I deceided today while I was at work that I needed to write my mom and tell her everything that I was feeling. Tell her that I felt like she was controling my life and the lives of my sisters even though she won't see it that way. I am also going to tell her how I felt when I left my H and when I filed the restraining order against him because she thought it would be a good idea. I'm going to tell her about the affair I had and that I think I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't wanted to please her and leave my H. I'm also going to tell her about being raped while I was in college which she still doesn't know about and only proves that I have a hard time opening up to people. I'm going to ask her that she needs to let me know why she doesn't like my H. I need to what she has against him. She has never sit down long enough to really talk to him or even get to know him as a person. She just dislikes him because of the age difference between my H and I and the fact that he married me and I wasn't at arms length to her. I wasn't around to let her control my life the way she thought fit. I guess what I did and am still doing with this letter (no it's still not done and it's eight pages long hand written) is spilling my guts and then telling her that she needs to tell me and my H what she sees is wrong with him. I don't see any problems with my H. He loves me (I love you a lot Empty Shell), he takes care of me and our daughter. <P>What I guess what I'm trying to get at is this: Should my H write my mom his own letter telling her how he feels and send it to her as well as me sending her one or shall I be the only one to send her a letter? I would really like advice on this.<P>Please help

My thought is that you should be the first to contact her about this. If she doesn't like him to begin with, she'll be less receptive. She should know all those things, but be prepared to follow that letter up with a real talk. She'll want to talk I'm sure. I'm glad you're hanging in there.<P>I was curious, I read a posting from the OM in your case ( I think) and wondered if you had decided to stay in your marriage? I wasn't sure by his postings. I support your decision, and pray for your strength.<P>Tracy<BR>

Hi, hopeful!<P>I've done what you're talking about doing, so for once I feel I can offer some educated advice. <P>I agree that it can be very helpful to spill your guts, but I'd change the tone a bit. You are not ASKING her for anything in this letter, what you are doing is SETTING THE RULES for your relationship.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I'm going to ask her that she needs to let me know why she doesn't like my H. I need to what she has against him. She has never sit down long enough to really talk to him or<BR> even get to know him as a person.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Bad idea. Instead. you TELL her that you don't CARE whether she likes your H or not; he is your H and you love him, and he is not going away. YOU know that she's never taken the time to get to know him, and you know what? She never will. Your mother is getting something out of her little tunnel reality, and you can't make her change. But you can change yourself, and how you interact with her.<P>Let me tell you something...she has more to lose by losing you than you have by losing her. Believe me, she will NOT write you off.<P>I think this is a battle you have to fight yourself, because this is not about your H or what kind of man he is. This is about your mother's need to control you. This is your golden opportunity to break out of that prison your mother has put you in. <P>I wish I still had the letter I wrote my mom 15 years ago (she still has it, I know ); I'd show it to you. <P>I'd be happy to check out the letter before you send it, if you'd like. Good luck; I know how hard this is. Please feel free to E-mail me if you need moral support.<P>You know, my H is very likely about to get fired AGAIN. I'm frightened, angry, and worried that he's going to empty his love bank with me and I'm going to have to decide what to do. But you know what? Whatever happens, I'm glad I chose him instead of my mother.

sad4now --- I haven't spoken to OM since April. That was through e-mail. I haven't talked to him since last August when I left the company I was working for. I had another email account and the OM found out the address and starting emailing me. My H started responding to him. The OM finally said something that upset my H and I ended up sending an e-mail and told him that I never wanted to talk to him and that what we had before wasn't special at all, like he thought it was. As far as I know he isn't posting here. My H (empty shell) is posting here. If OM is hee I'd like to know what his screen name is... that way I can read his posts just to see what he says about what happened between us.<P>Dazed --- I think I will take you up on the offer to read that letter. Once I get it typed I'll send it to you. Thanks for all the input on the letter. My H said, while we were camping, that he wanted to send my mom a letter letting her know about all the problems caused when I left. That is why I posted this. I'll send that letter to you when I get it done.<P>Thanks for all the advice

Sad4Now and hopefull... just a little note of clarification. The OM that is posting to this forum is not the one involved in EMPTY SHELL's situation but rather another member here who's simply called EMPTY. Two different guys, but similar screen names, hence the confusion. The OM's screen name, by the way, is Other Man... sorry to interrupt... carry on with your regularly scheduled discussion... <P>--airheart

Airheart --- I know about most of the people associated with Empty Shell because He is my H. I used to log in as deceiver just to clarify even more.

hopeful1771 showed me the letter tonight. I read it, and still am trying to decide what I think about it. I suggested that she post it here for your ideas and input.<P>Please everyone, when she posts a copy of the letter, give as much insight as you can. I know this is important to my W.<P>God Bless