I am still trying desperately to find hope for my marriage. For the past week, twice, I've found pornography on the computer. So, now, of course, I'm beginning to think that what he's told me about their brief encounter isn't true, either--I'm beginning to think they had sex. We were talking about the sitch w/ someone yesterday, and how when WH and OW were called on the floor by Boss, Boss asked OW about it, and WH says, and I QUOTE, "She told him the same thing I had told him." Now, does that make it sound like he's really trying to get you to believe that their stories correspond? I'm really getting sick of this. I'm just waiting for something to not go his way and he's going to jump at me and berate me and make me feel like everything that is wrong in the world is my fault, and the old why-am-I-alive thoughts and feelings are going to come back. I'm so sure I'm dealing w/ a narcissist. And, we're already getting back to old ways--me doing housework or whatever, him sitting in chair in front of TV or on computer...He admitted the affair to our church this past week. And, of course, they believe him (though one woman got up and told him that you can't justify sin when you know it's wrong {he was talking about how bad our marriage had gotten}). But they aren't going to ask him to step down or anything. This politically correct world we live in--nobody is wrong when they do something wrong--it's just a mistake, and we're going to learn from it and everything's going to be alright. He's not even looking for another job. If I had four kids to support (and I just might after all of this is over), I would be pounding the pavement. As usual, he just thinks something is going to fall into his lap.

The pastor we were going to see is busy for the next couple of weeks, and can't counsel us (so WH says). I don't think WH wants to talk to anyone. And we can't afford MC. I'm afraid of the future.

m4

wow.. mama4, this sounds like my fwh. We are still married but living separately after a year of h**l. I don't really have any advice, after a year on this site, I'm still asking for advice myself. But wanted to say hello and that you're not alone. My H has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, with some histrionic and antisocial tendancies thrown in. It seems that for the most part, MB techniques work well for those without such serious disorders. I don't know what hope there is for either of us and our children, except for our H's truly wanting to get the help they need. It goes beyond marriage problems, they have mental problems. I love my H, as I'm sure you do yours, but I also feel hope fading. I'm so tired, of fighting, of loving without anything in return, of being a single parent, (we've been separated since February) and of just trying to keep up with the myriads of twists and turns of his mind. Maybe there'll be someone else on here facing similiar challenges that is further along this road to advise us. I hope soo....

Hi, SG--I'm glad to have found someone who understands how my husband can be and how badly I can want to get out of here sometimes yet want to stay with him. He's not officially diagnosed, but I say it because of what I've read about narcissism. The pastor we were going to see is busy for the next two weeks, and we can't see him. We can't afford MC, so I don't know what to do. He got mad at me last week, because he checked the computer and saw my original post. So, I don't let him know that I'm posting or reading anything here anymore. He acts like we don't need help anymore--it's only been two weeks since he told me about the supposed brief encounter that happened three weeks ago. Reading your signature, I see "mild physical abuse." My H has grabbed me by the throat several times--but it's been almost a year since he's done that. The emotional abuse is hades--I've been emotionally abused since I was 12 years old, and to have married someone who makes me feel just like my stepmother used to is awful. He's been charming since I asked him about the porno clips I found on the computer yesterday. I want him to get out for a couple of hours so I can check his laptop. It just kills me--the charm, the sucking in, the oh-he's-just-a-man kind of thinking, then WHAM! He does or says something that's mean and nasty, and I wish I'd never been born.

Maybe we can just talk to each other, SG--I'm an understanding ear for you if you need one.

Peace and blessings~~
m4

OK--H says last night that he sees us falling back into pre-EA behavior. He's even slept on the couch two nights in a row. Pre-EA behavior means: me working my butt off around the house--evenings are so busy. I'll cook supper, clean up, bathe kids, put them to bed (w/ our toddler most nights staying up later than everyone else), while H sits in chair on computer or phone or watching movie. When kids get out of hand (because I'm cooking, whatever) he gets ballistic and threatens to spank everyone in the house, etc. Then, because he's slept most of the day, I'm tired and ready for bed, I go to bed, he stays up into the wee hours of the morning, sleeps most of the day, then gets up to do nothing except what he wants to do, and cycle repeats itself. He resigned from his job because of the EA. 10/11 was the month anniversary of climax of EA, which has ended. I made the comment to him last night that I was still worried that more happened than what he's actually telling me, and he simply turned away without saying anything. The past week, I'm still doing my best to Plan A, and of course, it's hard when I'm getting nothing in return except criticism for how I do things. He has made no effort to look for another job, keeps saying "Something will come along." There's someone that our family is close to that is financially well-off, and H was talking w/ them on the phone last night, and he made several comments to him that he needed some money to do what he wanted to do...I'm afraid he's gonna sucker this person in and they're gonna give H the money. This person has already given H money that he has wasted or used for other things other than what H said he would use it for.

Our kids need winter clothing, and of course, I'm very concerned about where they're coming from--clothes don't grow on trees. Yet, H is buying clothes on internet right and left.

There's so much I want to say, but don't have time. I'm still not seeing us together six months down the road...I'm trying, but I just can't see it.

I'm glad I can come here to vent--

m4

mama4....

break the overwhelming stuff down and get your house in order...

it will free you....

1. You need winter clothing.....
find a church that collects clothing...
find a thrift store...I buy a ton of stuff for my daughter there...
she's messy and ruins shirt on a daily basis.....
They have sales all the time....
check the goodwill store...the saint of the day thrift store...
beautiful kids clothes...cheap cheap cheap...

they are in great shape..

I buy them all the time...
99 cent skirts and stretch pants for her....
jeans for 2.99


get the kitchen in order..
plan simple one casserole meals in advance...
buy ground meat in bulk cook it up...
freeze it.
you got stuff for spaghetti sauce...sloppy joes...tacos..

MAKE YOUR LIFE SIMPLER.

why do you bath your children..where did this pattern come from...

when did you take on the role of doing it all....?
when exactly was this pattern established or is it new..

if established you own your part in its creation....
it was a mistake...
so you go to your husband and apologize for shutting him out of child rearing....and appeal for change....

put clothes out for tomorrow the night before..
gather all you need shoes socks underwear...
I got three of them...it's crazy making business raising twits...

establish times ....

make routines that establish simplicity..

you can't be an overwhelmed victim to this stuff..
it will bury you under...

you gotta get on top of it....

your focused on him...

feh...

focus on getting your house in order...
and then you will be strong enough to deal with him...

ARK

I've been telling H for about five years now (since our second was born) that I need his help--he turns a deaf ear. We had one child for eight yrs, and I worked outside home, and yes, I did it all, so it's nothing new. I don't know why he still thinks that I can do and be everything in this house. He can be engrossed in TV, on phone or laptop, all heck w/ kids breaking loose in front of him, and he doesn't notice until someone gets hurt, or a mess is made, then he calls me!

I guess I'm just going to have to be the one to bend over backwards and pray pray pray in order to get him to see that he needs to be a part of this family--he doesn't know how good it can be to be a fun active family--he's never had one.

m4