saved my life and my marriage. Maybe many would not have stayed through what I did but never in real life have I found the type of support, guidance and help growing and changing myself than here at MB. People here spend their own time and give of their own hearts to help both BS's and WS's recover their marriages. Your WW is rare in that she came here on her own and wants to recover your marriage. While she still may be foggy and not 100 percent open with you yet, the tools for recovering your marriage are right here at your finger tips. Whatever you decide, stay or D, the fact is you both need to do some growing up and changing. Flirting and drinking are not good characteristics of a marriage nor what I would want to teach my children. You both have a great opportunity. I do hope you take advantage of it.

vash, Your hurt is totally understandable. The only thing I wonder about it your need to question Jess about the sex. How much of it do your think she really remembers? You heard it all anyway? Why didn't you go in as soon as you suspected your friend was kissing your wife? Why did you wait until it was all over and there was so much more damage to deal with? Aren't you just a little accountable for allowing your wife to proceed when you could have stopped her before you had so much more misery to deal with? I just don't get how you could stand outside the room and let your best friend have sex with your wife? Can you remember why you didn't react more assertively?

Try to remember that Jess won't recall everything she did and thought. She will be totally panicked and that kind of panic tends to block out bad memories. If it was good at the time, it won't be good in her mind now. She will now feel self disgust and horror at the memory of it. Of course she lied to you. She was trying to save her bacon. It seems to me that you have a lot of practise with forgiving. Seven times from your first wife? Hopefully Jess is different. I would suggest that you forgive her once and once only. Then leave if it happens again.

So sorry for you hurt!

AN

Again, as with all forums, people read what they want and forget or discard the best. In my only 2 posts I have thanked everyone for thier kindness and advice. I have not and will not attack anyone here for your support of my wife. I will however defend what I feel needs defending when I feel defense is appropriate.

I take exception to the above statement made by you faithful. For many reasons that I will not go into and a couple that I will. Again, Do you really believe that you know me? or her? I am here to tell you that you do not even have a idea of me. You think that I am a bad parent becasue I flirt? How dare you... You sit upon your "I have been through it and survived" horse and judge me as a person, as a parent? This is not cancer, your life was not over becasue you or your mate cheated on you... It was just another life situation. Its a car wreck nothing more... You get in them, sometimes your hurt much worse than the last time, but you make choices on how to proceede and you move on. Life moves on.

That woman was everything in this world to me. If I do leave, it will cost me a fourtune in counceling and the next few women I date will not come out of the expierence very well... I do not have some termanily ill disease. Again, do not judge me, judge the expierence I wrote for you.

Flirting is a communication tecnique. It does not mean you are a horrible person. If you have any interaction at all with the opposite sex, and you and that person get along on a better than average scale, chances are, one or both of you is flirting... You can not fight human nature/genetics, its how we are all built. Sorry, but its true.

AGAIN so that I am not misconstrued, I appreciate your words of encouragement and of emapthy, but please do not judge me on a situation that I have taken all of 10 minutes to write... I. like each of you, am a complex, grafic, complete individual... and I can not possibly be summed up by anything that you have read on me here.

I came to this web site to try to understand what I did. I hurt the one person in my life who even though I did this god awfull thing is still trying to protect me.

I don't like the picture that is being painted in everyones eyes. We had fun with flirting. I knew he loved me and he knew the same. The people that new us best like the dynamics we shared together. As we did. I think that you are right when you say drinking and flirting do not mix for me. It was a bad thing. I will not drink in a situation like that again or maybe ever. It is something that I will have to think about.

As for being honest wit hmy husband I am. I have iven him the details and I have answered all his questions. The fact is that the only two people that know the truth are the two people he trusts the least.

thank you for your replys. I do get help and hope from all of you.

Thank you AN. I guess I didn't explain this part well enough, though I hesitate to do so now as I have again run into the typical forum people.

I did not stand out there and listen to them have sex. It was over way before I started listening... In fact I only started listening becasue I heard her voice... They kissed one time that I heard and thats when I decided to walk in. As for the sex, I do not want to know every detail... but I will tell you this, There are things that her and I do with each other in bed. For example, during sex, she reaches up and puts her hand up against the wall above her head... It is a sensual move and something that I feel reserved for me. I know, that she did this with this guy... not becasue she told me or I saw, its just something I know she did.

See sex is just sex in this world today.... wheather you do it wit hsomeone you care about, or someone you don't. Its just nature..! What makes the act of sex into the art of lovemaking, is the connection and familiarity of the 2 people. Things like putting her hand above her head is what makes it familure to me and it is what the bond of a couple during sex is all about.

So why do I need to know about the sex, because I want to know just what it was for her. Was it a casual sexual expierence, or was it a true indepth betrayel of even our most intimate shared connections....

In the end you may be right. It may all be very masicistic, but I can not help it. I have to heal one way or another, and to do so, I have to know what it is that made her do this.

Thanks for you words AN....

Typical forum people!!!!!

This is the most untypical forum I've ever been involved with.

You say we don't know you. Oh yes we do.

I'm rushing to the defence of my friend Faithful here but you don't know her either. She's been a WS she's been a BS at least three times. Her husband has a child with the last woman.

Sex is just sex?? Not in my world.